Uni's Lost Horn

Quick note before we get into it: just want everyone to know that after a bit more reading/perusal, I returned the new 5.5E Dungeon Master's Guide to my local B&N and got my money back ($55 and change). Just a no-brainer when you consider A) I play 1st edition, and B) the book is a steaming pile of garbage. 

One of the last straws that broke the camel's back? Hey, they had Warduke's helmet as a possible magic item!  Here's the description (the accompanying illustration made it clear who it belongs to):

Dread Helm

Wondrous Item, Common

While you're wearing this fearsome steel helm, your eyes glow red and the rest of your face is hidden in shadow.

Check that out...that's all it is. A magic item that has a cosmetic, non-game related effect. It just makes your eyes glow red.

But don't feel like this is something to pawn off on your henchman...this is a common magic item. Which means it can be purchased in any old town.

Common magic items can often be bought in a city or town. 

Cost for a common magic item in 5th edition? 100 g.p. As compared to mundane, non-magical plate armor which costs 1,500 g.p. WTF? Is that verisimilitude? NO. But, hey don't worry, because the book tells you plain and simple:

The Game is Not an Economy. The rules of the game aren't intended to model a realistic economy, and players who look for loopholes that let them generate infinite wealth using combinations of spells are exploiting the rules. 

Of course, what if your players are those "optimizers" who enjoy finding loopholes, just like these? Aren't we supposed to be "making it fun for everyone?" Well...

Rules Rely on Good Faith Interpretation. The rules assume that everyone reading and interpreting the rules has the interests of the group's fun at heart and is reading the rules in that light.

I think you're making a BIG assumption there...an assumption that anyone is going to READ these rules. Rules that are subject to arbitrary change by the DM, so they really don't matter. Hell, it doesn't even matter if the DM knows the rules. Look what's here on the same page (this is Chapter 1, by the way):

Knowing The Rules

You don't have to be an expert on the rules to be a good DM. Of course, itt's helpful to be familiar with the rules especially the ones in the Player's Handbook. But facilitating fun is more important that implementing the rules perfectly. If you're not sure how to apply the rules in a situation, you can always ask the opinion of the players as a group. It might take a few minutes, but it's usually possible to reach an answer that feels fair to everyone, and that's more important than a "correct" answer.

Just about every sentence in that paragraph is incredibly, seriously wrong. And why do they put the word "correct" in quotation marks? Because what is "correct" is just a matter of opinion? Truth is up for interpretation? Yeah, it feels like I've heard that a lot lately.

ANYway...if I'd read that "knowing the rules" sidebar sooner, I would have dumped the book even faster. But then I couldn't have given you folks my rant-y review. Ah, the things I do for my readers!

Moving on.

As I noted earlier, one of the things that intrigued me about the DMG5.5 (before disgust overwhelmed anything else) was the inclusion of the "D&D kids" from Saturday Morning cartoons. I was a big fan of those cartoons growing up...in fact, if hard-pressed, they might edge out Thundarr the Barbarian as the all-time favorite of my childhood. Certainly, the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon was the ONLY cartoon that made me set an alarm Friday night so that I wouldn't miss it in the morning!

I am of the opinion that THAT particular IP is an un-mined resource for nostalgia (and revenue)...so when I saw that they were throwing those dudes into the artwork and "lore" of 5.5 I was kind of thrilled. And, THEN, I became curious...extremely curious...about one particular image:

See that odd duck over on the left? That's "Niko."

Who the heck is this Niko person?

This illustration led me down a rabbit hole of internet Googlings, till I found the answer: no, Niko was not a character from some un-watched (or un-developed) TV episode. She is a cleric character created for use with an adventure module featuring the D&D kids that WotC produced as part of their 50th anniversary celebration. She even has a "magic weapon" of her own, imaginatively called "Niko's Mace" (though that item is not in the DMG5.5, unless I somehow missed it). 

That adventure (which I'd never heard of before yesterday) is called Uni and the Hunt for the Lost Horn. And after much, much scouring of the inter-webs, I was able to find a PDF copy. Here's my capsule review (in the style of Mr. Bryce Lynch):

This 48 page adventure uses three pages to describe a tiny "demi-plane" dungeon consisting of five encounter areas. It is for 5th edition, which means it's trash anyway, but at least it does not provide any personality, background, or role-playing notes for the seven pre-generated characters included with the module, so your table should be mercifully spared faux-acting and cobbled drama. My childhood has been mined for profits and my life is a living hell.

*ahem*

The adventure seems loosely based on the Episode 4 of the cartoon series, "Valley of the Unicorns" (yes, yes, I am a tremendous nerd). Which I remember as being quite good. It has a demon idol, a great villain, a sinister plan, a Daern's Instant Fortress, miserable de-protagonization of cutesy fairy tale creatures, an appearance of the Imprisonment spell (one of the more awesome moments of the series, IMO), and a pack of worgs. I mean, it's very "D&Dish," even if the characters aren't looting the hell out of everything.

ANYway, the Lost Horn adventure isn't nearly as cool. A couple of lame fights, maybe some double-crossing with a bullywug chieftain (?), and a deus ex machina at the end where Venger comes in and finishes the fight. I mean, it's really pretty dumb.

But what it DOES have is, again, nice artwork illustrating the artist's idea of what the grown up D&D kids look like. And that's pretty nifty (though, honestly, I don't think they needed to turn Bobby into a gym bro; I see a lot of crushed Coors light cans in his dorm room...). That's neat...un-tapped potential finally being tapped (as they probably should have done for the D&D movie).

"Battle Medic," natch

I don't even mind Niko terribly. I can already tell that the inclusion of a new cast member will raise the hackles of some fans (doesn't it always?) especially as her obvious "diversity" will be interpreted as, well, obvious diversity (which some people dislike). But let's be honest here: if the kids were an actual D&D party, they would want a cleric, no? None of them have much in the way of first aid training and any scrape from a bullywug spear is likely to get infected (and so many of these kids insist on roaming the wilderness in shorts and bare arms...) and lead to an untimely death. Well, maybe...I suppose the cartoon's not called Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Perhaps tetanus isn't a thing in "the Realm."

[whether it is or isn't, I have to admit she's pretty superfluous. This IS 5E, after all, so it's not like people die easily. Also, no undead in the adventure]

So...grown up kids? Cool. Everything else? Not so much. 

And reading through this reminded me this isn't the first time WotC has tried to stat out the D&D kids for the game; sometime circa 2007, they sold a special DVD box set of all the cartoon episodes...which I own. In addition to the disks and a bunch of ink drawings and collectable cards, the box contained an actual honest-to-goodness adventure (written for DND3) with write-ups of all the characters, plus Venger (an 18th level, half-infernal for the curious)!

Unlike, Uni's Lost Horn, the PCs in this adventure are STILL KIDS.  And they're 7th level adventurers (in Lost Horn, they're only 4th level). The adventure (credited to Matthew Sernett) is called Beneath the Blade of Sword Mountain, which kind of kicks the ass of "Uni's Lost Horn." Oh, you want the capsule review again? Here it is:

This twenty-six page adventure uses nine pages to describe four encounter areas, including each area's individual battle map. Most of the remaining pages are taken up with full page artwork of the D&D characters. The writing is extremely tiny, the page size is the same as a DVD case, and I am so old I needed a magnifying glass to read Mr. Sernett's name in the designer credits.

No cleric in this one (and no undead either or the D&D kids would be So Screwed!). Interesting that in addition to a full 3E stat block (skills! feats!), each character gets a paragraph of text describing their personality and relationship with the other PCs...role-playing notes, in other words. Which are completely absent from the Uni's Lost Horn adventure.

Why am I bothering to write about all of this? Well for one thing, it's Friday and that seems to be the day I have more free time for blogging (though I made time for yesterday's bile. Man, did it get my dander up!). But also, because it's put an idea into my head: maybe I want to do my own version of the D&D kids...for AD&D, of course...along with some sort of adventure.  In fact, there's no "maybe" about it; I definitely want to do this!

Yes, indeedy. The only question is, which tack do I take? Old kids or young kids? And do I write my own adventure or rewrite one of these two?  And if I do decide to make my own, should I use one of the old cartoon episodes as inspiration? There are a few good ones to draw from. More than a few. I kind of want to (re-)do Valley of the Unicorns, because Kelek is so dastardly as an evil wizard. I dig it. You tell me.

Okay, that's enough for a Friday afternoon. And here's your "moment of zen:"

A LOT of crushed beer cans...

The Death Of Adventure

So...last night (Wednesday), I purchased the new "5.5E" Dungeon Master's Guide.

No joke.

The kids and I were at Barnes & Noble, using up old gift cards (we had some $160 worth that were sitting in the glove box of the car). While many actual ("non-game") books were bought, I threw the DMG on the pile for a lark. I mean, if I fancy myself a "game designer," shouldn't I be keeping up with new developments in the hobby? Plus, it had a cool cover and I am NOT immune to the same visual snares as any other gamer geek. C/mon...Warduke? He's my fave!

My son just rolled his eyes at me. 

But seriously, the subject of 5E has been coming up lately with regard to some of the things I've been writing (and some of the feedback I've been getting), and I thought maybe I needed to take a good look at just what WotC (or "the WotC" as some call it) is selling customers these days. I mean, I have the receipt...I can still take the book back.

; )

ANYway...after the kids were in bed, I skimmed the book for an hour or so, making note of the different sections, seeing what new things had been included, noting some of the cuteness. I confess, I do love the inclusion of the "D&D kids" from the early 80s cartoon; especially nice to see their "magic weapons" all getting write-ups in the the Magic Items section. Nice to see Greyhawk get some love as an example campaign setting (I didn't bother reading the write-up). The "lore glossary" was kind of fun (no Gord the Rogue, though). Also, interesting the chapter on "bastions"...5E adding some domain rules to their game? How 'old school' of them!

I woke up this morning a little before 6am and, as usual, being unable to get back to sleep, decided to go downstairs, brew some coffee, and give the thing a thorough read-through. 

And...hm.

Well, at first it wasn't all that bad. In fact, my original title for this blog post was going to be "Eye of the Beholder" because, if you read the text from a particular perspective...say, one of having decades of D&D gaming under your belt...and then tilted your head a little bit...well, you could say 'Okay, I guess this is still D&D.'  I mean, the "how to run a session" is fairly similar to any other edition's session running. Discussions of DM's unique play style, respecting our fellow participants (players and DMs alike), rules adjudication, yes, yes, this all seems normal. Advice for dealing with overly cautious players, uh-huh. How to deal with rules discussions, okay. A lot of things on proper communication...what I'd call "no brainer" stuff, but we live in a world where bad behavior gets tolerated (especially on-line), and everyone is touchy, so maybe having some of this up front is fine. VTT discussion...okay, small, but worth mentioning, no problem...

Then we get to Chapter 2: Running the Game.

KNOW YOUR PLAYERS

...your role as Dungeon Master is to keep the players immersed in the world you've created and to give the characters the opportunity to do awesome things.

Knowing what your players enjoy most about the D&D game helps you create and run adventures that they will enjoy and remember. Once you know which of the following activities each player in your group enjoys, you can tailor adventures to your players' preferences.

So what are these activities? They book divides them into several descriptive categories, each category including several ideas for engaging these specific types of players. They include the following (in alphabetical order): Acting, Exploring, Fighting, Instigating, Optimizing, Problem-Solving, Socializing, Storytelling. These ideas for all these are bad, dumb, or worse. For the "socializing" player, there aren't any ideas; instead, the book simply says:

Many groups include players who come to the game primarily because they enjoy the social event and want to spend time with their friends, not because they're especially invested in any part of the actual game. These players want to participate, but they tend not to care whether they're deeply immersed in the adventure, and they don't tend to be assertive or very involved in the details of the game, rules, or story. As a rule, don't try to force these players to be more involved then they want to be. 

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?

I started to read ahead, faster and faster...skimming over extremely extraneous rules (example: "audibility distance" has a random table: 2d6x5' if you're trying to be quiet, 2d6x10' with normal movement, 2d6x50' if "very loud," undefined. Oh, here's another: roll D20 for weather: 1-14 "normal for season," 13-17 colder, 18-20 hotter. Thanks, tips). Ignored the paltry miniatures rules and got to combat, where we get this good advice under the section KEEPING COMBAT MOVING: 

Don't Repeat Game States

When a characters do something to change the tactical situation, don't respond by putting things back to the way they were before. For example, if a character takes the Disengage action to move away from a group of monsters, don't respond by having those same monsters chase the character. Move the monsters somewhere else.

Guess no pursuit/evasion rules needed here. 

Hasten A Monster's Demise

If a combat has gone on long enough [undefined] and the characters' victory is almost certain, you can simply have the monster drop dead. The players don't ever need to know that still had 15 Hit Points left...

How is that different from "fundging" dice rolls again?

Change The Monster

You can transform one monster into another to keep a fight interesting. Maybe a worg splits open and a gibbering mouther spills out to take its place. Or a cultist is consumed in a pillar of infernal flame and a devil erupts from the ashes. 

Or maybe I should suddenly yell and throw my beer at the players because they seem to be dozing off, right? That'll liven things up...keep 'em on their toes, right?

OMG (as the kids say)...this was starting to get really, really bad. I quickly flipped back to chapter one where the helpful sidebar told me that "Every chapter (but especially chapters 1, 2, 4, and 5) has new advice for Dungeon Masters of all experience levels."  Well, the advice in Chapter 2 had proven fucking horrible, what on Earth would I find in Chapters 4 and 5?

Chapter 4: CREATING ADVENTURES

Oh, Lord, no...

Chapter 5: CREATING CAMPAIGNS

*sob*

Everything outlined about the story of an adventure in chapter 4 is true of a campaign's story as well; a campaign is like a series of comics or TV shows, where each adventure (like an issue of a comic or a TV episode) tells a self-contained story that contributes to the larger story. Just like with an adventure, a campaign's story isn't predetermined, because the actions of the players' characters will influence how the story plays out. 

No, of course it's not. It's dependent on Character Arcs:

Like most protagonists in film and literature, D&D adventurers face challenges and change through the experience of overcoming them. By incorporating each character's motivation into your adventures...you'll help characters grow in exciting ways. You can use the DM's Character Tracker sheet to keep track of key information about each character [sections on PC's Goal, Ambition, Quirks and Whims, then]...Players often reveal their characters' motivations through play. If you're uncertain of a character's motivations seem to have changed, it's OK to ask players for clarification.

Because, yeah, if I'm designing adventures that highlight "characters' motivations" it would be pretty challenging to do so given a whimsical fucking player who keeps changing their character's "goals" and "ambitions." Especially if it's just some jackass that only shows up to "socialize."

This f'ing thing. 

There are a lot of people who say that "D&D 5.5" is pretty much the same thing as 5E, and mechanically-speaking (i.e. with regard to the actual nuts-n-bolts rules), this appears to be the case. But this is most definitely NOT the same game as previous editions. To paraphrase a famous movie line, "This ain't even the same Goddamn sport."

It is clear to me that WotC has leaned HARD into that cash cow that is Critical Role...a program that amassed a half billion views between 2018 and 2022.  There was no "Critical Role" in 2014 when 5E was first published, and while I don't own the 5E DMG, I can read it on-line (pirated PDFs abound) and there's nothing in it that comes close to calling D&D a "collaborative story" that focuses on characters. Here, though, it is pervasive and (IMO) plain terrible. Even 5E, as written could still be played (nominally) like Dungeons & Dragons, i.e. with players experiencing the thrill of danger in adventures created by a DM running his or her own world.

Now it's about having a "premise" for your campaign. Now it's about including "foreshadowing" and "callbacks." Now it's about "sharing spotlight" and creating Very Special Episodes for each particular PC in the group. 

Character-Focused Adventures.  Adventures should occasionally highlight character motivations or elements of their backstory. Here are a few examples....

...Avoid focusing adventures on any one character too often, and look for opportunities to have character-focused adventures for each character from time to time.

No. This is not D&D. This is not special snowflake Improv Hour at the Underground. 

All of this is so aggravating and awful I want to nut-punch someone. No wonder the state of the hobby is so incomprehensible. The publishers took the incoherence of 2nd Edition AD&D and multiplied it by a hundred. Why? Because some actors pretending to play D&D made the game uber-popular.

F. That. Nonsense.

I apologize for all the cursing (my kids don't read my blog), but I am incensed. And I am sad. Because it IS sad...yes, SAD!...to see the needless and untimely death of something I love. The death of fantasy adventure gaming. You can sell all the books of rules you want, with stupid tracking sheets, and ridiculous random tables, and long and complex "experience point tables."  But experience points don't matter much when levels are handed out arbitrarily.

You can do away with XP entirely and advance characters based on how many sessions they play or when the characters accomplish significant story goals. This method of level advancement can be particularly helpful if your campaign doesn't include much combat or includes so much combat that tracking XP becomes tiresome.

Oh, I'm sorry. Has tracking XP become tiresome? Let's just sit around talking "in character." That should surely be the way to make my fighter become a more powerful combatant. Lot of danger in hashing out my backstory with sparkling reveals and a clever accent, right?

But is there really any danger? After all, players are allowed to set "Hard Limits" for what they find acceptable, and this can include ANY rules, including those related to CHARACTER DEATH.

Given the degree to which players get attached to their characters, character death can be an emotionally charged situation. It might even be a hard limit for some players (see "Ensuring Fun For All" in chapter 1), so it's worth holding a conversation about how to handle character death at the start of a game.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the mistaken impression we were playing DUNGEONS & DRAGONS. I didn't realize that would be TOO HARD for you. Please, let us play this circle-jerk abomination instead!

It is ridiculous. It is terrible. It is dysfunctional. It is schizophrenic: why bother putting in all this "advice" to make interesting tactical distinctions in combat (all in the name of making fights more interesting) when it all just boils down to advantage or disadvantage?  Why bother fighting at all when the DM simply rules the monster drops dead because the fight's been going on "too long?" Or when DMs are advised to have unrelated monsters pop out of an opponent just to spice things up?

The dumbing down of D&D and the squandering of the game's potential has reached apotheosis. I will not say 'things cannot get worse,' because things can ALWAYS get worse. But even making the game worse than this could not kill classic D&D adventure game any deader. What the game's publisher is selling as instructional text to potential Dungeon Masters is worse than a sham...it's a shame. A damn, crying shame.

Hey, but nice cover art! Love Warduke!