So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

THAT BOY IS TOTES GONNA HAVE A BOY (PUTS ON SUBLIMINAL LIMBO MUSIC) "YOU PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT THEN SEE A DOCTOR FOR YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIA, YOU NUT" CAN'T TALK NOW, FLIPPING THROUGH SOME HOT AND INAPPROPRIATE PICS FROM WORLD WAR II AKA THE SEXIEST WAR WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M A CURIOUS HISTORIAN ... ... .... CURIOUS FOR BOOBS IS WHAT I M-- OK I THOUGHT PRANKS WERE FUN WHY DO I FEEL SAD AND SCARED "SO I IMMEDIATELY WENT AND GOT MY BANGS CUT" "I'M AN O-POSITIVE DIAGONAL BANGS GIRL LIVING WITH A B-NEGATIVE STRAIGHT BANGS FAMILY" "YOU'D LOOK LIKE THIS TOO IF NO ONE IN YOUR FAMILY WAS STRAIGHT WITH YOU" I COULDN'T PICK JUST ONE BTW SHE GIVES BLOOD IN BARS? WTF "IT HAS A BANANA-- THE BANANAS WORKED!" - MOM THE BUZZ TUBE- FOR ALL OF THE DAY'S FRESHEST BABY GENITALIA NEWS AND ALSO HOT CELEBRITY GOSSIP ANYWAY WHAT I'M REALLY LOOKING FOR IS THE WHERE...

Note: This column appears in the 12/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 12/10 issue of the Peoria Times My wife subscribes to the weather alert application on her phone. Because we live here in the Valley, and her Blackberry does not, apparently, recognize center-of-the-earth-type heat as a situation that bears warning—it would get redundant, I suppose—this feature is barely utilized. That changed last week when temperatures became unseasonably cool around these parts. As a result, my wife received two weather alerts on her phone, and each time we reacted as if our lives were about to change dramatically. You see, when we lived back east, the first winter weather warning was darn near the most exciting thing that happened during the year. After all, it could mean that you wouldn’t be leaving the house for the next six days, and that you’d be utilizing the canned goods your dad stored up in the basement during the fall, and that you’d probably be going to school now until July. Being w...

Note: This column appears in the 11/13 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/14 issue of the Peoria Times Like anybody else, I have fears. I’m not a big fan of flying, for example. In fact, I will not fly by myself. When my wife was studying at NAU a few years ago and I came to visit her from New Jersey, I actually took the train. I spent five days in all on the train and 45 minutes visiting my wife. But it cured my fear of flying, so that was good. I am also scared of the clown from the Stephen King movie “IT.” If you have seen that movie, then you are nodding your head. Another thing that scares me is death. Death is a biggie. Luckily, for whatever reason, I never developed a fear of needles. This is probably due to the fact that my mom is a nurse, and she was able to use me as a human pincushion when I was a kid and she was working her way through nursing school; my arm in her right hand, textbook in her left hand, needle in her mouth. It never bothered me. The fact that I do not f...