So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Info I enjoy info and also have info, so this is a go. From: Alfred Smith [mralfredsmith@peru.com] That is your email handle if you live in Peru, which is a company. Hello, I am in Mexico Or Mexico. Peru and Mexico are like samsies. and I am interested in the vibrant economy and impressive enterprises existing in your country. Wow, Mexicans are interested in our vibrant economy and impressive enterprises? WELL C'MON OVER, MIS AMIGOS! I'm right next door in Arizona and what's the worst that could hap [shots fired] [ducks head] [looks around] Go on ... The client I represent plans to migrate and settle there with his family as soon as he can secure a partner in a commercial enterprise. Sounds legit. Your client : Alfred! Please email Americans at random and secure me a partner in a commercial enterprise so we can move out of Mexico. You : I'm not sure that's how business works in an economy as vibrant as Amer- Your client : (turns ...

As you may have been able to discern from recent columns, my parents and in-laws were visiting from back east. They left a couple weeks ago. We are still recovering. Namely, as it pertains to the refrigerator. To open our refrigerator of late is to be immediately greeted with the reminder that, on one hand, we are loved, and on the other, what the heck ? I’ll start with my own parents who, when they were here, went out to lunch every day and who, because my mom has literally never finished a food item or drink to completion in 60-plus years, brought us home the leftovers: “I couldn’t finish my chicken wrap, so I brought you guys home the rest. Mike, maybe you can take it to work for lunch? I know you don’t eat meat, but you can pick out the chicken. Just be careful, because it gave me a little diarrhea, but I’m not sure if it was that or the breakfast burrito.* Anyway, it was really good!” *also in the fridge THANKS MOM. It should be mentioned that my parents refuse to co...

Note: This column appears in the 8/19 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/20 issue of the Peoria Times I am a reasonable fellow. I am neither, I don’t think, cheap or lavish, falling somewhere in between Costanza and Trump. Like most people I prefer to know the price of something before I purchase it. Occasionally however, there are those transactions in life where the urgency of the matter dissuades price from becoming an issue and, as a result, price becomes an issue. I do not like these occasions. First let me say that there are others more well versed than I in making any transaction a casual one, and these people I have come to know, mostly, as Italian. An example I have used before is going to a fine Italian restaurant with my father-in-law –- one where you won’t see a price on the menu –- and watching the dynamic work between him and the waiter. Without words, my father-in-law says, “I am willing to pay for a good meal, but you better not screw me over,” and the waiter acknowle...

Note: This column appears in the 10/1 issue of The Glendale Star and the 10/2 issue of the Peoria Times How fresh is the fish? This is the question my wife asked to our server during our first night out together in forever, by Westgate, at an establishment that shall remain nameless to protect the identity of the incompetent. We had waited about twenty minutes to ask this question, and were only graced with our waitress’ presence after she had apparently lost an argument with another server as to who was going to wait on our table, an ordeal that I was fortunate enough to capture out of the corner of my eye. As a result, she was forced to introduce herself, and did so thusly, with eyes to the ground and speaking quickly and softly so as to add to the general awkwardness: Hi my name is (unintelligible) and I’ll be your waitress do you know what you want? No, miss –- the pleasure is all ours, I assure you! It was at this point when my wife asked the aforementioned question. Now, this is ...