So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

During a phone conversation with my dad, he mentioned that he and my mom had sent my wife a gift for her birthday. Did we get it? “I don’t think so,” I said. “I got the mail yesterday and there was nothing from you guys … and nothing at the front door either.” “Well, they said it should have arrived yesterday,” he said. (Note that “they” are my dad’s No. 1 news source. I don’t know who “they” are, but my dad trusts them even though their information is iffy. Last year my dad claimed that “they” had discovered that tilapia is not an actual fish, but a manufactured combination of fish parts, like a fish hot dog.) “You know how they are with those things.” Indeed, even considering how little I know about “they,” I do know how they are with these things (liars). Anyway, that was how we ended our conversation, with me telling him that I’d get in touch to let them know when she got the gift, which I totally would have forgotten to do if given the chance. In fact, I compl...

When my brother-in-law visits Arizona, he oftentimes arrives with gifts, like a late-January Santa. Although he himself would never phrase it this way, he’s kind of a big deal at his job back East. This status has earned him discounts on various apparel, which he uses to his advantage when buying gifts, since, admittedly, none of us are worth paying retail for. A couple of years ago he arrived with a “ratchet belt” for me, a gift he had bestowed on every guy in our family over the holidays and which was enjoyed immensely. The ratchet belt is an easily adjustable belt that comes in handy when you’ve eaten too much and need to adjust your waistline because of gluttony. That holiday season witnessed all the men on my wife’s side of the family eating exorbitant amounts of food without remorse and then collectively yelling, “RATCHET UP!” at the dinner table while adjusting their pants in front of everyone. I was sad to have missed this. I enjoyed the ratchet belt for a brie...

Three years ago my sister and brother-in-law gave my wife and I a $25 voucher to a restaurant website as a gift. Let’s say the website was called something jazzy like, oh I don’t know … restaurant.com (that is the name).  When I received this gift I thought, cool, we will use this toward a restaurant and then we will eat at that restaurant and I will be happy and satisfied. I logged on to restaurant.com. “Find a restaurant near you!” Okay, restaurant.com! I will do that. Please find the closest restaurant to zip code 85381. Restaurant.com said, “Sorry, zero results.” I expanded my search. How about 10 miles outside of 85381? Can you do that, restaurant.com? “Nope!” How about 25 miles? FIFTY  miles? “You can dine at a hotel café in Scottsdale or a Chinese buffet on the border of Glendale and Phoenix.” I chose the Chinese buffet. If you know nothing about my wife and me, you know how much we love to drive 45 minutes to eat at a Chinese buffet. My wife is Ital...