The Long Halloween Vol. III - Canada Day

Folks, once again it's time for the Long Halloween - Norwegian Morning Wood's monthly annual look at the best media to intake on the greatest holidays of the year. Now, usually you'd predict this week reserved for Independence Day on Wednesday, but this is the Obscure Edition. It's time not for the Birthday of America, but the Birthday of Canada.

Happy Canada Day, every body! Aren't those Northern Neighbors ripping us off for posting their birthday during the same week as ours? Those Canadians are always hitching their wagon to us. After all, Canada : USA :: New Zealand : Australia.

Yes sir, Mr. Prime Minister

But nevertheless, on this day in 1867 the United Kingdom united all of their North American territories, at the time them being Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and Canada, into a singular nation with limited political rights. Basically the way Canada is today. Now, normally this is July 1st, but since the 1st is on a Sunday this year, the actual day is considered to be today, the 2nd. Needless to say, many of those wonky Canucks were celebrating and partying it up yesterday nevertheless.

So, it's Canada time. It's kind of like a boring version of Mexico time, but with strong cider and lumberjacks instead of Coronas and vaqueros. So fitting that we're able to celebrate both of our wacky neighbors within the same summer. Lumberjacks in particular are underrated. Canada is really their last domain where they are free to fight their unending battle against trees and live peacefully and plaidfully in their natural habitat. Isn't that really the Canadian Dream? To one day, if you're good and eat your syrup and lick your beaver every day, to go out and build your own cabin by the sweat of your brow and the brawn of your beard. Truly, as the sun sets on the Canadian Wilds and a gleam of light glints off the Lumberjack's axe, you realize, this is paradise.

...which actually looks incredible

So, what's the best way to do honour this proud and noble people? Sample some fine Canadian cuisine of course, which should feature drinking either Molson or Labatt's and a finely ground Caribou Burger. There are actually substantial lists of this shit on Wikipedia, but as long as you're pouring Syrup on whatever you're eating, you'll render it Canadian. That includes the beer. Syrup, after all, is to Canadians as Salsa is to Mexicans. Just sidle it onto any dish and let the international fest begin! You can also chow on some Poutine, pictured at right....

So, what to pop in the ol' VHS player this day? How about Strange Brew (1983), featuring Canadian Icons Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas. Beer and hosers is all you need. You should also indulge in a love of hockey with Goon (2011), which involves not only the National Sport, but also the great pastimes of fighting and banging homely women. And I bet you thought I'd say Slap Shot (1977). I can't dig enough on Goon, though, and if you're a lover of the game or the great land of Canada, it's a must see.

The possibilities of this day are endless, really. Watch some VHS tapes of Kids in the Hall or any one of seven special South Park episodes, along with the 1999 film. Truly it's a great day. So, grow a beard, chop down a tree, ride a moose, read some Wolverine comics, and learn to fall in love all over again with the everlasting, eversnowing Canada. Eh?

One day, we'll all live on the moon.

July is also a month that holds Moon Day on the 20th. I really wanted to rant about the Moon, and thought it was fairly relevant to be included here, after all, it has a higher population than Canada, anyway. So, if our friendly white neighbor to the far, FAR north is more to your liking, feel free to celebrate the Moon in all its glowing glory! Will the Moon eventually declare war on the Earth? That, my friends, is inevitable, but why not watch Sam Rockwell give an incredible underrated performance in Moon (2009) while we wait for that thing to fall. Once the Moon does fall, can you guess where the safest place on Earth will be? That's right - with the natural survival and syrup-gathering instincts of the Lumberjacks of Canada! Because the sugar gives you energy. That's why.

Stay tuned for more posts of exactly this caliber.

Summer Jam Week 8: Maroon 5 lines it up for the 4th

Once again folks it's time to count down the hot Summer Jam tracks of the week. Is this Independence Day Weekend? Or is it next weekend? The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) comes out on Tuesday...what does that tell us? Anyway, all summer long we're tallying up the jammiest songs with the final goal of determining WHO is the greatest Champion of Summer. Let's get started:

Hot Track of the Week: "Whistle" by Flo Rida



Florida just wants some more releasing another Hot Jam of the Week. Now, none of his other Summer Songs have really done all that well, but this one could certainly catch on. It's a smooth track, even with Flo Rida asking girls (presumably) to put their lips together close and blow his whistle. He's never really been one for subtly, anyway. This is a cool song, though, and since Flo Rida is always better in Summer it may catch.

The Step Beyond Visioneers: "Hey Ho" by The Lumineers

Our groovy folk-type rock of the week, The Lumineers come in with a modest track that fits well with the lazy summer afternoon. They're getting to be another hot up and coming band but that field is getting a tad crowded with the rising stock of plenty of Mumford & Son-type bands. They all don't have a thing on the Sheepdogs and their Ryan Dunn-lookalike singer, but that's another post.

Finally: "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men

This track has been around for a quite a while now, but it seems like it's finally caught on a bit. It's the kind of song I used to hear rarely on the radio and would cherish that moment, but now that moment is happening all the time. It's a delicate elegant song with a really cool video that does seem more fitting for a snowy night than a summer afternoon. Still, it's good for the moment.

Rap Stars Intersect: "The Recipe" by Kendrick Lamar ft. Dr. Dre

This is an interesting intersection. Kendrick Lamar may have one of the better flows of any rising rap star and Dre cemented his legend decades ago. They come together here and it's probably as close as we're going to get to a Detox album. Thanks, Dre. Still, this is an Ode to L.A. unparalleled in recent years (yes, even including you, Katy). L.A. Summer. 'Nuff said.

Boobs: "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry

Speaking of the woman who took pop back on behalf of brunettes, Katy's still rising with "Wide Awake" this week. It's one of her better songs, apart from both the pop and sap that has downgraded about all of her work of Teenage Dream. Her upcoming flick is being peddled everywhere though, and she ought to keep going up from here. She's Katy Perry, after all.

The 'do that Changed the World: "Boyfriend" by Justin Bieber

"Boyfriend" didn't do all that well this week, but we got to hand it to the Biebs who is now apparently the King of Mexico. And wouldn't the world be a better place if Justin Bieber was indeed the King of Mexico? His concert was huge - I didn't know Mexicans loved Justin Bieber this much, but hey, it's all good.

Downgraded Plan: "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

This song isn't really as hot, but people still think it is, so here it is. The immortal lyrics of "Call Me Maybe" have thoroughly situated themselves in the American Cultural Tapestry, and there's no going back. It's part of what makes this little jaunt so ridiculously catchy and easy to sing a long to. That's a winning recipe for success - even better than "The Recipe" (see above).

The New Pop Rock Kings: "Payphone" by Maroon 5

Maroon 5's album, Overexposed drops this week, and boy is it crap! It's a strong departure from some of their earlier styles, and even the name is a call to what Maroon 5 has become in the last few years: Fucking Overexposed. I'm not sure if The Voice has gone to Adam Levine's head or not, but this is a complete sell-out. I'm just glad I've never been a Maroon 5 fan, else I'd be even more disappointed that they've lost all of their earlier edge. Still, this is by none the Jam of the Week - now perhaps nothing more than an ode to losing your cell phone, but the track is here to stay.

Next Week...

Gotye came out with a new track this week, which is bloody awful. Will he prove to be a one-trick pony? It's the Independence Day Hangover week - anything can happen.

The Long Halloween Vol. III - Cinco de Mayo

Well folks, it's time once again for the Third Installment of The Long Halloween - Norwegian Morning Wood's monthly look at a different holiday every month and the proper pop culture ways to celebrate it. In our third year of pulling this crap we've descended into the Obscure Edition - highlighting the random, insane, peculiar holidays that may otherwise go unnoticed. With that said, today actually shouldn't be all that unfamiliar - welcome to Mexican St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo.

That's right folks. It's High Noon on Cinco de Mayo - time to substitute Coronas and Sauza for Guinness and Jameson and party with the steady beating Latin Heart in all of us. The celebration commemorates a great battle, and is known regionally in Mexico as El Dia de la Batalla de Puebla, meaning "The Day of the Battle of Puebla." The battle was a huge victory for the United States of Mexico that pushed the French out of the territory and halted their invasion plans.

Yes, apparently France tried to invade Mexico during the American Civil War, the result of which is Cinco de Mayo. Sometimes History really is fun. It really is a Holiday that should be celebrated my Americans as well, not only does it mark another defeat of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, but if the French were able to get a decisive win over Mexico they would have been in a better position to aid the Confederate States of America in their rebellion against the Union. ¡Viva la Mexico!

So what should we watch with our cervezas and tequila and this grand day? At first I thought Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003) would be appropriate, but I really can't distinguish between any of the Mexico Trilogy on this day. Director Robert Rodriguez has contributed to the Mexsploitation genre with El Mariachi (1992), Desperado (1995), and the aforementioned Once Upon a Time in Mexico. All three are classic counterparts to traditional Westerns that more often paint Mexicans as scumbags or drug dealers. Well, there are still scumbags and drug dealers here but there are heroes and badasses, too. Antonio Banderas crafted an image and a career from these films, echoed throughout pop culture, naturally leading to Puss in Boots (2011).

It's tough to think of a proud Mexican film that doesn't involve either Antonio Banderas or Robert Rodriguez. Will Ferrell's recent Casa de mi Padre (2012) may do the trick, but you really have to be in on the joke to enjoy that one (I certainly did), and there's crazier, more Mexican stuff out there. Recently Machete (2010), and its pending sequel, have been explicit and blatant Mexsploitation events full of Mexican pride expressly contrasted with White American influence. To celebrate a battle that kept out Foreign White Influence, what better film than Machete? In the same vein we could look at Antonio's The Mask of Zorro (1998), which includes bar none the greatest movie scene of all time, seen below:



It may just be that I was getting my first boners when this film came out. It may just be that if I was Zorro this is the only thing I would do with my sword powers and I would do it all the time. Or it may just be the intense sexual tension so perfectly encapsulated, managed, and diffused, but it's probably just because Antonio and Catherine are both pretty hot. Oh, Mexico.

While we're on the subject, why not visit our fair friends south of the border with National Tourism Week that also begins today and runs until May 13th? You could go to Mexico like so many of our cinematic idols, from Josh Brolin's mariachi wake-up in No Country for Old Men (2007) to Martin Lawrence in another one of my all-time favorite movie scenes from Blue Streak (1999). Or if you want to limit tourism to our own damn country you could just plop in Vacation (1983), because Hollywood hasn't improved on that yet.