2022 Oscar Results! And Nothing Crazy Happened!

I'm lying, something really crazy did happen. Power of the Dog (2021) only had one win, for best director! This is surely controversial. Sam Elliot has a lot of sway in Hollywood, I guess. Such a shame that otherwise the ceremony was just trite and boring.

Yeah, okay, we know what happened. Everyone has a take and it's all pretty obvious. To me, I'm glad he got his Oscar because Will's not going to work again. Or he will because Hollywood is crazy, and seems to be mostly on his side for some reason. But this is the kind of thing you remember for a long time, which is bonkers because Will Smith has sooo many things that are worth remembering. So, let's talk much more about this throughout this whole article, but let's get into our all-time stats:

2021: 12/23

2020: 13/24 

2019: 13/24 

2018: 16/24 

2017: 13/24 

2016: 14/24 

2015: 13/24 

2014: 20/24 

2013: 14/24 

2012: 16/24 

2011: 14/24 

2010: 12/24

I'm really so bad at this. Anyway, let's do it.

Best Picture:

I'm realizing I forgot to make a prediction for this. It was DOG in my head. CODA ended up winning. CODA was surging a bit towards the end, but honestly I didn't think it would upset Power of the Dog, which I guess everyone actually just Sam Ellioted, so whatever.

0/1

Best Director:

Prediction: Campion

I got this one!

1/2

Actor:

I said Garfield, Smith was the front-runner but I just didn't trust it. I fumbled perhaps the most obvious category, but if Garfield had one I would have looked like a genius. Now I look like...a dumbass. I just feel like Tom Cruise is going to make a movie where he stars as John McEnroe's dad to get his Oscar, finally. And Will's presence throughout the ceremony and speech were totally normal.

1/3

Actress:

Kirsten Stewart did not win this. I'm happy for Chastain, I didn't pay much attention to her, but looking back, this does feel like an acknowledgment of an impressive body of work, mostly Dark Phoenix (2019). I don't know. The Academy always awards folks like this unless it doesn't.

1/4

 Supporting Actor:

At the time Smit-McPhee, of Dark Phoenix fame seemed like the unstoppable lock. In the past few weeks this turned into all-Kotsur. Clearly, CODA struck the chord I thought Dog would. Fuck this, I'm just making my predictions the week of next year.

1/5

Supporting Actress:

No real question, DeBose got this, well deserved and very exciting.

2/6

Adapted Screenplay:

Just read my words. "This could go to CODA but I think Campion goes all in." Half of that was true. The Academy just clearly ended up loving this movie. Also Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

2/7

Original Screenplay:

Even leading up to this I thought this would go to Pizza. What's a boy got to do? I have no real interest in Belfast (2021) if Jamie Dornan doesn't sing about how his heart is torn between an Albino and midwesterner played by the same actress while running through the sand and climbing a palm tree like a cat who's decided to climb up a palm tree.

2/8

Animated Film:

I still haven't seen Encanto (2021) but I want to! Does that count? I actually read the wind on this one.

3/9

Animated Short Film:

Always a crap shoot, but I did say Wiper would be in the top three. I mean, whatever. As long as it kept Will Smith's wife's name out of its fucking mouth.

3/10

Costume:

I didn't really buy that this should be Cruella (2021) but all the pundits were unanimous, and imagine that, I listen to people and get a category right.

4/11

Short Film:

Suck it. Got this one. "Long Goodbye"

5/12

Score:

DUNE (2021). Okay, here come all the technical awards that DUNE won, which will generally save me, except for one which I doubted. Well-earned, it was a great score.

6/13

Sound:

I still want two categories. But what I want more is more obvious DUNE wins to salvage my terrible night. Almost as terrible as Chris Rock's left cheek.

7/14

Cinematography:

I deviated from the DUNE and got punished. I was clearly in on Doggy and got bit for it. That bite like the Philadelphia cream cheese running off Chris Rock's face. Oh boy.

7/15

Documentary:

Listen, I didn't actually watch the ceremony. What the hell was ?uestlove's acceptance speech like. Just stunned audience at this point? It's just mind-blowing. What does Ricky Gervais thnk?

8/16

Doc Short Subject:

This went to "Queen of Basketball" which fits in with Kobe Bryant's win a while back instead of Benazir, which sounds probably sad. I mean, alopecia isn't even fatal.

8/17

Editing:

Thanks, DUNE.

9/18

French Film:

This was a pretty clear lock as well. It kind of goes without saying, although Worst Person in the World (2021) could have swept in. I need to watch Drive My Car (2021) on HBOMax and you should, too!

10/19

Makeup and Hairstyling:

WHATEVER. I know. I know. I just couldn't fall in line and go with Tammy Faye. This was just some black hole for me, I knew nothing about it. I blame Hillbilly Elegy (2020) which got me off the "make-up makes the movie a lock" vote. You know who doesn't need hairstyling?

10/20

Original Song:

Stan Sitwell. I don't want to talk about losing this category, but I'm glad Billie Eilish is an Oscar Winner.

10/21

Production Design:

Thanks, DUNE

11/22

Visual Effects:

You complete me, DUNE

12/23

Well, I feel like a real Peacock. Same score as last year. Meh, looking back, I probably should have gotten four more right, the obvious locks for Actor, Supporting Actor, Makeup, and Song. I misread the lack of power for Power of the Dog and it bit me, losing a lot to CODA.

Also, we all know that Will Smith is insane, right? Like, just watch After Earth (2013). Or better yet, Winter's Tale (2014). That's right. We remember you in Winter's Tale. First of all, Chris Rock's joke was certainly tasteless. They're allowed to both be wrong. But like, no one would remember that joke tomorrow. Ya'll remembering this on stage assault during one of the most watched live programs we have left. This just feels like the culmination of cancel culture - we need to find the zone between genuinely caring about each other and creating jokes that don't personally offend, but also being able to laugh at ourselves and not freak out over things that we could probably just move on from and aren't a big deal in the long run.

I don't know. I at least like that song by The Anxiety.

Purging Through the Jungle with a Big Fucking Giant

Ahh. The Fourth of July Weekend. This has traditionally been a powerhouse weekend at the Cinema, but truth be told, in recent years past that distinction has been put to the test. We have three films dropping this weekend, none of which I'd expect to really light up the box office. Still, let's try to discuss their critical, cultural, and commercial potential. First, though, let's update on Independence Day Weekend:

Way back when when I was crushing The Long Halloween, we discussed the obvious choice this weekend - Independence Day (1996). We're lucky to have Resurgence (2016) still slumming around theaters this weekend, and you should probably go see that. We haven't actually had an outstanding Independence Day weekend in a while though. If you check out the top all time, we have Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) at the tip-top and Despicable Me 2 (2013) at the #3 slot, but that doesn't feel quite like a Fourth of July America Fuck Yeah-sort of blockbuster, does it? We're five years past Dark of the Moon - what else we got?

Well, the only other films in the past decade are a Twilight film, The Amazing Spider-Man (2012), and the original Transformers (2007). Recent years have given us some epic misfires, from Terminator: Genisys (2015) to Tammy (2014), The Lone Ranger (2013), and The Last Airbender (2010). These are some of the most high profile bombs of all time, or at least recent cinematic history. Once you get out into the aughts there are some better candidates like Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009), Hancock (2008), and Superman Returns (2006), but very few of these echo that epic patriotism of Independence Day. That's likely a solid reason why Transformers has done so well here. America wants to turn its brain off and watch some explosions, jingoism, and some fucking flag waving for the grand U S of A. I'm still kind of surprised that Tammy fell on its face, because even though it was a bit of a mess, it was totally a summer movie that had a lot of fun with itself, even if it had some heavy parts that didn't really hit on a tonal level.

My point is that in the 90s this weekend saw Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990 - which, by the way, what did audiences think of the Christmas-themed film that uses a snowstorm as an integral plot component coming out in the Heart of Summer?), T2: Judgment Day (1991 - somehow this is way more of a patriotic movie than Genysis. Maybe it's just a better movie), Men in Black (1997), Armageddon (1998), Wild Wild West (1999), and The Patriot (2000). These are the films that Independence Day built its back on. All of these are classic American blockbusters. Well, Wild Wild West and The Patriot sort of, but they're still pretty damn American.

On that note, we ought to talk about Will Smith, who appeared in four of the above movies (plus Men in Black II [2002], also a Fourth of July movie). These were all decently successful. Even Wild Wild West made as much as Bad Boys (1995) and Ali (2001) put together. His absence in any good film since...jeez, I Am Legend (2007)? If that? Maybe we go back to Hitch (2005)? Anyway, his absense in any good films, despite how incredible and weird and awesome his brief scene in Winter's Tale (2014) is, is surely felt in a country that yearns for someone to fill the big gap left by his departure. And we have another Independence Day right now! Why wasn't this worked out? Damn it. Damney damn it.

So let's go through these films in order of how much I want to see them, and I don't think I'll spend all that much time on anyone this go around. I say that now. Let's start with The BFG. Now, I was an enormous fan of the Roald Dahl book as a kid, and twenty years ago I'd be ecstatic at the prospect of a film adaptation. I'm not into it nearly as much now for some reason. Maybe it's just because I haven't read the book in twenty years. I remember the Fleshlumpeater and that farting scene. And didn't he really like pickles or something?

That's not natural.

The BFG just really doesn't look that exciting. I don't want to blame the layers of endless hokey CGI...but it's probably the endless layers of hokey CGI. I also can't understand Spielberg's sudden love affair with Mark Rylance. I'm not convinced of his acting ability at all, Academy Award be damned. Maybe the whole thing is just a little childish for me. I was also never into The Adventures of Tintin (2011), which was due to a simple disconnect from the material, which I think The BFG echoes.

There's no real reason to expect a poor movie out of Spielberg, although Tintin is unfortunately the closest thing you can compare this to. He's always avoided streaks or trends (he made The Lost World [1997] in between Schindler's List [1993] and Amistad [1997] and 1941 [1979] in between Close Encounters of the Third Kind [1977] and Raiders of the Lost Ark [1981] - you never know what you're going to get). I get a bad feeling about The BFG. I don't think Independence Day Americans want to see a British-based fantasy film. There hasn't been that much urgency to any of the marketing material, and there doesn't seem to be any must-see scenes or cultural resonance to it. I'd call it a hard pass at this point.

Roald Dahl film adaptaions are also a fairly mixed bag. For every Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) you have a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005). Even in animation, they range from the dreadful James and the Giant Peach (1996) to the sublime Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009). I'd argue that this essentially all comes down to the adaptation team. Mr. Fox is very much a Wes Anderson film the same as Charlie is, for better or worse, very much a later-era Tim Burton film. It's hard to predict anything, but I'm siding on the "no one cares" angle.

Moving on to The Legend of Tarzan (2016), which is another movie where I don't understand its existence. Why do they keep greenlighting Edgar Rice Burroughs stories? This actually seems to have an interesting twist - it's set after Tarzan has already left the jungle and depicts him coming back and re-adapting to Ape Culture. That's totally not communicated in the marketing and I feel a Hercules (2014) thing coming on where you get all pumped up to see Hercules and then it turns out that Hercules isn't even Hercules.

Watch out for that tree!

Of course, Tarzan is one of the most popular film characters of all time. He's appeared in 54 films since 1918. Of course, 44 of those films came before 1980. Still, there's been ten Tarzan films since 1980! Did you even know that?! The most high profile recent film is probably the bizarre dreadlocked Disney Tarzan (1999) with Rosie O'Donnell and a particularly brutal villain death, even for 90s Disney Films. But did you catch the Casper Van Dien film from 1998!? That was the last live action Tarzan film, and because of its serialized Johnny Weissmuller history along with its trend towards ultimate camp (Christopher Lambert taking the title role in 1984 seals it), it's been kind of a weird IP to add legitimacy to.

Still, it's public domain, so play ball. The cast of this one is actually pretty spectacular, re-uniting Django Unchained co-stars Sam Jackson and Christoph Waltz (who actually seems to be kind of awful in non-Tarantino films), along with Margot Robbie, Djimon Hounsou (who I feel like is in everything), and Jim Broadbent. The weak link is probably Alexander Skarsgård, who is a competent enough actor, but has never been really exceptional or a memorable draw. I suppose this is his chance, and he has the abs, so that works.

It's actually a bit weird how pervasive Tarzan is in our social consciousness. I've never seen a Tarzan film outside of the Disney version, but I totally know the story. The yell, the loincloth, it's all good. Most my memory is probably more Brendan Fraser George of the Jungle (1997). I mean, this is gold. Pure gold. I'm not going to be able to watch The Legend of Tarzan now. All I will think about is Brendan Fraser swinging into trees. Does Tarzan really deserve the rain-soaked gritty treatment? The dude's in loincloth surrounded by Apes. He better do the yell. I hope this film doesn't think it's too good for Skarsgård to scream through the jungle like a maniac. It's like Godzilla's fire breath; the most distinctive trait for the character.

I don't think anyone will want to see a Tarzan movie for the same reason they didn't want a John Carter movie or a Lone Ranger movie. These are old characters that we don't really care about. Every kid and nerd wants to see a movie about Captain America because they grew up reading stories about him. No one has sat around reading Tarzan stories in literally a hundred years, and even back then, they were niche pulp, not highly respected literature. My hopes for this film's success are about as dismal as The BFG. Again, if you're an overzealous American kid on Independence Day do you want to see some Brits wandering around the jungle screaming at Apes? Where is my damn fighter jet. Now, if they were to finally come out with a Magnus, Robot Fighter movie, then we'd be getting somewhere.

So now we move on to The Purge: Election Year (2016). Thank you, Purge. Thank you. This is my #1 movie of the week, at least that I'm pumped up about. It has tended to be a niche film, although to be fair, the original, even if wouldn't compete with traditional summer blockbusters, made thirty times its budget worldwide. It sequel, The Purge: Anarchy (2014) made a bit more than that, but more importantly, it drastically expanded its world in a way that I really respected. Election Year looks like it's going all-out nuts crazy, which is awesome. It feels like this series is getting looser and crazier as it goes on, toying with its premise in ways that progressively blur the line between horror and horror-comedy.

Do your patriotic duty and watch The Purge.

It's also flatly American. If there's any theme to this Independence Day Weekend post, it's that these films should have something American to them! I suppose the big studios don't actually care about that anymore because they can actually get a little more bank by focusing on more global issues while securing high worldwide grosses. Eww. Lame. There also seems to be a derth of political films in general this year. We've at least had W. (2008) or The Campaign (2012) in years past. Maybe The Purge: Election Year fits in with that lot.

Two years ago I argued that Purge movies could go on forever with the articulate yet simple high concept world they've built. The cool part is that they're not tied into any specific character or scenario. They can spin it into whatever they want. Obviously this year, with the chick from The Santa Clause 2: the Mrs. Clause (2002) wanting to ban the Purge, well that just won't stand. Hey it can't end with her being successful, right? Then these movies will stop! Maybe the creators are all purged out. No, that will not stand!

In terms of cultural resonance, I actually see Election Year blurring with Anarchy, unless it ends up really setting itself apart. It certainly seems like it could. It has the style, sardonic wit, and murderous irreverence to do so that seems to up the ante from the previous installments while communicating a pretty simple plot efficiently. Out of all the films coming out this weekend, Election Year is somehow the only one that has actually given me a compelling reason to see it - I want to know if the Purges stop!

Election Year will almost certainly make money, even if it doesn't debut near the top of the Weekend, which it'll honestly have to get through Finding Dory (2016) to get through, which ought to crush at least another $30 million. I can see The BFG reigning supreme, although it's going to be a close call. Election Year may also run into some trouble from The Shallows (2016) and The Conjuring 2 (2016), both of which have done decent for what they are. Are we horror'd out for Summer? They're all pretty different movies - ghosts, sharks, legal murder for 12 hours. What movie do you think will earn the crown this weekend?

2014 in Review: Best Scenes in the Films of 2014

Once again I felt like waiting until the last gasp of 2014 to put out my best of list - all those people who rush at the beginning of December really aren't absorbing everything that the year has to offer. With one last mighty breath, 2014 is extinguished and we head into the throngs of 2015. Hoverboards, ya'll! But before that, let us take a moment to describe the best scenes, actors, trailers, music, trends, and films of 2014. This post is going to be wicked drippy. Actually I think I'll split it up, because there's way too much going on here. Let's just talk about the scenes.

Best Scenes of 2014:

There are some spoilers here for sure, because some of these are the endings of films and stuff, so if you haven't seen a lot of these flicks, just skip ahead. I like the idea here of highlighting a lot of crappy movies that had really awesome scenes, along with the best films of the year who did have incredible moments.

#15: Creating the World in Noah



Noah really isn't an altogether terrible movie, or at least it really wasn't as bad as people purported it to be. I mostly enjoyed it because it's trippy as hell and has all these bizarre moments like Rock Angels and other insane gritty moments of like, Ray Winstone eating a live rat on board the Ark. It falls apart because no one cares about Noah, and the character himself grows insane to the point of being unlikable. The production design is also other-worldly and ridiculous, and I've never seen the Biblical account of the World's Creation rendered so creatively.

#14: Breast-feeding in Neighbors

I wanted to pick one scene from Neighbors because it really deserves recognition for being one of the funnier movies of the year, but it's really hard. The set-up for the breast-feeding scene is epic, though, and it wins as possibly being the most painful moment in a movie built upon painful moments. I almost picked the Dance Off, though, as much for Seth Rogen's doofiness as for Rose Byrne's conniving stares.

#13: Ending Concert in Whiplash



There's a lot of painful tense scenes in this film, the rushing or dragging scene above is one of them, but there's no better moment that subverts both the entire movie's set-up and what should have appeared to be a classic "rough teacher just trying to push his students harder" bit of acceptance and redemption. Instead it's nuts and Miles Teller has to become a badass on his own instead of getting it handed to him by J.K. Simmons. I'd love to find a clip, but I think it's a bit too fresh to be online yet.

#12: Home Invasion / Club Fight in John Wick



John Wick succeeded by being a perfect antidote to a lot of action movies out there right now, along with giving Keanu a role that should be really natural for him but we haven't seen him do in a while. And it doesn't suck! If you look at these two fight scenes you'll notice a few things - how fast they are yet how much you're allowed to breathe and actually take in the action, along with how creative and fast-thinking John Wick actually is as he's reloading and dodging bad guys. It's clear, crisp, concise action that's done more in the real world than with CGI. Who would have guessed this style was visually appealing?! And here is the club scene.

#11: Smile in Why Don't You Play in Hell



Why Don't You Play in Hell is a bonkers Japanese film about a young film crew that sets out to film the greatest movie ever with a bunch of gangsters, which really just becomes the gangsters actually killing their enemies on film. It's got a real sense of beautiful mania to it, and the final blood soaked battle jumps off from where Kill Bill Vol 1 (2003) left off. But really, the Smile Scene is where it's at for pure weirdness.

#10: Opening of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes



There wasn't more impressive character work done this year than in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, especially considering 1) They weren't human, 2) They hardly spoke, and 3) They were CGI motion captured. Everything you need to know about the principal Apes in the film comes across in the first five minutes of the film and then it spirals from there into lunacy like Monkeys shooting guns from tanks and Koba getting the Hans Gruber treatment. But watching and immediately understanding an entire Ape Society without resorting to this is a ridiculous feat.

#9: The Avalanche in Force Majeure



I haven't seen all of Force Majeure but I have seen this scene (and another one where some girl at the ski resort mistakenly hits on the family's father and his buddy), and it's spectacular. From the sudden tension and drama that unfolds after a "controlled" avalanche goes awry to the complete failure of a father to protect his family to the calm way the scene just picks up where it left off once the snow passes, it's a few minutes where you can identify an entire film.

#8: Birdman takes Flight in Birdman

Maybe I shouldn't say this is the best scene in Birdman - I mean, the whole film is rallying against scenes like this, right? But it is the moment where reality and fantasy begin to really blur (maybe I should have picked that ending), and it forms this elegy for Big Blockbuster Temptation - commercialism that will make you a man more than any crappy artistic play could. It's really the crux of the film and it's also where Michael Keaton's Riggan Thompson finds his mojo. And maybe he dies, who knows.

#7: "Ooh Child" in Guardians of the Galaxy



I wanted to pick a musical moment in Guardians and to me, this is the best. Others may go with Redbone or Blue Swede, but for me, Peter Quill's A Cappella "Ooh Child" Dance Off with Ronan is the highlight of this flick. It's Star-Lord's irreverence slamming headfirst into Ronan's antiquated villainous monologue-y attitude. It's a moment of sincere hilarity in what would otherwise have been any other superhero climactic struggle. And most importantly, it actually works, distracting that big jackass long enough for Rocket and Drax to do their thing and blow his weapon apart.

#6: Andre Allen's Hits Bottom in Top Five

There are a lot of spectacular moments in Top Five, but it mostly relies on verbal jokes, revelations, or riffs on various topics. When Chris Rock's Andre Allen's night in Houston goes from the greatest of his life to the worst of his life, though, I was laughing out of my seat. Cedric the Entertainer has never been more over the top and every element to how this scene was constructed, from the early expectations to Chris Rock's perfect terrified face as things go completely awry is perfect.

#5: The Frozen Arm in Snowpiercer



Snowpiercer is full of insane amazing scenes, and many would probably go with the mid-car ice bridge darkness axe battle, but the Frozen Arm is the first indication that this is a special movie. It's an ingenious use of the movie's own universe to dish out punishment that also provides excellent world-building. You're not quite sure what those portals are or what the man is doing with his shirt off, but as you figure it out on your own it dawns on you how brutal and perfect it is. The limb-losing becomes a common thread, and you can begin to tell that this is something that many people in the back of the train have gone through.

#4: Docking in Interstellar

How does Matthew McConaughey know how to do this? Who cares, but this scene is set up with aplomb and is one of the most tense of the year. First we see Matt Damon complete screw up his docking, which causes all kinds of hell to break loose. Then McConaughey gives it a shot and kicks ass, even though his ass is kicked doing it. Nolan does a great job in this movie of framing concepts that are difficult to conceive, and two objects spinning around in circles trying to line-up with each other could have been pretty boring. Instead, it's the highlight of the film.

#3: Throat-slitting in Gone Girl



Here's the ultimate "OH SHIT WTF JUST HAPPENED" moment of the year. We already know that Rosamund Pike's Innocent Victim Amy is really a conniving bitch, but this is the first true measurement of deep her insanity lies. Like I said in my review of this, I don't really like calling her insane because I think the film justifies a lot of her actions, if in their own way, but this is a brutal out of left field moment that cements her status as the most dangerous creature at the party. It's shocking, in character for everyone, and pushes the ending to a natural delicious tortured finish. It's a sizzling caper to an electric film.

#2: Time in a Bottle in X-Men: Days of Future Past



In terms of sheer awesomeness, it's tough to beat this one. At once it's both how much of a Deus Ex Machina Quicksilver is and a brilliantly majestic use of song, special effects, comedy, and character. It's not so much about advancing plot here as it is just getting the gang out of a jam, but on sheer irreverent cleverness alone this earns some big points for existing in an otherwise self-serious movie about time travel, robot apocalypses, and blue girls kicking ass.

#1: Fire Breath in Godzilla



This should hopefully cause some controversy, but I thought long about this and I decided that my most rewarding moment at the theater this year came from that first little charge up the tail and ended with a giant monster's head being melted off. Maybe it's just that we spent forever waiting for the big guy to even show up and start fighting and you know that his most powerful weapon, the Nuclear Fire Breath is coming. It's also just so well designed visually. The way that glow lights up the night where you didn't even know the G-Man was there. Godzilla is the kind of throwback movie that does all the little things right, and this is really the crux of all that waiting and the payoff is the greatest scene in the film. It's the ultimate cheerable moment, and as Godzilla stands King of the Monsters you can't help but feel a little pride that he's on your side.

Bonus: The Devil in Winter's Tale



I had to include this scene. It's not great by any means, but it's certainly the most downright bizarre in the most bizarre movie of 2014. What is Will Smith doing here? Why is he almost a convincing devil? Honestly, this YouTube video only has like 10,000 views - no one even knows that Will Smith is in this movie. And lest we not even forget what is actually happening in this scene - what the hell is going on? Why is there this bureaucracy for Demons on Earth? It's completely mystifying and spectacularly terrible.

Because Internet: Trailer Wars

Movies are interesting among the producers of goods in that we don't really care who's making them. To some extent this is true of everybody, I mean, no one really gives a shit whether or not a cookie comes from Nabisco or Kellogg, in fact it'd be extremely difficult to even name each of their products offhand. But the irony is that through all this complete irreverence on the part of the consumer, big companies are locked in deathly dire competition with each other and will kill to get to the top.

This is why I've had my interest peaked by three trailers and one bit of casting news as of late. It's as if every major studio is suddenly throwing its hat into the ring and screaming to be noticed. A month or so ago I went on a long rant about what I thought of the Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) trailer, and I think that went pretty well and I stand by that. I still think that's a decent trailer which does an excellent job of re-introducing these characters while mystifying just enough of the plot while maintaining intrigue to keep our attention going. That's really hard to do with a trailer. For a reminder:



About 60.6 million views on its official channel, as of 03 DEC 2014.

A week ago another trailer debuted, which did almost as well, but had arguably a bit more of a wow factor and buzz going into Thanksgiving Weekend. That would be Universal's Jurassic World (2015). There's that bit of dread, a slight twist (an actually successful, up and running Park?), that "HOLY SHIT!" moment (Mosasaurus getting a snack), and that mysterious, dark intrigue (the brand-new super-badass hybrid Dinosaur). It even has a hauntingly mellow score, this time in the form of a super-laid back version of Johnny Williams' opus that contrasts with the havoc on screen. Jurassic Park is always this juxtaposition of man's need for order and nature's proclivity for chaos, usually to the detriment of man (don't worry - woman inherits the earth). A lot of those themes are still echoing in the cheesy B-movie sci-fi vibe the trailer gives off with the Frankensaur here, but the point is that this had big points that it got across well and made everyone on the Internet lose their minds. Here it is again:



That would be 40.4 million views as of right now. Not quite beating Age of Ultron, but that one had nearly an additional month of lead-time. For as big as Ultron felt, it never felt as monumental as hearing those riffs from Jurassic Park one more time, which is crazy because the franchise has totally had diminishing returns over the past few years. Jurassic World works because it feels like more of a new story instead of a re-hash. It's not like someone is lost on the Island again. Or there are lost little kids to find. Crap. It still hit nostalgia just right and seemed awesome.

Until Friday when Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens dropped and everyone lost their damn minds. Not just nerds - everyone, EVERYONE is talking about this thing. It's crazy to think of what the actual power of this franchise is when it's not being bogged down by really really shitty movies and word of mouth. I mean, there are entire separate films devoted to answering that question. And I was curious, too, about how all this stacks up. So I looked at some Google search trends. Age of Ultron peaked admirably where it should, and Jurassic World is up there, but actually not as much as I may have predicted - but look at fucking Star Wars. On any random day there's about as much search activity to nearly equal the peak levels of these giants, but when the trailer dropped? It doubles the Avengers' peak and nearly triples Jurassic World. You may do the searches yourself, or check out this dandy bugger:

There has been a mind-boggling amount of trailer analysis. Everyone from master bladesmiths to Stephen Colbert are weighing in on the Sith Lightsaber design. People are offering detailed specs as to how that little rolly-ball droid may have originated and how it works. And of course, everyone on Earth and Hell are speculating about the three leads here (which mysteriously are not Han, Luke, and Lando), played by John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, and Oscar Isaacs. THIS.

Why is all this going on? Well, first and foremost, it doesn't suck. It's new and different at the same time, which is in line with all these other trailers, but Star Wars is different. Star Wars means so much to so many people - and by that, I mean that Star Wars is EVERYTHING to so many people that any glimmer of a Star Wars that doesn't suck is a huge monumental event. There's just that right level of nerd teasing (check out the S-Foils) and wha-moments (Is Boyega a stormtrooper or pulling a Luke and Han on the Death Star?) that it's just nirvana for all sorts of fans. So here is that one, again:



And I don't even know if this one is officially posted by a studio here, this is about the biggest one, which comes from just MOVIECLIPS Trailers, which is sitting at 40.9 million views at this current moment.

So it seems. Ultimately you'd have to add some of the other top hosts together and then we get to to those Avengers numbers, which neither of these other films really have. So, to get back to what I was originally saying, about Studios knocking each other around, first of all, it's insane and depressing to think that both Avengers and Star Wars are popping out of Disney's asshole these days, which is also why they aren't cannibalizing each other, with Star Wars dropping a solid seven months after its Robot-driven cousin. Universal, though, sure as hell wants a slice of that pie. And look at little Warner Brothers trying to make some waves with its ridiculous Suicide Squad Casting announcement. So let's talk about that for a bit.

This casting is absolutely insane, mostly because it's really good. DC is effectively lining up all these prestige actors for its projects, mostly because they'd otherwise be pretty bad. Suicide Squad is a really interesting title to come off so early in the DC Shared Universe Movie World because it's so damn out there as a concept - hardly mainstream friendly or even that well known. Will Smith as Deadshot? Out of every superhero that Will Smith could have played, he's going to end up being Deadshot? More importantly, though, this film straight up doesn't get made if Jared Leto isn't the Joker.

That's a huge bridge! That's your news! You can't just sign up anyone to play the role that single-handedly saved DC and changed superhero movies forever. There's always the Batman Begins (2005) argument, but The Dark Knight (2008) really was the one to put every single person involved on the map, and that was 80% Ledger's Oscar-winning Joker. How the hell do you follow that up and keep the cash flowing? Cast the dude who last won an Academy Award in the same category, who can kind of pull off the same thing. I don't really understand why no one remembers that the rest of Leto's roles are pretty shitty and he has more politics to thank for winning for Dallas Buyers Club than any talent, but whatever. It's a casting that looks really good.

The same goes for the rest of this. Margot Robbie is a natural, trendy selection after The Wolf of Wall Street; Jai Courtney was undoubtedly available; Tom Hardy is still made fun of for Bane, despite towering over Ledger's Joker, in my opinion; the other chick is pretty hot; but then there's Will. What the hell is Will Smith doing anything near this thing? Well, the honest truth of it is that the only films he's headlined since 2008 is a desperate sequel and a terrible ego project that everyone hated. I still think that when people hear "Will Smith" they think it's a big deal, although how did I miss that cat in Winter's Tale (2014)? He needs this bullshit, even though it's totally beneath him.

Now I'm totally off track. The fight for buzz completely interests me - there's only so much room on the Internet, after all. I actually mean that - how quick did we forget Jurassic World after The Force Awakens dropped? There's a delicate balance of timing there that's infinitely compelling - after all, all the nerds are going to see all this shit anyway, but what about those extra folks that really give a film its big bucks? The normies, as we might call them. You've got to stir up so much of the pot that all these nerd juices spill over into mainstream. And the prize? A few billion dollars ain't bad.

But Suicide Squad (2016) will suck with a really mismatched tone and do terribly. Now if I could only gear up you people for Space Station 76 2014....

Thirteen Things to Look Forward to in 2013

The New Year is upon us folks - it's 2013, and it's going to be a wild one. In many ways, 2012 was a huge seminal year. We had an Olympics, and Election, and a few natural disasters that changed the world. It was also this interesting year for movies. The biggest films of the year, The Avengers, and The Dark Knight Rises both felt like these huge culminations of years of anticipation. Anything else almost seems like an afterthought. Where do we go from here? The slate for 2013 is actually full of a large number of epic original ideas, as well as the typical continuations of franchises, some of which have been shining bright and will look to continue to do so, while others are striving desperately hard for some rejuvenation. With all this, 2013 is really a hangover year - nothing really momentous is going on - hell, we all thought the world was ending two weeks ago, we didn't make any plans at all. Nevertheless, here are Thirteen Things we Think Might be Cool in the Year of Our Lord 2013.

#13: Oz the Great and Powerful (03/08)

Wicked Cunt of the West?

This film has a high potential for suck, but we're not making judgments so rashly. Jim Franco is typically up to task in any film he's cast in, and a flick as wonkers as this looks up his alley. It's also easy to hate on Sam Raimi's mishandling of Spider-Man 3 (2007), the last blockbuster he tackled (or did he?) but lest we not ignore his otherwise impressive track record. Of course, it's not like anyone was really aching for an Oz prequel, but the trailer looks intriguing enough, and the mysterious handling of which leading lady will become the Wicked Witch (Rachel Weisz or Mila Kunis?) remains unanswered in the marketing material so far. If they keep this unanswered this movie actually becomes interesting. If not, I don't think this is the Halfbuster to live up to the high standard of Marches past, particularly 2012's Hunger Games. Until these questions are answered though, we're still pretty jazzed for how cool this flick can be.

#12: Warm Bodies (02/01)

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. It seems like Twilight with zombies, but a quite a bit less melodramatic and weepy about the whole thing. It's incredible that we're still finding ways to fool around with zombie tropes - I mean, honestly, I thought Shaun of the Dead (2004) did enough fooling around with the genre nearly a decade ago (yes, decade, folks). Still this has got Malkovich, James Franco's brother, and some clever source material. Check out the trailer and judge for yourself.

#11: Pain & Gain (04/26)

How insane ought this thing to be? Wahlberg, Mackie, the Rock, a ton of crime, muscles, and Michael Bay. Mike seems to grow increasingly forgiving of his own insanely juvenile nature and that's a good thing. We need this voice lighting up cinemas - it's just too easy to reflect our culture and make fun of these kinds of idiots. There also really isn't enough material that deals with insane 90s Weightlifting Culture, which is ripe for satire due to this fine line the guys walk between genuine masculinity and simple overcompensation. Will Pain & Gain help us find our manhood? Did we ever lose it? Some people did - those people need a pump - and we're pumped to see this. Check out the trailer.

#10: Star Trek into Darkness (05/17)

So dark.

Yeah this title is a little doofy - have these all been singular treks through stars (summing up the show and films quite literally I suppose), and in this one we'll trek into darkness? It's kind of an attempt to make a title into a clever phrase that's not really a phrase or that clever. J.J. I will never forgive you for this awful title. With Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) and Thor: The Dark World (2013) the word "dark" is being used a bit too much in big blockbuster titles to be taken seriously anymore. All these complaints aside, another fantastic trailer has eased our trepidation a bit. Benedict Cumberbatch is turning into 2013's Mark Strong, playing an assortment of spectacular villains with this and his role as the voice of both Smaug and the Necromancer in the forthcoming The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013). Back in the day, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) grew to become by far the best Trek flick. Will the second in the new generation of Trek flicks do the same? Plot details are few and far between, but Cumberbatch's villain is already the most interesting part of the film. What a voice! J.J.'s destruction of Vulcan and his fucking with the timeline in Star Trek (2009) already proved that he's not afraid to be bold in this universe (and why not, J.J. has an understanding that nothing he does is really permanent - it doesn't alter either the stories of the past or the inevitable reboots to fit the whims of the future). It'll be a trip to see how he jacks up Kirk and the gang here. Trailer - zing!

#9: Iron Man 3 (05/03)

It's tough to make a call on this movie. While it may have the best trailer of the year, showing moments of pain (Tony banged up in the snow), drama (his pleas to Gwyneth), big action set pieces (Tony's house getting blown to hell), and smaller emotional moments (that lonely suit drag at the end), there's also a bit of mystery here without a lot of plot relevation. That's really the perfect hype device - generate emotional investment without giving away what actually happens in the film. There's two big concerns we have though: 1) Iron Man (2008) and most of the subsequent Marvel films have gone counter to Nolan's Batman films, showing that you can have a lot fun, lose all that brooding, and still craft a quality superhero film. That doesn't appear to be the case at all in a franchise that has built itself on the fun charisma of Robert Downey, Jr. 2) How much of this will repeat the mistakes of Iron Man 2 (2010) and focus more on building a greater universe? Iron Man served to introduce us to Marvel's Phase 1, will 3 do the same for Phase 2? We have reservations - but hey, this trailer does its job and our interest is peaked.

#8: The Wolverine (07/24)

How can we be pumped about this film after X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) was so infuriatingly terrible? There are a few simple reasons - the first being a simple change in screenwriter (Chris McQuarrie [Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol {2011}]) and director (Jim Mangold [3:10 to Yuma {2007}]). Beyond that, though, this film is finally doing what many more comic book films could be doing right now - telling an experimental story (similar props to X-Men: First Class [2011]). They're taking a character thoroughly developed in four previous films and telling the story of him in a focused setting, his time in Japan. The marketing has acted accordingly - appearing elusive and classy instead of the soulless insane cash grab and botched attempt at fan service at the expense of a narrative his first solo film was see (poster at right). Did we really need an awful film to establish a character who has already been the unquestioned lead in three previous films before we could finally play around with the stories we tell about him? Do we need another Superman movie reestablishing a universe before we branch out into some actually innovative or fresh stories? It's irritating that we had to burn one on Origins to get to this point, but we also have Hugh Jackman's unyielding enthusiasm for this character to thank for his tremendously high number of portrayals. He clearly has no intention of branching out anywhere, and why should he? Wolverine gave him a career, as much as he'd probably be content just belting out tunes on Broadway (why not do both?) It's that kind of rarity (only paralleled by Nic Cage's enthusiasm in continuously playing Ghost Rider) that has kept this franchise alive and going in bold new directions.

#7: The Return of Community (02/07)

Will we actually get this one? Or will NBC keep pushing the greatest show on television back and back until we only get a Season 4 on DVD (or Netflix, at this point)? The Show is set to come on in February the week after the Final Ever Episode of 30 Rock. Is it too much to ever ask for both at once? Without showrunner Dan Harmon and the presence of Chevy Chase in only about half the episodes there's no telling how the hell this Season is going to end up, but we're betting it's still going to miles above any other comedy airing right now in its meta-obsession, genre bending storylines, and hilarity. For the past three months NBC has teased and tortured the small group of fans it actually has for this show in favor of hitching its entire wagon to The Voice (which has paid off). Why is it we keep yelling at them while they make money?


#6: Elysium (08/09)

I know next to nothing about this movie except for three things: 1) Director Neill Blomkamp gave us the very cool original story District 9 (2009) and has been apparently tinkering with this and Halo kind-of since then. 2) Matt Damon looks like this. 3) Sharlto Copley looks like this. Is that really enough to make this thing our #6 most hotly anticipated cultural item of 2013? Absolutely.

#5: Pacific Rim (07/12)

Finally, a live action Big O movie

Just as we're awaiting the new original film from a supposedly visionary director, Neill Blomkamp, we're sure as hell awaiting the new original film from visionary director Guillermo del Toro in Pacific Rim. All this needed was a name, a director, and a poster to look real cool, but then we got a trailer that promised a ton of maddeningly fantastic monster smashing action. It's about time we updated Kaiju for the modern CGI age that didn't involve Matthew Broderick. It may not spin the genre like Cloverfield (2008) did, but it looks cool and fresh and we're ready to eat it up. Besides, we'd watch Charlie Day and Idris Elba in anything. I'm just hoping that somehow the Iron Giant gets in on the action. He's already a superhero after all.

#4: The World's End (10/25)

It's about damn time Edgar Wright, Nick Frost, and Simon Pegg complete the Cornetto Trilogy. It's a testament to the high pedigree everyone involved has attained that it's taken them six years since Hot Fuzz (2007) to get this thing in theaters. While Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz had very clear targets of both homage and parody, The World's End is slightly less clear as very little marketing material has emerged so far. It seems as if end-of-the-world movies may be game, which would be suitably epic to conclude the trilogy. It's a bummer they couldn't get this off before everyone went nuts thinking 2012 would be it, but we'll take it in 2013 anyway. I'm also fairly excited for the chance to reference Shaun of the Dead twice in one post.

#3: This is the End (06/14)

Yes, the second end-of-the-world comedy on this list, This is the End seems like something a bunch of Apatow friends threw together at the last second and then added a crazy amount of postproduction effects. We can't think of a better way for them to work. The cast is an absolute dream of future comedy legends. The trailer is basically a single scene that perfectly encapsulates the insane crude tone of the movie, a reflection of real-life, and a ton of hilarious jokes. 2013 may be an epic year for comedy, as the remainder of this list will show. This film looks to be above anything else a cinematic experiment with tons of A-list comedians playing versions of the popular perceptions of themselves in some completely insane scenarios. We're on board.

#2: Anchorman: The Legend Continues (12/20)

We've got almost an entire year to build up anticipation for this, and it's tough to really know right now whether or not it's going to be worth it. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004) is an immortal comedy film whose metaphysical nature extends far beyond the confines of a single reality, or even comes close to our reality. Will and Adam McKay of continued this sort of acceptable level of insanity in Step Brothers (2008) and then went far over the top in their surrealist treatment of reality The Other Guys (2010). It's a tough task to fill, but with everyone back on board and a satisfactory, if not quickly completed teaser out there, we're looking up.

#1: The Hangover Part III (05/24)

Leading the Wolfpack again

That's right. Todd Phillips apparently isn't following the script, but we wish he would. It's pretty creative in a postmodern sort of what to find different, equally hilarious ways to change the beats of a plot without changing the plot itself, at the same time offering new jokes, action pieces, upping the ante and switching the entire color palette of a film to suit a new style based on a new setting. I (and I suspect I alone) have a tremendous appreciation for The Hangover Part II (2011) that did all of this to build upon The Hangover (2009), a Golden Globe-winning comedy, mind you, and the best we've seen since...well, since Anchorman. Part III ought to be the ultimate capper to this insane trilogy devoted to bad behavior, and we're waiting for it with baited breath more than anything else in 2013. Now we'll just have to see if Justin Bartha actually has something to do this time around. Most likely not. As for the wives, the partying, and the glory of Galifianakis, we're on board with more of everything.

Close calls:

Someone tell Tom Cruise and Will Smith that they're both accidentally making the same movie - Tom's Oblivion and Will's After Earth both look sort of interesting, and so we'll probably sort of try to see them. At least between these, Elysium, and Pacific Rim we're getting a ton of big-name original sci-fi epics. It's as if after we spent all our franchises in 2012 we're forced to start from scratch.

That is, of course, except for Man of Steel, Thor: The Dark World, and The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, all of which are unnecessary stories with characters we're pretty familiar with. I may be the only one of this opinion, but I don't believe that Superman needs to be stuffed into a Batman-like "dark" story, and the only successful progression of the character in Singer's Superman Returns (2006) is how he actually solves the world's problems without using violence (by yes, lifting three big things). Who the hell knows what to expect out of The Desolation of Smaug except that it will be another crazy colorful journey through Middle Earth like An Unexpected Journey (2012) was. As for The Dark World, Thor (2011) was great, so as soon as we see ANY details about this flick like a plot, trailer, or a still we'll start getting a little hard. Until then, we're a hard "meh."

So that's 2013. How will these flicks fare when they're finally released after months upon years of anticipation? They'll probably be awful and misguided, but we'll be there sucking them up anyway. Cheers!

The Road to a Blockbuster: Three Men in Black

Today we see the release of a few films, the biggest of which is Men in Black 3 (2012). I imagine, however, that years from now we'll be surely more interested in Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom (2012), which seems to capture some of the spirit from his earlier classics like Rushmore (1998) and The Royal Tenenbaums (2001). But our focus in these things are the loudest, trashiest attempts to jockey for a position as the Top Dog of Summer - so how does MIB3 stack up?

The original Men in Black (1997) was a phenomenon and has really stood atop the Sci-Fi Comedy charts unchallenged since its debut. It had a near-perfect mix of comedy, action, and horror as well as chemistry between likeable stars, an engaging high concept and iconic imagery, characters, and gadgets. It's simultaneously a successful Buddy Movie, Sci-Fi Movie, and Comedy Movie. One of the only other films that it could be compared to really in tone and genre is Ghostbusters (1984).

So where did this franchise go? After a great animated series that captured the weirdness while adding layers to a sleek and complex universe and then a truly terrible film sequel, there hasn't been much else to it. Will Smith has been one of the last great movie stars, from Independence Day (1996) all the way up to Hancock (2008). He hasn't done shit since Hancock, though, and MIB3 is more than a test of his Box Office Power than the test of any Star's Box Office Power. Johnny Depp already shit the bed this summer with the failure of Dark Shadows (2012). Outside of those two the list of A-Listers who can guarantee a big opening is getting slim.

Steer here with your asshole...

So what are MIB3's chances of echoing the cultural force of the first installment? About the same as Tommy Lee Jones actually turning into Josh Brolin. The schtick here is adding time travel to get Will Smith back to the 60s and a Brolin playing Lee's Agent K to perfection. Beyond that and shots of what appears to be The Entity, there isn't a whole lot more buzz here. For all his blockbuster prowess, Will Smith actually generally doesn't do that many sequels and for good reason. His films are usually far more successful as stand-alone pieces. There's not much more to go in the story beyond the end of I, Robot (2004) or I Am Legend (2007) beyond the absolute ridiculous. Men in Black was actually the one movie universe that could actually work episodically, as it's essentially a procedural. A pretty weird procedural to be sure, but one nonetheless.

What the hell

But there was no desire for this. No one cares about MiB anymore. I feel like every Blockbuster this summer will be measured against The Avengers (2012). That is, can any film do both the business The Avengers has done and be as marketable, palatable, and enjoyable. Besides a bizarre re-teaming of the two leads of No Country for Old Men (2007) playing Agent K, there's nothing here that screams must-see. It's a desperate cash-cow rather than an organic convalescence. Not that any Blockbuster is an organic convalescence, but there are certainly more appropriate and interesting places to revive a decades-old franchise than sending Will Smith back in time to apparently save Tommy Lee Jones and also prevent an invasion by giant Jellyfish.

Still, this is the kind of smartass character Will Smith played early in his career before he became really brooding in I, Robot, I Am Legend, and Hancock. It's a welcome return because it's what he did so well in Independence Day, the earlier MiBs and Bad Boys, and of course Wild Wild West (1999). Now that I've been able to mention every huge Will Smith action movie ever I can say that MIB3 may be forever known as the first of these that didn't do spectacular business in the past decade. I actually think The Avengers is still sucking up quite a bit of the market.