Showing posts with label Michael Bay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Michael Bay. Show all posts

29 December 2022

2022 Nutshelled: Stuff We Thought Would Be Great!

Ah, the best time of the year. Time to look back at what we were eagerly anticipating and see how wrong we were. I feel like I'm disappointed every year, man. Except for 2017 when Blade Runner 2049 was my most anticipated and then greatest movie of the year. So let's take a look back at this stuff and see how we did:

Untitled David O. Russel Project (turned out to be Amsterdam):

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

Dude, this shit was not good. What a freakin disaster. Just all over the place and ends with nine - NINE characters standing in a room with nothing to do. This feels more like a vanity exercise to work with every great contemporary actor (name one and they're in this movie) but give no one anything to do. Also a truly terrible exercise in subtlety. 

Bullet Train

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

I don't know. It's maybe very good, but also maybe very bad. I think I didn't like it. I'm going to end on that side, although the ending is very strong. Ultimately I don't think it gets over the problems it has loving its own cheeky self and becomes a movie struggling with its own authenticity.

Nope

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

Dude, it's like one of the best. Go watch it.

Moonfall

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

How utterly disappointing. I mean, I knew it'd be stupid, but it wasn't even that stupid in a self-aware or fun kind of way. Just kind of a mess. I'm so sad.

Don't Worry Darling

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

This movie got a lot of hate, but looking back it feels so clear that it's just more anti-women hate. The behind the scenes non-sense is inescapable not to talk about, but we should give all the actors all the more credit that the finished product is so tight.

Ambulance

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

YO! This is actually fire. I should watch it again. It's somehow the most Michael Bay-movie of all time, but then also somehow GOOD?! It landed with a substantially difficult thud, but deserves much more. I'd watch it again. It's just a pure, beautiful non-stop car chase movie. At some point you need to give it up, because Roland Emmerich is right there fucking this shame shit up. I don't know. I need to really think about this. Why is this good? I think it does have to do with its genuine-ness, it just loves itself, which many modern movies struggle with.

Jackass Forever

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

So, it's definitely good. I don't think it reaches the heights of either of the previous two installments (it's ahead of Jackass: The Movie [2002]), but it's not the amazing work that contemporary reviews thought it was. The editing was a little sloppy, I expected more from the new cast, and we are thoroughly separated from the ride or die grit that gave the first films their charm. I think critics probably liked it because it was far tamer, but c'mon. I frankly love it as a look into the world of filming through COVID. And the captured conversation about Cobra Kai lol.

The Northman

Did I see it? Yep
How was it?

Unreal. One of the best of the year and BEST EVER. More to come.

Across the Spider-Verse Part 1

Did I see it? Nope, did not come out
How was it?

I'll tell ya next year! Is this coming out?

Looking back, man, all those superhero movies were crap. I apparently liked Doc Strange better than most folks, it was definitely enjoyable, but everything else was mid. Also, what happened to the Aquaman and Flash movies? When are these ever coming out? I told you, I'll believe it when I'm in theaters. I can't believe AVABAR Dos: Wet n Wild actually dropped. I don't really plan on seeing it, maybe not ever, just looks....really really stupid.

What's up for next year?! Probably all great perfect films!!

04 January 2022

The Unabashed Greatest Upcoming Films of 2022

Another annum is upon us and that means one thing and one thing only. It's time to get HYPED for shit that will definitely suck. I am going to be bold this year and just try not to pick any superhero movies. Oh, that's not fair. I ranked The Suicide Squad (2021) in my Top Ten. Oof. I definitely have some weird picks for things I'm getting kind of excited about, so let's go from there.

Untitled David O. Russell Project
November 4th, 2022

With a catchy title like that what can go wrong! I generally enjoy David O. Russell, particularly his recent output like JOY (2015) and American Hustle (2013), but somehow he hasn't directed a film since then. There is no indication of any kind of plot anywhere, but the cast is ridiculously hot right now, including Anna Taylor-Joy, Rami Malek, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Zoe Saldana, and Timothy Olyphaunt. These were just my favourite actors, there's also Christian Bale, de Niro, Chris Rock for some reason. It's stupid. Will it be any good? Who knows, but it has my attention.

Bullet Train
July 15, 2022

This is Brad Pitt's first film post-Oscar and it comes from David Leitch, famous part of John Wick (2014)'s success. Atomic Blonde (2017) I actually thought left a lot to be desired just in terms of...having a plot, but his work with Deadpool 2 (2018) and Hobbes & Shaw (2019) is solid. I think this dude can at least handle action, and this movie is apparently about a bunch of assassins on a train fighting, I dunno, each other probably. The cast includes Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Joey King, Zazie Beetz and Brian Tyree Henry in an Atlanta reunion, and also Sandra Bullock for some reason (replacing Lady GaGa?!). I'm in. I like the idea of a bullet train being also filled with bullets. 2021 had a strange amount of train action, from Nobody, Shang-Chi, and Matrix Resurrections but it's a fun action medium. It goes fast, after all.

Nope
July 15, 2022

Jordan Peele has become an automatic hype director after Get Out (2017) and Us (2019), despite me generally disliking Key & Peele a lot. Is he just a horror guy instead? This reunites him with Dan Kaluuya, along with Keke Palmer and Steven Yeun. Not much to go on besides a poster that looks like a cloud sperm or something, but I'm definitely down for whatever racial but also just normal horror he has in store for us.

Moonfall
February 4, 2022


Listen...you may not know this about me, but I am all about movies where the moon falls out of the sky and on to earth. I have been workshopping a novel about it forever. Gravity gets messed up and we try to blow up the moon or whatever. I am so inexplicably and universally down for this. I saw this trailer when I watched Spider-Man and I was just like hell to the hell fucking yeah. Roland Emmerich making some stupid shit again. I don't care, this movie is going to be so dumb, but I love it. We are always at war with the moon. Crash that moon, baby!!

Don't Worry Darling
September 23, 2022

Olivia Wilde is an underrated actress and although she's only had one feature, Booksmart (2019), I dug that a lot. This is getting into deeper and more sinister thriller territory, but Wilde as an actress has bounced between lighter and darker roles and I'm confident she can handle a wide range. The main cast is Harry Styles and Florence Pugh as some kind of 1950s domestic mystery thriller with Chris Pine and Gemma Chan somehow also hanging out. My intrigue is definitely peaked and I hope this is cool.

Ambulance
April 8, 2022


Okay, fine. I said I didn't want to disappoint myself. But this trailer looks cool! It's Michael Bay doing Michael Bay things and the plot seems...really really unnecessarily complicated and it stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II who I am so happy is becoming a buzzy actor after being by far the best part of Aquaman (2018). The Matrix Resurrections (2021) was terrible, but whatever, he was charming in it. This looks like the kind of original bombastic action film that was popular in the 90s. I am just very game for it. I wish it had a more distinctive title, though. Google is going to think I'm in sincere medical trouble when I keep searching for Ambulance.

Jackass Forever
February 4, 2022


Ahhh February 4th Jackass and Moonfall, eh? Sounds like a pretty sweet double feature to me! I am an unashamed Jackass fan and have been for twenty years now. It definitely fits into early 2000s nostalgia which is creepily peaking its head around our corner. I am a little curious if this is going to be any good. Surely these movies work because of the camaraderie of the cast and the outrageousness of the stunts, but everyone is like, well, WELL past their prime. Is it as fun to watch a bunch of 50 year old dudes goof on each other? It's also had its share of production woes, mostly centering around Bam Margera, who couldn't stay sober on set, but is now suing Paramount saying that was a ridiculous contract he had to sign that would force him to stay sober. It's a mess. I'm cool with Bam's absence, we don't need pranks on Granny April in 2022. But it does seem like it's a bullshit move on Paramount's part. I don't know, I really want to see this, I laughed harder at this trailer than half of the movies that came out last year.

The Northman
April 22nd, 2022


Robert Eggers is 2/2 with The VVitch (2015) and The Lighthouse (2019) and he's now combing those casts (at least Anna Taylor-Joy and Willem Dafoe) with Alex Skarsgard, Nicole Kidman, and Ethan Hawke into a movie about Viking revenge. There are three distinct badass moments in this trailer - the arrow to the king, catching the spear, and just jumping off a roof without a cut that are really spectacular. It looks clear and coherent with a simple narrative, but Eggers is just a master of metaphor and visual language. In his other works there's so much else going on and I am very excited to see what he does here.

Across the Spider-Verse Part 1
October 7th, 2022


Okay! Number one hyped movie of the year comes with some serious caveats. First, the directing team is totally different. Now, on Into the Spider-Verse (2018) we really just had a directing team from SONY Animation, including two first-time directors, so that shouldn't really be that jarring. The writing team is mostly intact (Phil Lord actually adds Chris Miller, who I didn't realize was absent from the first one) as is the production team.

The problem comes with the hype. Into the Spider-Verse was so stupid good that it's going to be hard to top. Making another movie in this sub-series a Spider-Verse film seems to be limiting Miles Morales to multi-verse stories, which also seems like a creative misfire without the impetus and originality from the first film. The big question is that facing all sequels - can lightning strike twice and can this film be as exciting, dynamic, fresh, and interesting as the first one? Especially when it's "Big Brother" live action No Way Home (2021) just basically did the same thing? It's as if this is the only story we have to tell about Spider-Man anymore (don't get twisted, this same thing has also happened in comics. And the 90s animated TV show).

Now - to be fair, this is all conjecture. We don't know anything about the plot except that there is some multi-dimensional traveling again and somehow Spider-Man 2099 is involved. And that's pretty much why this is still the #1 hype machine. First - the first film was THAT good and for as edge and 90s as it is, Spider-Man 2099 is just so damn cool. I'd like a whole movie set in Nueva York and figuring that out. Superhero sequels are generally good. They get passed all that baggage required from an origin story. Think Spider-Man 2 (2004), The Dark Knight (2008), The Winter Solider (2014), or even Superman II (1980)! But it could also be like Iron Man 2 (2010) or THOR: The Dark World (2013). We just don't know, but this hype train is rolling.

Other Crap

Okay, fine, so we had a superhero movie in there. And yeah, some big blockbuster type sequels. Should we be pumped for The Batman (2022)? I mean, I definitely am, but hesitant when they just keep saying that it's better than Batman Begins (2005). Not that I think the latter is sacrosanct, just that it feels like a trick you pull when you know your film sucks. Seriously, James Cameron tried to put his weight behind Dark Fate (2019), you can't really trust these people.

Anyway, Love & Thunder, Multiverse of Madness, Wakanda Forever, Aquaman and the Lost City of Gold, I dunno. I liked all these series. I just have a more warry eye. I'm assuredly not pumped for Lightyear, which still looks like a parody or Morbius, which exists for reasons I don't understand. I will believe The Flash is a movie that exists when I see it in theaters. Probably towards the end of the movie. Same with AVABAR 2. How did this sequel series get so blocked up, it's maddening. No one cares about AVABAR anymore.

Black Adam is interesting. The Rock is inspired, but like, this dude is a sincere villain, are they going to make him fight Zachary Levi? I feel like they will Venom-ify it and render him toothless. But it could be cool! Oh, sweet sweet razorcakes.

The last films I'm cautiously optimistic about are The 355 and Turning Red. The former has an interesting premise of women from various international spy agencies teaming up, but the trailer didn't really look all that catchy. Turning Red is a Pixar movie about a girl who turns into a giant red panda when she's flustered. Again, seems like an outstanding premise, but I wasn't all that impressed by the trailer that didn't necessarily push that premise into interesting territory. Oh well, could be cool, might suck, this is the world we live in.

What do you think?! What's your hype?! All MCU? Sound off!

30 April 2020

Political Ideologies and Conservatism in Media - Here's Post #1000!

In the eleven years that we have been doing this, we have never missed a month without a post. We are coming down to the wire on this one in April, but not sure if you've noticed, but there isn't very many movies coming out right now. Nevertheless this is a golden age of streaming and watching crap, and we are consuming quite a bit of media from every available corner. There are a few things that have gone in my brain to make me think about politics and the nature of our two major governing ideologies. This is also a nice insight about what I've been watching and reading - Rod Chernow's Grant, HBO's Watchmen, FX's Mrs. America, Netflix's Waco, Jay Roach's Bombshell (2019), and Michael Bay's The Island (2005). Not too mention shifts in current Democratic and Republican ideologies. This will be a bit of a scattershot post. Are you ready to dive into what's been going on inside my brain?

I am going to try to make this largely non-political. I admittedly lean left, and there's no way to completely hide that bias, but I want to chat a little bit about how the media is far more conservative than we tend to credit it for. Part of this conversation then is how much dominant conservative groups espouse about the mainstream leftist media. Considering the preponderance of Fox News, right-wing radio talk show hosts, and as I will discuss, the general message of most American cinema, I'm not sure that is true. I do think that painting themselves as underdogs while having dominant media voices is not only a powerful way to position oneself, but a truly American one.

This country is built on being the plucky underdog. We love come from behind stories and that stems from the American Revolution. We were down 3-28 when the patriots of this country came back in the second half... Conservative media tends to have a "woe is me" attitude that emboldens its position. This is worth some discussion of political ideology.

We ought to leave behind Liberalism and Conservatism for a second, because in contemporary American politics those enlightenment-era ideologies aren't quite as clear-cut. Liberalism is more designed around emphasize civil rights, secularism, and yes, limited government. It is difficult to picture an era where that was an option, but it grew as a response to the oligarchies and monarchies of authoritarian kings. That of course is where conservatism originates - a strong authority that limits freedoms in favor of security and a singular head of state.

These original ideas have been mixed pretty thoroughly in the past three hundred years or so. I'm most curious about working out the role of government. Now, there are many different paths to political ideology, and it works best if we think of things not so much as binary left and right, but as a three-dimensional matrix where every possible belief exists as an infinite spectrum going in every possible direction. Thus, we've started to group conservatives in with juxtaposing ideas such as a government hands off approach to guns, but a very hands on approach to abortion. The inverse is true for liberals. Neither side has an actual ideology any more, at least one that can be justified by any universal truth. Both moreover simply favor familiar and established stances on issues long accepted by either party.

This of course hasn't always been true. Yeah, I've been reading Grant, the biography of Ulysses S. Grant, General of the Army for the Grand Old Republic and 18th President of these United States. It also centers around the formation of the Republican party, which seems insane now to be established around halting the expansion of slavery while Abraham Lincoln greatly increased the power of the Executive Branch. Simultaneously they seem to be both liberal in fighting for equality for all humans (err...male humans) while emphasizing a strong central authority. The liberalism of mid-19th Century Republicans was not unlike modern Democrats. While they believe strongly in egalitarian equality, they also believe that left to their own devices, private citizens will never provide this equality.

There's some heady contradiction there. It's as if the government is strong-arming its citizens to be nice to each other. During Reconstruction the South was divided into five Military Districts under jurisdiction of Union Generals in order to protect both the newly freed black population along with white Republicans who were persecuted and murdered without prudence or consequence. The government had to step in to protect freedom.

That's tough logic and one used to justify wars, security, and large standing armies by modern-day Democrats and Republicans alike. If the power of government is derived from the consent of the governed, is the role of government also to protect the governed from each other? Hence our ideologies start to conflict with each other.

We're running into that today amidst the on-going coronavirus pandemic. Donald Trump has put his party through the ringer by first placing individual response duty on the states in an effort to avoid responsibility, and then retracting that stance in favor of strong central authority when those states took stances opposed to his worldview. In the days since General Grant the Republican Party has slid far towards a more Libertarian stance, which emphasizes limited government and a completely free market. These were of course also early tenets of liberalism, which due to the tendency of parties to define themselves by opposition rather than intrinsic philosophy, has become at odds with the Democratic Party.

Modern Republicans favor an extreme individualized position. They don't want any taxes for government services and to survive on their own. That's an admirable stance, but one that feels ignorant in a world where gaps between the select few who can afford to survive on their own and the masses of people who require government intervention to survive gets wider and wider. This is of course not the only tenet of Modern American Republicans - the default is an emphasis on big business (not changed since Grant's time), traditional American values and concepts of religion, families, and households, and a general non-interference with their attempt to recreate that lifestyle.

Thus the foundation of liberalism has been split. Republicans managed to grab the self-sufficient small government emphasis and the Democrats latched on to the secular, global understanding that the world exists outside your backyard. I am very curious how we move forward after Corona if Trump continues to favor strong deference to Federal power while individual Democratic states want to do their own thing. To further compound this, what happens when the smaller state governments exercise greater control over lives, bodies, and economies than the Federal Authority that desires non-interference?

See how ideology is broken down? There is no ideology anymore. Small or big government philosophy shifts based on what is most convenient to the party in power at the time. Democrats who had strongly opposed strong Federal Power in the Reconstruction Era fell apart from FDR to LBJ as Federal Aid programs exploded and the New Deal and Great Society created a Civil Rights Welfare State that still shapes politics today.

And what about the Nazis? What about those damn Nazis? Fascism is clearly conservative - the strong emphasis on nationalism, values traditional to one's country, and strong central authority are all conservative talking points. The socialism of National Socialism wasn't really liberal socialism at all, in that one favors strong government to protect the downtrodden people while the Nazis did not have a great Civil Rights track record. What happens, then, when these viewpoints are co-opted by Klansman and neo-Nazis today who support Republican isolationist and anti-women movements?

Well, that made me think of HBO's Watchmen. Alan Moore's original graphic novel, Watchmen (1986) crafted a unique niche by distilling philosophies into the worldview of fictional superheroes and then letting those personalities bounce off each other until the world was destroyed (or saved). The nihilistic Comedian, Manichaean Rorschach, the utilitarian Ozymandias. It's fun.

In HBO's version, set 34 years after the original graphic novel, we see some of these same people, but I'm most curious about Rorshach's legacy. Lip service was given to Rorschach's original ultra-conservative views, but the follow-up sees the logical conclusion in the Seventh Kavalry, a white supremacist organization that adopts Rorschach's mask. Okay, let's catch you up.

Originally, Rorschach's whole deal was that he was a tortured little kid who wore a black and white mask that would mesh but never mix, leading to what looked like a constant Rorschach blot on his face. Alan Moore took inspiration from Steve Ditko's Question and Mr. A who were both Randian conspiracy theorist detectives. Did you know Steve Ditko was a rabid objectivist? Yay! Objectivists believe in the superior heroic individual, the idea that you are right and everyone else is wrong. It's very emotionally fulfilling but doesn't leave much room for caring about other people.

Rorschach thus is supposed to be a satirical superhero. He's a crimefighter with no regard for the gray area of crimes and exists only in guilty or innocent, right or wrong. Black and white. Somehow he became the most popular Watchmen character, but really that's no accident. It's difficult to understand that the world comes in shades of gray and we might not always be right. It's comforting to have definitive answers to big complicated problems. For immature folks, particularly boys, that's an easy philosophy to fall behind. You don't need to care about anyone else - there is one truth and only you can find that out.

This slides in well with Rorschach's conspiracy theories, which in both Watchmen turn out to be true. As a general rule I don't believe in conspiracy theories. The worst theories, like Flat Earth or 9/11, have an overwhelming evidence to support what is generally believed to be true. The most intriguing theories, like the Kennedy Assassination cover-ups or George Soros just can't exist in a world of constant leaks.

Anyway, belief in conspiracies have become part of the Republican doctrine. There is always someone more powerful out there out to get you but only you know the truth and can save the rest of the world. It's bizarre how these things have all coalesced together. In HBO's Watchmen the natural progression of Rorschach is a more reactionary path, where the Seventh Kalvary discover his conspiracy is very much true and thus give his writings much credence. This deontological thinking natural extends to the black and white races and when only one can be good and one evil, the white Seventh Kalvary make the only choice that makes sense to them.

Mrs. America presents significant cognitive dissonance when choosing a political ideology. It centers around Phyllis Shlafly's attempt to block the Equal Rights Amendment from passing in the 1970s. Such an amendment to the U.S. Constitution would guarantee legal equality across the genders. Spoiler alert, we have no such amendment, but the show is more focused on the great irony that an extremely competent and charismatic housewife fought against this bill.

Here's another arbitrary political center piece that got caught up in ideology, misplaced by what either party thought was right. Conservatives fear change, they believe the woman's place is in the home and Mrs. America presents all sorts of slippery slope arguments as to what may happen when that supposed delicate balance is disturbed. It also presents how misogyny and racism make common bedfellows. On the progressive side, though, the women fighting for Equal Rights are presented as nearly all young Democrats, although some like Betty Friedan are older and have been fighting to exist as their own individual selves with autonomy over their bodies and rights for a long time.

Both sides have great difficulty unifying. There are enough big personalities at play that everyone wants their turn in the spotlight in addition to their common goals. The Democrats especially have an extreme range between the Black Panther sympathizing African-American contingent, the more moderate women who believe they need men to be their advocates, and the bra-burning hippies. Nothing is black and white here, despite the races involved. There is a wide spectrum and not all women fit into neat boxes of ideology. The most surprising aspect is how much a group of women in the show fight to remain complacent by their husbands' sides.

Okay, so by now you've probably spied some of my liberal sympathies. I honestly have trouble seeing both sides, but I do worry about the government overstepping its boundaries. It gets at that conspiracy thing. Have we let the fear of pandemic override our sensibilities towards liberty? Is a belief in the free market and personal freedom a truly liberal stance? Much of that comes down to simple trust in government, that they will relinquish power when the strife is over, they have our best interests at heart, and that they exist to protect the civil rights of the governed.

This becomes difficult because Republicans have crafted a narrative that has eroded this trust while simultaneously creating only one trustworthy figure - Trump. It's difficult to see strong belief in the leadership of anyone else. He rode to power on three tried and true methods: immigrant fear-mongering, goading conspiracy theories that make his downtrodden followers believe a secret truth exists that only they are privileged to know, and the constant women-hate that fuels conservative men and women alike. The leader of government constantly presents government as an intrusive, gun-stealing, mask-wearing, economy-busting demon that wants to infringe on liberty when it in fact exists to protect that liberty. In giving up free thought and common sense to a demagogue, though, his followers have crafted an unassailable central authority to rule them. What is the cost of socialist protection? At the end of the day is it any different than a war-mongering dictator? Rule of one or rule of many?

A lot of conservatism comes down to simply not caring about other people and focusing on the individual. Liberalism seems to believe that other people have feelings and needs that exist outside of your own. That's mostly at the heart of both ideologies. When conservatives are doing well, there is a natural thought of "Why can't other people do well, too? It's their fault." In recent memory this has morphed and morphed and affected one big genre: comedy.

At first you might think that of course comedy leans liberal, SNL, The Daily Show, and comics are generally thought of as extremely liberal. That's all punching up (mostly) at institutions for their own hypocrisy. But I have been watching a lot of old comedy as well, and it strikes me how much we think "Oh, you could never say that today!" It's also bizarre to me that many 90s comedians like Kelsey Grammar, Tim Allen, Adam Sandler, and Norm MacDonald lean conservative, or are out and out Republican. Comedy is difficult when you have to care about who you are insulting. For the record, I love all four of these guys. But there is a significant amount of "Oh, why aren't things the way they used to be?" feeling out of all of them and more. Even Jerry Seinfeld gets into a little bit of this and who knows why, he's like the cleanest comedian ever.

I have seen this objectivist stance bleed into pop culture more than even liberals and especially conservatives would like to admit. It's not only that Rorschach, despite Alan Moore's intentions, becomes the hero of Watchmen. You can see it everywhere. Batman succeeds in the Christopher Nolan films by superseding the rule of law through private enterprise. Tony Stark does the same. The government is incompetent and dangerous in Marvel films, literally full of secret Nazis.

The age old tale of one lone man, usually white, fighting against a shadowy corporation or hostile nation is a very old story, but one that remains extremely popular in contemporary cinema. I talked last summer about how the Old White Man Fights for his Family trope is a HUGE thing over the last few years. But there was one film that got me really thinking about this, which I saw the other day. Don't ask me why I watched it, but for the first time I caught Michael Bay's The Island.

I don't blame you if you've never seen it, it's really not great, but it is truly a conservative thinkpiece. Ewen McGregor and Scarlett Johannson have an apparently idyllic life in a post-apocalyptic socialist paradise where all food and housing is provided, the central authority monitors food intake and personal health, and everyone wears the same thing and works the same job. Little do they know that they are all actually just living organ donor clones for their wealthy counterparts in the real world.

From there it's a conservative checklist. There is a grand conspiracy. There is one man who knows the truth and is able to break free and release his world from the socialist nightmare. Scarlett Johannson is there as lip service to strong women but actually exists as a trophy without agency. It's a fascinating dive. The latter half of the movie is largely one big chase scene and it does buck the typical Michael Bay trend in that the military is the bad guy, although to be fair, they seem to be duped by the big bad socialist commander of the "utopia" created to supplicate the clone organ donors.

In the hands of another director The Island could have been memorable cinema and people may have read into it deep enough to understand its conservative propaganda. But at its bones is the fact that this is basic story structure. Not every movie is like this, of course, plenty end with an individual learning to work in a team, or to break away on a secular journey to find new adventures in the world. But that savior, individual breaking away from the constraints of a homogeneous society reeks of objectivist privilege. I look at 1999 as the year where every movie was like this - The Matrix, Fight ClubAmerican Beauty, even Office Space. And yeah, I'm bleeding blue, but I'm not in favor of this kind of restrictive society. The key liberal cornerstone has always been individual civil liberties. Conservative media tends to bypass this though, when imaging the liberal fantasy society where the government controls every aspect of our lives.

That was a long rant but it had been building up for quite a while. I typically avoid politics here, but this is just honestly how I see things. I would be very curious about your viewpoints and if I'm way off base. What do you think about any of this? Support your local food bank. Here's General Grant.

Ain't no corona in whiskey!

31 December 2019

2019 FINISHED! These Movies Were So Bad!

As we wrap up another year it's time to end on an awful note. Or...AWESOME note! We've talked at length about our Favourite Films of 2019, and the best films we saw this year, but it's time to talk about the flat-out worst films we saw. Let's go by year and by all-time that we just happened to watch this year.

Exposed (2016)

I watched this because it starred Keanu Reeves and Ana de Armas, the former of which is an obvious all-time favourite actor, and the latter is a rising star who I've enjoyed in everything so far (including the recently awesome Knives Out [2019]). Plus they were both in Knock Knock (2015). Okay, they're sexy. They're just really hot. Is that what you want to hear? This movie was so boring and forgettable I literally added it to my Netflix Queue again three months after seeing it because of all those reasons above. Like, I still wanted to watch it. Completely forgot that I had already. This was terrible.

Polar (2018)

Mads Mikkelson is pretty awesome and this was on Netflix, so whatever - cool! Problematic is the kindest way to describe the plot of this film, which seems to try to be a Liam Neeson-esque protective revenge fantasy, but bungles every possible scene. Nothing makes sense, and although it seems at first like it isn't taking itself seriously, all the style and pizzazz are empty. It actually makes me appreciate someone like Quentin Tarantino a lot more - his clones fall on their face.

The Other Side of the Wind (2018)

I dig Orson Welles, especially late Orson Welles when he was just impossibly fat and crazy. I've modeled much of my life on him. I watched the documentary, They'll Love Me When I'm Dead (2018) and got excited about this possible lost, unfinished film by Welles. It was to be his last masterpiece, one that could change film forever, again! I hope to chalk this up as a whiff because Welles died thirty years ago, but this incomprehensible mess that works best if you know all the intimate relationships of all the actors (well, mostly directors who are acting) involved in the 1970s. There is a sincere meta quality here that may have worked out, but it's such a mess. Somehow it needed another thirty years in editing.

Europa Report (2013)

This sci-fi film had just been in my streaming queue forever. I don't know why, maybe I just liked the title and thumbnail. This should be deleted from all streaming queues. It turned out to be a found footage film, which just didn't work in the scope of space. It's all a building mystery and then at the end it's just like, a monster that eats people. It's so deflating. It pretends to deal with some deep cosmic horror but it's just like a squid. And yeah, I spoiled it for you without warning. This was on purpose. There are some interesting actors here, but don't bother with this one.

6 Underground (2019)

So by default the worst film in 2019 that I saw, this was just a huge disappointment. Why can't anyone figure out the right tone for Ryan Reynolds? They make him too dangerous to be playful and Bay, while he's always reliable for getting a great action shot and usually does better with a smaller budget (yes, believe me), can't wrap his head around this plot. Despite an incredibly charismatic cast this just stumbles not out of implausibility (I mean, that's a given here), but from tone and what the film wants to be. It's a mess.

There were others that you might be surprised about. I loved CATS (2019) despite it being objectively terrible, but that's kind of the point. There were a lot of other pretty bad ones. In the Army Now (1994), 47 Ronin (2013, yes I really tried a lot of Keanu this year), Jupiter Ascending (2015), and Hellboy (2019) are all good candidates. None of these, however, made me as angry as what you see above. Happy 2020!!

22 December 2019

2019 Stuff We Looked Forward to...in REVIEW!

Last January I made the bold prediction that "2019 will be the greatest year for movies in the 10,000 history of humanity" You had better believe that I was 100,000% right! That's the deal we make here at Norwegian Morning Wood. 100,000 percent right for 10,000 years. Anyway, most of these films actually turned out to be not that bad. So, let's dive in with what we predicted might not suck in 2019:

Like this face, 2019 was a MYYYYSSSTERY!!!

Godzilla: King of the Monsters
- 05/19

Verdict: GREAT! This movie was amazing and I loved every single second of it. This ultimately wasn't all that impactful and it's a miracle they will move forward with Godzilla vs. Kong (2020), but I was at least super into this. Full review here.

Avengers: Endgame - 04/26

Verdict: GREAT! Delivered on just about everything it could have and successfully capped off the first eleven years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Well worth the wait and extremely satisfying. Full review here.

Detective Pikachu - 05/19

Verdict: OKAY! It was still a really bizarre way to introduce live action Pokemon to a mainstream audience and Ryan Reynolds was definitely miscast, but there were plenty of fun moments and nice to see some favorite on the screen.

Spider-Man: Far From Home - 07/05

Verdict: GOOD! I like this a lot, probably more than Homecoming (2017). It grounds itself in characters really well and Tom Holland is incredibly likable as Peter Parker. The weight of Tony Stark weighs a little heavy, to the point where Spider-Man is starting to feel like an Iron Man spin-off and I wish he had his own identity a little more. Still, in the big spectrum of MCU films, this is in the Top Third.

Joker - 10/04

Verdict: OKAY! I didn't end up seeing this and although it has earned an extreme amount of both critical and commercial acclaim it seems like it's dropped at a tough time for its subject matter politically. OR depending on your point of view, an excellent time. I'm reserving judgment on how much it glorifies vs. satirizes its male subject matter, but I'd say it was at least a strong cultural force that ought to have some big waves in blockbuster filmmaking.

Ad Astra - 05/24

Verdict: PROBABLY PRETTY GOOD! I also didn't see this, but heard good things. I would like to because I think it has earned deserved praise, but it also seems to have been forgotten rather quickly.

Six Underground - Sometime

Verdict: BAG OF TRASH! This was probably one of the worst movies of the year. I could have likely seen this coming. For some reason Ryan Reynolds is straight up only good as Deadpool. And in Adventureland (2009) and Just Friends (2005).

Knives Out - 11/27

Verdict: FANTASTIC! One of the best movies of the year, original, encapsulating, fun, mysterious, and a dream cast. Just great. Full review here.

The Lighthouse - Someday

Verdict: GREAT! Okay, I didn't see it. But I want to and it looks great. Reviews have been stellar. It's not going to light the world on fire, but it seems like my jam.

Uncut Gems - Whenever

Verdict: GREAT! I also didn't see this. Yet. I might when it gets a wider release. But by all accounts Sandler is huge, the movie is great, Kevin Garnett for some reason. This seems to have delivered on its January 2019 promise.

I also had a long list of possibly good movies. Let's go through them just as fast:

Rocketman - Okay
Ford vs Ferrari - Pretty good
Boss Level - This did not happen
Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood - I didn't like it, but successful
SHAZAM! - Pretty good
Hobbes and Shaw - Okay
Velvet Buzzsaw - This ended up being okay, a little letdown
Brightburn - Not that great
Cold Pursuit - Greatest movie ever
Us - Amazingly fantastic

What did you think about 2019 movies? Did they deliver on your hype?!

16 January 2019

2019 Will Be Better!

You heard it here, first, folks! The year 2019 will be the greatest year for movies in the 10,000 history of humanity. You'll be grateful that Norwegian Morning Wood broke this story first! Last year we actually weren't too bad in our looking ahead predictions. Chances are pretty high that this will be the exact End of Year List we go through next December. Let's begin:

Godzilla: King of the Monsters - 05/19



This may seem weird. Godzilla (2014) was kinda shitty for the first 90 minutes but delivered a satisfying ending fight. I didn't even see Kong: Skull Island (2017) but it apparently wasn't total shit. That's something I guess. I'm still a fan of the Big G, though, and a film that promises Rodan, Mothra, and the biggest bastard of them all, King Ghidorah in fully realized glory all directed by Michael Dougherty of Trick R Treat (2007) and Krampus (2015) fame sounds good on paper. Even though Toho knocked anything American Godzilla can do out of the par with Shin Godzilla (2016), this should give us a good dose of monsters, fire breath, and hurricane wing winds. Or it'll just blow all its goodwill like Gareth Edwards' take.

Avengers: Endgame - 04/26



Infinity War was the culmination of a lot of threads building up to the ultimate battle against a Universal threat. Then Thanos won and everybody died. Endgame promises a lot, but will it deliver a lame cop out or some true pathos for these characters? The trailer pretends we're not just going to go back in time via Ant-Man and the Quantum Realm and change everything. Still - THIS, I promise, THIS ONE will be the last one, I swear. At any rate, it's a momentous shift from the past ten years of Marvel Superhero films (totally this one and not another one ten years from now), and we just gotta see how this ends. Again.

Detective Pikachu - 05/19



What the hell is this? How is the first live action Pokemon movie a thoroughly American affair starring Ryan Reynolds? Based on the Detective Pikachu offshoot brand of all things. Where's my Pokemon Snap movie?! The trailer had charm, nostalgia, wit, mystery, and a whole lot of really weird and creepy furry shenanigans to pique my interest. Sure it's based on a previous property, but it looks bold in a way other retreads don't. Could this become the greatest video game movie of all time?

Spider-Man: Far From Home - 07/05



If you know anything about me by now, it's that I like my superhero movies real, real weird. Jake Gyllenhaal as Mysterio fits that bill and that's a major reason to be excited for this. We got a trailer just under the wire, and we can already deduce a few things - like, are the elemental monsters attacking London all a ruse or do we really get Hydro-Man and Molten Man in the mix? I just hope we can get something like this or this, or hell, even Mysterio created Old Man Logan. Mysterio is the shit and totally bonkers. His powers are so limited - he's just a special effects artist...but generally that's enough leeway to make him the most powerful villain of all time.

Joker - 10/04

This anti-hero movie is in the same slot as Venom (2018) was this year - and although that movie was fairly dumb, it was still a nice little side adventure through brain eating and lethal protection. Joker is good enough to attract Joaquin Phoenix to work for Todd Phillips alongside Robert DeNiro and Zazie Beetz for some reason. This is the age we're at now - where we get the giant bombastic superhero movies, but they're also just our psychotic character dramas and dark comedies now, too. Whatever it takes. Phillips always walks that weird dark edge, and Joaquin is amazing, so hopes are high. This is in addition to the fact that every non-Jared Leto Joker has been instantly iconic.

Ad Astra - 05/24

This is like Interstellar (2014) but with Brad Pitt and Tommy Lee Jones, directed by James Gray, who has given us many long, contemplative films, most recently Lost City of Z (2016), which is totally underrated. We don't know too much more about this other than it has something to do with finding Tommy Lee Jones in space across some long journey. We're down.

Six Underground - Sometime

This is a $150 million Michael Bay Netflix movie starring Ryan Reynolds written by the dudes who made Deadpool (2016). This is the biggest no brainer of all time. Despite spending most of his time churning out Transformers movies that have all gotten worse with time, Bay did gift us with Pain & Gain (2013) which showed that his whip-fast, heavy cut, in-your-face style can actually be extremely effective with the right source material. Plus it's Netflix - total no brainer watch.

Knives Out - 11/27

Moving on from blockbusters, this is some kind of Daniel Craig murder mystery by Rian Johnson. Listen, The Last Jedi (2017) gets better every time I watch it, and I'm excited with what he can do with a smaller story. There's not a ton of info yet about this, and to be honest, a who-dunnit is either contrived or gives itself away too early, but Johnson can dig into these tropes and give us something interesting. I hope.

The Lighthouse - Someday

In 2016 Robert Eggers gave us The Witch, and this is his follow-up - some kind of monster maritime thing starring Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson. We know it's a black and white horror fantasy of some kind, which seems right up Eggers' alley. The Witch is endlessly rewarding and Eggers is an incredible visual filmmaker who is also pretty proud of brutally murdering babies in his first scene. Sea Monsters are in these days.

Uncut Gems - Whenever

Speaking of Rober Pattinson, the Safdie Brothers were last seen behind Good Time (2017) but this time nabbed Adam Sandler, LaKeith Stanfield, and Idina Menzel for some reason. This is a "what the hell" kind of stunt casting, but I was really into their style in Good Time. Sandler has moments of brilliance whenever he's not in an Adam Sandler movie and this is some kind of diamond crime drama movie. Maybe he's a crusty jewel thief? Whatever, we'll see it.

Other Movies That Might Not Suck:

Rocketman - To me, Bohemian Rhapsody didn't go nearly gay enough. Hopefully the Elton John version can correct that.
Ford vs Ferrari - James Mangold does a car rivalry film
Boss Level - the beginning of the long and storied acting career of Rob Gronkowski
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - I don't think Tarantino is totally washed of his Weinstein association, and the Manson connection here seems exploitative, but this movie will probably be very good.
SHAZAM! - DC is finally getting fun and weird
Hobbes and Shaw - the only two great remaining parts of the Fast and Furious franchise
Velvet Buzzsaw - This also just got a trailer and it's weird as hell. I love how Jake Gyllenhaal has gone crazy.
Brightburn - what if Superman was evil. Or more like, what if he just was Superman - we couldn't handle that shit. This should poke holes in all of Man of Steel (2013)'s pretensions.
Cold Pursuit - what the fuck is the tone of this trailer going for? This will always be known as the Liam Neeson snowplow movie.
Us - this looks nuts. Lupita, Peele, and M'Baku are a good combination.

There are some other big films that we've ignored here. If I were to get real, Captain Marvel looks okay in the sense that I'll definitely catch up with it on Netflix in a few months, but I don't see it elevating above Doctor Strange (2016) good but not great levels. We're also getting a ton of Disney live action sequels that I could totally care less about (somehow Dumbo, Aladdin, AND The Lion King). There are also high profile Disney Animated films Toy Story 4 and Frozen 2, that I don't really think can improve on the perfect of their previous installments.

Hmm. These were all Disney movies. The studio is either going to have an amazing year or a terrible one. With Mary Poppins Returns (2018) sinking I wonder if the studio that could do no wrong will turn a corner. Then again, they've had at least as many high profile flops, from John Carter (2012) to Pete's Dragon (2016) to A Wrinkle in Time (2018) over the past few years. We'll see.

What are you hyped for?

26 March 2017

Transformers: The Last Knight, Bastion of Feminism

We need to discuss some trailers again. Normally we'd wait until the actual release date of these films to rip apart their cultural standing, and I've never been one to really care about hype or news, but there seems to be a weird gap here we need to discuss. While most of the Internet points their eyes towards Justice League (2017), which I could give or take (although this is clearly the Year of Jason Mamoa), there is another prominent trailer out there that is mystifying to me. That of course is Transformers: The Last Knight (2017):



This blog's history with Michael Bay's Transformers franchise is long and storied. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) was the first film ever reviewed here, which is all kinds of insane. Needless to say, there is a strong love-hate relationship there. Each of these films are unambiguously awful, but Bay really does bad cinema better than any other terrible director out there. I'd watch Bay over Emmerich, Cohen, McG, Ratner, or even a Burton at this point. There's something about his complete lack of shame, confidence in his own terrible work, and of course, an uncanny eye for rhythm and momentum that makes his horrible pieces of art stand out slightly over his contemporaries.

For some reason, Transformers has taken up the greater part of the last ten years of Michael Bay's life. It's perhaps an indication of the atrocious quality of his films that he's actually cranked out seven films in the past ten years, five of which are Transformers, the others being Pain & Gain (2013) and 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (2016). Despite these "small" films, he's more preoccupied with the $200 million+ budgeted tentpoles, which have by now gotten comfortable with crossing the billion dollar mark worldwide, even if Age of Extinction (2014) had a relatively colder reception stateside.

It would seem then, that the momentum of this franchise has been depleted. Have crowds finally gotten over this mindless clanging of guns and metal? While it had a slew of ridiculous problems, Age of Extinction did finally introduce Galvatron and Dinobots, which are huge items to check off in Transformers lore. In fact, I still think that the general evil copying plot informed Logan (2017) a great deal. Chew on that.

I have always appreciated this franchise's ability to create each of its entries individually, without much continuity in between. Every film is a stand-alone story, which would seem to fly in the face of modern blockbuster theory, which places greater emphasis on inter-connectivity and shared universes. Well, ultimately people don't actually care about that - they care about being entertained at the cinema. These movies have largely been pretty damn entertaining. Each one introduces a new thing, and that's been cool. We really need some Unicron, which is the last big absence, but maybe that's what Transformers 6 (2018) and Transformers 7 (2019) are for. Oh who knows.

But let's get into this trailer, because that's what you're all here for. What the hell is this shit. This is like half-trailer / half-inspirational Nike commercial. The underlying message is a positive, if not cliched feminist mantra and it's pretty cool. This is from the franchise that gave us this shot, right? The one that has only hot chicks, especially the three women in Age of Extinction (Mark Wahlberg's hot daughter, the hot scientist who has no purpose, and the hot Chinese actress meant to increase Chinese ticket sales). Maybe Transformers will turn itself around and become this great girl power franchise. That's awesome. But I'm pretty suspicious. Again, Bay is terrible. He's the best at being terrible, but still terrible, especially when exploring male gaze on film.

And what is this talking to the camera thing? It's kind of novel, but just feels misplaced. I don't know what's going on this movie. A bunch of kids up to no good while palling around with Mark Wahlberg? Maybe that will be awesome, actually. For now I'm mystified. We don't have any great piece of lore to be pumped up seeing on screen. We do have Optimus Prime going rogue, though, which will follow in Dom Toretto's upcoming evil footsteps in The Fate of the Furious (2017). I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Why isn't anyone else talking about this? Is it just that I'm such a devotee to these awful franchises that I'm the only one who puts a critical lens to this insanity? Likely so.

Anyway, I'm cheering for The Last Knight. Hopefully it'll turn out cool. I think the soft reboot is genius in that it gets away from the continuity requirements in modern blockbusters and just kind of makes its own movie. And Hot Rod! We get Hot Rod, I guess. And Megatron is back, even if pure Galvatron is one of the greatest 80s cartoon villains ever, both in Transformers: The Movie (1986) and how progressively more insane he became on the television show.

There's a lot of other notable trailers out there, both that we've seen and that we're lacking. Do you kind of feel like Disney just decided they can probably save a few million dollars in marketing by just relying on their own supreme word of mouth at this point? We haven't seen dickhole from Thor: Ragnarok (2017) or Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017). How will The Last Knight do against The Last Jedi? See, Transformers is everything.

Keep it real and fight like a girl. Buy Nike.

15 July 2014

First Impressions: Transfourmers: The Age of Extinction

I spent far too long debating how to exactly tackle these impressions. Is it masochism that I voluntarily immerse myself in the Michael Bay Transformers world of insane stupid blockbuster filmmaking while being pretty fully aware of its ill effects on my artistic integrity and pop culture psyche? It's a tricky line to draw. I'm hesitant to write it off as a "popcorn movie" or "summer fun" where our brains should be turned off, because our brains should never really be turned off while trying to understand the merits of any film. I'm also well aware, however, that in any review you can't treat this like a studio prestige picture. I figure that the best way to judge Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) is whether or not it's successful in being the film it's trying to be. Really that should be how we judge all films - is it able to accomplish what it intended? There are plenty of mindless summer action films that fail in this regard (Roland Emmerich always seems to me like he's trying and coming up short of being Michael Bay). There are also dumb popcorn movies that have no idea what they're tying to be (something like Hancock [2008] comes to mind), and those too, are generally disappointing experiences.
Ha! You got hit in yo chest!

But for all the criticism that Bay takes, and perhaps this is why he doesn't really care about it at all, his films are always exactly what they want to be. Maybe not Pearl Harbor (2001). That one could never decide if it wanted to be an historical epic, an explosive action movie, or a cheesy love story. Every Transformers film, though, has a very definitive brand, intention, and execution. Now, if you've escaped the Transformers brand so far, somehow, you may be in for a rude awakening. Age of Extinction is really what you'd expect from this loud, crazy franchise. Even though it's supposedly a "soft reboot" (whatever the hell that is), it's still totally a Transformers film, which means you can't really be on the fence about it. You either dig it or hate it at this point, and you know how you feel. Or you hate it but watch it anyway, then complain that Hollywood keeps making these movies while you're giving them money. Either way, your mind should already be made up - you know what to expect going in to this.

All of this is a preference to say that I liked this movie and it does a nice job of elevating itself even a little bit above the first trilogy (words I never really thought I'd type, for sure), and it absolutely knows what it's trying to be. There is plenty of criticise, of course, but honestly, criticising these movies is like criticising a dog. You can bitch all you want but it's just going to stare blankly for a while and then continue licking its balls. It's just futile. So let's get our bitching out of the way.

One big lesson that Bay learned from Spielberg (yes, that Spielberg) is how to keep the story flowing to feed an emotional response at the expense of logic. This is sometimes slight, depending on the skill of the director. For instance, you don't really notice that suddenly Alan Grant and the kids are climbing down a sheer cliff in the Tyrannosaur pen until the fourth for fifth viewing of Jurassic Park (1993). It's a gap in logic that serves the story beat needs of the story. This is all that Bay does as well, except it's continually insane enough to bring viewers out of the film instead of being alluring enough to keep their attention so distracted that no one really complains. This is probably where most of my criticism comes from. From here on out folks, even though if you wanted to see this movie, you probably have by now, SPOILERS will lurk in the mist.

There are just too many elements of this film that serve nothing but plot. It really fucks with character. Like, apparently KSI's Director of Chinese Operations just a crazy kung fu artist and former cop when the time needs her to defend Stanley Tucci. Same deal with the random Chinese guy in the elevator in Hong Kong. Now I would be curious to see the Chinese cut of the film, which apparently featured more extensive scenes with the Chinese actors (which in itself, is a brilliant move on every level), but these people appear out of no where for no real reason.

There's so much of this. This kind of movie, it's just too stupid to try to list every inconsistency. Optimus Prime sprouts jets in his feet for the ending scene and blasts off into space which...he could apparently have done this entire time. He scans another Peterbilt and instantly heals himself after so much of the early parts of the film deal with him being a rustbucket. KSI's matter shifting technology, I mean, whatever, that's weird but shouldn't their robots need a power source to function? And why are there like three versions of the evil KSI Transformer Stinger? It's still a great twist on "Bumblebee" - not the cute friendly bee, but the dangerous part! - but it's just inconsistent and unexplained. But it's also too cumbersome too explain, which is just all around horrendous.

I love why Darcy exists. She gets this badass introduction in the frozen wasteland, but then fades into the background as a woman for every other character to dump exposition on. And she actually seemed like an interesting female Bay character, briefly. I also dug Kelsey Grammer's character, because as is often the case in movies like this, he's completely reasonable and doing his job really well. The Transformers are causing so much destruction on earth and really should be dealt with with prejudice, but he's just painted as this terrible villain. Stanley Tucci starts off this way but is then actually granted one of the more interesting arcs in the film. And of course, Mark Wahlberg - this was the part he was born to play! Equal parts sincerity and insanity, he's a spectacularly deadpan genius robotics inventor with huge biceps. Michael Bay has been waiting twenty years for this. But all his characters' efforts to save the world isn't going to pay his bills or get his house back. He's still kind of screwed.

He does have more to do than any other
human in this stupid franchise.

I like sequels that sometimes deal with that, actually - that heroes always get screwed. Ghostbusters II (1989) reduced its eponymous heroes to birthday party entertainers, and even Sam Witwicky, especially in Dark of the Moon (2011) is really frustrated by his lack of stature he ought to have received from starring in two world-saving adventures. I'm curious where Mark Wahlberg's adventure takes him, because the film does such a good job of demonstrating how every part of his life sucks, but then the narrative doesn't really solve any of his problems.

And they pulled the voice of John Goodman somehow! Hell, his Hound character really livened things up even if the rest of the Autobots are inexplicably racist or just angry at life for no reason. But at least we get to know these characters, which no Transformers film has really pulled off since introducing everyone with proper articulation in the first film. In every otehr film there's just like, random Ferraris and Chevy Volts. But why does Hound kill those things in Lockdown's ship? And what ARE those things? These questions will never be answered.

Finally, let's talk Lockdown. He's actually a pretty cool villain, and I love when he fights Wahlberg (who somehow deflects against a direct blow by the twenty-foot robot with only an alien gun to brace himself with). But why did any of the protagonists care that Lockdown was going to get the seed with his magnet-o-ship? Didn't he have like 14 of them? It's as if they all forgot the motivations of each villain for a second.

Speaking of that - Galvatron! Finally! It's good that they worked Megatron in, and this is how you do it - there's so much precedence for this transformation, although in spirit he seems more like Nemesis Prime, this evil version of Optimus. But he has no soul! Oh no! I love this movie. There's actually this interesting undercurrent of commentary here on like, the nature of the homunculus or the nature of souls. It's even got this Prometheus (2012)-like vibe of understanding both the responsibilities of creating life and the origins of one's own creation. This is especially true of the ending which features Optimus flying off to find his creators, presumably the Quintessons or even Unicron in a future installment (obviously to be played by the GHOST OF ORSON WELLES). I wouldn't be surprised if he passes Naomi Rapace and Michael Fassbender's head in space, though.

In addition to this possibly interesting discussion of the nature of souls and creation, some out there in Internetland have posited that the film is actually this meta-commentary on filmmaking and criticism or at least a reaction to the outrageousness inherent to modern blockbuster filmmaking. I'm not so sure to go that far, but there's certainly some self-awareness of the stupidness of this whole thing, and how the Transformers themselves are the doom of all the earth. There are scenes that feature Mark Wahlberg chastising the younger dude in the action hero mold for fooling around with his 17-year old daughter, which is not entirely all that different from our fascination with a young Megan Fox in Transformers (2007).

Speaking of that that action dude role - Shane Dyson (played with apathy by Jack Reynor. Yes, I had to look that up) is nearly identical to Cade Yeager (every film needs names like this now), but for his cowardice and actual inability to save his daughter Tessa Yeager (Nicola Peltz). Tessa actually more than anyone else is self-reliant, independent, and capable of saving her father and boyfriend. She's also one of the only reasonable characters in the film, and only really breaks down when they have to climb those insane cables over the city of Chicago, but who wouldn't be?

I'm curious if there is something here with the film's treatment of the Rally Car Driver, Shane. He's totally generic in that Charlie Hunnam / Taylor Kitsch / Garret Hedlund / Luke Evans (jeez there's a lot of them, eh?) variety of random scruffy white guy thrown in big blockbusters. Yet he's totally emasculated, irrelevant, and forgotten about. This film also kills off its comic relief, TJ Miller real REAL quick, which provides some startling stakes early on.

The humans in general are what elevates this film above some of the earlier Transformers pictures. There's no doofy scenes of Shia LaBeouf and his parents running around being silly on pot brownies or cringe-worthy moments like "This is so much better than Armageddon!" or positions under the enemy scrotum. It's all a bit more interesting, serious, and less cartoony, although to be fair, they're still all doing ridiculous things that keep it firmly grounded in the ridiculous.

Yeah, what the fuck was all that Knight stuff?

The action is also crisper and clearer than ever. Trust me, this is true in comparison to the first trilogy. Like I said earlier, little things like limiting the Autobots and Decepticons, introducing them, and giving them all personalities, even if they are stereotypes or racists, goes so far. And the Dinobots. Holy shit, those Dinobots. Their existence makes no sense, even within the context of the film, but none of that matters, because they are spectacularly awesome and get more screentime than Godzilla did earlier this summer. My only gripe is that they have really cool robot modes too that we barely see, but would be so cool in action.

Another thing that's really noticeable here is the product placement. Films can get away with this if it's subtle, but this is getting to Mac and Me (1988) levels. It's great to see Stanley Tucci instantly create Beats audio boxes out of random matter or to see Mark Wahlberg aggressive chug Budweiser aluminum bottles that spill all over the city. It's all insane, but really par for the course in this film.

The "soft" reboot concept is delightful, by the way. It's almost Skyfall (2012)-like in how by the film's end things are basically where they need to be to line up with the main Transformers Universe and to get things rolling on the fifth film. There's a lot of interesting things going on within and around the noise and stupidity of Age of Extinction, but similar to Bay's Pain & Gain (2013) I'm really not sure if it was intentional satire or Bay just being a douchebag. It really doesn't matter. You're going to get out of this thing whatever you want, and whether that's the epitome of big dumb blockbusters or a keen commentary on big dumb blockbusters will probably depend on how inquisitive your mind is and how well you can argue.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is beginning to get slaughtered by Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) so see it in theaters soon. What do you think? Does any of this have merit or should we refrain from intelligent criticism at all? Leave a comment below!

02 January 2014

Looking Back on Looking Forward: The Final Critical Look at 2013's Most Anticipated Cultural Events

Two-Thousand and Thirteen brought us many things, and a year ago today we were highly anticipating a whole smorgasbord of great movies and television. While some of these turned out pretty great, many more were a big let down, but more than anything, our Big 2013 Moments were really full of meh. As we look back on looking forward today, let us remember how everything was kind of good.

#13: Oz the Great and Powerful (03/08)

We should know better. This looked pretty okay, and it turned out...pretty okay. It's not an aggravatingly stupid blockbuster (see: Jack the Giant Slayer [2013]), but it really didn't knock it out of the park either. It certainly looked pretty and had some pretty cool moments, especially its ending, which was real solid. Other than that this ain't reviving Oz. Or Sam Raimi's cultural adoration.

#12: Warm Bodies (02/01)

I was pleasantly surprised by this take on the ever growing star-crossed monster horror romantic comedy genre. Rob Corddry offers an unexpectedly good supporting turn here, and the film made us sympathize with zombies like we never believed we could. I'm not sure if we'll be talking about this ten years down the line, but for now, I'm happy with the call.

#11: Pain & Gain (04/26)

Michael Bay's best ever movie, a dark action comedy that scews real dark and cray all the time. Mark and the Rock have never been more ripped while the film actually rips apart expectations towards conquering the American dream and the true meaning of fitness. You need to be a little touched in the head to really enjoy this thing, but if you're on board, it's a trip.

#10: Star Trek into Darkness (05/17)

Here's our first major disappointment. See, there's really two movies here. The first is an intriguing, mysterious set-up with political undertones and unspeakable violence. The second is an inverse re-make of Wrath of Khan (1982) with softer balls and tons of uncomfortable 9/11 imagery. It's not great. Here and there this film found the energy of Abrams' first Star Trek (2009) that made the geekiest sci-fi franchise cool again (or for the first time?), but this is just another mindless tentpole begging for its scraps.

#9: Iron Man 3 (05/03)

Superhero villains forever upended in a film that's way more fun than it deserves to be. Every problem here stems from its forced collusion with The Avengers (2012), which points more to the fault of giant self-sustaining immortal franchises than anything in Shane Black's writing. Everything original here (yes in a threequel. Yes, using every technique Shane Black used 25 years ago) works and breathes some life into what could have been a damned stale Marvel cookie cutter film. Now if only Stark's fully articulated character arc could stick through The Avengers 2: Age of Who Cares (2015).

#8: The Wolverine (07/24)

When your last film is X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009), there's not much room to go besides up. The second solo James Howlett flick ditched just about everything comfortable, including familiar characters, actors, and settings, and set out to tell a bold story from the Wolverine canon, essentially showing where these superhero films can go when there's a lot less pressure to be big and dominating. There were some problems with plot, acting, and just about everything else, but I dig the ground uncovered. More please.

#7: The Return of Community (02/07)

Here's an incredible let down. The Fourth "Gas Leak" season of Community was tepid at best, with a continual effort to try way to hard that feel short just about every damn time. It was nigh unbearable to suffer through the mangled tone from a Harmon-less world that couldn't find its footing between heartfelt, hilarious, and sappy. Season 5 actually premiered this evening, and delivered two episodes better than this whole sorry lot.

#6: Elysium (08/09)

With some pretty high hopes Blomkampt and Damon delivered a pretty fun late summer flick, even if its political subtext was pushed a little too heavy for it to be as subversive as District 9 (2009). Sharlto Copley probably delivered the villain of the year, but in general, we forgot about this film as soon as September hit. Actually, I totally forgot to place that facial reconstruction scene on our scenes of the year list. That's exactly what I'm talking about - a generally mediocre film overshadowed its variable really cool moments.

#5: Pacific Rim (07/12)

Here we saw some promises finally delivered. There were actually a good amount of big original movies this summer, although conceptually, many were pretty derivative of what's come before (Oblivion [2013] and Elysium may be the biggest offenders). Pacific Rim was more an entry into the underdone Kaiju genre than a total rip-off, even if it was full of clever homages. It was probably the funnest damn blockbuster of the whole year, even if Charlie Hunnam may join Taylor Kitsch and Garrett Hedlund as horrible stereotypical angsty white protagonists that I do not care about ever seeing in a movie again.

#4: The World's End (10/25)

And we even got it early - The World's End was so worth a very long wait after Hot Fuzz (2007) and blew our pretty high expectations out of the water. It was original, culturally significant, witty, engaging, and hilarious - the perfect late summer comedy riff. Anticipation delivered.

#3: This is The End (06/14)

I don't actually think we'll have an issue differentiating these two end-of-the-world comedies, because both were so good yet so different. The is The End reached the highest peaks of meta-comedy with humour as block as the demon cock that rapes Jonah Hill. Just picture him in The Wolf of Wall Street (2013), he deserved it. I'm not sure I've ever laughed so hard in a movie theater, although I may have been the only one. Consistently rude, insane, and full of obscure Pineapple Express (2008) references, this was a perfect film for niche Apatow fans and a damn confident directorial debut from writing partners Rogen and Evan Goldberg.

#2: Anchorman: The Legend Continues (12/20)

I was never sure what to really expect out of this one. What they ended up churning out was this extremely silly but politically poignant 2013 answer to Network (1976), with more ridiculous cameos than any movie will ever have ever. Everything clicked, even the stuff that didn't quite work, and without a whiff of caring about the hype, this one knocked it out.

#1: The Hangover Part III (05/24)

I feel pretty ashamed that I listed this as #1. It was pretty torrid, all things considered, largely because they attempted the same basic formula without the well-used pretense. It makes sense that the best scenes in this flick were the shoudy Chang opening and the re-hash wedding credits aftermath scene. Debauchery is all this is good for, and in a year where so many other black comedies got it right (in addition to Pain & Gain and This is The End, see the aforementioned Wolf of Wall Street. Or even You're Next [2013]), it's even more pathetic that this got it so wrong.

Stay tuned for what we're looking at in 2014! Onward, Commander!

30 December 2013

The Way We Were: The Flicks of 2013

If you're on the Internet this time of year looking at movie sites, no doubt you've come across one or two "Best Of" lists. I struggle with this concept each year, because it's tough to define what really makes a great movie. Is the best movie of the year the one that made me reflect the most about myself? Was it the most fun I had at the theater? Or is it the film that accomplishes the greatest technical achievements?

My general rationale regarding what makes a movie great is its cultural staying power - which is impossible to measure in a year anyway. Even though back in the day There Will Be Blood (2007) probably got the most cultural cache, and No Country for Old Men (2007) got all the awards, who knew that in December 2013 we'd be talking the most about The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)? Does this make it the best of the three aforementioned slow moving westerns released in 2007? No, but there's never any telling with these things. It's all subjective and bonkers.

For these reasons, I've split up my favourite films of the year into three big divisions, because I'm going to the movies to get different things out of each. First we have the Blockbusters, where I'm looking at who did and did not succeed at the big spectacle (and sometimes I enjoyed the "failures" much more than the "successes"), who surprised me, and what I thought was genuinely interesting. Let's begin, counting down from no particular set number:

Blockbuster Division:

#5: Oblivion

Oblivion would have been a much better film if it had come out like thirty years ago so that it could innovate and inspire every sci-fi movie to follow instead of appearing to rip them all off. Still, even though it's a far cry from Tom Cruise's high sci-fi watermark in Minority Report (2002), it was a surprising film full of gorgeous landscapes, a likable Cruise, and even if most of the plot elements were largely lifted from dozens of other films, it was competently executed.

#4: The Lone Ranger

I loved the fact that Disney based their entire non-Marvel summer around The Lone Ranger, but Verblinski and Depp were more in a mood to make an anti-Blockbuster, pulling the rug out of its audience's feet with completely boffo shifts in tone, some of the greatest train sequences of the year (or ever), and a general disregard for big movie conventions, despite its identity as such. Racist and un-American? You got it.

#3: Iron Man 3

It took me a while to realize what Iron Man 3 did for superhero films. I'd be curious if it has as general an effect on the genre as something like The Dark Knight (2008) did. While The Dark Knight pushed everything to be "dark" and heady, Iron Man 3 asks why superhero movies can't be exactly like early 90s action movies. It both takes the suit off the Iron Man and the piss out of the Mandarin. While the fanboy in me was outraged at first, I eventually grew to appreciate Shane Black's postmodern take on the pomp and pointlessness of antiquated archrivals and their unnecessary place in the hero narrative. The result is far more interesting than Iron Man 2 (2010).

#2: Pacific Rim

Originality may be a stretch here, for Pacific Rim does borrow liberally from mecha, kaiju, and many anime genres, but still, this was the biggest, best original sci-fi of the year. It gets big points for the best world-building of the decade, its refreshingly multi-cultural cast, its relenting coolness, and Charlie Day. No other big studio film had as much fun with itself or gave its audience so much to play with this Summer.

#1: Furious 6

How did this Happen? Not only does the plot of Furious 6 run pretty tight, despite a complete disregard for physics (who cares), it changes the narrative of every movie that comes before it, which is impressive in a franchise largely written off seven years ago. From the Rock to Diesel's incredible headbutt, tank chases and runways that stretch from London to Manchester, Furious 6 announced itself as able to play with the big boys in a big way. When every other movie this summer tried so hard to be cool, this rose above the rest and lived it, baby.

Next we have what I'm calling the Prestige Division. These are the kind of high-minded films I'm betting we'll see on many end-of-year lists, but I've probably thrown in a few wacky choices. I'd consider these to mostly be thought-provoking dramas, but a single genre definition essentially eludes the collection I have here:

Prestige Division:

#8: The Way Way Back

This movie tends to come along every couple years. Sometimes it's called Superbad (2007), sometimes it's Adventureland (2009), but it always tends to be tough to get sick of. The Way Way Back takes itself slightly more serious than either of these two, and thanks to Sam Rockwell sliding into a perfect role (he tends to have a lot of those), and Carell caring less and less about stardom, this one works.

#7: Side Effects

I can't stop being a Soderbergh junkie, and this, supposedly his final theatrical film, brings everything you could want from the man. The narrative juggles and switches protagonists like no film since No Country for Old Men (2007), and continually threads a mystery between who to believe and who is full of shit. It's tense fun with a slight critique of Big Pharma for being huge dicks. Rooney, Jude, Channing, and Catherine are all must watches.

#6: American Hustle

Hustle, even amidst criticisms of being "Scorsese Lite," is a damned fine bit of filmmaking. David O. Russell essentially combines the casts of The Fighter (2010) and Silver Linings Playbook (2012) in a slick ABSCAM piece that has tremendous fun with itself. Is it a comedy? That's a question that rages across a lot of flicks this year, and Hustle, while probably not as groundbreaking as Silver Linings, is just as enjoyable.

#5: 12 Years A Slave

Steve McQueen finally brings instant acclaim to his filmmaking abilities with a brutal look at slavery in its nadir in the 1840s. It's not only a portrayal designed to shock audiences into recognition and remembrance of slavery's horrors, but a critical examination of black identity, the survival of hope among hoplessness, and the corrupting influence of the peculiar institution. Spoiler alert: this one gets all the awards come March.

#4: Inside Llewyn Davis

Somehow Llewyn stands out among Coen Bros films, which grows more difficult with each subsequent film they release. Biting bitter comedy flicks in and out with splashes of irreplaceable wit in an otherwise exceedingly sad film. "Please Mr. Kennedy" should be the song of the year and with John Goodman's presence turning The Artist (2011) and Argo (2012) into Best Picture winners, can he go three for three? 

#3: Wolf of Wall Street

If Goodfellas (1990) had never existed, I may have listed this higher. Any breakthroughs this may make in narrative Scorsese already accomplished with his seminal gangster flick. Still, Wolf is crazy good, with the kinds of overflow of sex and drugs we've always dreamed of seeing on screen. At its heart, though, it's a tortured an uncomfortably funny tale of a man who can't do anything but make money, at the expense of everyone around him, including himself. There's not a better fable to tell in an age where the financial sector regularly screws over the entire world.

#2: Gravity

Picking between these last two was very difficult. They both get a lot of points for using their medium really well. Gravity provides a reason to go to the theater again during a time when the entire industry is whining that they're losing out to Netflix and home viewing options. It's a nauseating, dizzying turn through space with a ridiculous performance out of Sandy Bullock that genuinely works best when paying for a premium 3D IMAX ticket. Finally, a film that makes the trip worthwhile. As soon as other studios learn this, everyone can get a slice of that Gravity pie.

#1: Spring Breakers


Even though it's an incredibly important film for the medium, Gravity really didn't have the story to push it to the #1 spot. I'll give that to Harmony Korine's gritty dirty Spring Breakers, which feels like a dream when watching it. It's bathed in neon excess, Britney Spears rhythms, guns, cash, and a lot of delusional dreams, both broken and half-fulfilled. James Franco's "Spring breeeeaaakk" breathy whisper echoes throughout the slow scene construction over and over again, and unpredictable craziness flows at every turn, not only because it was primarily filmed with real spring breakers interacting with four hot Disney starlets. It crawls and oozes like only it can and remains the trippiest flick of the year.

Finally, we have a smattering of movies that don't really belong anywhere. I doubt you'd find these on any "Best Of" lists, but a handful were the most fun I've had at the cinema in years. In favor of continually eschewing any regard for form or convention, here are the downright funnest flicks of the year:

Fun Division:

#6: Warm Bodies

I'm basically at the point where I'll reward a movie for just not sucking. That's Warm Bodies, which takes what could have been a pretty stupid Twilight-esque premise and eschews any sort of expectation that could come along with that. The Zombie genre has been deconstructed time and time again by now, but perhaps never better than in this romantic comedy. The hokey ending be damned, this was a nice surprise.

#5: Don Jon

Otherwise known as Jersey Shore: The Movie, Don Jon showcases Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a competent and confident filmmaker, pushes a love of porn and girls in some new exciting directions (seriously), and offers a smooth ride from beginning to end. I'm still not sure what it is about this trashy sub-culture that attracts so much adoration from the general public looking it, maybe it's just how ridiculous yet commonplace their generally accepted behavior is within their own communities. I dunno. I can't stop watching, though.

#4: This is The End

I would put this at the top of my list for the whole year, but I understand there's a pretty heavy caveat - just about all enjoyment of this film depends on whether or not the viewer is pretty familiar with the culturally accepted social personas of the actors involved, as well as whether or not the viewer enjoyed Pineapple Express (2008). I'm a big supporter of both, so I had more fun watching this flick than any other single movie this year. Since it's so dependent on buying into that quasi-fictional world though, it's ultimately held back from being a truly great comedy. I also really didn't buy that Backstreet Boys reunion.

#3: You're Next

Probably the greatest marketing for any movie all time, You're Next proved to be the best kind of horror film - small, scary, fun, and effortlessly iconic. There were a lot of pretty good horror flicks this year, notably The Conjuring and even Insidious: Chapter 2, but James Wan can't get all the credit for reviving the genre. This little renegade movie needs a whole lot more attention than it's been given so far.

#2: Pain & Gain

Auteur Michael Bay's greatest film, and notably one of the most insane experiences at the cinema this year, Pain & Gain presents a non-stop assault on the senses, but not in that normal explosion-driven Bay way. Is the American Dream completely delusional? What's the price for success in a world that restricts the working class and rewards the liars and cheats? What's the best road to the top - honesty, steroids, theft, murder, or cooking hands on the grill? These are the big questions that I'm not sure Bay is even sure he's asking, but Pain & Gain contemplates them all pretty thoughtfully while serving up constant insane nonsense. It's a spectacle.

#1: The World's End


What's more to say? The fourth of four end-of-the-world comedies to premiere this year, and the second on this list, The World's End caps the Cornetto Trilogy and doesn't disappoint at all, in fact there's a good argument to be made it's the best of the three. Without a lot of fluff or other goofiness in the kind of film that could easily slip up, this flick provides laughs, some of Simon Pegg's strongest character work, and an answer to the hundreds of man-child alcoholic films that began with Will Ferrell and have accelerated through Todd Phillips' Hangover series. Every inch of this movie is covered in brilliance and it's thoughtfully the best outright comedy of a year full of pretty great ones.

Actor of the Year:

This was a pretty tough call this year. Tom Hanks had a few high profile roles in Captain Phillips and Saving Mr. Banks, but despite his admirable best efforts, both those flicks were kind of shitty. 2013 will always be remembered as the year everyone started treating Matthew McConaughey with more respect between Mud, Dallas Buyers Club, and The Wolf of Wall Street, but none of those flicks were really mainstream. Therefore I'm kind of torn between James Franco and Dwayne The Rock Lobster.

Now, The Rock starred in one of the biggest films of the year, Furious 6 as well as Pain & GainG.I. Joe: Retaliation, and Snitch. The thing is, though, only the first two of these films were really that notable, and neither especially because of Dwayne. Franco had a little bit of everything this year - big blockbuster potential with Oz the Great and Powerful, indie cred with Spring Breakers, a comedy blast with This is The End, and a bizarre domestic drama, Homefront. Not only that, but he appeared in small films such as The Iceman, Third Person, and Lovelace, and directed three additional festival films. He was also roasted on Comedy Central. Now, Franco may have the same lack of widespread cultural influence that the Rock did, but for sheer volume and diversity he gets our Actor of the Year award, with Dwayne a close second.

Actress of the Year:

This was also a very tough decision. Jennifer Lawrence just like last year has awards buzz from American Hustle, won the Academy Award for Silver Linings Playbook, and starred in one of the biggest films of the year, Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I'm also looking at Amy Adams, who had a slice of big budget blockbuster with Man of Steel, and two smaller great films in Her and American Hustle.

This duel, however, is coming down to the two starts of The HeatSandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy. Besides the success of The Heat, Bullock owned Gravity, and McCarthy added a supporting role in The Hangover Part III and provided a lot of the success of the year's first hit, Identity Thief. I'm not going to question the cultural impact of Gravity, however, and Bullock will get our Actress of the Year Award.

Scenes of the Year:

#11: When Oz's head finally makes its appearance in Oz the Great and Powerful, there's a lot of clever pay off there that encapsulates the entire movie and this douchebag's journey from Kansas to Oz.
#10: Pick any train scene from The Lone Ranger or The Wolverine. Why were trains in this year?
#9: Much of Star Trek Into Darkness fell flat, but Kirk and Harrison's (c'mon if you don't know who he really is by now) space jump saw Abrams briefly find a moment to equal the thrill and excitement of Star Trek (2009)
#8: There's not much more to say about the powerful hanging scene from 12 Years a Slave - McQueen lingers uncomfortably long on Northrup's body - if you don't get the point after the first thirty seconds, maybe another thirty will do.
#7: There were two big SPOILER-y superhero scenes that changed a lot in the genre this year - the first upends everything Superman is supposed to be about when Man of Steel kills Zod. The second is when Tony Stark finds out about Trevor Slattery and everyone's idea of what makes a supervillain is completely upended.
#6: Michael Cera has always seemed like kind of an enigma, but his brief turn in This is The End blows by ridiculous into a super-insane coke-fueled, Rihanna ass-slapping glory.
#5: Did you hear the apocalypse was cancelled? The best moment in Pacific Rim may be both of Gipsy Danger's Kaiju exterminations in Hong Kong (a double tap and a sudden massive sword, respectively), but when Idris Elba tells us that they're cancelling the apocalypse - damn if we don't buy his conviction.
#4: Gravity lets you know what kind of innovative, unique movie it's going to be from that first, exhaustive opening scene scrolling through the infinity of space.
#4: Smaug Awakes in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - it's as if this whole crummy cash grab was worth it - Smaug is an incredible character and Peter Jackson offers us a rare pay off that's really worth it.
#3: Say what you may about Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues, and many will point to the absurd obligatory battle scene, but for me, nothing beats the moment where the family says goodbye to Doby.
#2: It's hard to pick a scene from Spring Breakers. The most famous scene is surely James Franco serenading his masked beauties to the tune of Britney Spears' "Everytime," but I dig the crazy tension and character turn when the ladies make him fellate his own gun.
#1: You knew this was coming. Leo, on Quaaludes goes into the cerebral palsy phase in The Wolf of Wall Street. It's horrifying, hilarious and full of powerful character moments all at once. Scene of the year.


Trailers of the Year:

I always like dishing on trailers as their own special artform. Let's begin with films that came out this year:

Gravity - This first teaser still scares the shit out of me. In just 90 seconds the trailer demonstrates the inescapable fear, loneliness, and terror of the whole film, as well as a brief showcase of the crazy good effects. Seeing just this in 3D IMAX for the first time was more memorable than the Man of Steel that followed it.
Don Jon - Trailers have the unenviable task of capturing the spirit of a film, grabbing our attention without spoiling big moments, and getting our butts in seats. Don Jon provided a memorable trailer based on a simple man's routine that's interrupted by a unique woman that shows a lot of story but leaves the viewer intrigued for more. And the music's perfect.
Hunger Games: Catching Fire - I give this a lot of props because I didn't see The Hunger Games (2012), and have no desire to see Catching Fire, but this trailer really made me want to check it out. It's mostly the intriguingly conniving dialogue between Don Sutherland and Philip Seymour here that catches my fancy, hinting at some brains behind this bippity YA adaptation. You have my attention - thanks, trailer.
The Wolf of Wall Street - Even if the film itself is really just Goodfellas meets Boiler Room (2000), the trailer presents itself as wildly original. It's got a fine slice of insane douchebaggery on display, exhibits Leo's totally unhinged performance, and presents the film's irreverent tone set to the intense thumping of Kanye's "Black Skinhead" - a match between clips and song made in heaven to perfect demonstrate the theme of this flick. MORE IS NEVER ENOUGH couldn't be a better thesis for this flick. Completely engaging and instantly re-watchable, it's a nigh perfect trailer.

There is aother set of trailers that came out in 2013 for films premiering in 2014. Let's wrap up the year in movies by dishing on them:

The LEGO Movie - I can't think of a worse idea for a movie than LEGOs. I mean, I love LEGOs, but the point is to play and build with them, not watch them on a screen. This trailer gets a lot of credit then, for just being damned funny ("The 2002 NBA All-Star Team...") and hinting that maybe, just maybe this won't suck.
Captain America: The Winter Solider - Could probably go without seeing the Helicarrier go down, but as far as cookie cutter Marvel superhero flicks go, this seems solid. More than Thor 2 (2013), this looks to push Cap's ideals as far as they go, especially through S.H.I.E.L.D., which seems like a nice little dose of Civil War. I'm intrigued more than I should be.
Godzilla - This is another movie that really needs to prove in its marketing material that it won't suck. The trailer succees with a kind of urgency that is usually lacking in previous campy Godzilla films, GINO (1998) included. It wisely sticks with just shots of shadows, and destruction, mostly around one scene, which aptly demonstrates just what kind of film this wants to be - a badass realistic interpretation of the Big Tokyo Stomper. Walter White can't hurt.
X-Men: Days of Future Past - How the hell were they going to pull this one off? While holding back a lot of his hand, Bryan Singer helps us remember how he started all this superhero nonsense - with damned good character work. This trailer doesn't need a big explosion at its climax to let us know it's a big shouty important movie - merely one man saying to his younger self, "We need you to hope again." It understands where its drama is and promises a hell of a ride by way of character, not set pieces. If that holds, that'll be about the best we can hope for.
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