Showing posts with label Fast and Furious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fast and Furious. Show all posts

02 January 2022

NMW's Salute to 2021: More Movie Stuff!

We wrapped up the year last week, but we still have a few lingering things to get to. There was a lot of fun stuff at the cinema this year that needs to be honored and trends to be explored.

Scenes of the Year

I usually reserve this for big films with one big scene that captures the imagination, or something that elevates an otherwise crappy film. We sure did have a lot of loud, crappy films this year. They kind of echoed off each other in mindless noise without a coherent culture to glob on to. But here we go.

I did like the intro to A Quiet Place Part II just for being competent dad porn. I guess runners up are the flash-forward maybe ending to The Green Knight, Kong's fight with Godzilla on the battleship in Godzilla vs. KONG, and numerous bus fights in Nobody and Shang-Chi.

I also just really liked pretty much all of Mortal Kombat. Let's choose the scene where Kung Lao bifurcates a dude with his hat.

I liked movies like James Bond and DUNE, but hardly anything stood out as the coolest scene ever. Now, PIG, however...



Nothing stands out to me like Nicholas Cage's life criticism.

Movie Song of the Year:

Edgar's Prayer from Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar. Done.



Actors of the Year:

This year had a lot of stand-out work. Florence Pugh has been on the scene for a while, but I'm going to give her a lot of credit for being the best stand-out part of Black Widow, and following up playing the same character in Hawkeye. I've dug her since Midsommar (2019) but it's nice to get her in front of a wide audience where she's not crying constantly. Same thing with Ana de Armas, who has been around for a while now, but people seem to be noticing after No Time to Die. She definitely gets the Best Appearance in One Scene of a Movie Award this year! Awkwafina was the queen of sidekicks this year in Shang-Chi and Raya, both films where she couldn't not be Awkwafina.

But ultimately, I'm giving this one to Zendaya! She didn't appear too much in DUNE but a lot in Spider-Man: No Way Home, which ended up being the biggest movie of the year. It feels right, she's got the buzz and proving to have the acting chops for a wide range as well. I don't know how many people saw DUNE but it felt like a lot, and she seemed like a big deal in the lead-up, even if she was only in it for forty-five seconds.

For the men, we have some options. Benedict Cumberbatch had both his time to shine in critical circles in The Power of the Dog and a reprisal of his comic character in Spider-Man: No Way Home. That's how these things work these days - one for them, one for us. But it doesn't feel like a Cumberbatch year, does it? Maybe it's Jamie Dornan who crushed both ridiculously serious in Belfast and extremely doofy in Barb and Star. Both are a significant departure from what he was previously known for.

But fuck it, let's go with Chalamet. He owned DUNE with Zendaya, then appeared in The French Dispatch and Don't Look Up, covering a wide swath of genres and roles, which really cemented his status as an untraditional leading man and stoner sidekick. He's just crushing it, and while he broke through years ago, this felt like a very cementing year for this dude.

General Thoughts

As I look back at it, 2021 had a surprising amount of big loud franchise-defining blockbusters. But no one cared. We had four MCU movies, another Fast movie, Bond, Godzilla, Ghostbusters. Not to mention a movie about a beach that makes you old!

I think we're stretching thin, though. F9 in outer space was legit fun, but the core of that movie faltered. Bond was regularly great, and bowed out gracefully. The less said about Afterlife the better, and the MCU had some reliably competent films that don't quite stand out to me at the end of the year. I should maybe give more praise to Spider-Man, although I can't sort out the nostalgia.

No Way Home and The Matrix Resurrections present an intriguing end of year conundrum. We have officially entered the early 2000s nostalgia zone. This was my high school and college era, which means I actually have memories about being hyped for these movies and seeing them in the cinema. Now we are using our cinematic language to resurrect (literally) these characters to squeeze some more juice while the actors are still kind of able to make action films.

We are eating ourselves. It's happening. I remember back when all the biggest trilogies were in production. It was like, Spider-Man, the Matrix, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Star Wars. There was Shrek and Bourne movies, but I never totally cared about those - they just never really bothered to tell stories that needed finishing. But these were all completed and now we're dipping back into that well. I am still forming thoughts on Resurrections, but rest assured I have plenty on that...movie of a film.

What else? The Rock has settled into making bad movies starring himself as himself. As has Ryan Reynolds. And then they did one together!

But mostly this year is just about not sharing anything. Bond didn't feel big because not all my friends were talking about Bond. I didn't see a ton of posts about it on the Internet. Films were dropped on streaming services, which feels great, but we didn't all see it at the same time. I wonder if our immediacy and access will actually just lead to delays, as we don't have an urgency to see something so we never do. Or it's just ephemeral - Army of the Dead took over Netflix for a weekend. Everyone saw it, hated it, moved on. It's not like we had to wait for the next free weekend to go with our friends.

This sounds curmudgeony, and I don't mean this as necessarily a bad thing, just a thing that now exists. Clearly movies do have the ability to find distribution better than ever before, but it's about getting enough shared eyes at the same time to create some kind of cultural momentum, which is what we're all about here at Norwegian Morning Wood.

So, that's it! We'll tackle music at some point this week, but then it's on to 2022. What will come next!?

29 June 2021

First Impressions: F9

Ahhh it's that golden time that comes around every couple years - a new Fast and Furious movie is upon us! Make no bones about it, I am a fan of this franchise, but I hate to say the unthinkable - I think this franchise has run its course. This is maybe something everyone else has known for a long time. I was kind of done after Fate of the Furious (2017), but whatever. This has actually been the longest time in between installments, if you'd believe it (I guess not if you include Hobbs and Shaw [2019]). Let's do a serious deep dive into this, and SPOILERS from here on out, I actually had the two biggest reveals spoiled for me by TV ads so...if you really want the best experience, stop watching TV.

In anticipation of F9 (2021), I didn't watch every Fast movie, but I managed to get in 1, 2, and 6. This may seem random, but those were the three available on the streaming platforms I subscribe to. And yeah, there's such a big difference. The Fast and the Furious (2001) is such a quant and simple movie. I was amazed out into the final big action sequence I was, when it's really just three cars trying to hi-jack one semi-truck. It's engrossing! I'm also struck by how lame the villain is - I totally didn't remember Johnny Tran getting punked out like he does, probably because it's saddled between such huge sequences that it's easily forgettable. See, the real villain is Dom Toretto, who is also kind of not the villain, and it all actually makes the film super interesting.

Oh, 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003). This is underrated, man. It's the best straight action film of this franchise, I tell you this. It's just like, a bunch of stuff that happens, it's so over-stylized, and the most 2003 movie ever. One thing weird is that hardly any of the later movies have this kind of immortalized feel beyond rapper cameos and general film style (the closest equivalent might be the Mission: Impossible franchise?). There is essentially no plot and no depth, but that's what makes it worthwhile. We really don't get these kind of mid-level films anymore, as clearly evidenced by this very franchise. Watching this I yearned for the simplicity and tacit resistance to a command room where everyone is hacking on monitors.

As I watched Fast & Furious 6 (2013) with my fiance, who had never seen any of these, she kept remarking that Paul Walker looked much much older. I said that's because he's wearing jeans and a button down shirt instead of converse shoes and an Orange County Choppers shirt. Seriously, his performance in 2 Fast is bonkers. It's as if they wrote it for a black stereotype, but gave it to the whitest guy ever, but he then made the choice to perform is lines totally straight. It's somehow the less racist choice. I actually found myself liking this one a lot more than I remembered, and here's the point of all this:

There are a lot of different versions of Fast, and that's what makes it cool. You have the straight 2000s mild action films, the designed to be Straight-to-DVD Tokyo Drift (2006), and then Fast & Furious (2009), which looking back is honestly the best franchise-rebooting film ever that set up everything else. Fast Five (2011) brought the team-up aspect, honestly pre-dating The Avengers (2012), but the 6th one really got them into this spy game thing, which they haven't totally left. And that's a shame.

It's an old tale. They've gotten too big. You can't do 2 Fast again. It's too outside our standards. As soon as this became a billion dollar franchise expectations and formula went way up. I give them credit for still making each film distinctive. 7 is the one with Jason Statham and Paul Walker's death. 8 is the one with the submarine where Dom is evil. 9 is the one with Dom's brother. However, each of these are starting to feel the same. They're suddenly all government agents now. That was a line 6 crossed and they've had trouble peeling back and focusing on character.

It feels like they have exhausted most of their creativity in terms of what this franchise can do and be. Instead of all these diverse plots and set-ups, suddenly for the last FOUR movies we have basically churned out this spy shit. And that's all fun and kitschy for like, one or two go arounds, but by this point it's just in too much conflict with the origins of the characters and franchises. Diesel never totally looks comfortable as a spy, but that's a difference between him and his long lost brother that's mentioned but never developed or exploited.

In Furious 6 we get this government agent thing for the first time, but it works because they are specifically going after someone who uses cars for his crimes to a level that's beyond the capabilities of traditional law enforcement. They also solve most of the problems with cars. See, it's actually motivated, flimsy as it may be. By this point it just no longer seems to make sense why they are in this role. They have completely abandoned any street racing, and seem like they fight with fists more than wheels. There is still the requisite car chases, of course, but it all feels as much as it would be in any sp thriller. Even Diesel sort of says that like, "We're not on call anymore." It's all lip service, he was never not going to go on this adventure. It's all just an excuse to have a big wacky action movie.

Now, let's dive into this a little bit, because sometimes the smaller stories don't work. And first, I know, a big wacky action movie is why we're all here. But that doesn't make a film good. I'd argue against Bumblebee (2018) which tried the small thing with Transformers, thinking that was the simple path towards quality. Oh, let's do a stripped down, character driven film instead! Well, no, it doesn't totally work with giant robots, that movie was crazy forgettable. Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) was a terrible movie by any metric, but it was also extremely true to its brand, arguably fun and weird, and cringey in all the best ways. Bumblebee dove into a smaller story, which is commendable, but something went wrong. Perhaps it was the fact that it lacked the epic world-shattering story, which is less exhausting, but it didn't present enough stakes to warrant a giant robot war in its place.

I realize at this point it's just me complaining about everything. I apparently don't like smaller intimate movies nor big louder outrageous movies. This is true, because size and loudness is not the metric for enjoying a movie or not. There is a lot of factors that go into whether or not someone likes a movie and it's honestly too individualized to dig into here. I'm looking for a melting pot of attitude, attractive cinematography (totally subjective to me, but suffice it to say it needs to fit the subject material), competent and rewarding writing, and developed characters who find that niche of making decisions that are exciting and unexpected, but also well within their established parameters. If this is feels like it's asking a lot, that's because it is - good movies are hard to make.

I didn't hate everything about F9. But I hated a lot of it. It was not as bad as Fate, which really left me disappointed. I love the soap opera elements that have run through this thing. I think Letty STILL has amnesia, right? Like, she doesn't remember anything pre-6? I just wanted Fate to pull the trigger on brainwashing or even bolder yet, Dom actually turning back to his evil roots. F9 brings the long-lost brother into the mix, and to be fair, it is a little motivated and true to Dom's backstory going back to The Fast and the Furious. Adding the brother layer is interesting, but it doesn't do enough. There is a long process of forgiveness on Dom's part, and to be honest, I enjoyed the idea that he's such a blockhead that he got one idea in his head and couldn't find room to fit in any other possibility.

This makes me think back to last year's Bloodshot (2020). That movie worked so well because Diesel could not understand that he was in a farce and he took it so damn seriously. It was just perfect for that character, who is so dumb and angry that he would just aim at killing people with zero nuance. There's a lot of that here. You can tell that Diesel is trying really hard to act (AND I've never really been against Diesel as an actor, I think he's great in almost everything he does, certainly moreso in the early-2000s when he was a little more challenged instead of cherry-picking roles that fit one very specific persona. His vulnerability at the end of xXx [2003] when he's just sitting on the rocks scared and stripped of the tough guy he's been playing for the whole movie and in his death scene in Saving Private Ryan [1998] is great).

While watching 2 Fast again, I did find myself curious about Brian O'Conner's backstory. I mean, what makes this guy tick? What made him want to walk this line between law and crime that he feels free crossing at whim every other movie? I didn't pick up the added depth until this viewing actually, that one big reason why he let Dom go at the end of 1 is because he failed to protect Roman Pearce when they were growing up together. But I guess we won't be getting a Brian O'Conner movie any time soon.

It's fun to dig more into Dom Toretto's past. I thought his father might be played by a little bigger name, but that's okay. What's more weird is the strange implications we get by casting John Cena as his brother. Doesn't that make Dom blatantly white? For some reason Charlize Theron does a racial analysis of him, but something feels lost when a man who self-identifies as ethnically ambiguous is essentially white-washed into Italian. Diesel is a huge part of the production side of these films at this point, which feels all the more baffling.

I also want to point out that the younger actors look NOTHING like mini-Diesel and Cenas. To the point where you kind of wonder which one is playing which at first. There were better matching younger representations in Dumb and Dumber: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003). It all felt kind of bizarre.

Anyway, while Diesel gets this prolonged sequence where he finally realizes his error and forgives his brother, Jakob doesn't really get any of that, yet he arrives at the same point. We just don't get the insight into his pathos when he's betrayed by the stock German CEO villain. He's just kind of mildly irritated and then he comes back to save Dom. It follows the only consistent element of this serious, arguably dating back to the first movie - the villain always becomes the next part of the Family. Diesel (or maybe from their viewpoint, O'Conner...), the Rock, Statham, Cena. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that the big attached action star is always absorbed into the crew. Cena will almost assuredly return in 10 Fast 10 Furious (2023).

This is an aside, but it's also getting to the point where it's a little bizarre that they won't let Brian O'Conner die. It's nearly impossible to justify his retirement when Diesel and Letty are in the same situation now, yet have no such qualms about being unincluded. I liked seeing Mia back in action, because that character has always gotten the short shrift, but also in what world would Brian be left at home as the babysitter? Mia assuredly needed to return since John Cena is her brother, too (a fact I feel like they came close to forgetting until this movie was half-written) and there's pathos to develop, but it's again pretty rushed. I also like that she's also somehow a hacker now, too. How do all these people become hackers?! It's like the freakin 90s in here. I don't know how they can keep these plates spinning with O'Conner gone, his spot at the table was a nice tribute, but they can't treat him like a sitcom character we never see again!

I've mentioned a few times that the film is a little rushed, which honestly only feels that way in developing character, not plot. I realized this while re-watching 6 again - one big reason they can churn these out quickly these days, and keep the focus on formula and setpieces is that there really hasn't been any character growth in like four movies. Maybe the Rock if anybody. But with everyone else they're able to just write a few fun disconnected scenes and don't have to put much thought into anything. I've always hated when Brian goes back to LA to talk to Braga because he learns NOTHING and the plot completely keeps moving without him, but honestly, it's just to give Brian something to do for the middle of the movie. Otherwise he's just a random white guy hanging out. No longer the protagonist, just anonymous fodder.

Han got into this too a little bit. Are you ready to talk about Han. Fucking A, Han. Han! I should have been excited, and I definitely was, he's a great character because he's effortlessly cool while also showing that he demonstrably cares tremendously about the friends around him. This dude was amazingly plucked out of Tokyo Drift into this behemoth and his death has not only dictated the timeline for like four movies, but driven much of the last two films.

I get the feeling that Justin Lin just loves his guy. I have no idea why, I mean, he's a fun character and all. But he doesn't actually do anything. He doesn't necessarily have a lot of skills to bring to the table, he's just kind of another person around. That's part of what makes him great, he's just a fun dude to include, but he really doesn't add anything to 6. It's sad to not be included in the heights this franchise has achieved, and at least Gal Gadot swapped this for Wonder Woman, but also folks dying is what makes this actually have legit Game of Thrones-esque stakes.

By the way, this flies against Roman Pearce's mantra in this movie that they are invincible and everything works out for them all the time. He has a point, and there's some fun meta commentary there. We really needed one of them to die to give his theory some irony or growth, though, instead of it just confirming by them driving a Pontiac Fiero into space. We need to talk more about this, but one thing at a time. It's just so bizarre that he would have this theory when a lot of his friends have died, but also maybe he's right because Han is in fact back!

I hate this characters returning from the dead, stuff. Like, "Ohhh no, he got out in time!" Also, Jakob had nothing to do with it right, so there was actually no reason for them to be investigating? It was a dead end? These things start to become frustrating. Is Mr. Nobody dead, by the way? The inciting incident is them investigating that crash, again for no reason, it isn't a CIA mandate. It's all a very weak excuse to get the action started. But we never actually find out what happened to him,

I think that modern blockbusters literally don't care anymore. It's not important that these questions be answered, audiences are distracted enough by the fast cars and big tits to think about these issues. Anyway, undoing Han's death feels like it's undoing the previous two entire movies that were largely fueled by this stuff. I also can't believe his re-appearance wasn't kept under wraps. Like I said, it was all over the marketing material, and I just realized he's even on the damn poster. Still, even though this appears as a denouement, labelled "Justice for Han", which seeks to reconcile the bizarre fact that Statham has been absorbed into the Family despite him killing Han, he definitely still intended to murder Han! There's no justice! We got a midly fun mid-credits scene, maybe something will happen with this - but I will always say that maybe future scenes are no excuse for not putting the catharsis right there on the screen for all of us.

Now, let me tell you this right now - it was fun as HELL seeing the Tokyo Drift gang back and messing around. We obviously needed more human moments when they realize Han is alive, I mean, that's arguably a bigger moment than any of the main Family seeing him alive. I have just been pulling for Lucas Black and Bow Wow to return for like ten years. And I love it so much that these two have aged worse than anyone else in the cast. I honestly do not remember Earl Hu, but pumped he's back, too.

It makes me think about just how different Tokyo Drift was. There's none of that cop / criminal aspect, it really was a movie connected only through the use of fast cars street racing. Maybe that's why they never found a way to integrate these characters into the expanded combined shenanigans. But they're still part of this franchise and it honestly warmed my heart so much to see them hanging out and enjoying Coronas at 1327. Lord knows they need the money.

Needless to say, there are plenty of characters who need to return. Leon, from the original crew, played by Johnny Strong (definitely the weakest character of that original film). Suki! Eva Mendes! For some reason Don Omar appears but not Tego Calderon in F9. I'm okay without Scott Eastwood coming back, who is the blandest actor ever. But hey, Ryan Reynolds and Kevin Hart ARE in this universe now...

The rocket-car angle is definitely fun and it's technically telegraphed, which is great, although how the hell did that come through as something they'd need for the finale?! You gotta go with it at this point, and everything about their space trip was very satisfying. I can't be the only one noticing that they send the two black guys up on the possible suicide mission, though, right? What is going on with this movie after so many years of great inclusivity...?! But, I talked about this series going to space years ago. I'm so happy about this.

And that's about it. There's some good stuff here, definitely some fun stuff. I think the franchise needs to break out of the mold it's boxed itself in at this point. When they started doing this style of combined family adventures it worked because it was so new and exciting. Now they need something else new and exciting. I guess that's a little bit of what Hobbs and Shaw was doing. Maybe that's the direction here. What next, though? We've done tanks, submarines, space cars...maybe an undersea adventure? Or cars vs. wizards? I think wizards is the play. It's also a weird request, but I dug centering in just one city - LA, Miami, Tokyo, LA again, Rio, London, then it all kind of unraveled as they went on globetrotting adventures. It's nice to get that international city flavor to push the story, to add the character of the city. The first one is covered in haze of an LA Summer, the second is full of the gaudy neon lights of Miami. Tokyo Drift does its thing. They're just getting safer as they get bigger, which isn't leading to new and innovative movies.

What do you think? The next play should clearly just a Cardi B-led female spy thriller.

22 December 2019

2019 Stuff We Looked Forward to...in REVIEW!

Last January I made the bold prediction that "2019 will be the greatest year for movies in the 10,000 history of humanity" You had better believe that I was 100,000% right! That's the deal we make here at Norwegian Morning Wood. 100,000 percent right for 10,000 years. Anyway, most of these films actually turned out to be not that bad. So, let's dive in with what we predicted might not suck in 2019:

Like this face, 2019 was a MYYYYSSSTERY!!!

Godzilla: King of the Monsters
- 05/19

Verdict: GREAT! This movie was amazing and I loved every single second of it. This ultimately wasn't all that impactful and it's a miracle they will move forward with Godzilla vs. Kong (2020), but I was at least super into this. Full review here.

Avengers: Endgame - 04/26

Verdict: GREAT! Delivered on just about everything it could have and successfully capped off the first eleven years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Well worth the wait and extremely satisfying. Full review here.

Detective Pikachu - 05/19

Verdict: OKAY! It was still a really bizarre way to introduce live action Pokemon to a mainstream audience and Ryan Reynolds was definitely miscast, but there were plenty of fun moments and nice to see some favorite on the screen.

Spider-Man: Far From Home - 07/05

Verdict: GOOD! I like this a lot, probably more than Homecoming (2017). It grounds itself in characters really well and Tom Holland is incredibly likable as Peter Parker. The weight of Tony Stark weighs a little heavy, to the point where Spider-Man is starting to feel like an Iron Man spin-off and I wish he had his own identity a little more. Still, in the big spectrum of MCU films, this is in the Top Third.

Joker - 10/04

Verdict: OKAY! I didn't end up seeing this and although it has earned an extreme amount of both critical and commercial acclaim it seems like it's dropped at a tough time for its subject matter politically. OR depending on your point of view, an excellent time. I'm reserving judgment on how much it glorifies vs. satirizes its male subject matter, but I'd say it was at least a strong cultural force that ought to have some big waves in blockbuster filmmaking.

Ad Astra - 05/24

Verdict: PROBABLY PRETTY GOOD! I also didn't see this, but heard good things. I would like to because I think it has earned deserved praise, but it also seems to have been forgotten rather quickly.

Six Underground - Sometime

Verdict: BAG OF TRASH! This was probably one of the worst movies of the year. I could have likely seen this coming. For some reason Ryan Reynolds is straight up only good as Deadpool. And in Adventureland (2009) and Just Friends (2005).

Knives Out - 11/27

Verdict: FANTASTIC! One of the best movies of the year, original, encapsulating, fun, mysterious, and a dream cast. Just great. Full review here.

The Lighthouse - Someday

Verdict: GREAT! Okay, I didn't see it. But I want to and it looks great. Reviews have been stellar. It's not going to light the world on fire, but it seems like my jam.

Uncut Gems - Whenever

Verdict: GREAT! I also didn't see this. Yet. I might when it gets a wider release. But by all accounts Sandler is huge, the movie is great, Kevin Garnett for some reason. This seems to have delivered on its January 2019 promise.

I also had a long list of possibly good movies. Let's go through them just as fast:

Rocketman - Okay
Ford vs Ferrari - Pretty good
Boss Level - This did not happen
Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood - I didn't like it, but successful
SHAZAM! - Pretty good
Hobbes and Shaw - Okay
Velvet Buzzsaw - This ended up being okay, a little letdown
Brightburn - Not that great
Cold Pursuit - Greatest movie ever
Us - Amazingly fantastic

What did you think about 2019 movies? Did they deliver on your hype?!

15 December 2019

Because I watched it on DVD: Hobbs & Shaw

Here's some very late impressions for you - Fast & Furious presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)! So bold the title required two ampersands! I don't want to dive in like crazy, but this movie left me with a good dose of weirdness that we should address. SPOILERS forever, but who cares. This movie is ridiculous.

This looks like two other movies. Walking Tall (2005) and
I don't know, any other Statham movie.

I was a late bloomer Fast fan for sure. I got into 2 Fast 2 Furious (2002) repeats on the USA Network in the mid-2000s and like most of the world, was fully on board when the franchise shifted to straight action heist movies starting with Fast Five (2011). Like all good things, though, a good thing has been bled dry. The pinnacle seemed to be Fate of the Furious (2017), which was all kinds of terrible, but instead it turns out that Hobbs & Shaw found a way to push insanity forward.

It's a fine line why Fate sucked. I loved Furious 7 (2015). There was some line that was tripped and I have spent a lot of time trying to think of what it was. I think it has all to do with Vin Diesel's turn towards evil. It's in that weird zone between being motivated enough and not actually going all the way. Diesel can be a brutal character and even since the first film they've resisted leaning into this. Replacing fan favourites like Paul Walker with charisma-free Scott Eastwood wasn't great either. How could they have fired him?!

Hobbs & Shaw takes all this to another level. These films have always featured quasi-superheroic acts, but here Idris Elba is literally a technologically-infused supervillain. It's never quite explained how, but it doesn't actually matter. What might be weirder is that Statham and the Rock are actually able to fight this cyborg somehow. Sure, not right off the bat, but they eventually do get it together - by "working together." Of course they do. If anything, it's nice to finally have an excuse why all these people can survive these car crashes and submarine explosions.

But there's other weird stuff at play. This film feels like it's just made by the stars and producers rather than any kind of coherent screenwriter. I know what that sounds like - every film is culpable of this. But it opens with a straight-up cameo by Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, and I mean his character is just Deadpool. He doesn't have the mutant powers or guns but the exact same attitude and line delivery. Or maybe it's Ryan Reynolds. Hobbs & Shaw was directed by David Leitch, who did Deadpool 2 (2018), but it's still a weird move to just mash these franchises up so blatantly.

The movie also ends with a trip to Samoa, and it's almost as if between this and Moana (2016) the Rock is trying really hard to remind us that he's Samoan instead of just "generically ethnic." It's just bizarre that his estranged Samoan brother is able to fix a nanite-virus extraction machine that only one other dude could ever build. It all builds toward this anti-technology message which is bizarre in a film where the police rely so much on technology. There's no heart here. Nothing makes sense.

Again, I know. This is a Fast movie. Not making sense is part of the game. The thing is, though, not making sense in other films still fit into the rules of the established world. Sure, Vin Diesel inexplicably headbutt flies into a huge dude and the runway is like 28 miles long. But this was all in service of a reasonably exciting conclusion. Hobbs & Shaw more feels like an excuse for the actors and producers to flex their own interests rather than producing something that the fans might think is cool.

And the Samoan stuff is sort of cool. There's fire and stuff. But the Rock also convinces his brother far too fast that he's cool after twenty years in exile from turning in their car thief father. His line is that people are going to die because this white lady is carrying a virus inside her. Their mom just believe them and the story moves on. It's really bad.

Like other films, moving quickly can be a good thing, but Hobbs & Shaw seems to stumble from the start. There was opportunity to present a really interesting duology here but they don't really establish how Statham and the Rock differ in their methods. Sure, they call Statham a ghost and the Rock a bulldozer, but they're both fucking bulldozers. There still exists a really weird zone where Statham is moving towards a Fast hero, which doesn't make any sense. He killed Han in cold bold. How can Dom ever work him? Maybe the Rock doesn't have major beef, but we yearn for some retribution or guilt or catharsis!

What's more true is that these filmmakers wrote themselves into a corner by killing Han in what was supposed to be a direct-to-DVD crapshoot, but brought the character back because they liked him, but then liked Statham too much and wanted him to be one of the gang. Just not enough 40-year old bald men in this franchise. And Statham is talented for sure, but this movie is all over the place.

I also totally thought the movie was going to end at the electro-torture scene. Like, they built that up so much, like every movie ever, and then I checked the time and had over an hour left! It was structurally bizarre. It just makes me think that the Rock came in and told everyone to go to Samoa.

Anyway, unsurprisingly, Vanessa Kirby is the best thing here and a total badass. She also gets this bomb-ass intro song and it's nice that the movie continues the Fast tradition of having great soundtracks. She holds her own, although was definitely not children with Jason Statham.

Did Hobbs & Shaw push this terrible franchise over the brink or am I crazy? I will say it was more fun than Fate but it also feels like a series of missed opportunities. Maybe I should just watch At Eternity's Gate (2018) or something instead.

01 January 2018

2017 Movie Watching Review

Here we go, baby!

I know you've been waiting all year for this. Well, I definitely have. It's time to add up what the hell I watched in 2017. The build-up is incredible. I've put together a formidable list, but it's time to do some hearty analysis.

First off, plain and simple, I managed to watch 224 movies this year. This is barely up from the 220 I watched in 2016, but still trending up from the 198 in 2015. I really can't believe it was that close. Apparently I top off at around 220-ish flicks. That's a movie every 1.6 days, which is about right.

My repeat movies were really down. I only saw two films twice: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) and The Interview (2014). So that's 222 unique films.

Of these 222 movies, I watched 133 for the first time, or 60%, way up from last year's 53%.

Let's start this year breaking it up by medium:

MEDIA:
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MethodNumberPercentage
Digital Download20.89%
DVD177.59%
Google Play10.45%
Hulu10.45%
Illegal Download10.45%
Netflix DVD5725.45%
Netflix Streaming7433.04%
Theater125.36%
TV5524.55%
YouTube41.79%

Last year my Netflix Streaming was at a paltry 22.7%, so that's clearly the biggest jump. My TV watching has gone down the most (38% to 24.55%), likely due to the fact that I gave up cable in July. I can't help but think these are the trends. Surprisingly I was at 8% DVD last year, which is dead on. I watched one more film in theaters this year than last year, but similar percentages.

Of the 55 films I watched on Television, here is my channel breakdown:

-->
ChannelNumberPercentage
AMC47.27%
Bravo23.64%
Cartoon Network11.82%
Comedy Central47.27%
ESPN11.82%
Freeform11.82%
FX1018.18%
FXX23.64%
Nicktoons11.82%
HBO23.64%
MTV11.82%
Showtime11.82%
Spike47.27%
Starz23.64%
SyFy1018.18%
TBS47.27%
TNT35.45%
Vh123.64%

Besides SyFy and FX, which clearly kills it, this is pretty spread out. The next highest percentage is 7% from TBS, Comedy Central, Spike, and AMC, but that's only a difference of one or two films from the bottom. This is the same as last year, although the polarization was even more dominating. And yes, I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) on Nicktoons. It...does not hold up.

YEARS:

I always want to get my years up. Obviously, when Netflix Streaming is 33% of my consumption, that makes it tough. I'd like to have a goal next year of diversifying my media. I'd also like a goal of getting at least one film from each year, from about the 70s on. This year I astoundingly missed '71, '72, '75, '78, '79, '80, '86, '91, and '93. How did I miss 1993?! I'm watching Jurassic Park (1993) as soon as I can. But anyway, here's how that shakes out:

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YearNumberPercentage
193110.45%
193510.45%
196010.45%
196110.45%
197010.45%
197310.45%
197420.89%
197610.45%
197710.45%
198120.89%
198220.89%
198310.45%
198431.34%
198510.45%
198720.89%
198810.45%
198910.45%
199010.45%
199220.89%
199420.89%
199541.79%
199620.89%
199720.89%
199841.79%
199931.34%
200052.23%
200152.23%
200262.68%
200341.79%
200431.34%
200541.79%
200694.02%
200762.68%
200831.34%
200994.02%
201062.68%
201183.57%
2012104.46%
201383.57%
2014125.36%
2015156.70%
20162912.95%
20173917.41%

The past decade is obviously the most well-represented, with the top five coming from the last six years (2012 over 2013). I'm not too bummed about this, but again, it'd behoove me to watch older shit. Here's the breakdown by decade:

-->
DecadeNumberPercentage
1930s20.89%
1960s20.89%
1970s62.68%
1980s135.80%
1990s208.93%
2000s5424.11%
2010s12756.70%

Alright, now for some amazing year-to-year stats. In 2016 I watched 15.9% from the current year, so we're a bit higher. The most recent year that I didn't see a movie from was 1982, so that's not great. I actually only saw 12% from the 2000s, so I doubled that. I had much more 90s and 80s flicks (15% and 8% respectively). But I was 58% 2010s at...wait for it...127! Yes, I saw the same number of films from this current decade. I don't know how this happened.

So, superlatives:

Oldest film: Frankenstein (1931)
Most Recent film: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (12/20/17).

Yeah, that's not great.

Okay, here's some more.

Breakdown by Month:

-->
January22
April22
September20
December20
May19
October19
August18
November18
June18
July17
February17
March14
Average18.67

There's almost no consistency year to year except for January being heavy and February being light. I dunno.

Let's end with films I've seen year-to-year:

-->
2017 and 20162017 and 2015all three
BridesmaidsStar Wars VII: The Force AwakensFast & Furious 6
A Christmas StoryBad Boys IIThe Interview
Beverly Hills Cop IIFast & Furious
Rogue One: A Star Wars StoryFrozen
Step BrothersGangs of New York
Suicide SquadLucy
The LEGO MovieMad Max Fury Road
That's My Boy!
The Fast and the Furious
The Matrix
The Replacements

I don't think I'll keep going back and forth, like in 2018 I'm not going to compare to 2015, that will get out of control. But it IS interesting to note how 2017 has more in common with 2015 than last year. Maybe that's not surprising. More time between movies makes more sense. However, there is no excuse for watching Fast & Furious 6 (2013) three years in a row. I also...apparently really like The Interview. For those keeping track, yes, I watched it twice this year, which makes it four times in three years, more than any other film. I'll admit it's become somewhat of a go-to for me when I don't know what else to do, or if I'm real drunk. I also own it on YouTube, which makes it easy to cast in weird places.

I also want to note that I watched Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) twice last year, and its sequel twice this year. I dig it, I guess.

So, that's it. Now 2018 is upon us. Just imagine next year, when you have more stats to look forward to! For now, we're back to square one. Blank slate. Time to start over. What might we have in store this year? Stay tuned to find out!
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