Day to day

 It's Mother's Day today. I personally don't expect anything from my husband, but it was nice to receive the greetings from my kids and a handmade flower. However, my mom made a sad remark saying that she did not receive anything in the big family group. I know it is a joke but deep down, I know it is not, but actually, I was on my way to get flowers already with the boys. Thank God. I know it comes with age and I kept on praying that I don't live that long to go through all that. I really do. It is just too tiring some days. 

Woke up at 7 today, but had to stay in bed and Yasir kept on wanting milk. Stayed in till 8, went down and I swept outside, washed the carpet and did work a bit until 9.15. Got ready and took the boys out to Mama's house to get her flowers and we're back home by 11.15. Cooked chicken soup for Yasir's weekly stock and I'm back on the computer to finish up work. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to squeeze in so many things in one go but no one sees it though. Mom don't get it, thinking that I am lazy and all I do is play with my phone. I don't. 

Work has been tough. Bosses have no empathy but I know I am tougher than this. Just no time to be petty about it. 

Mak Long..

Regret is a big word. If I can list down my regret, one of the biggest ones is my relationship with my late aunty that lived in Ampang and that feeling is something that I have to live with, every single day of my entire life. I used to go to her house on a weekly basis, while I was studying in Shah Alam. It was never a question of whether I can go stay there or not, I was always welcome. I'd go there, sleepover there, from my university days up until my earlier working days. Basically, up until I got married and have my own family. I was like one of her daughters, but she never burdened me with anything. She genuinely cared for me and it was just pure love. Up until today, I am still close with her daughters, but I never tell them a tiny little secret. It shall always be a secret between me and my late aunty. She was the happiest person to find out that I was marrying a politician son - always asking me if I need to make new baju kurungs to go for events. Haha. Little did she know, my in laws are not like that. My mom was never keen on the idea of marrying a politician son. I mean, I can't control who I fall for. 

Fast forward to few years later, with family responsibilities, work that was never ending, I made little time to go visit her. She was always on her wheelchair, she wasn't in pain, just disabled but her desire to see the world was greater than anything. Her kids and her sisters made in happen. She still managed to travel the world and enjoy life, in her own ways. 

She passed away on 30 June 2022 and Mom turned 60 the same year, in October. We have planned a big 60th party celebration for her, since all her sisters are around during that time, but we can plan but He has bigger plans. The initial plan was to do it at my new house if we managed to move in on time and by then, she can visit the house as well. Logistically, it was not easy but usually, we will make it happen. We got the house keys in late August, after her passing and she didn't get to see our house. 

What I would do to have her here, at least once.. She would always ask me about my house progress and how nice it will be. I am sorry for not visiting you as much when you're around, I am sorry for not being the best niece in return, but my prayers are always for you and I am trying my best to take care of Mama although, that's the hardest thing to do right now and it is eating me up inside. 

Al- fatihah... 

You can always go back..

As of late, I have been getting weird vivid dreams about my past life in my previous firm. Started off with a dream with the chair lady, I attended a monthly management meeting, and everyone was wondering why I was there since I had left months ago. I replied something along the lines "I had to be here for the very last time". I have no idea why I said that in that dream. Moving along, I met another partner in the firm that I could not stand and lastly, I went to my favorite partner's room, and I shake her hands in the traditional Malay way, I kissed her hand, and I left. Later that day, I brought the whole family for an early dinner with everyone from the firm. In the same dream, I had supper plans with one of my cousins and when we reached the place, there were 3 other cousins and none of them were talking to each other. Weird dream, but it felt so real. 

And last night, I had another dream with my last audit partner, she scolded me for something, and I can't really remember why. Why are all these dreams popping up now? I know that I am not happy at my current place but it wasn't all happy and dandy in audit too. I can't pinpoint what I am missing out now but of course, I truly miss my lunch partner right now. 

Will I go back there? I mean, never say never but at this point, I believe it's a strong no. Late nights, long hours, weekends in the office, crazy workloads, high expectations, but the lessons learnt in between, the people you meet along the way, I'm not going to deny that it was the best times of my life but at this point, I choose my family. 

Am I back?

Fast forward to December 2023 and here I am. This place is definitely dusty, and my writing is beyond rusty. The last post was in April 2017, that was even before I got married and now, I am happily married with 2 cute and perfectly healthy boys. I am going to do this more often. My brain is quite empty after I finally quit PwC. 11 years of pain and joy. The earlier years were more exciting before it went downhill. Life became stable and hectic at the same time. It was all mundane and routine and work became more and more stressful. I'll dive into it later, but for now, here's a picture of the four of us! 

Love, from Jasmin, Thauban, Yusuf and Yasir <3

First of 2017.

Rezeki orang lain-lain. That, you have got to admit, even when it is hard.

Abz

Thinking about how bizarre this experience was. 

Better to be the sensitive October baby than to be the ignorant and oblivious December baby.

Clearly, I have been a very angry person this year, by default.  I don't think I should justify why but perhaps, it will help if I can break it down and find the root of it all. 

Earlier this year, a really close friend of mine got married and I lost my dear friend to her husband. Its not nice for me to say this but in all honesty, this was what I felt right after they got married. I have attachment issues, I know but that was how our friendship works. Being in each other's lives constantly. If she is depressed back then, she will suddenly appear at my office at around 6pm for a chat and a hug. If I am depressed, we will go for a quick dinner, coffee and dessert and I will run back to the office to pull a late nighter. I was used to that, then came the husband. I don't hate him but I guess, I just hate how after being married, she disappeared from my life, like poooof, instantly. Nowadays, there's only phone calls to fill in the gaps when the husband is not around, or at least that's how I feel and I will still pick up and always be there because in my mind, take whatever time that you get. You cannot get rid of the husband but you can still find some time with her. So, that's what I did but now, I feel like things just got worse. Every time that we go out, I have to gauge her mood. I used to look forward to going out with my girlfriends and now, I don't really feel it. If I promise at 8.30, maybe I'll be there at around 9.15, because I will come back with a heartache, rather than a happy heart. I truly felt like I lost a dear friend and because of that, I am an angry person. I thought by getting married, you gained something but for me, I've lost something. Bitter, I really am. 

In the middle of the year, we all found out that my mom had cancer. It was all a blur at that moment, if it was breast cancer stage 1 or stage 2, but still, it was hard to swallow and digest that my mom had cancer. You hear that other people has cancer and you thought that it will never happen to you, then it happened to you and you don't know how to react to it. All is good now, my mom has recovered 99%. There will always be that 1% of it re-occurring again. At that moment, you realised that all you have is God and all you can do is pray that you get to see a better day every day. So, two days ago, someone texted me in the morning, asking me if I was free for breakfast since he was just around the corner. I replied nicely, saying that I was already on my way to work since it was already 8.45 am on a Thursday and maybe you can just drop by the house some other time, bring along your wife and kid, my house is always open for guests. After all, we are all Malaysian and Muslim. Just drop by anytime, the house is always open. Then that person replied with a funny sarcastic tone, that only after a year plus of being married to my friend, then only I have invited them to the house, which shows Kedah hospitality. Bull. I am already bitter, do not add to my bitterness. So here I am thinking, when my mom was sick, you guys didn't make any effort to come and visit anyway and my mom was at the hospital. The door is always open. You wife gave birth, I was there all along. Actually, only two friends came and visited my mom at the hospital, not that I am counting but yeah. One day after my mom got out of her operation, I was forced to go to a friend's engagement, because she wanted to play a match maker there (Failed). I went there, leaving my mom at the hospital, with a heavy heart. Its nice to go to your friend's engagement and be happy for them, but in return, you realised that you don't really have a nice friend after all. Nope, my friend didn't visit my mom after that. It's all about being merry and jolly when it is not. It was then that I made up my mind that we should not be family members, in any way possible. Jodoh is not confirmed but death is. 

Throughout the whole year, I learned a lot about myself and how I realised that my happiness is not equivalent to having a higher post, having a better car, dating someone with a continental car, going out with someone who has a stable job. It was more than that. It was a roller coaster year; started off getting close to someone that I was not supposed to, had the craziest most intense chemistry ever, even being in the filing room together felt like a crime. 

Then it went on to me, realizing that I was still in love with the same old guy (he just texted, as I am typing now), abandoned him in March, totally ignored him the whole entire time by not replying his calls or messages until probably, in June, when he finally called and asked if I am angry at him. I was. I really was angry at that time but as time goes on, my wound got healed. I wasn't anymore. he texted again in October and I guess, we just picked up from where we left. Its so much better now and I am very sure that I don't love him anymore. Someone told me something along the lines of 'If I can't hang out with him, then probably because the feeling is still there, but since I can hang out with him, then maybe it is true that I don't like him anymore'. It felt like I got my closure this time around. 

I just do not want to settle down, just because.

These are only the very few things as to why I am bitter. A lot more. Like how Bear didn't wish me on my birthday but called me up few days later, asking me to pick him up somewhere because he was stranded. Of course I didn't pick him up. Petty childish stuff, but I am an October baby, so I am sensitive liddat. Our friendship has always been weird and volatile back then but never have we missed each other's birthday and this year, we have been talking on good terms. I deserved better than this from him. 

I guess I should learn how to be ignorant and just pick up and only notice the important thing in life. 

It will be a better year next year. I promised. 

Mental war.

“Do not regret a war that has matured you.”

Mental and emotional war that I have been facing with my surroundings. Its a tougher war when you're facing with your own demon self. When your heart says A and your head says B. When your right hand goes to the right side and your left hand goes the other way. When your body can only take so much and your brain keeps on pushing because its all a mental game. 

I used to love coming home, for a short nap, for a spring clean and for a nice bath but now, it feels like I prefer to be out for odd reasons. Even breathing at home, feels like a crime right now. Wishing that I can just drop everything and go off for a holiday, but I remember that with age, comes responsibility. 

Ranting time. 

In a period of less than 30 days, I have never been more puzzled, confused and sad at the same time and actually, it all happened in 7 days. All before I turn 26 this year and the only thing I can remember praying for before turning 26 is that, I want to go to Spain and I want to get married when I hit 26. Spain will happen next year, in sha Allah but the latter one, I have no clue. 

I know that I am not rushing to get married because if I am, probably right now I wouldn't be jotting this down, I will be out having breakfast with my future husband but no, my heart got a hold of things and told my head that this is not it. 

I don't think it is fair for me to just settle down, just for the sake of settling down. What does settling down means anyway? Settle for just about anyone, even when you feel like you deserve better? I am not going against jodoh, nor can I do so but everyone kept on saying that if the right person comes, I would know and I would bring down all the walls I have inside me and meet him half way. I tore down a few walls and I created one small bridge but it felt like I was alone at that bridge and it was at that point that I decided, I deserve more. 

Wish I could have things sorted out by now but I don't. Then came my stupidest decision, to reconcile back with someone that I shouldn't have in the same week. I shouldn't have and I know that. 

Remember why you did it.

Of course I do. Here's the reason why; I wanted to give my father his bragging rights for all that he has done and sacrificed.