Clearly, I have been a very angry person this year, by default. I don't think I should justify why but perhaps, it will help if I can break it down and find the root of it all.
Earlier this year, a really close friend of mine got married and I lost my dear friend to her husband. Its not nice for me to say this but in all honesty, this was what I felt right after they got married. I have attachment issues, I know but that was how our friendship works. Being in each other's lives constantly. If she is depressed back then, she will suddenly appear at my office at around 6pm for a chat and a hug. If I am depressed, we will go for a quick dinner, coffee and dessert and I will run back to the office to pull a late nighter. I was used to that, then came the husband. I don't hate him but I guess, I just hate how after being married, she disappeared from my life, like poooof, instantly. Nowadays, there's only phone calls to fill in the gaps when the husband is not around, or at least that's how I feel and I will still pick up and always be there because in my mind, take whatever time that you get. You cannot get rid of the husband but you can still find some time with her. So, that's what I did but now, I feel like things just got worse. Every time that we go out, I have to gauge her mood. I used to look forward to going out with my girlfriends and now, I don't really feel it. If I promise at 8.30, maybe I'll be there at around 9.15, because I will come back with a heartache, rather than a happy heart. I truly felt like I lost a dear friend and because of that, I am an angry person. I thought by getting married, you gained something but for me, I've lost something. Bitter, I really am.
In the middle of the year, we all found out that my mom had cancer. It was all a blur at that moment, if it was breast cancer stage 1 or stage 2, but still, it was hard to swallow and digest that my mom had cancer. You hear that other people has cancer and you thought that it will never happen to you, then it happened to you and you don't know how to react to it. All is good now, my mom has recovered 99%. There will always be that 1% of it re-occurring again. At that moment, you realised that all you have is God and all you can do is pray that you get to see a better day every day. So, two days ago, someone texted me in the morning, asking me if I was free for breakfast since he was just around the corner. I replied nicely, saying that I was already on my way to work since it was already 8.45 am on a Thursday and maybe you can just drop by the house some other time, bring along your wife and kid, my house is always open for guests. After all, we are all Malaysian and Muslim. Just drop by anytime, the house is always open. Then that person replied with a funny sarcastic tone, that only after a year plus of being married to my friend, then only I have invited them to the house, which shows Kedah hospitality. Bull. I am already bitter, do not add to my bitterness. So here I am thinking, when my mom was sick, you guys didn't make any effort to come and visit anyway and my mom was at the hospital. The door is always open. You wife gave birth, I was there all along. Actually, only two friends came and visited my mom at the hospital, not that I am counting but yeah. One day after my mom got out of her operation, I was forced to go to a friend's engagement, because she wanted to play a match maker there (Failed). I went there, leaving my mom at the hospital, with a heavy heart. Its nice to go to your friend's engagement and be happy for them, but in return, you realised that you don't really have a nice friend after all. Nope, my friend didn't visit my mom after that. It's all about being merry and jolly when it is not. It was then that I made up my mind that we should not be family members, in any way possible. Jodoh is not confirmed but death is.
Throughout the whole year, I learned a lot about myself and how I realised that my happiness is not equivalent to having a higher post, having a better car, dating someone with a continental car, going out with someone who has a stable job. It was more than that. It was a roller coaster year; started off getting close to someone that I was not supposed to, had the craziest most intense chemistry ever, even being in the filing room together felt like a crime.
Then it went on to me, realizing that I was still in love with the same old guy (he just texted, as I am typing now), abandoned him in March, totally ignored him the whole entire time by not replying his calls or messages until probably, in June, when he finally called and asked if I am angry at him. I was. I really was angry at that time but as time goes on, my wound got healed. I wasn't anymore. he texted again in October and I guess, we just picked up from where we left. Its so much better now and I am very sure that I don't love him anymore. Someone told me something along the lines of 'If I can't hang out with him, then probably because the feeling is still there, but since I can hang out with him, then maybe it is true that I don't like him anymore'. It felt like I got my closure this time around.
I just do not want to settle down, just because.
These are only the very few things as to why I am bitter. A lot more. Like how Bear didn't wish me on my birthday but called me up few days later, asking me to pick him up somewhere because he was stranded. Of course I didn't pick him up. Petty childish stuff, but I am an October baby, so I am sensitive liddat. Our friendship has always been weird and volatile back then but never have we missed each other's birthday and this year, we have been talking on good terms. I deserved better than this from him.
I guess I should learn how to be ignorant and just pick up and only notice the important thing in life.
It will be a better year next year. I promised.