2013.

It's that time of the year again, where a long winded post will be written in order to recall and capture what has happened throughout the whole entire year. I like year end post; it's like a cut-off point for you to come up with some lame new year resolutions in hope of being a better person since you left your last year's resolution unfinished. Hehe. But seriously, 2013 has been nothing but challenging in all sort of aspects; life, work, family, friends, time-management and more. Warning ahead, its a long post. 

The hot topic that has been buzzing around right now is about the price hike. I would be lying if I were to say that I am not affected by it because of course, I will be. Monthly salary won't be increased anytime soon and that only means one thing, having to adjust the current lifestyle. I am so not looking forward to 2014, thinking about this and my age; twentyfreakingfive (That's a different topic altogether). Rumour that has been swirling around, said that toll prices will be increased quite a bit and for someone who is living slightly outskirt, I will definitely feel the burden. If only I can take the public transport, I would but of course, my nature of work does not allow me to do so because no LRT station opens at 2am during peak period, no? The petrol prices went up right after the election. Giving 50 dollar note to the petrol station cashier, will only last you for 4 days instead of 7 days, as before this. Times like these, made me wish I had exercised my right as a voter but looking at the current situation, I'm sure I would have voted for the wrong party. Gah, super serious topic. Of course, when you have to pay for your own bills. Ha ha ha. I can still cope, I am paying for one person's living expenses. Just imagine those people with 3 kids and more, earning just as much and living in the city. How do they cope? Makes you want to just do better in life and help them out, in any possible way. Okay okay, I'll cut down on those expensive coffee on a weekly basis. 

And of course, 2013 had a lot of weird things happening in it. I remembered asking two of the closest people around me a random question like "Are you pregnant?" because they were behaving so oddly and they had no clue they were pregnant at all. The next day, both checked (different times) and both told me (separately) that they were pregnant. I think I am a psychic. And of course, those times where my dreams (tido malam) came true and it happened so quickly, I freaked out a bit. Imagine having a dream about your manager being angry at you and suddenly, she called and she was really angry, exactly like in the dream? The dream was practically being enacted and you're actually on your study leave, with no laptop with you at that time? (June 2013) Freaky. It was the same day that I discovered the name of my 2 year old crush. Let's just put it this way, there's a reason why I couldn't find out his name because it gave me heart attack. Same name? No no. Haha

Speaking off the same name, I met you twice this year and we had one deep conversation, which was initiated by you. Awkward, it was not because you would always bring up the topic in any possible way that you could but its just one of those things that I will never understand because I made it pretty clear, I laid out my feelings on the floor, on the paper and on the digital space. Your words, not mine, "We have gone through a lot, together." (September 2013) I know, of course I know but please allow me to move on peacefully because we both know if things were rewind, I am still not your chosen one, so why bother in the first place? If you were to ask me a year ago about all this, if you were still the one for me at the end of the day, I would be the happiest girl alive but now, not anymore. Things change and people change.

2013 was also about engagements, weddings and  more weddings. Weddings meant a whole new world to the lovebirds but for the guests, it meant gatherings! Seeing everyone living their own life and catching up with each other was nice. Trust me, more coming in 2014. Pressure is up? I guess so but look at the paragraph above, progress is quite slow ?! Hahaha

2013 also witnessed my biggest fear and my slow progress in my career life. Previous posts have always been about work lately because work consumed you. Or in my case, work consumed me but I chose my path and as for now, I should stick to it. Truly, I returned back to the old firm with one goal; to learn as much as possible because I know my technical skill is so poor. Now, for 2014, I will change my goal; to find my partner in life ( Ha ha ha) because when your intention is right, you will get what you want. As the year kicked off, I started the hardest task with the toughest engagement to date. The job scope that I got was super hard and I still hated them up to this day; payroll and accruals. To make things worse, I was freaking scared of the senior at that time. To the others, she was the most helpful, most relaxed, most efficient, kindhearted, most hardworking, funny, cool and extremely patient but for me, at the beginning, she was just a workaholic monster that every time she uttered a word, my whole world crumbled, my face turned white and I started to tremble. It was so bad that every time I talk to her, my head went haywire, I can't even understand a single word like "Makan" or even "Balik". Day in and day out in January, I would start my day with tonnes of Zikir and prayers just so that I would survive the long hours. Since the team was really close, they had fun at work, while I, suffered.  Even during weekends, I would still be pale just thinking about her, reviewing my work. It doesn't actually help that I am actually slow in learning and digesting anything that she taught me but somehow along the way, she never did give up on me. I will never understand why she never did because if I were given an associate like me, I, as the senior would have just quit. To say that she is patient would actually be an understatement. She would take time to really coach me from 8 pm to 2 am for two days, just on my favourite topic; accruals. As Day 1 failed, we moved on to Day 2. Looking back, I don't think anyone else would have that much patience and tolerance to deal with me but she still pursued on, continued coaching and never did give up, although both of us were so sleepy and tired at that time. My parents wanted me to quit right after this engagement but somehow, I told them "If the manager is willing to sacrifice her hours to teach me up until late night the least I can do is to stay on and apply whatever that she has taught me," I know I am slow learner and if I cannot perform my task excellently perhaps I can just show her that I am willing to learn and tackle whatever that is thrown my way. Somehow, my trick worked. As I said earlier, she's a workaholic (insert Whatssap monkey emoticon) , which means that sometimes, she would work long hours even on a Friday and at times, I would stay back with her. There was this one time, while I was still in the shivering/pale mode of talking to her, I accompanied her in the orange building till 12 pm because she wanted to do work and I was the one holding the key. The room was quiet and little words were exchanged in between. Somewhat, it was rather awkward and it really felt like I was this small associate with this very intimidating boss. I wonder what I was doing at that time. Haha. Probably pretending to be answering some of her review notes, when I should have gone back and sleep but remember the key, I have to show my eagerness. It's not so much about wanting to kiss your boss' ass or such, but it was more about looking for ways to make up for your weakness. I suppose, when you can't score on the IQ, you tackle the EQ? Haha. Later on, after 2 months of long working hours and I have slowly showed her the extremely stupid and playful side of me, she requested that I help her for her next engagements and it continued to the third and the fourth one. To be honest, she is just as playful but of course, more serious and mature than  me. Practically, I was under her for the next one year. So, imagine the transition around from I-am-so-scared-of-my-boss to Boss-can-you-buy-me-my-hair-conditioner-and-hair-serum-if-you-ever-go-to-Boots? kind of relationship. To be honest, she talks like my mother, even the sarcasm is the same  but her patience level is so much higher. Now, I see what everyone sees in her; the most coolest, hardworking, patient, helpful, kind-hearted manager I will ever work with. Ever. She will still scream, smack me with her long ruler, shout at me, ask me 10 zillions questions about audit that I can never answer but at least, now my face won't turn pale, my body doesn't shiver, my hands don't tremble anymore but I still won't be able to answer her 10 zillions question. Probably only 2% of it will be correct, if I ever answer :P The main point is, I got over my fear of a human being. Haha. I will always respect and adore her, more than just a manager because she never did give up on me, even when she should and I hope you will never read this because if you ever do, I will have to hide my face. Sincerely, your escort. Bleargh. Haha

I came back into the same engagement, 12 months later and the rest of the team expressed how much I have improved and its amazing how I am still around because they said I was among those who made a  public declaration that I wanted to quit but along the conversation, they dropped a pretty hurtful line, saying that at one point, I was slacking at work, they were not even sure if they should confirm me as a permanent staff. It was that bad, it wasn't even funny. That was quite painful but if I were to see it from an optimistic point of view, I have improved a lot. I should be proud of that. The silver lining in everything that you do but if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that work is not everything. Once you get off from work, work should stop right there. You go back home, you should sleep and not think about work. Family do come first and of course, your health and happiness. 

Other than that, I passed my P2 paper after the second sitting. Weee! I have to admit, I focused more on the worldly matter and I neglected the spiritual part of my life. I blamed it on work but someone told me later in the Afterlife, I can't answer God saying that I had work to do right? I kept on delaying my thoughts, it became a chore instead of a daily routine. I guess those are the little things that I need to pick up in 2014. My sister is leaving for the States in January. Life will be dull after that. I should focus on pleasing my parents more, prioritize on what's important. Life is hard if you make it hard. Have a splendid new year celebration, everyone!

Who knows?

                                                'Know what you want, in order to be happy'

Simple. I want to get married by the time I turned 26 years old. Dear God, please prep me up, so that I am ready to get married and actually be married when I turn 26. That is one. Number two. I want a stable life, not like the one I am living now, whereby I jump from one house to the next, based on where my client is. It's not fun and I honestly have lost my sense of stability. It'd be awesome if I can sleep in  my own double bed, with my yellow comforter with my own pillows, on a daily basis. Having my own shower in my own room, cursing at my own trash and mess instead of picking up other people's mess. The third one, it will be to have a job that I look forward to, every day. I wake up just fine every day, with some sense of responsibility, knowing that I have to get my job done but I don't know if I am doing it with a smile or am I doing it while I am cursing. I will always be forever thankful that I am working with really helpful, awesome people, who makes life bearable. Team mates that are always around when I need help, a boss that is forever understanding, knowing how slow I can be and yet, tolerate my silliness but somehow, at the end of the day, you tend to ask if you are actually doing this for your self or to please others? The answer will always be the latter one, which is to please others. I know what I want. I want to learn but its a steep learning curve. You ought to stumble once in a while but in my case, it has always been a struggle and I stumble more than anyone else but why am I still there, beats me. I don't know. God knows. In terms of material things, sure I want new handbags, new shoes, new jeans and more but you know, those things are only material possession. It makes you look pretty on the outside but it doesn't feed you in the inside. Note the miserable tone of this post. Peak season is starting. You tend to appreciate life more, when you have free time. Actually, I don't but you'd rather crack your tiny brain, trying to create a sentence here, rather than typing out on those Excel sheets, with Arial size font of 8 with pink coloured squares and thick borders outlining it. Little anal things that auditors do. Oh yes, post about my one year old journey. That shall be up soon. When I can finally breathe a bit.

Lost.

As of now, I can deal with a lot of things but I don't think I can ever deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen next. Then the word 'redha' and 'tawakal' step in. Time to really have faith and hope for God's best plan for you.

Colour inside the borderline.

Someone from Twitter gave this awesome possum link, Humans of New York. When I am running out of inspiration to live by on a daily basis, this is my go-to web. 

But seeing all these people living their life oh-so-carefreely, with no restrictions, makes me feel tad bit depressed. Never will I have those courage to do something out of the box and risking my whole life away. Perhaps, I have been brought up in a way that I should always colour inside the line, never exceed the line. 

I think I should start something new. Maybe by gardening, I'll be happier. Or I should write more often. Pen down my thoughts daily. I used to do that. Then came this one simple word that destroyed my life. Responsibility. I thought that I should run.

Hilary Duff got that running shoes and what did I do? I bought the same shoes(almost but I think Malaysia might have an improvised version of it), hoping that I will have the same determination to run.

So far, I took my stripey baby out for only a few times in the morning and once in the evening. Running makes me feel fitter but it does not make me feel better. My satisfaction comes from sweeping and mopping, still. The thought of cleaning the dust, hair and cockroaches away can put me to sleep at night, with a smile. 

SHR

It was a month ago since I last blogged about, basically nothing much. A lot of things have been going on but I just don't see the point of me jotting down each and every details of every event simply because.. but then I do remember the feeling of reading each post with details of past events. Sure you'll remember that you went to that particular place but probably, you will not remember the details of it. Hence, I think I should go back to the reason why this blog is being created; for me to capture my feelings at that particular time.

As of now, the feeling is rimas and lemas because I went for a jog and I just did the house chores (except cooking. Let's just leave that to the expert) and I haven't taken my shower. Too much information? Hahaha I thought I have to capture everything? Raya was of course, just like any other Raya with less excitement. Year to year, the excitement kind of dies down a bit. That's normal I guess after having tonnes of discussions with everyone. The only difference this year was that, I gave out duit raya, instead of receiving them. To be honest, it felt better to be on this side, even though you know your money is flowing out, instead of flowing in but its about time. After 23 years of getting duit raya, its about time to give back. And, it is true that the value inside of the packet is not as important as the thought of giving them. Our trick is to combine our duit raya, so that it'll look like as if we are giving out lots. Hahah

Team bagi duit raya !

Apart from that, it was my first time of celebrating Ramadhan and Syawal as someone who works now. To be going to work during fasting month is actually tiring because you get up at 5 am daily and preferably, you don't go back to sleep afterwards. That is actually very early, if you're used to waking up slightly later, like moi. And to top it off, its not like you get to go to bed anytime earlier anyway. Even your walking pace slowed down during puasa, or is it just me. You're not as energetic as usual but somehow, you are not hungry. Haha okay this is like a 5 year old blog, trying to capture her first moment of fasting :P 

Crap, what else to update? How's life? Progressing well I suppose. Mom says I have not moved on. I say "Mom, yes I have moved on" and the conversation goes.. Krik krik krik... I am still living like a nomad. One week in Ampang, one week in Damansara and weekends in Bangi. Less outing these days because at the end of the day, all you want to is sleep! I have been working for 11 months today! *throws confetti!!* Who would have believed that? Such an achievement and I will definitely update the big milestone, when it reaches 12 months :)

And oh, the biggest news for this month. I passed my freaking P2 paper. Alhamdulillah! Finally! Hehe. After the second attempt, it was a success. I passed borderline but who cares? I passed. Haha and that's all that matters. My boss asked me to go for Accounting classes to fix my brain on Accruals because if there's one thing that can make me cry, it would be accruals. Haha the deal was that if I fail my exam, then I would go for Accounting classes, willingly but since I passed, then the deal is off. Haha. Life goes on as usual, I can sit for another paper :)

That's all the updates for now :) Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin.

Cluttered thoughts.

Stumbled across this picture on Mama's laptop, while I was trying to play bubble spinner. Its actually really hard to gather the four (plus one) of us, for one picture. 

June!

And so, there is actually a non peak season for auditors or maybe, for junior associates like me, who is assigned to do smaller jobs. It was in this month that I booked a longer leave to study, go for a holiday and just chill. Oh well, that was the initial plan, only my planning sucked a bit. I was supposed to study, sit for my exam and then go for my holiday but instead, I went for my holiday, studied for my exam and sat for it, while trying not to cry because basically, I did not really study and this is a paper that I have flunked the other day. So, you get the whole picture. I thought I was a super woman, when I am not even one fifth of a stable girl. Haha. Started the month with a bang, as my flight to Melbourne was on the first of June. It has been a while since I last traveled with my mother and my sister. It was definitely easier in terms of ehem, financially of course :P but now that I am working, its quite embarrassing to ask money from my mother, even when I am traveling. All in all, it was a very relaxed trip, where we were never in a rush, we get to sit down, have brisk walks and have coffee at any convenient time. I love their coffee culture, where each nook and corner will have its own cafes. Hands down, the best coffee of all time was the very first latte that I had at the italian restaurant named, Toro at Lygon Street. It was just nice! And strong as well. Other than that, the koala, birds and kangaroo were fine. They looked like...animals, I guess. Mom shouted at me for not wanting to feed the kangaroo. I am scared of it, okay. Later, when we came back home, I googled if there's such a thing like fear of animals and there is. ZOOPHOBIA. At least, now I can safely say that I have been to the zoo and I came out alive !! Shopping in Australia was alright, nothing much to buy because it was quite pricey. They kept on insisting that we should not convert because if I were to convert dollar to dollar, the things there are quite cheap. News flash I don't earn in Aussie Dollar, of course I'll convert. Haha. But I managed to find that one thing that I wanted the most, which is the zebra print flats and that was cheap. I should have bought two pairs of the same pattern. Seriously.

It was actually a very relaxed trip, up until I got a Viber message from my current manager asking to come back to work to settle some stuff that just came up, abruptly. Sorry but seriously, I thought it was just not appropriate as those things came up suddenly and it can be settled when I'm back, just according to date that I've planned. That was quite disturbing and I felt bad at the same time. Work, haih. And so, I thought that's the end of my work problem right.. until another problem came along and that will be posted a separate post. Haha. 

As for the end of June, I went for another holiday with my batch mates from my firm. It was just a short trip but it was a much needed trip for all of us. We all went to Port Dickson for one night, where all 200 hundred of us stayed there for one night. Imagine going for a holiday, with only people around your age, with no seniors, managers and partners? Hahaha but actually, going with my previous team will be fun as well. Food was great, the games were alright but the scenery was really breathtaking. Now, I bet everyone will think that we are all ready and rejuvenated to go to work. Ha ha ha. The month of June, has been great !

To Melbourne, we go !

 

 And so, I conquered my fears!

 

Father.

My father is a very simple man. He doesn't say much, doesn't do much, doesn't eat much, doesn't complain much and above all, he's very conservative yet very open. I hardly write about my father because.. All of the above.. Hehe.. When we were growing up, there was never really anything to talk about unless for those necessary thing such as asking for money, asking him to pick me up from tuition or school and stuffs. Now that I am older and finally working, we can talk a bit more now. Conversation can go as far as the business market that I pretend to know about when I am actually clueless, this so and so who works here and there and such but of course, he is still my number one ATM machine. I definitely respect and appreciate my parents moreeeee now that I am working because they hardly say no to anything that we asked for. Wish I could write more here but typing on the phone sucks. I just wanna wish Happy Fathers Day to the best father I have, the one who will call me 1000000 times for getting a parking ticket, the one that will bail me out from any trouble, the one that will back me up when I fight with Mama hehe, the one that loves car but doesn't want to drive it, the one who doesn't eat dinner because he doesn't wanna get fat and the one that inspires me to do better in life, even when he doesn't say much. I love you, Pa. Such a loser. I don't hv much picture with my dad but this will do. The best parents in the world :'*

Necessity.

This is going nowhere. Maybe. Time flies these days. I wish it would just move gracefully. In need of time to process what had happened, what is happening and what will happen but time waits for no man. That is a saying that we should always hold on to. I check my phone these days, to see what is happening on the virtual world when actually, life itself is happening in front of me. Sometimes, you really don't appreciate what you have in front of you, till it's gone. I didn't put on my deep mode thinking cap, it was just a moment when something clicked and I know what I want. I want my life to be away from your circle of friends. Maybe I am still in a confusing mode, trying to solve a puzzle with a missing piece. Each day of my life has been about me, convincing myself that the missing piece is not actually missing but somehow it is hidden or it has turned into a camouflage, making the object that I want visible but momentarily, it is harder to locate in those form. I told you, this is going nowhere. In need of  a holiday, to go elsewhere where my sights will be seeing green, rather than gray. The colour in between. Being 24 sucks, although it is my favourite number.

Today, I feel appreciated because this was sent to the Whatsapp group.

If only the post-it notes were bigger, then maybe I can tell you how glad I am to be under your invisible wing, though I may be playful and clumsy, all the time.

Lifeless.

 

Those rare nights, where you take a step back and snap a mental picture of your surroundings or in this case, you take your phone out from your handbag to capture this moment. I was walking out of the LRT station in Dang Wangi on a Friday night, when I decided to pretend like as if I was walking out of Canary Wharf, a major business district in London. The only thing missing was my cup of Costa. It was on this night, where we hung out, had a few puffs of shisha, some hummus, chicken wings, and one striking question was asked across the dinner table. 

"What is life to you?" 

Or some sort of a similar question was asked.

I really have no idea. 

Life is about being happy and content, without the need to be perfect at all times. 

That's what I thought, at first but then again, to be honest, I am not that happy right now. I am not saying that I am miserable as well. I am just trying to be content with what I have and reducing my wants because I know what I have now is sufficient. 

It is those little things in life that adds up to the big picture. 

I am searching, still for that day to come where I can say that I am perfectly happy with my life. 

Probably, as I go older, I will find what I need. 

As for now, my answer is, I try to find happiness in those little things in life, 

even if the little things mean, by pretending to be at Canary Wharf while holding a cup of Costa, 

when in actual fact, I am walking in Dang Wangi while holding a can of Nescafe. 

That miserable week.

It has been a while since a dream really meant something. To wake up with a nightmare is a relief, rather than to wake up with having thoughts of you. J.K Rowling once said “Thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else,” How random it is for me to be quoting J.K Rowling, an author that I don’t really fancy because her art is somewhat too deep and too brilliant, that I don’t really understand but for that one line, I do get it.

Back to that Wednesday night when you made an appearance in my dream, it was not a dream where you came and showed yourself up, physically. It was just your voice, whispering something significant and leaving me in this miserable state, not knowing how to react to it. That blurry line that you created, as blurry as it is, it is still crystal clear to me. Last week, I had a crazy haywire week and with this dream that came along, it became a burden rather than something that I should be happy about. Everything turned upside down, in the last week of March; I thought the world is going against me.

It started off when I lost Ines' phone during the Demi Lovato concert on Friday night. It happened in a split second. Continously, I was being paranoid on Monday, thinking that I did not switch off the iron. Hence, clumsy me had to go back to Bangi from KL Sentral after 5 minutes of settling down at the office. The iron was switched off, perfectly. The next day, I woke up late at about 7.21am and I performed my morning prayers as usual, or how they would say “Subuh Gajah”. The only thing is, I prayed 3 rakaat, instead of just 2 rakaat. I was in a trance state of mind, perhaps. Later at work, I was telling my Chinese colleague about it and her reply was too funny. “Isn’t it good that you prayed more? You should just bow 2 times but you bowed 3 times?” Hahaha how do I explain that it doesn’t work that way. On that same particular day, I lost my parking ticket. For the past 6 months that I have been working, I’ve never lost my parking ticket or make that, for the past 23 years of my existence, I have never lost a parking ticket but of course, there’s always a first time for everything. The week proceeded as usual, until Friday, when I left half of my purchase at the groceries store at a shop in TTDI and I only realized it, on Saturday morning when my chicken drummets went missing. Just typing it out tires me out, imagine having to go through it and feeling freaking miserable about it. On top of that, I had to pretend that I am A-Okay at work but of course I was not. Imagine, sitting next to your boss, nodding to every word that she said, acting like you can comprehend the debit credit part of accounting when you have no idea what’s going on because your mind was not there but instead, it went to Shah Alam. The pen that you’re holding dropped and your boss went “Min, Min.” Quite funny, now when I look back at it but it needs some kind of a special power for another human being to handle me these days. If it’s a male, he needs to be a superman. If it’s a female, she needs to be like... My mother. Hahaha. So, how did I fix my week? I ditched work, the whole weekend and spent quality time with those that matters and I picked up the phone to call you up. Not only that it needed courage for me to that but I had to be sane as well. I think I am, for me to be talking to you for half an hour. I should be alright and come what may, I’ll be okay.

An old post.

"In checkered sarong, you came. You pulled a chair and lit up a cigarette.  You started chatting with my friends, who were once your circle of friends too. I sat there, trying to snap a mental picture for my own keepsake. Not every detail is worth to remember but this night, this one particular night happened, unintentionally. I barely talked to you, I was happier that way. It was a nice feeling knowing that you can talk to my friends like normal again, just as casual as before but this time, we stand on our own feet. Your foot was not resting on mine and my hands were not on your thigh. We were two separate entities. Not that we were ever as one. We barely made it there. Somehow, out of all the nights that we’ve hung out after everything has happened, this night bothers me, a lot. The feeling of normality and conformity suits the atmosphere of the night. I wonder what you were thinking that night. My mind went blank. I needed as much space as I could to store all the memories I could gather that night. I love seeing you with my friends. I feel like I am finally at home, with you."

Mercy.

I suppose, it's about time that I update about my work now since it a few days time, I'll hit my 6 months mile stone in audit. That is something, considering how much I hated it in the first few months. I don't hate it as much now, the feeling is just neutral. To be honest, I found the thing that I was so scared of and it was my manager. Ha ha ha. I don't know what happened along the way, maybe it was the my parent's prayers, God's mercy on me and so much more, that everything changed. Take note, I still think that audit is not for me but at least, work became bearable because of the people around it. No doubt, the nature of the work is still so hard for me. I've never done it in real life, ni pulak kan nak check keje orang. Anyway, I still feel like I'm the problematic associate. Haha I do the stupidest thing that anyone can do. For example, I can go into a meeting of 4 people, where everyone is staring at each other's eyes, and suddenly, my pen was running out of ink at the beginning of it. I swear these little things are so not funny at that particular moment but looking back at it now, my God..... 

Anyway, all I'm saying is,  I am still alive. That's all. Too sleepy to write an essay!

Pain in all forms.

Wishing that I was a little kid, again who only recognizes fun, laughter and physical pain if I ever fall down.

Physical pain is easily cured but not emotional and mental pain.

I wonder if I ever did recover from one of those intangible pain?

Because sometimes, when I look back and I flip through those memories,

I don't remember what had happened but somehow, I remember what I felt. 

A baby, no more.

Growing up, my brother and I were never that close as we have a 4 year old gap in between us. 4 years is not that much but I guess, we are just so different while growing up. I remember calling him Adam when we were younger until my aunty said, "He's your big brother. Call him Abang Adam". So I did call him Abang Adam until of course, now it became Abdam. As we grow older, I moved to Shah Alam and at that time, he was living in Subang, we were forced to be close to each other. We were forced to talk to each other. He would pick me up from my college and send me back to my aunty's place in Ampang, then we would go out for dinner or lunch. He would call me once in a while to check on me. I will call him up for money or my free ticket. Haha. What else can a little sister do to his big brother? Ask for things and bug him, always. 

 He will always tell me all his girl problems, never about work and I will always listen and just gave him a straight up answer that he probably never want to hear but somehow, I never tell him who am I going out with or anything.  I wonder why.. Things have changed and he's getting married in about 6 more days. I know I will not lose him as  a brother but after this, I cannot be mad at him if he prioritizes the wife, over the sister. Its a tad bit emotional thinking about it actually. So, my brother is getting married soon. Boo hoo. Wait, I'm living with him after this. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. 

Last time having dinner with the cousins before he gets married. 

My first peak period.

My father does not say much on a daily basis. Our phone calls are those calls that are just so awkward and weird. He will call for important things and maybe once or twice, when he really misses me but I always take his words seriously. I am so miserable right now because of work and he knows it, through my daily conversation with my mother. I was at the verge of breaking down, that on one night, I felt so freaking miserable that I went to sleep, crying. The pressure was too much, I don't think I can handle it. At that time, I called my mother and I just cried my heart out. First thing that my mother did the next day was, she took the afternoon flight to KL, just to check on me but before she board the plane, my father said "Ask Min to quit her job," My mother told me that and she added, "That's not a suggestion, that's an order" 

I am as miserable as fuck. I swear I am. Shouldn't I be happy to wake up in the morning? I should thank God for another day in this wonderful life but instead, its another miserable and long day, ahead of me. Usually, that's how I feel in the morning, but as the day unfolds itself, my day gets better actually. During the day, I will get my momentum going but of course, in the middle of it, I stumbled and I find it hard to get up again. For every problem, there must be a solution. That's what I tell myself but for me to settle my problem, I have to face it the boss, which indirectly shows my incompetency and stupidity, which I am totally fine but somehow, working comes in a package of 'Stress and Expectation'. 

I am slow, I admit. Everyone around me keeps on saying, accounting is a routine. I do agree on that but a routine is something that you do repeatedly. I have never done it before. So, technically, its not a routine for me. As of now, I feel like I am the problematic associate, or wait, I am the problematic associate. It feels like I am stuck in the wrong job. Perhaps I am. Its a rare chance that you will love your first job, instantly but you can certainly know when it is the wrong one. Someone said 'I think auditing is not for you, maybe you should try something else. You know, not being able to do audit is not the end of the world' True. I second every word of that sentence but this is my first real engagement, how do I know that the next engagement will not be as hard as this? How do I know that it is not my cup of tea during my first engagement? It's too soon to tell. 

I remember having a really hard time when I was in my last year of Diploma because we had too many subjects and at one point, I cannot cope with it but I stayed on and finished it. I wonder if that's the same case as this one. I have so many things to say right now but my mind is somehow fucked and screwed because a file decided to corrupt itself and I can't find it in my local copy in my laptop. Life is great, too great sometimes but whatever it is, Mom said, hold on to God. In times of despair and uncertainty, turn to him and he will guide you throughout the way. I shall hold on to that.

Goodnight everyone. Don't join audit. 

Jumping from 23 to 24.

Just when I thought that turning 23 years old was a big thing, then come another year added to the number and of course, the number becomes greater, the pressure becomes higher and of course, your responsibility increases as well. I'll be 24 years old next year and my life is totally opposite from what I had imagined when I was 10 years old. If there was any memory that I tried my best to hold on to when I was in my primary school, it would be this one where it was a decent conversation that we had at the school canteen when I was 10 years old with Sharifah, Shakirah and Maisara. The conversation triggered when one of them said  something like 'When we grow up, in our early 20s we should live together. At least, we will always be together'. Back then, everyone was looking forward to growing up as fast as possible, wanting to leave our parents house, with dreams of making it big on our own, when little that we know, life is not that easy, not that simple. Everyone is living separately, scattered all around the nation but I know for sure that we will always have each other's back. 2012, shall be categorized as the experimental year, where I experienced things that I never thought I ever wanted to and I never thought I could.

In January, after four and a half year journey with my friends, I finally sat for  my last exam as a Degree student, with bittersweet feelings. No one wanted to leave the comfort zone of being a student. Looking back, our university life was actually easy. Our parents provided us with cars, endless amount of money whenever is needed, scholarships, a house and there was never a moment where we had to live in hunger or starve ourselves to sleep. All we had to do was study ;') To pack and leave the house was easy but to leave the housemates and memories, was not. And then, came the Dinner with the Wedding theme. Mom really did put in effort for my dinner attire to make sure that I was not wearing anything revealing and sexy this time around. Hahaha. Thank you, Mother :) And, not to forget our epic performance that night. Gosh, how did we pull it off? Dancing for a good 15 minutes in front of the VC and the whole crowd, that was really something worth remembering. Good times, that we had but of course, the end of my university life means, the start of all the uncertainty. I was puzzled, not knowing what I wanted in life. To pursue my ACCA full time or to just start working and pursue my ACCA as a part time student?

In February, my best friend lost her father. Thank God, I was in Kedah when everything happened and I tried my best to be there for her and her family. No one can ever be prepared or be fully prepared in facing death but no one can escape it, either. That was when I started to remind myself, to always remember about death because it can happen anytime, anywhere. During that time, I was facing with 3 funerals as well, as two of my uncles passed away as well. Al-Fatihah... It was in this month, when I stumbled upon a lot of signs, leaving me puzzled about a few things. You appeared, during my every thoughts of you. It was rather scary and it haunted my every move. We were never meant to be together right, so why did you show up in times when I needed to see you?

In March, it was time to use my last free ticket as a student. I chose London again, to redeem the promise that I had made with Hannah. London was beautiful as always but with its unpredictable weather, it made me miserable. For someone who has wanted to study abroad, London would have been the correct place because it is the right place for to do ACCA but for some reason, I just couldn't wait to go back to Malaysia. It felt right. Maybe because I've been through too much of death at that time, I can't bear the thoughts of being away from my family, if anything happens again. Shallow thinking, maybe but I can't help it but to think, too much. The first thing that I did when I came back home was to enrol myself in UiTM, again but this time, to do my professional papers,

In April, classes started as usual but I had all the free time in the world. From being a student who attended classes from 8.30am to 6.30pm, to only 4 or 5 classes per week, I was really bored. Precious time wasted and money too, I was too bored so I applied for a job. (Now as I am typing this, a tiny bit of regret starts to surface...) To be honest, I applied for a few jobs; one as a Management Trainee under Human Resource, one as an Finance Executive at a local bank and one as an Auditor. I thought I should do something that will compliment my professional papers, hence that's why I became an auditor. It was at that time, that I knew that looking for a job is not easy, especially when you have no experience, hence one cannot be picky in choosing a job. So I made a promise to myself that when the  month of September steps in, I'll just close my eyes and just work. Ahhhh. Wrong move?

In May, I had my convocation and of course, my parents and my friends came. Frankly, I was quite disappointed with myself because I fooled around during my Degree and of course, I didn't graduate with a first class degree. My parents were not excited to come to my convocation but they still came with balloons and flowers. The sad part of this is knowing that I could have made them happy if I were to study more, a bit but nonetheless, I vowed to pass my ACCA papers in one go. And oh, it was in this month where I was supposed to submit my working contract but I did not read it properly, so I did not send it before the stipulated date. At that time, I was already questioning my decision whether if its the correct decision. Was that a sign from God telling me not to take the job? Lol lol. 

In June, the library became our second home as everyone was busy preparing for the exam. We went to the library early in the morning and left only after midnight for three weeks. No one knew how to tackle the questions, how to allocate our time and how to actually answer the question but a junior gave us the best advice. He said that no matter how clueless you are, just don't stop writing and put down your pen. Just continue writing even if it doesn't make sense because at the end of the day, its the examiner that will decide whether it is right or wrong but at least, you wrote something. I also made a stupid rule, to not go and see you until I am done with my paper, so that I will not jinx it and right after that, you were the first person that I saw. Hmmmm.

In July, during my short break, my parents were contemplating whether or not I should perform the endoscopy procedure because my stomach was really bad at that time, but alhamdulillah with lots of Vitagen and fiber intake, everything is so much better now. Hehe. Its really not funny when you're sick and that's when you really wish that you had taken a better care of your body and it was at this time, when I changed my status from a full time student to a part time student, for real. I didn't know whether I was ready or not but I knew I had to be ready. To just kill the ample time that I had, I would still go to the full time classes and that was when I knew that I was not ready to work, because I know peanuts about accounting, especially the technical side of it.

In August, it was my last Hari Raya as a student, it was my last hope to get duit raya and I have to say, it was satisfying! Hahaha so, next year will be my first time of giving duit raya, will update on how it goes :) My results came out on this month as well and it was just satisfying as my duit raya. Hehe. I thought I would fail, hence I wanted to work but turned out, I didn't fail :)

In September, came the month that I was never excited about. Thinking about it gave me nightmares, sweaty palms and more. Then at one point, I was thinking too much about it, I just went in with a open heart. Since I did my internship at the same place, I knew how it was going to be like and suddenly, flash back of memories of the days that I never wanted to wake up and go to work. Bad memories were pushed aside, come 18th of September I showed up to work, with new spirit. Hehe. During the early days, it was the best times because we only had trainings and of course, free coffee and free food. It was always delicious and fattening!! And it was also during training that I found auditing really hard and the concept is really is complex and confusing... And oh, work means its time for me to cover up! And and, it was in September that I last saw you and within that 8 hours of time spent together, I moved on, even it it doesn't sound possible but I did. It was in September that many left to pursue their Masters in the UK :(

In October, my first engagement started and I was new to everything. I learned, I studied and I explored new sides of accounting. My job was actually really relaxed and quite laid-back. It was just a small team of three and everyone got along well. Work was going along just fine but to juggle work, studies and social life was troublesome. Its not possible to push family and friends aside, not that I wanted to but its all about priorities. Weekends meant its time to study but when your parents are in town, it meant something else. I carried my books everywhere, it became such a burden, especially when the book was not even flipped open most of times. Its all about adjusting and I am still at the adjustment stage until now.

In November,  I went into a new engagement. It was different. Somehow, the pressure was really high. Learning had to be done faster, I could barely catch up. That's when I knew I was really slow because looking back, I didn't really do much. Haha. It was all about a  steep learning curve. Learning and adapting. I thought I was the worst in the bunch to have cried and wept over small matter but a senior told me, she vomited, cried and had fever during her first month working and after that, I felt normal again. Hahaha. The one thing that I need to work on is actually my memory. I should remember the details by heart and swallow it!

In December, I got my 10 days break due to my study leave. It was partly heaven, partly hell. For the first few days, it was not easy to make your mind focus on study especially when work keeps on popping up, every morning right before you leave for the library. It was heaven when my time was scheduled based on my own time table. I can go out anytime that I want, I can go back at anytime that I want. Hell, because the exam was too tough. As much as I don't want to be in denial, 10 days is not enough. Of course you need more than that. If I were to fail my exam,I would just go and sit for the exam again with an open heart. Once, someone asked me, how was your exam and I said, I think I failed my exam and so, I'll sit for it again in June June sitting and the person said, 'Oh you're so pessimistic' I thought I'm being all optimistic by embracing my future failure and being all open minded about it? Not apparently. Maybe time to change my mindset and be all optimistic for 2013.

Like I said, 2012 was the experimental year, where I tried many new things and 2013 will be just the same.