Day to day

 It's Mother's Day today. I personally don't expect anything from my husband, but it was nice to receive the greetings from my kids and a handmade flower. However, my mom made a sad remark saying that she did not receive anything in the big family group. I know it is a joke but deep down, I know it is not, but actually, I was on my way to get flowers already with the boys. Thank God. I know it comes with age and I kept on praying that I don't live that long to go through all that. I really do. It is just too tiring some days. 

Woke up at 7 today, but had to stay in bed and Yasir kept on wanting milk. Stayed in till 8, went down and I swept outside, washed the carpet and did work a bit until 9.15. Got ready and took the boys out to Mama's house to get her flowers and we're back home by 11.15. Cooked chicken soup for Yasir's weekly stock and I'm back on the computer to finish up work. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to squeeze in so many things in one go but no one sees it though. Mom don't get it, thinking that I am lazy and all I do is play with my phone. I don't. 

Work has been tough. Bosses have no empathy but I know I am tougher than this. Just no time to be petty about it. 

Mak Long..

Regret is a big word. If I can list down my regret, one of the biggest ones is my relationship with my late aunty that lived in Ampang and that feeling is something that I have to live with, every single day of my entire life. I used to go to her house on a weekly basis, while I was studying in Shah Alam. It was never a question of whether I can go stay there or not, I was always welcome. I'd go there, sleepover there, from my university days up until my earlier working days. Basically, up until I got married and have my own family. I was like one of her daughters, but she never burdened me with anything. She genuinely cared for me and it was just pure love. Up until today, I am still close with her daughters, but I never tell them a tiny little secret. It shall always be a secret between me and my late aunty. She was the happiest person to find out that I was marrying a politician son - always asking me if I need to make new baju kurungs to go for events. Haha. Little did she know, my in laws are not like that. My mom was never keen on the idea of marrying a politician son. I mean, I can't control who I fall for. 

Fast forward to few years later, with family responsibilities, work that was never ending, I made little time to go visit her. She was always on her wheelchair, she wasn't in pain, just disabled but her desire to see the world was greater than anything. Her kids and her sisters made in happen. She still managed to travel the world and enjoy life, in her own ways. 

She passed away on 30 June 2022 and Mom turned 60 the same year, in October. We have planned a big 60th party celebration for her, since all her sisters are around during that time, but we can plan but He has bigger plans. The initial plan was to do it at my new house if we managed to move in on time and by then, she can visit the house as well. Logistically, it was not easy but usually, we will make it happen. We got the house keys in late August, after her passing and she didn't get to see our house. 

What I would do to have her here, at least once.. She would always ask me about my house progress and how nice it will be. I am sorry for not visiting you as much when you're around, I am sorry for not being the best niece in return, but my prayers are always for you and I am trying my best to take care of Mama although, that's the hardest thing to do right now and it is eating me up inside. 

Al- fatihah... 

You can always go back..

As of late, I have been getting weird vivid dreams about my past life in my previous firm. Started off with a dream with the chair lady, I attended a monthly management meeting, and everyone was wondering why I was there since I had left months ago. I replied something along the lines "I had to be here for the very last time". I have no idea why I said that in that dream. Moving along, I met another partner in the firm that I could not stand and lastly, I went to my favorite partner's room, and I shake her hands in the traditional Malay way, I kissed her hand, and I left. Later that day, I brought the whole family for an early dinner with everyone from the firm. In the same dream, I had supper plans with one of my cousins and when we reached the place, there were 3 other cousins and none of them were talking to each other. Weird dream, but it felt so real. 

And last night, I had another dream with my last audit partner, she scolded me for something, and I can't really remember why. Why are all these dreams popping up now? I know that I am not happy at my current place but it wasn't all happy and dandy in audit too. I can't pinpoint what I am missing out now but of course, I truly miss my lunch partner right now. 

Will I go back there? I mean, never say never but at this point, I believe it's a strong no. Late nights, long hours, weekends in the office, crazy workloads, high expectations, but the lessons learnt in between, the people you meet along the way, I'm not going to deny that it was the best times of my life but at this point, I choose my family.