Soul Searching

I don't pray very often.

I just don't much anymore. Not because I don't believe in the power of prayer, but simply because I've gotten out of the habit of actually petitioning God for anything other than to do God's will. While I go to church more often these days than anytime since I was a child (I try to get my kids there every Sunday), and I do meditate and thank the good Lord for my many blessings and ask for aid to all the folks who need it, etc. there WAS a time when I could...and would...pray at the drop of a hat. For aid in all sorts of things. Things that, objectively, one might consider selfish. To do well on a test. To not get caught doing something I wasn't supposed to do. For the local team to win a big game. Things like that: the normal petitions of a young Catholic who believes in the intercession of the Trinity (and perhaps a saint or three).

I watch my son pray, and I find it amusing. He'll pray that he wins a hand of cards (we play a lot of cards in my house). Or that the Seahawks make a field goal. Or that we make it to [wherever] on time. He closes his eyes and clasps his hands and prays silently, unashamed of who may be watching. I admire him for it...even envy him a bit (I was never so demonstrative, nor...I think...so fervent, except perhaps when praying for God to save us all from nuclear war and Mount St. Helens). He prays with equal fervor for folks affected by hurricanes and earthquakes and mass shootings. He's a good little kid.

Why am I writing about this? I've been thinking about soul searching lately, self-meditation, praying for guidance. The subject keeps coming up for me randomly...like the universe telling me it's something I should be doing. Because lately I feel like I've been ignoring my "inner voice" (what some might consider the whispering of the divine) in favor of simply treading water: going through the daily routine, doing my day drinking, grinding out some semblance of substance in a life where I often feel like some slacker fraud.

I am reminded of an incident from my childhood, where my father gave me the worst tongue-lashing I can remember (and deservedly so), when he discovered I had been...in his words..."pulling the wool over his eyes." Pretending that I was the model student when I was, in fact, really letting shit slide. It was horrifying on many levels, and probably gave me all sorts of negative conditioning that still haunts my psyche to this day. In the moment it was occurring, I really thought he was going to take me out.

I wonder how much of this has been passed on to me and become part of my own "parenting style."

[terrible thought]

I picked up a copy of Michael Thomas's BLUEHOLME Journeymanne Rules today, and had a chance to read through it. I am a big fan of Thomas's original BLUEHOLME (the "Prentice" rules), and wanted to see what his concept of an expanded ruleset would like. I was...well...underwhelmed. The book itself is beautiful (the artwork and layout is fantastic), the scale (less than 120 pages) is about perfect, but the content isn't much more than the original, save that it "goes up to 11" (or 20...level 20...in this case).

And perhaps that's enough...perhaps that was Mr. Thomas's objective in writing it. If I didn't have the Prentice rules (or a copy of Holmes Basic), this would be a "must-have" book for this edition...this style...of Dungeons & Dragons. That's what Holmes is, after all: the world famous D&D game in a slightly different flavor. And while he offers a couple of new innovations (for instance, I like his variant weapon damage that makes sense within the style and scope of the original), on the whole it feels like it could have been more.

But how can I fault him? Really...who am I to pass judgment? He has created a very nice retro-mash of Holmes and the OD&D supplements, packaged it in the most pleasing form (art and layout) of ANY OSR clone yet (honestly, I can't think of a nicer looking OSR clone that I've seen), and provided all the rules he feels necessary for his preferred flavor of D&D. And me? What the hell have I done lately?

The truth is, I've been on an extended hiatus, due less to the busy-ness of my life and far more to straight-up lethargy, inertia, and my various addictions. I'm just saying this to "come clean"...as I sit here at the German pub, drinking beer and ignoring my other obligations. Hell, I just ordered a second half liter as I was writing that last sentence. The fact is, if I didn't have my family to anchor me (and really, it's just my kids) I would probably have no reason to go home at night. Or shower and shave (occasionally). Or clean my house. Or grocery shop. Or anything productive at all.

And being "productive" isn't the same as being "constructive." Productive is simply treading water at this point in my life, and that feels like a damn cop out. About 18 months back, I was writing about how I never learned to "hustle," and worrying about my damn legacy and a bunch of other bullshit. Part of the problem I'm seeing now is that I actually have an idea, an inkling, of what I should be doing with my life...and yet I'm not doing it. It's so easy to rest on one's laurels, to celebrate the small victories instead of seeking out the new challenge, the next mountain to summit.

Fuck. I'm really NOT trying to be poetic here.

It makes me want to (mentally) beat myself up, but I understand and realize that's truly a counterproductive waste of time. If someone came to me with this same, sad sack bullshit I'm writing here, I know what I'd say to him/her. But I've discovered in recent months how useless words can be to changing someone's behavior, let alone their life. Only self-action (i.e. actions taken by oneself) can change the road you're on, not helpful...or compassionate...or shouted...or constructive advice.

Time to put down the fucking beer and get on with it.

I started this post writing about prayer. I can't explain why I find it so difficult to pray (outside of church, when I'm modeling behavior for my children), except that I'm fucking out of practice. God doesn't care if you pray for selfish things, and as long as you understand God's answer to your prayers might well be "no," there's no harm (or foul) in doing so. I think I might benefit from doing some prayer...especially the deep, soul-searching kind. The last couple months I've been doing a little of this during Mass, and I've been receiving some inspiring ideas...ideas that I haven't done much about. Too tired, you know? Or too "busy." Or too lazy. Or something. Whatever it is, the inspiration fades after a couple donuts and a big, Sunday brunch followed by the football game on TV...just your typical, habitual Sunday ritual.

I think I need to start praying on days other than Sunday.

I'm going to leave it at that for now. I want to talk more about BLUEHOLME in a separate post (after I give it a second read and collate some of my more random-ish thoughts), but at the moment I've got some other stuff I have to get to.

Later, gators.

[EDIT: just re-reading this, my writing...and sentences...appear very short and "clipped." I want folks to know that, mentally, there were a lot of loooong pauses in my brain when I was typing this up]

I Hate Prep

I hate to admit I'm lazy, though there's ample evidence that such is the case. Certainly there are times that I can get up the energy to work hard for long stretches (or work very hard for short stretches), but sustained, disciplined effort without noticeable results or pay-off is not really my thing. It's why I've never been able to maintain a workout-at-the-gym exercise program, or why I will probably never right anything approaching vaguely resembling a novel (i.e. a long continuous work of fiction). There's a certain stamina that is required for these activities...even for efforts that might not be judged a "success;" see the failed novelist archetype, for example.

Could I develop such stamina? Perhaps...but the development itself requires a certain amount of stick-to-it've-ness, i.e. stamina. I have, in the past, prided myself in being able to fast for seven days (for most people, getting to three is a real challenge...mentally, you start to freak out about not eating, more that feeling actually hungry), but more than that is...well, I get bored. I like eating. And I miss trying or tasting food (especially food that is terrible for me). A seven day fast is about the limit of my endurance, not because of physical incapacity but due to a lacking of mental will. It's just "not so much fun" after awhile...or not as much fun as a big plate of Mexican food or a martini/steak combo.

Which is why, while I dig on being a game master, I'm not much for prep.

Not that I do NO prep...I can prepare an adventure, a plot, a scenario, etc. for an RPG. I've done it many times before for many games in many different genres. But there's a limit to the amount I want to do. Games that require too much mechanical prep are total bugaboos for me. I hate them, they hate me, and damn if I'll ever run such a game. Mekton Zeta is the first such game that comes to mind. GURPS is another. Champions ("HERO System") a third. For me, the amount of work that goes into the set-up of such a campaign is far too much to get me excited about any system features the game has. For a lot of people, the "toolbox factor" of these games IS the "system feature." For me, it's just more time spent doing something other than playing/running the game.

As said, this is my personal failing. But it explains why I design the types of books/games I do (and part of why I favor certain types of games over others).

Ugh...I started this post Monday morning, and I can't remember what the point of it was. So I'm going to stop now. Oh, wait...I remember! FATE! FATE is another game that I will never run because I hate the prep involved. Ugly, ugly stuff, in my opinion. I know lots of people like it...I've played a couple FATE games at cons (Spirit of the Century and The Dresden Files) and I had a great time. But I didn't have to prep those games...I'd play 'em again, as long as I'm not asked to run them. And maybe so long as we're using pre-gen characters or quick-play ones.

The guy should be charging $$.

I was reading Bulldogs, which is a neat take on FATE, and chock full of neat stuff, but sooooo...ugh. It was looking through Bulldogs and comparing it to the fairly magnificent Beat to Quarters that made me sit down and start writing this post Monday morning. BtQ really needs its own post; it's like someone's Napoleonic, alternate-reality version of DMI. But, wow, it cuts prep down to my level of management...assuming one has a grounding/background in Age of Sail adventure fiction/history. Not everyone does.

But that kind of prep (what I'd call "research") is fun, and I can do it all day. In fact, I spent a couple hours on the internet this morning just reading various online articles about nautical battle strategy in the 17th and 18th century.

Okay, this post has really tanked/gone off the rules. Sorry. Let me try writing something different tomorrow.

OH, WAIT...just as an almost completely unrelated aside: I downloaded what (I thought) was supposed to be a Spanish-language copy of D&D off the internet, and what I got instead was a PDF copy of the 4th Edition Players Handbook; a volume I've never owned or read. Well, I spent a few minutes skimming through it today, and there are some things here that look like fun! I mean, there's a LOT of stupid here...dragonborn and astral diamonds and WoW-style bullshit and whatnot. But despite being a far cry from anything I'd call "Dungeons & Dragons," it doesn't look like a terrible game to play. On first pass, I could see myself writing up a character and taking it for a spin on someone's battle mat.

Just so long as I don't have to prep/run this monster.

[hmm...I guess that wasn't a terribly unrelated aside]
; )

ANOTHER Poll? Maybe...

All right, the looooooong weekend for me officially ends tomorrow morning when I move the garbage cans to the curb and head out to work. Ah, man...after being off since Thursday, I can't help but feel I'm NOT looking forward to being back at a desk. There are babies to play with and beagles to walk and sunshine to enjoy right here at home! Not to mention, blogs to write...

And WHEN the work week begins, my time to write will once again be limited. I have several possible topics of bloggersation to write about, possibly even a series or two, but who knows what I'll get to. I'm tempted to let the readership make the decision for me.

Here are some of the possible thoughts rattling around my skull:

• Iceland/Viking role-playing. We really, REALLY need more of this. Yes, it is very "white" of me to get all Nordic, but sometimes I just can't help it. After hitting up the Seattle Folklife Festival (twice!) this year I'm feeling like going a-viking.
• Celtic/pagan role-playing...for similar reasons as the Iceland thing. However, the emphasis would be on "putting your witches to work," because (as Tim Brannan will tell you) witches are cool.
• Hating on Rangers: long time readers will notice that I've never blogged about rangers, except perhaps for an off-hand remark or two. There's a reason for this: they are a dumb class. I can write all about it for those who didn't read my recent thoughtfulness at Dragonsfoot.
• Re-writing magic-users: and making them more "sorcerous." I have recently decided there are some things I find exceptionally challenging and B/X spell books are one of 'em. I'm not sure if I need to throw one more class into my already-getting-overlarge-supplement or if I should just write-up a freebie for the blog. Possibly the latter, you lucky ducks. Based on my recent re-readings of MZB sword-and-sorcery tales.
• Start my own adventure creation challenge: based on this damn statue in Tim's yard. I can't tell you when a piece of lawn art last inspired me this much. Um, maybe never. More innocuous animal statues should be this demented.
• Do some sort of Top Ten List on B/X monsters: either my personal favorites, the best up-front player killers, or the most insidious player-killers. Yes, there is sure to be some over-lap in all three of these categories. Yes, I will provide reasons for all my various choices.
• More B/X conversions of His Dark Materials: because once you stat up armored bears, where does one stop?

So there they are, all the ideas I've got so far...notice there are far too many for one short week, even blogging through all my lunch breaks. I suppose a poll isn't REALLY the best method for determining what one should write about (it's my blog, after all!)...but I AM open to reader requests and input. What do YOU folks want to read about this week?

; )

Damn...Procrastination is a Bitch...

Back in August (on the 19th to be exact), I posted that I was starting a couple new projects, including a B/X reinterpretation of the old Bard Games' The Compleat Adventurer. Along with the Land of Ash campaign setting for B/X, I figured this would be a relatively simple writing project, seeing as how most of it would collecting various essays, random charts, and "new" B/X class write-ups (my "personal favorites" as commentator DHBoggs astutely noted) that have already been posted to the blog over the last year or so.

And it STILL looks like it would be a simple writing project (especially when I'm figuring it will only come in at 40 pages or so)...I just haven't gotten around to doing it.

Fact of the matter is, "real life" has been plenty crazy the last four months, and free time for writing has been astoundingly limited, often relegated to an even lower priority due to "research" considerations.

What the hell is "research?" Oh, you know...scouring used bookstores for old novels (and reading them), comic book stores for inspiring graphic novels, game shops for various games to review their design aspects, and re-watching films I've already seen a dozen times...not to mention combing blogs, web forums, and such for additional ideas.

The last two days for example, I spent quite a bit of time reviewing the old Forge articles on Narrativism and Simulationism, specifically with regard to game design principles (not so much for creative agenda stuff). Ugh...slow going to say the least; even having read the Forge essays multiple times in the past, it can be hard to wrap one's mind around specific semantics if you haven't been involved in the conversation for awhile (for example, if you've been playing and blogging about old school D&D for the last year and a half).

But it's good to read this stuff again...already it makes me reconsider a lot of the basic design choices I had for my space opera game. For example, how much do I want it to be a game of rip-roaring adventure (a la Flash Gordon or the original Star Wars) and how much do I want it to be able to address Star Wars-esque moral premises like

- Is the life of one's friends worth more than the cause for which those friends fight? (The Empire Strikes Back)

- Does love and marriage override one's loyalty to a political cause? (Revenge of the Sith)

And here's the thing: I can see multiple ways to design a space opera game (either as a rip-roarer or a premise-addresser), but trying to design a game that does both is a sure way to invite design incoherence. Why half-ass it two ways when you can go whole hog towards one?

And then, while I'm having that silly, internal debate (does anyone care besides you, JB?) the real bitch of procrastination rears its ugly head...namely, I'm being out-paced by folks with similar projects that are more focused than myself.

For example, my "simple B/X supplement" project seems to have been preempted somewhat by Joseph's (of Greyhawk Grognard) Adventures Dark & Deep project. Of course, Joseph's is a LOT more ambitious than my proposed stunt...four volumes, a re-imagined Gygax-influenced AD&D 2E...but he is including a lot of the same TCA/TCSC classes that were to be the core of my book. Similar to Goblinoid Games' Advanced Edition Companion (published shortly before my B/X Companion)...it just sometimes feels like I'm "diluting the gene pool" so to speak. Everyone has their own way of playing BX/LL and who am I to stick my nose in others' cash flow?

But aside from that (as I said, GG's project and mine are exceptionally dissimilar in scope), I see JM over at Grognardia is starting to get the mental wheels turning on the idea of a class-based space opera RPG. Again, I realize this probably sounds like me whining (um...because I am?) but I'm certainly not looking to compete with anyone, especially someone with substantially wider experience and "publishing chops" than Yours Truly.

[by the way, funny how minds think alike...I came up with a fairly similar archetypal list of space opera classes, as well as the same number, though I DID leave out the thief-type "rogue/scoundrel" on JM's list...that's just a throwback to WotC's take on West End Game's pastiche interpretation of Han Solo, one that I disagree with in general]

I suppose all I can really do is stop sharpening my axe and start whittling on the tree. Not that I haven't been... I've got 20 pages written in multiple chapters, and substantial notes for the other sections. Since I don't intend this to be more than 64 pages in length, I'm close to a third of the way there.

Ugh...then comes the artwork part. Oh, boy.

I suppose in the end I have the exact same decision to make as when I was in the middle of finishing the B/X Companion and realized Barrataria's reimagined Companion had already been published: either suck it up and finish what I'd started, or pack it up and find a different project. I decided to press on and am proud of the end result.

Huh...when I consider my prior decision, I guess I already know what I'm gonna' do.

; )

Well, Shoot...

...didn't get much writing done today at all I'm afraid.  Well, at least nothing too constructive (had to blog about last night's B/X game.

However, I DID catch up on my sleep, both this morning and this afternoon with a little three hour power nap. AND I mowed the lawn, got a hair cut, helped make tamales, cleaned some bathrooms, purchased and read Castle Falkenstein, got coffees, checked out a new restaurant/cafe (nice little omelet house)...I mean, it WAS productive.

Welp, I've got a dinner to attend to...perhaps I'll have time to write a bit later.

Prost!

: )