I'm too Batsexy

I had to have this whacked-out Batman figure primarily so I could do this:

I'm too sexy for my Batshirt too sexy for my Batshirt
So sexy you're butt-hurt
And I'm too sexy for Robin too sexy for Robin
be he Dick, Tim or Jason

And I'm too sexy for you Harley
Too sexy for you Harley
No way I'm Batusi-dancing

I'm The Batman you know what I mean
And I do my bat-turn on the Batwalk
Yeah on the Batwalk on the Batwalk yeah
I do my bat-turn on the Batwalk

I'm too sexy for my Batmobile too sexy for my Batmobile
So sexy I make Talia al Ghul squeel
And I'm too sexy for my cowl man
Too sexy for my cowl man what do you think about that, Owlman?

I'm The Batman you know what I mean
And I do my bat-turn on the Batwalk
Yeah on the Batwalk on the Batwalk yeah
I shake my bat-touche on the Batwalk

I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my

'Cos I'm The Batman you know what I mean
And I do my bat-turn on the Batwalk
Yeah on the Batwalk on the Batwalk yeah
I shake my bat-touche on the Batwalk

I'm too sexy for Catwoman too sexy for Catwoman
Poor pussy poor pussy Catwoman
I'm too sexy for you Ivy too sexy for you Ivy
Ivy's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song.

Okay, now that that is out of the way...



I was aware of Batman: Night Force Ninjas when the line was released back in the late nineties, having seen a few of the figures hanging in the Kay-B near the bookstore I worked. The toys appeared to be an odd combination of 'Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots' and comicbook stylized Batman, with some early nineties neon thrown in for good measure. 


I looked them over occasionally but ignored the line at the time, primarily because I never found the awesome and surprisingly comic accurate looking Azrael figure, and also because the 'action feature' gimmick seemed to be the primary selling point of the figures - so I assumed that in typical action feature form, it would rob the toys of the full potential of their designs. 


But as is often the case, one starts to re-examine these things years later, and somehow finds charm in what would otherwise not have been given a second glance when one's collecting tastes differed by a decade's time.



Case in point: Shirtless Batman.

Stay with me.


Having recently found another Skeletor and a collection of Conan stories at a garage sale, and of course snatching them both up with the same childlike exuberance I approached such things as a kid, my re-discovery of this shirtless Batman action figure also reminded me of the HUGE popularity of sword and sorcery toys and movies during my youth. 


Toys and movies which always included (but were rarely questioned regarding) nearly naked oiled up loincloth clad beefcake....aimed primarily at boys age 8-12. 


He-Man, Blackstar, Conan, Beastmaster. These guys were everywhere, with nary a covered leg or pectoral in the bunch. 


And somehow that was totally okay.

Jump ahead to 1998. Someone designing a Batman toy thinks to himself (or herself, but most likely himself) 'You know what hasn't been done yet? Shirtless Batman!' And then gets the damn thing made! 


Then a few months later some mom somewhere is out buying Batman toys for her son and comes across this guy, and doesn't think twice about the absolute absurdity of buying an imagination building plaything of a man in neon green pants, a bat-cowl, gloves and no shirt for her precious little boy. 


I love it!


So somehow upon seeing this Batman again my mind combined the homoerotic heroes of my youth with my love for all things Batman and I could not resist buying shirtless Batman; and now I'm left wondering how the hell I'm going to explain my need for a shirtless Batman to my wife.


First world problems. 

Anyways, back to the ridiculous nature of a shirtless Batman action figure. I mean really...why?


The only times I can think of Batman being (only) shirtless in the comics is in battle with Ra's al Ghul...and maybe while battling a shark. And to be honest, I think shirtless battles with al Ghul happen more often than shirtless shark battles. Which is weird in and of itself; sharks I can understand, you need to have your arms and chest unincumbered by the weight of...lycra?...to swim well enough to elude and/or disembowel a shark Batman style, but what is it about Ra's that makes Bruce Wayne want to constantly bare his bat nipples?

SEE! 


EDITOR'S NOTE: I did not find any shirtless shark battle pics during my exhaustive three minute Google image search, so maybe I merely imagined those.


So even though Knight Force Ninjas did not include an action figure of Ra's al Ghul, (although it should have, he does lead an army of...wait for it...NINJAS!) it did include a shirtless Batman. And the line was surprisingly fleshed out (get it, haw haw) with a Joker and Riddler and Tim Drake Robin and Killer Croc and Azrael and even a pseudo AzBats! 


But alas, no shirtless Ra's al Ghul to match forces with shirtless Batman.


Finally, to my knowledge Knight Force Ninjas is the only toyline to have ever included a shirtless Batman.

Shirtless Batman, forever alone...

...and forever FABULOUS!

Tobes of Hades lit by flickering torchlight

An ardent Masters of the Universe fan, I had until recently not taken the plunge into the MOTU Classics line. Primarily, I was turned off by the difficulty in obtaining them from Mattel's exclusive online shop Mattycollector.com. Toys, and all residual actions regarding toys, should be fun. I've been caught up in the "gotta have it" fervor of the past, and just had no inclination to get into it again.

But through a recent toy trade I finally came into possession of two MOTUC figures - Skeletor and Mer-Man (more on him later.)

Skeletor was one of the first releases in this line, so I am sure you've read and seen plenty about him, so I'll just show off some groovy pics I took.

I will say that he is impressive in person. A little bulkier than DCUC figures, but still in the same general scale - kind of like how Arnold Schwarzenegar is in the same scale as you and me. Which is how the Masters Universe should be - these guys are built!
Skeletor comes with his goat head staff, a "full" sword and a "half" sword ala the original MOTU release.
The MOTU Classics Skeletor is everything he should be, amped up just a bit. The perfect marriage between modern action figures and an eighties character we all grew up with. This action figure is what we THOUGHT we were playing with back in 1983!

I really want Scareglow, the next offering going on sale in mid November. Skeletor will be re-released soon as well, with the only change being the packaging. So if you missed out on him the first time around, and you are an opener, avoid the scalpers and pick him up when he becomes re-available.

There has been a lot of talk about the price of these guys as well, but now that I have one in hand I can say that it's worth it. I would never be a completist of this line at the going price, but getting a few must-haves is certainly worth the pursuit.

Panthor and Skeletor

Panthor is Skeletor's trusty feline steed. Basically he's just a purple flocked Battle Cat (which in turn was a panther borrowed from the earlier Mattel line, "Big Jim.")

Although I recently reacquired this specific one from a garage sale, I did have Panthor when I was a kid. My parents had gone to Vegas for a weekend trip and brought him back for me.

I always wondered if they just swung by the local toy store on the way home - "uh oh, we forgot to get the kids something!" - or if he was actually purchased while in Vegas, but I didn't really care. Panthor and Skeletor beat the "Mom and Dad went to Vegas and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" shirt my sister and I usually got form my parents' trips to Vegas. Although I'm sure my parents got a big kick out of those shirts.

This is an original Skeletor, which also came in the garage sale lot I found this past summer.
He's missing his loin cloth or whatever you'd call that thing.

Seriously, what's cooler than a blue skinned, skull faced barbarian riding a purple Panther? In the eyes of a seven year old, not much.

Panthor's saddle is also just a green version of Battle Cat's saddle. I always wondered why they skimped out and didn't include a green helmet, but then again Panthor is evil, so he's not likely to adhere to the helmet laws of Eternia anyways.

I have a complete commemorative Skeletor figure from the early 2000s too...

...and you can see some differences, including the face sculpt (the original Skeletor is on the left.)

The plastic of the armor is also thinner/more translucent on the original Skeletor.

"I am the REAL Skeletor!"
Here's another shot of the commemorative Skeletor, with all his accessories.

"Greyskull shall be MINE! Haaahahahahhahaaaaaa!"

On a related note, a new era in Masters of the universe toys is about to begin with Mattel's online exclusive Masters of the Universe Classics series. I'm really looking forward to these new figures. Skeletor was recently previewed in ToyFare magazine and he looks great in the new/old style!