Joker, have you been working out?

I was perusing eBay the other day when I came across this literal monstrosity, available from a Hong Kong seller:

Simply the Brave and the Bold Pop Gun Joker (which I still don't have and am now reminded how badly I need it!) head slapped onto the Zombie Hitman Solomon Grundy (one of the best action figures ever based on name alone!) body, the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts when they come together in this mad fashion! The conglomeration reminds me of the Venom infused Joker from the Arkham Asylum video game in the Brave and the Bold style. And I like it!

Apparently the seller has actually sold six of these, with four remaining available as of press time. I admit I am tempted if for the sheer absurdity of the figure alone. I am also curious how this thing came to be - I don't yet own a Brave and the Bold Joker so I couldn't even say for sure if the head-swap is simple and seamless, or if the seller had to do some cutting, gluing or other adjustments to make it work. And why does the seller have ten Joker heads and ten Solomon Grundy bodies? And what compelled them to swap them all and make them available on eBay?

Enquiring minds want to know!

Toys That Suck: Bootleg LEGO Superheroes

Since getting my hands on a bootleg LEGO Batgirl, I became curious as to what other bootleg LEGO superheroes are out there floating across the sea from China.

And what did I discover? The short answer: There are a lot of them. There are bootleg Superheroes and bootleg Simpsons (in sets with Lord of the Rings builds - those are pretty surreal!) and bootleg Ninjago and bootleg Chima and bootleg characters LEGO hasn't even made (like Punisher, Stargirl, Winter Soldier...the list goes on and on).

What's more, they can be found for incredibly cheap. Like, less than a buck each cheap. With free shipping. From China! (Don't ask me how you can ship from China for free when it costs nine bucks to send something across town! But it involves some sort of agreement with China and the USPS to encourage more eCommerce. And, apparently, copyright infringement.)

Another thing I discovered is that their quality varies from almost-as-good-as-the-real-thing to...well...this atrocity right here:

GAH! Get a load of Derperine over on the top right. And Captain Elaphantiasis on the bottom row. Not to mention Green Lanturd and Spider-Knees.

Not sure if these large head pieces are 'helmets' of sorts, that go over a regular sized LEGO minifigure style head (ala the official Iron-Man LEGO minifigures which the pictured Iron-Men are clear ripoffs).

And honestly, I'm not sure I want to know.

Via AliExpress

Too Soon?

That's right, kids...it's time to play 'save the drowning Titanic passengers!' Whose heart will go on? Only YOU can decide!

There are almost no words for this game. It seems so wrong, yet it seems so right.

It's hard to imagine a kid saying 'Oooh cool, a Titanic game!' or a parent saying 'Ooh cool, my kids can recreate one of the greatest seafaring tragedies of the 20th century, using LOGIC!' But here it is.

You can play some of the Titanic game online at the manufacturer's website, if you are as morbidly curious as I was: http://www.smartgameslive.com/en/games/titanic

Have fun, and try not to hear Seline Dion squealing in your mind while you play!

Toys That Suck :: Purple Hooded Warrior

This guy is all sorts of weird. He's like a bootleg knock-off of bootleg knock-offs!

He's in scale with Masters of the Universe, but stands straight instead of doing the MOTU squat. His chest and arms look like this Wrestling Champions MOTU knock-off but his, umm, panties, are similar in design to Sungold MOTU knock-offs. He's solid hard rubber and poorly cast. He looks like he may have been inspired by Cobra Commander, but wears a dainty orange belt. He sort of gives off a large scale M.U.S.C.L.E. vibe with his weird design.

His hands are painted skin color, so I assume the purple is a unitard of some sort. Or body paint. And in addition to that plain purple hood, he has horns AND a crown!

This guy is all over the place, and not in a good way. But I have to admit I do love these knock-off Masters of the Universe figures, specifically because they are so oddball!

I did some asking around the internet and discovered he is from a line called Ninja Commandos. I found this picture of carded examples (PHW is there on the top right) at the Action Figure Archive in a thread that discusses this and some other similar Knock-off lines:

It looks like the head for this figure was also used on a line called Super Ninjas, larger figures with more articulation (elbows!) Then there were smaller versions called Dragon Ninjas, which is what mine and the whole Ninja Commandos line is a bootleg of (or later cheaper crappier release of.)

The Super Ninja/Dragon Ninja version of this guy was called Emperor Nightmare. This guy seems more generic and unnamed, but he's knock-off of a knock-off so what do you expect? He lacks any identification on the Ninja Commandos packaging, but Emperor Nightmare is as good a name as any, better than Purple Hooded Warrior anyways, so I think I'll stick with it.

I assume based on the card art that these were probably from the early to mid nineties or so and were either dollar store fodder. But he's cheap and weird and oddball but somehow irresistible in his charm.

Viva la Purple Hooded Warrior!

Toys that suck :: Contest Edition!

I've heard of 'balls of steel' but this is just ridiculous. I stumbled onto (thank god not 'into') this toy on eBay. In fact, here's a link if you want to add Captain Metallic-Phallic to your collection! Don't say I never did anything for you.

So who is this guy with the girdered loins, and exactly what is going on with that armored schlong of his? Wait, I don't think I want to know.

Yes, I do.

And that brings us to a CONTEST!

In the comments section, tell us who this Metal Manthing is; what's his story? What are his extraordinary powers? Tell me about his arch-nemesis and his love interest(s.) Don't worry about keeping it clean, just keep it funny. I'll pick the story that I think is funniest after October 15th (contest is open until 10/15 at midnight my time) and send that person some toys! I don't know what I'll send, but it won't be junk, it'll be fun!

So, as Lightning-Rod's arch-foe The Socket said before the fuse blew and the power went out: 'Bring it on!'

Toys that suck :: Inter-suckables

Oh man was this toy a piece of crap. C.I.R.E.S. from The Fantastic World of the Inter-Changeables!

*Pictures borrowed from eBay.

These pics are of a toy I once owned and was truly disappointed in. Yup, you read that right, I hated a toy! Hard to believe, I know - but this piece of junk was a real stinker!

The packaging promised all sorts of adventures, but the only adventure was trying to get this guy to stay together in robot mode.

Even at ten years old I could tell the plastic was of a super cheap quality and the toy was not going to stand up to even the lightest of play. Yes, it looked cool, with robots for arms whose heads could be swapped out with missile launchers, but beauty is only skin deep.

The packaging also promised pilots, but no pilots were in the package (what was I supposed to do, read the fine print? I was TEN!)

C.I.R.E.S. stands for 'Cosmic Integral Robot Exchange System' which means what now? He's a space aged currency converter? Who knows. Who cares?

I think  C.I.R.E.S. should stand for Crappy Idiotic Robot Eric Shouldn'thavebought.

Collect them all? Not after buying this cheap hunk of plastic! That's the last time I try to be frugal with my allowance money. Back to the Transformer aisle for me!

Heres a final look at the instructions, which you will need because this robot will fall apart again and again. You know the worst part? this dumb chunk of cheap plastic rot is selling for a ton of money on eBay! Bad enough I spent about ten bucks over twenty five years ago and feel ripped off, if you spend over a hundred on this nowadays you are just a fool.