The Thirteen Most Badass Heroes in Horror

RayRay is back again, true believers, and this time I am bringing you my exclusive list of the 13 greatest horror movie heroes. Why thirteen? Why not? And thirteen is a pretty scary number, so I am going with it. Or maybe I couldn’t come up with 15. Whatever.

This list was inspired by B-Sol’s post a short while ago regarding his top ten favorite horror movies characters, and I realized that there was only one protagonist. Since then I have thought deeply about the subject of the protagonist, and realized there were too many. So I decided to go for the heroes.

In any event, I want all to know I do not think this list is exhaustive, and would like stir some discussion on the topic. I surely missed some great horror heroes, and want to hear about it.

Also, I want to let everyone know this list is not about the final girl, or last survivor, or the best scream queen. This list is reserved for characters that saw the evil with their own eyes and went out to confront it, and then did so in as badass a manner as humanly (or superhumanly) possible, and often paid the ultimate price for their heroism.

So, without any further delay:

13) Dr. Sam Loomis (Halloween, 1978, Halloween II, 1981)
Dr. Loomis, played by the wonderful Donald Pleasance, did it more with his brains rather than brawn. But he was also the only person to realize the depth of the evil in Myers, and realized he had to try to keep him locked away. When he realized that was impossible, he knew he had to confront his patient, and knew he had to pack heat to do so. And when it came to it, he also knew he had to sacrifice himself to do the deed. [After the sequel, the series sorta dumbed down a lot].

12) Alice (Resident Evil, 2002, etc.)
Milla’s Alice, one of the few heroes on the list that could do a swimsuit calendar, is one lady you don’t want to mess with. She deals with the chemically undead caused by the T-virus handily, never backing down. She is a bad broad, and as the series went onward, only got badder.

11) John Constantine (Constantine, 2005)
Maybe you hate Keanu, and maybe you didn’t think this was the best movie. But to be real, the man is accursed and condemned to Hell, yet in thrall to God, and still wrestles demons like hillbillies rassle ‘gators, and is one of the few humans that can tell Satan to shove it. Plus, the crucifix-come-shotgun is a badass weapon.

10) Hellboy (Hellboy, 2004)
Hellboy, played by Hollywood’s man in makeup, Ron Perlman, is a super, duper badass. He has it all: no looks, one good hand, and a Good Samaritan. Plus, he can speak to the dead. Being the son of Satan, yet fighting for the good guys has to wear on a guy’s psyche, but that has not stopped ol’ Red yet. Few of our heroes can deliver a snappy line while fighting creatures of Lovecraftian terror, like Samiel, The Desolate One.

9) Michael (Dawn of the Dead, 2004)
Michael, played by Jake Weber, is the Superego awash in Id at the Crossroads Shopping Mall. He keeps his cool, puts the other hormonally challenged males in their place, and quietly becomes the leader of the small band of survivors. He faces the horror of the situation without fear, and when his chips are cashed, he walks away from the table with a nary a complaint.

8) Dutch (Predator, 1987)
I am sure I will hear it that this is not really a horror movie, but if not, then neither is Godzilla. In any event, Dutch, one of Ahnold’s best played roles, is a super badass. First, he and his team dispose of an entire company of bad guys, and then, like little Indians, his squad is picked off. But does Dutch panic? No, he tells the little Commie girl to get to the chopper, and then takes care of business. Which is not a problem, except business is 7 feet tall and packs a small nuke. Just for surviving, Dutch makes the list.

7) Wray (Planet Terror, 2007)
Not only does Freddie Rodriguez’s Wray never miss, he makes his girl Cherry Darling into a walking zombie destroyer. But before she rules the wasteland, he has to take care of business, which includes taking out most of the zombies in Texas. Though his origins aren’t clear, what is is that Wray was an undercover agent and/or commando, and if killing was his business……

6) Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs, 1991)
Jodie Foster’s Starling is at once a delicate, pale West Virginian girl running from demons, and at the same time a vicious hellcat with a big brain. She not only figured out who he was, she single-handedly went after Buffalo Bill into his lair. Not for the faint of heart. And while she did get a little lucky that Bill was cocky, as they say: fortune favors the bold. And most importantly, she was the music to tame the most savage of hearts, that of the good doctor’s.

5) Professor Abraham Van Helsing (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)
Sir Anthony’s Van Helsing was, in my humble opinion, the version of the character played with the most vim and vigor. While stodgy and old, he was nonetheless the most knowledgeable of the vampire hunters, as well as the one who stiffened the others’ backbones for the hunt and kill of “wampyres…….nosferatu……” Not to mention he seemed to get a kick out of it, and the slaying of the blood sucking undead never seemed to bother his appetite for rare beef or strong, dark ales. My kind of guy!

4) Father’s Merrin & Karras (The Exorcist, 1973)
For this one there is a double bill. I could not decided which of Pazuzu’s nemeses to choose, so I went with both. Max von Sydow’s Merrin brought gravity and professorial steadiness, while Jason Miller’s Karras was devotional anger at the defilement of innocence. Both priests fought for the soul of young Regan, no matter what temporal torments, or whose voice, the demon threw at them. And in their single combats each paid the ultimate price for that little girl, but they succeeded.

3) Ash (Evil Dead I-II, Army of Darkness, 1992)
I know this is going to get me grief. Ash is only number 3?!! Sorry, kiddies, but at least he cracked this rarified air. Hey, if asswhippery were a religion, Ash would be the patron saint. He also gets points for introducing the phrase “pillow talk” to medieval Europe. But the man can’t remember 7 lousy syllables. However, he did lop off his own hand, and he can handle a rifle like few others. And he saved the world in both the 13th and 20th centuries, so he gets to be in the high pantheon. Plus, being the King of the One Liners makes him that much more awesome.

2) Ellen Ripley (Alien 1979, Aliens 1986, etc.)
Sigourney Weaver’s Ellen Ripley is the very first female action hero. She goes from junior officer on a doomed interstellar freighter to leading a bunch of badass space marines, to the savior of mankind. Not only does she tangle with one of the most fearsome creatures man ever encountered in the stars, she wins. And she only got angrier and more badass as the series went along, though the quality of the movies declined as an inverse proportion to her badassery. Notwithstanding, she took the Queen on, woman to woman, and it was no small feat to have defeated such an implacable, indefatigable foe. Especially one so pissed off.

1) R.J. McReady (The Thing, 1982)
Kurt Russell’s McReady, the surly, Scotch swilling, chess playing chopper pilot at
Outpost 31, is number 1 on this list. This may be controversial, but that’s why people do silly lists like this. McReady is number 1 because a) he faces what I consider to be the scariest monster of all time, b) he does it in the worst conditions I can think of, c) he rapidly realizes the gravity of the situation and does not lose his mind (unlike Blair, who does, or Fuchs, who commit suicide), and computes that this is a battle for the planet. He also gets that if they lose, humanity is gone. He takes control in a situation more suited to madness, never loses his cool, and is willing to pay the ultimate price from the word go. That, and he is handy with a flamethrower.

So there it is, true believers. I look forward to hearing from all the Vault Dwellers on how awesome I am for making this list. I hope you enjoy chewing it over as much as I enjoyed making it. Until next time……..

Tweet

The Alien/Predator Conflict Takes an Unexpected Turn...

This image, which I've promptly hung on the bulletin board in my office, is one of three created by the New Zealand ad firm DDB to promote the airing last month of Aliens vs. Predator on Sky TV. I think the brandy snifter is what puts it over the top for me. Now, if only the film this is touting were anywhere near as amusing/entertaining! To see these iconic movie monsters locked in other heated contests, visit Ads of the World.

Tweet

First Time Around: Space Monsters

Hello, all. You can call me RayRay, the name so nice you say it twice.

I would like to say that I am honored to have been invited to contribute to this page. I was pretty much offered an outlet for my opinions, on subjects which I love, which are monsters and horror movies. I assumed books and stories were also part of the fare. For that I have to say: thank you.

I have to confess that horror is not my favorite genre. I would have to say that I am a bit more of a science-fiction/fantasy fan more than anything, but from there you get some of the best monsters. And honestly, I love monsters. And that is the one thing movies have over books - you get to see the monsters. And science-fiction horror is a big sub-genre, and has some of the best monsters, so I guess I am in the right ballpark. And I love me a good space monster, be it intelligent or just plain mean. And there are soooo many good monsters from outer space.

Let's see, there are the hunters from the "Predator" franchise. They were a pretty good concept, and the first movie, with Arnold, had some very serious horror elements, especially when the small commando unit finally figures out that they are actually being hunted. The scene occurs during broad daylight (albeit in the jungle) which really adds to the tension. You have Schwarzenegger looking around, bug-eyed, at this unseen force which had just (if memory serves) picked off one of his own men. The horror implications of the movie wear off, though, once it is Arnold alone, and the creature's camouflage stops working, and you can see it is a man in a suit. At this point it more or less devolves back into a pure action flick, though it is still a good movie.

The monster in Predator is scary when you can't see him, and don't what he's about, except he really likes spinal columns. The ability to move about the trees is also disconcerting, as is the speed and obvious toughness. But when you get your first good look at him, when he emerges from the river and his camo-unit goes haywire, he is somewhat strange, but aside from his mask and his huge size, it's just a really big man, and all tension is dissipated.

But one of the great monsters from outer space, and of all time, are the bio-mechanical, H.R. Geiger-created "Aliens." Sure, I know, this is nothing new. Everyone has seen the movies of this franchise. Everyone knows that this is a very scary set of monsters. But I want to put my own 2 cents in. The original, Ridley Scott's Alien, is a pure classic, and the follow up, James Cameron's aptly titled Aliens, is one of the few sequels which actually stands up to the original [See: The Godfather]. (I will not comment at this time about the following movies of this franchise, or the AVP series.) The monster is the secret of these two movies. Simply, it is one of the most terrifying monsters ever thought up. To quote: "Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility." It is tough enough to withstand hard vacuum, and even a good blast by a spaceship's engines. It is essentially a black insectizoidal armored shell over what otherwise appears to be a humanoidal skeleton, but with a barbed tail, and a haunting eyeless face over a double mouth with teeth that appear to be metallic in nature. It is the very visage of soullessness - it is malevolent beyond a vicious animal; perhaps manufactured, but to what end? Even without eyes you can feel an inhuman consciousness burning into you, like when it is contemplating the cat, Jones, towards the end of Alien. And I haven't even mentioned its blood type or its less than charming form of procreation. It is almost industrialized horror made animal - manufactured in an assembly line, one of a series, in identical rows, oozing the slime from within the machine, precise in its actions, measured in its movements, hidden in the nooks of its nest. What isn't human is insect; what isn't flesh is chitin or metal. It is almost a realization of Kafka's bad dream, but we don't get to be the bug - the bug comes from us. All in all, I have long thought of this creature as the #2 scariest monster in horror, all time.

Now, that last sentence is begging a question: well, RayRay, what's the scariest monster of all time? I can tell you, and it is, in my humblest of opinions, also one of the best movies ever made: John Carpenter's The Thing. The Thing, you say? That bomb from 1981? The remake that was missing a cameo from James Arness? Yeah, that one. If you never saw it, then do so, and make sure the lights are out. If you don't want it spoiled for you, read no further.

There is nothing about this movie that is lacking. It is cast wonderfully. It's got a great script. It's screen shots and angles are great. The effects are top notch, and have held up for a quarter of a century, well into the CGI years (Rob Bottin did it right, and did it old school). And it has the single most terrifying monster of all time. The film combines the alienation from civilization with the alienation between the characters, where trust becomes the most valuable and vanishing commodity, in the midst of an Antarctic winter storm. And all with the lurking, oppressive horror of a monster that could be......is........one or more of the fellow men you are trapped with. Even after the monster is revealed for the first time - when it attacks the dogs in the kennel - it is immediately hidden again. This is the type of movie you watch over and over again, looking in the background to see if there was a raised eyebrow or a glance that you missed.

The Thing is such an effective monster as it can infiltrate at will; it can change shape at will; the forms it can take on are essentially unlimited; it possesses the souls of its victims (rare for a sci-fi monster from space); and when it attacks it...........well, what it does is not exactly explicable but it comes with generous helpings of slime and tentacles and wholly inhuman shapes, a horror of Lovecraftian proportions (more on the great HPL another time). As a victim you become just part of the creatures' coterie or its repertoire, depending on how you think of it. Also, once you begin to give it thought, the ramifications of this creature that absorbs its victims are troubling. Clearly, early in the movie at least one member of Outpost 31 is infected by the alien creature via the dog from the Norwegian base. Yet that person is not revealed until much, much later (it is either Norris, Palmer, or Blair, you never find out; and that person infects at least one or more of the others). At what point does that person cease to be that person? During the scene when MacReady, the putative hero, is performing the "blood and hot needle" tests, just before he tests Palmer's blood, you see resignation flash across Palmer's face. Is that Palmer, or the Thing, who is so resigned, sighing to himself? If it creates a perfect imitation, does the underlying person EVER stop being?

It is often forgotten (at least by me until it was pointed out) that MacReady, the pilot and aforementioned hero, takes a long helicopter ride to the site of the actual spaceship with the two characters that must have already been at least infected, if not full blown 'things' at the time - Palmer and Norris. Does anything happen off camera we don't find out about? Probably not, but that gnawing doubt is part of the essence of this monster.

Continuing, the "Thing" is no dumb animal. Whatever it is, it knows what it wants, and it wants to get the hell off Antarctica. And in furtherance of this it is building itself a SPACESHIP (!!) from the parts of terrestrial vehicles (while distracting the humans from discovering this activity). This is an extrememly intelligent creature (even if it is acquired intellect), with a lot of technical know-how (same caveat). Couple the toughness to lie dormant and frozen for a thousand centuries with all of the above, and the result is the most capable and frightening movie monster I can think of. Ever. All time. Period. At least to this casual observer.

Until next time, watch the skies.................

Tweet