Making Christmas....

A very, very Merry Christmas from The Vault of Horror!!

Tweet

TRAILER TRASH! Christmas Edition, Book 2

And now...as a special holiday treat, I give you the vintage piece of Yuletide horror shlock, Christmas Evil, a.k.a. You Better Watch Out, featured in my October presentation on holiday-themed horror at Kevin Geeks Out. Enjoy it in its entirety--it's Ho-Ho-Horrible!!

Tweet

This Year... There Will Be No Leftovers.

Tweet

The Horrors of the Holidays: Halloween Knock-Offs

First and foremost, let it be known that Captain Cruella and myself had a righteous blast this past Thursday night at 92YTribeca and another glorious edition of Kevin Geeks Out! Silly me for thinking that this ingenious pop culture series from the mind of Kevin Maher was really dead. I mean, he said he was retiring it, but in the grand pro wrestling tradition, retired is never really retired. And thank goodness! Because KGO is truly one of my life's great joys.

Where else can I find myself amongst my fellow geeks, wallowing in the shamelessly masturbatory enjoyment of genre treasures? The theme of the night was rip-offs--and this time out, the comedy variety show featured the likes of Daily Show writer Elliott Kalan picking apart the abysmal German E.T. knock-off Nukie; the sardonically brilliant M. Sweeney Lawless condensing British Kong rip-off Konga down to its bare essentials; pop culture savant Prof. Geoff Klock analyzing Quentin Tarantino's brilliant rip-off techniques as utilized in Kill Bill; comic book blogger Nick Nadel presenting a montage of painful superhero rip-offs; filmmaker Matt Glasson rehashing his favorite Jaws copycat; and the witty artist-baker Sara Reiss regaling us with her own home-made breakfast cereal knock-offs?

And oh yeah...this time, for the first time ever, I got to join in the fun. That's right, it gave me great pleasure to take part in a show I've been enjoying for so long. As part of the night's festivities, I presented a tongue-in-cheek look at the unusual subgenre of calendar-inspired horror films that followed in the wake of John Carpenter's Halloween. I'm so proud of the finished product, in fact, that I've embedded it right here for your viewing pleasure...

I ran into some technical difficulties getting the bookend video clips to work, and so I'm simply including them here both before and after the PowerPoint itself. You can choose to watch them, or just jump right into the presentation, which is the second embedded video...

Halloween-Voiceover

More PowerPoint presentations from Brian Solomon

Thanks again to Kevin for inviting me to be a part of KGO. It was also a thrill to have a fan of the blog step out of the audience to shake my hand and offer sincere praise. It's always humbling to be reminded that people out there are actually reading this dreck. Those people are the reasons I keep writing. It may have gotten a bit slow around here as of late, but that's about to change.

Tweet

Kevin Geeks Out About... Rip-off Cinema! - 92YTribeca - New York, NY

Kevin Geeks Out About... Rip-off Cinema! - 92YTribeca - New York, NY

Click on the above link to learn all about the upcoming Kevin Geeks Out event on Thursday, September 15--in which I'll be one of the presenters. This is very exciting for me, as I've been a big fan of Kevin Maher for quite a while now, and followed his KGO series at 92YTribeca for some time. To have the opportunity to take part will definitely be one of the highlights of this little blogging adventure I kicked off nearly four years ago (can't believe it!).

The event is built around the concept of movies that ripped off previous hit films in a blatant attempt to cash in on their success. For those curious--and too lazy to click the link--I'll be presenting a little retrospective on the multitude of Halloween knock-offs that followed in the wake of John Carpenter's slasher classic. For those who remember, there was a time in the horror genre, after the booming success of Halloween, when everyone was scrambling for a special holiday/ritual event around which to theme a horror film--most memorably Friday the 13th, but there were so many others. Well, I'll be looking back at the best and worst of them in just a little over two weeks, so be there, or be square, Vault dwellers!

Tweet

The Tuesday Top 10: Favorite P.J. Soles Lines

Moving right along with this week's P.J. Soles Blogathon, here's a look at some of my favorite pronouncements from one of the most quotable scream queens of all time...

10. "You're really not gonna come? You're gonna miss out on the prom?" (Carrie)

9. "Go get me a beer!" (Halloween)

8. "I only use it on special equations." (Rock 'n Roll High School)

7. "Don't rip my blouse, it's expensive, you idiot!" (Halloween)

6. "I'm gonna treat it like a UFO sighting. I saw something, but I'm not quite sure what it was." (Stripes)

5. "So who cares? I always forget my chemistry book and my math book, and my English book, and my, let's see, my French book, and... well who needs books anyway, I don't need books, I always forget all my books, I mean, it doesn't really matter if you have your books or not... hey isn't that Devon Graham?" (Halloween)

4. "I'm a teenage lobotomy." - (Rock 'n Roll High School)

3. "Tom Roberts is so boring his brother is an only child." (Rock 'n Roll High School)

2. "Totally." (Halloween)

And of course...

1. "See anything you like?" (Halloween)


For more in the P.J. Soles Blogathon, keep your greasy eyeballs glued to the Vault's sister blog, Day of the Woman!

Tweet

In Honor of Friday the 13th--JASON GOES SHOPPING!

Happy Friday the 13th, Vault dwellers. I've never been very superstitious, so I've never really attached bad luck to it. As a matter of fact, it's a day close to my heart, because I was actually born on one. I know, not much of a shock there. Anyway, in recognition of the day, please enjoy this marvelous fan film by Sean Dillin, featuring a certain Mr. Voorhees.

You know, I think I may have actually been behind the big guy at the Stop 'n Shop checkout a time or two...

Tweet

Kevin Geeks Out Returns (Kind of) with a Dreamy Night of Dream Sequences!

For some time now, I've supported the work of a man truly doing great things in the realm of geek culture. That man is Kevin Maher, and his long-running series was known as Kevin Geeks Out, chronicled at length here in the Vault. Now, KGO may be history (for now), but I'm excited by the fact that the brilliant mind of Maher is still thriving, and the spirit of KGO lives on. Captain Cruella and I plan to be a part of it next Friday night, and we hope you will, too.

In the past, the KGO installments each took a specific aspect of geekery (robots, aliens, sharks, etc.) and built an entire show around it. This concept lives on in Tom Blunt's video variety show, Meet the Lady. Specifically, Blunt's next show is all about that tried-and-true tope of genre cinema, the dream sequence. And lucky for us, Tom will be partnering with Kevin to put together this sure-to-be-mesmerizing show. It all goes down Friday night at 92Y Tribeca in New York City, 8pm starting time (tickets only $12, so please go right here and snatch some up before they're all gone!)

Joining Tom and Kevin in this most worthwhile endeavor will be none other than my blogging comrade-in-arms, Ms. Tenebrous Kate of the Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire, who will be talking all about dream sequences in Italian gialli (worth the price of admission, in my opinion.) I'm also proud of the fact that the influence of the Captain and I has caused the creators of the event to include my personal favorite movie dream sequence of all time, the Labyrinth ballroom scene. Now, if David Bowie in a codpiece isn't enough to get you down there, I don't know what is.

In addition to presentations by Tom, Kevin and Kate, the two-hour show will also include a burlesque performance, a classical harpist, free snacks and more. I ask you, where else can you get entertainment like this, for just a smidge more than the price of a movie ticket? It's pop culture at it's finest, and I assure you, I will be there with bells on. Kevin Geeks Out has long been one of the highlights of my life as a professional nerd, and I'm thrilled to see that the tradition continues to live on. In fact, I can almost feel my own dream sequence coming on right about now....

[cue squiggly lines and harp crescendos....]

Tweet

Monster Cereals: Eating What Scares Us

If ever there was anything dependable about the nature of humanity--other than the fact that we will always find reasons to divide ourselves--it's that we will do anything we can to mentally protect ourselves from that which we fear. And because the ultimate fear for the human race has always been death--the great unknown certainty from which none of us can escape--it's fascinating to see just what lengths we will go to bury that certainty deep down in our psyche. Horror in particular is not much more than a vast exercise of this very kind.

After all, how else to explain why the people most obsessed with all things mortal and macabre take the keenest interest in horror? Simply put, it's a catharsis; a way of coping in a fun and deflected way with something many of us have trouble dealing with, but are nonetheless fascinated by. So when my brethren in the League of Tana Tea Drinkers proposed a blog roundtable discussion on the phenomenon of "cute monsters" in horror, the whole thing was a no-brainer for me.

The question is, why do we infantilize creatures of horror the way we do in our modern culture? Why do we tend to make them "cute"? For my money, one of the most profound and telling examples of this is the beloved series of monster cereals from General Mills: Most famously Frankenberry and Count Chocula, but also their occasional friends Boo Berry, and yes, even Yummy Mummy. Here we have creatures that once inspired genuine terror in the hearts of men (and women)--turned into tasty, sugary treats for children (young and old) to eat while watching cartoons on a Saturday morning.

Think about it for a moment. Let's deconstruct, shall we? Once we peel back the layers of cuteness, what do we have? A cereal made in the likeness of a murderous, mindless being stitched together from corpses, and another in the likeness of a demonic vampire who drains the blood of the living. A cereal based on the immortal soul of a human being who has passed on, and another on the mummified and resurrected corpse of an ancient Egyptian pharoah. Granted, that's certainly reading a lot into it, but at the very base of it, isn't it true?

In the case of three of those monsters, the origins in popular culture can be traced to the classic Universal horror films of the early 1930s. Were it not for those films, there would certainly be no General Mills monster cereals. Yet those films were intended as straight-up horror, to chill the blood and inspire terror in the masses. And even before the days of motion pictures, the legends those films were based on stretch back even further into time--the novels of Mary Shelley and Bram Stoker; and further still, the dark folklore of ancient and medieval Europe, in which creatures such as vampires were wretched, repulsive enemies of humanity.

And yet fast forward a few centuries, and we're sitting on the couch munching on their little faces, soaked in multi-colored milky goodness. The ad campaigns surrounding the cereals have turned the monsters in cartoon characters, voiced in the likeness of famous horror actors of the past like Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Peter Lorre (again, individuals whose job was to inspire abject fear, now transformed into juvenile comedy).

Clearly, the bite of the classic monsters (pardon the pun) is dulled by portrayals such as this. I'm not saying they still don't have the power to terrify us--personally, I find Dracula, Frankenstein and The Mummy to still be frightening and powerful horror films. Nevertheless, it can't be denied that creatures which were once taken far more seriously have now become safe, tame, and consumable by children.

Why has this happened? Familiarity is part of it, to be sure. After all these years of being seared into our consciousness, Drac, Frank and the gang are more like old friends than entities out to destroy us. There's also the type of thinking alluded to earlier: Specifically, our willingness to take something which frightens us and defang it (quite litereally) so we can more easily process it psychologically.

Since death is at the very heart of horror, it's no suprise that most monsters are linked very closely to it. When we break it down, every single one of the General Mills cereal monsters is technically a dead person. Quite jarring to analyze it that way, but also quite true. They are based on beings which do nothing if not remind us of our own mortality. This is the basic source of the horror they all inspire; whether ghost, mummy, vampire, or flesh golem.

And so we do what we always do--we protect ourselves from what we fear, in this case using one of the most tried-and-true methods. We take away its power by turning it into something which is a parody of itself, a harmless representation suitable for small children--so far removed from its origins that one really has to do some mental gymnastics to make the connection.

But the connection remains--twisted, warped and mangled far from its original meaning--yet still there. We've transformed the monstrous into something more manageable, but it's still present, if only we look hard enough. So the next time you're loafing on your recliner, a heaping bowl of Frankenberry and pink milk sitting on your belly as you take in ESPN Sportscenter, think long and hard about the gruesome, undead, homicidal atrocities that inspired your delicious, cavity-inducing breakfast.

Bon appetit!

Tweet

Zombie Love Songs: You're the One That I Chomp

You're the One That I Chomp

Him: In the Hills,
We’re multiplyin’.
And we’re losin ‘control.
‘Cause the virus
We’re supplyin’,
It’s undeadafyin!

Her: I better eat up,
‘Cause I need a brain
And my heart is set to chew.
You better wake up;
You better reanimate
For my heart it must be chewed.

Him: Nothin’left, nothin ‘left for me to chew.

Both: You’re the one that I chomp.
(You are the one I chomp), oo ,oo, oo, Zombie.

(Taken from the pages of Michael P. Spradlin's Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime: A Book of Zombie Love Songs.)

Tweet

Zombie Love Songs: You Are Tender

You Are Tender

You are tender,
You taste sweet,
I'll never let you go.
You have made my death complete,
And I'll eat you so.

You are tender,
You I bite,
All your screams stifled.
For my darling, I eat you
Until I get my fill.

You are tender
You taste strong,
I nibble on your heart.
For it's what I must consume,
And your other parts.

You are tender,
Death is near,
Let me eat your spine.
You'll be mine, so dry your tears,
Now it's undead time.

When at last your screams are through,
Darling don't be slow.
Zombie hordes will follow you
Everywhere you go.

(Taken from the pages of Michael P. Spradlin's Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime: A Book of Zombie Love Songs.)

Tweet

Zombie Love Songs: I Want to Eat Your Hand

Ah, Valentine's Day is nearly upon us again! And unlike those woeful souls who choose to bemoan this holiday each and every year, here in the Vault, we celebrate it. Of course, we celebrate in a very unique way, because that's just how we roll.

In this case, we'll be cherishing the V-Day time of year by posting some fine selections from Michael P. Spradlin's latest poetry collection, Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime: A Book of Zombie Love Songs. This little tome was bestowed to me by a certain Captain of the undead not too long ago, and it's been a constant source of amusement since--so now I'm sharing it with you.

You may recall Spradlin's work from the zombie carols we ran here in the Vault during the 2009 Christmas season, and I assure you, these are just as entertaining. So cuddle close to the one you love and enjoy some brain-munching ballads...

I Want to Eat Your Hand

Oh yeah, I've turned into something,
You just won't understand.
When I say you're delicious
I want to eat your hand,
I want to eat your hand,
I want to eat your hand.

Oh please, say I'm a zombie,
I'm eating your brain pan,
And please, don't slay me
You'll let me eat your hand.
Now let me eat your hand,
I want to eat your hand.

And when I eat brains I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my gore
You can't hide, you can't hide, you can't hide.

Yeah, you've got that large brain,
I think you won't understand.
When I'll say I'm so hungry
I want to eat your hand,
I want to eat your hand,
I want to eat your hand...

Tweet

VAULT VLOG: Happy Halloween, Vault Dwellers...

Tweet

Brokeback of the Dead...

Because it gets damn lonely in that underground bunker...



* Thanks to Erin Rose Tollefsen of Little Shop of Zombies.

Tweet

Wee-Sol Draws a Kaiju Battle

In the grand tradition of Wee-Sol Draws a Zombie, I bring you my five-year-old son's latest foray into genre-based illustration. This time, he decided it would make his kaiju-lovin' pop happy if he sketched an all-out brawl between Godzilla and his long-time ally/enemy, Mothra, which now hangs majestically in my office:

(Click for a bigger image)

The little guy had some issues figuring out how to get the giant tail to lay just right (lower right-hand corner), but in the end I think he mastered it expertly. When he had a little difficulty visualizing, we decided it might be a good idea to pop in our beloved Classic Media DVD release of Godzilla vs. Mothra, which features a gallery of vintage movie posters. Here was the one he picked to use as inspiration:


How about that, Vault dwellers? To quote one of our mutual heroes, not bad for a little furball.

Tweet

Horror How-To Guides: A Joke That Doesn't Know When to Quit?

Typically, I find myself in the position of being a little too soft critically, for the most part. My usual position is liking something most others don't like; yet, one of the glaring exceptions was Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide, which I found to be a crashing bore, and most others seem to praise immeasurably. Loved World War Z, but Brooks' faux-DIY volume was a dreary, bone-dry, needlessly exhaustive affair that felt overlong at a mere 288 pages.

Upon starting Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers' The Werewolf's Guide to Life: A Manual for the Newly Bitten, I fully expected to have a much better time. And in the beginning, I did.

"To all those living with lycanthropy, this one's for you," reads the dedication. "Remember, take it one Moon at a time." And this tongue-in-cheek opening pretty much sets the tone for what is to come: A relatively lively and clever pseudo-guide for newly bitten werewolves and those close to them, with chapter headings like "When It Will Happen and What It Will Feel Like," "Home Is Where You Hang Your Restraints," "Romance and the Modern Lycanthrope" and "So You've Attacked Someone." Admittedly funny stuff--much moreso than Brooks' book.

However, The Werewolf's Guide to Life is kind of like one of those shaggy-dog stories that are really funny at first...then the laughter dies down to a chuckle...then just a polite smile...until you're sitting there just waiting for the person to finish, wondering how long it will go on for. You see, much like The Zombie Survival Guide, the whole thing is a clever joke, but one which doesn't quite know when to stop.

I love the idea behind The Werewolf's Guide to Life. Any book which introduces concepts like the mechanics of werewolf sex, or the best way to smuggle livestock onto your property, is going to get a positive reaction from me. However, it's a great idea that just doesn't translate well into a 236-page book. It would be much better served as a pamphlet or a booklet. Now I know the publishing industry kind of makes such a move both unfeasible and unwise, but that doesn't make the finished product any more readable.

Basically, it's a one-trick pony. The trick certainly has a lot of layers and nuance to it, but as a reader, I just had a hard time sitting through them all. Much like the point in The Zombie Survival where I started climbing the walls trying to get through a detailed explanation of firearms and their varying effects on the living dead, so too did I find myself twitching while reading about the pros and cons of suburbia vs. city life for the modern werewolf. The concept as a whole? Funny. The minutiae of the execution? Not so much.

To make myself clear, The Werewolf's Guide is a lot more entertaining than The Zombie Survival Guide, which is ironic since Max Brooks is the son of the one and only Mel Brooks, and a former SNL writer. Nevertheless, Ritch Duncan & Bob Powers are not exactly slouches--both men are accomplished comedians and comic writers. Duncan has worked as a standup, and also wrote for SNL, as well as shows like The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn, and Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn (he was also the author of the 2004-05 blog "What Is Happening to Me?"--the first-person story of a new werewolf that was something of an inspiration for The Werewolf's Guide.) And Powers has experience in the realm of "fake how-to" books, with acclaimed tomes such as Happy Cruelty Day! and the Just Make a Choice! series.

I even had the opportunity to see a presentation on Jaws & Jaws 2 given by Duncan (pictured) at Kevin Geeks Out About Sharks, and it was hilarious. No doubt about it, these guys are funny. But even they can't keep the laughs going with such a thin premise, and it really starts to get tedious after about 100 pages. Interestingly, the most consistently amusing aspect of the book turned out to be the illustrations by New Yorker cartoonist Emily Flake, which were far more funny and ludicrous than the dryly demonstrative illos in The Zombie Survival Guide.

The Werewolf's Guide to Life is the kind of a book that is just cool for being what it is, and you can get a kick out of owning it and proudly displaying it, like a novelty item that makes for good conversation at parties. But I just can't recommend reading it all the way through, unless you actually are a werewolf in need of some guidance. Then, by all means, go to town.

Tweet

The Vincent Price/Christopher Lee Birthday Throwdown!

Breaking with the somber remembrance of the birthday of Peter Cushing yesterday, tonight in the Vault, let's have a little fun celebrating the shared birthday of two other horror immortals, one still with us, one no longer. One was an effete American with a penchant for cooking who once rapped with Michael Jackson; the other, a swarthy Englishman who played Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy and a gay biker. Tonight, it's all about Vincent Price vs. Christopher Lee.



Vamping It Up!

Yeah, I know. This one's not even fair. Chris Lee has played the Transylvanian Count more times than any actor alive or undead, a total of ten occasions from 1958's Horror of Dracula to 1976's Dracula and Son.


Price very famously turned down the role of Dracula a number of times, believing he could add nothing to it. He did, however, play Dracula's cousin once on an episode of F-Troop.


Special Effects Extravaganzas!

Christopher Lee, in more recent years, has taken part in some big-budget blockbusters--like Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, in which he fought Yoda.



Price's earliest horror effort was 1940's The Invisible Man Returns, in which he pulled off a vanishing act quite impressive for its day (and pretty damn cool today.)



Crappy Musicals!

If you ever want to experience Christopher Lee's rich baritone, look no further than The Return of Captain Invincible, in which he played the evil Nazi Mr. Midnight...



Anyone remember The Great Mouse Detective? That would be Price as the voice of the dastardly Rattigan...



Playing It for Laughs!

Lee has not been one to poke much fun at himself, although he can be seen doing comedic turns in such films as Gremlins 2 and the critically acclaimed Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, in which he played Commandant Alexandrei Nikolaivich Rakov.


Price was far more enthusiastic about making fun of himself, as evidenced by his countless variety show appearances throughout the 1950s-1980s. I'm particularly fond of his child-frightening appearance with Kermit the Frog.


Beards!

Lee rocked some Father Time-like facial hair as the wizard Saruman in another cherished geek franchise, The Lord of the Rings.


And who could forget the curly Jew-beard, complete with fake hook nose, worn by Price taking on the part of The Merchant of Venice's Shylocke in Theatre of Blood?


Bond Villainy!

A career film heavy's ultimate goal might be playing a Bond villain, and Lee got to do so as Francisco Scaramanga in 1974's The Man with the Golden Gun.


The closest Price came to playing a Bond villain was playing Egghead on the Batman TV show.


Political Incorrectness!

Lee played the very devious, very Oriental Dr. Fu Manchu on five different occasions.


Aside from the aforementioned Shylocke thing, Price also took on the disguise of a stereotypically gay hairdresser for Theatre of Blood as well, complete with '70s white man fro!


Did you know that the two men appeared in a total of four films together? They are, for those keeping score:

• The Oblong Box
• The Horror Show
• Scream and Scream Again
• House of the Long Shadows

And finally, as we celebrate these two elder statesmen of horror who share a birthday, let's not forget one other horror icon who shares this birthday as well!

"Hey guys... Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? For me... the worst way to die would be for a bunch of old men... to get around me... and start biting me, and eating me alive..."

* Special thanks to Kevin Maher for his immense help in putting this post together.

Tweet

The Human Centipede vs. The Very Hungry Caterpillar

So everyone's really been buzzing about a heartwarming little film known as The Human Centipede! Now, I don't know about you, but the minute I heard about this movie, the first thing that popped into my mind was the title of one of my all-time favorite kids' books. Perhaps this is what comes from being both a parent and a horror fanatic simultaneously... But, be that as it may, this is not the right place if you're looking for a review *. However, if you happen to be looking for a comparison of the year's most controversial piece of scatological torture porn and one of the most cherished works of juvenile literature ever written, then step right up!

Cover: The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Poster: The Human Centipede

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar tells the story of a caterpillar munching his way through various bits of his favorite food, before finally being reborn as a beautiful butterfly.

The Human Centipede tells the story of a mad scientist who sews people's mouths to other people's rectums to create an abominable freak of nature.

Advantage: Human Centipede
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar stars an amiable insect painted in warm orange, green and yellow hues.

The Human Centipede stars severe German actor Dieter Laser, who also appeared in the 2001 film Suck My Dick.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was the product of Eric Carle, an award-winning children's author who also gave us Pancakes, Pancakes; Have You Seen My Cat?; and The Grouchy Ladybug.

The Human Centipede was the product of Dutch writer/director Tom Six, who debuted in 2004 with Gay in Amsterdam.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar teaches us how to count to five, as well as the different days of the week.

The Human Centipede teaches us never to ask for help if we get a flat tire in suburban Germany.

Advantage: Human Centipede
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was published in 1969.

Dieter Laser made his screen debut in 1969.

Advantage: Even
__________________________________________________

In The Very Hungry Caterpillar, our protagonist eats such things as chocolate cake, ice cream, watermelon, a lollipop, salami and a pickle.

In The Human Centipede, our protagonists eat each others' feces. They also drink a glass of water laced with rohypnol.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
__________________________________________________

Eric Carl was inspired to write The Very Hungry Caterpillar by punching holes in a stack of paper with a holepuncher.

Tom Six was inspired to write The Human Centipede by a conversation in which he and a friend tried to come up with the most heinous concept imaginable.

Advantage: Human Centipede
__________________________________________________

George W. Bush often showed children The Very Hungry Caterpillar while visiting classrooms during his presidency.

George W. Bush did not often show children The Human Centipede while visiting classrooms during his presidency.

Advantage: The Human Centipede
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar was featured on Sesame Street.

The Human Centipede was featured at Screamfest and Fantastic Fest.

Advantage: Very Hungry Caterpillar
__________________________________________________

The Very Hungry Caterpillar is known for introducing readers to the wonder of metamorphosis, from egg to pupa to butterfly, reinforcing the notion of life's perpetual renewal.

The Human Centipede contains a scene in which a Japanese man is coerced to carry a newspaper in his mouth while dragging two American tourists attached to his ass.

Advantage: Human Centipede
__________________________________________________

Result: The Human Centipede 5, The Very Hungry Caterpillar 5, one category even! It's a dead heat, folks! I'm afraid you'll have to be the final judge in this epic battle of sadistic horror and life-affirming boardbooks. Personally, I take this as a sign that they are simply meant to be enjoyed together.

* Yes, there will be an actual review at some point very soon.

Tweet