Love peace peace love

The big day has arrived!

Most of the flags are up, the scorecards are printed, between us we've scrubbed the place ready for visitors. The Madam's watered the garden. Just the buffet to set up, and it'll be "all systems go" for our Grand Eurovision Party 2024!!

While the anticipation builds for the dressing-up, the arrival of "our gang" [there's fourteen of us this year!] and the general craziness of it all, let's revisit this fantabulosa piss-take that was actually performed by one of tonight's hosts Petra Mede, together with the gorgeous Måns Zelmerlöw in the interval of the contest [again in Sweden] back in 2016:

[Måns]: Step 1! Get everyone's attention. A powerful, majestic start. Maybe a battle horn of some kind?

[Petra]: Step 2! Drums! There has to be drums! It doesn't hurt if the drums are played by gorgeous topless men. It's proven very efficient throughout the years. But, please feel free to try other alternatives. It's proven very helpful to go the exact opposite way. Use a grandmother!

[Måns]: Step 3! Show the viewers your country's ethnic background by using an old traditional folklore instrument that no-one's heard of before
[Petra]: No, no - in this case, it's proven much more efficient to not use a young model. Go with an old man instead. A beard helps!
[Måns]: This instrument is called a Swedish kvinnaböske - a small roundish piece from the horn family, inherited from the Vikings. Just make something up. No-one will know!

Step 4! In Eurovision, nothing says winner like a violin. Trust us - bring a violin

[Petra]: Step 5! The violin, the drums and the kvinnaböske might make it all feel a little bit old fashioned, but this can easily be fixed by adding a DJ who pretends to scratch. In real life of course, this is thirty years old but in Eurovision, it will give your number a contemporary feel

[Måns]: Step 6 - costumes! You need to look memorable, something that the viewers will notice.
[Petra]: Oh! Perfect!

Step 7! The song. Everything else might be important, but the song is essential. Let it be about something everyone can connect to. Love works. Peace is also a popular way to go
[Måns]: Yes, peace is good. ABBA actually won the competition with a song about war with Waterloo, but this is not something we recommend
[Petra]: Now when you have everything you need and the pieces are gathered - go for it and don't look back!

[Måns]: Let the song begin with passion
Let the wind begin to blow
[Petra]: You can break the rules of fashion
And your chance to win shall grow
Look into the TV camera
So the audience can see
[Måns]: That you're lovable - not desperate
Smile and they will vote for me

[Both]: Fill the stage with light
As dancers will join us
The expectations grow
It's time for the chorus

Love love peace peace
[Måns]: Old women baking bread
Peace peace love love
[Petra]: And a man in a hamster wheel
Love peace peace love
Make it unforgettable
You will be the best
And win the Eurovision Song Contest

[Måns]: Now we'll go down a notch
Our hands will touch
Pretending we're in love
[Petra]: It's you and me and when we change the key
[Both]: We'll give the world a show
It begins to snow

Love love peace peace
[Petra]: And a burning fake piano
Peace peace love love
[Måns]: And a Russian man on skates
Love peace peace love
It'll be incredible
You will be the best

Love love peace peace
[Måns]: Party for everybody!
Peace peace love love
[Petra]: More tricks in a hamster wheel
Love peace peace love
And we can guarantee
That you will be the best
And win the Eurovision Song Contest
And win the Eurovision Song Contest

This is NOT an event that takes itself too seriously...

Eurovision Song Contest 2024 in Malmö, Sweden

Totty of the season

Chris Evans (born 12th June 1981)

Måns Zelmerlöw (born 12th June 1986)

Eddie Cibrian (born 16th June 1973)

Aaron Taylor-Johnson (born 13th June 1990)

Buffet, anyone?

Totty of the season

Louis Jourdan, whose centenary it is today [more here]

Johnny Depp, 9th June 1963 [more here]

Barry Evans, 18th June 1943 [more here]

Chris Evans, who was 40 on 13th June [more here]

Neil Patrick Harris, 15th June 1973 [more here and here]

Måns Zelmerlöw, 13th June 1986 [more here]

Richard Madden, 18th June 1986 [more here and, especially, here]

Hugh Laurie, 11th June 1959

And finally...

...one for Ms Scarlet!

Aidan Turner, 19th June 1983 [more here]

Trust us - bring a violin

Albeit a strange prospect, since we customarily would have been swathing Dolores Delargo Towers in the "flags of all nations" and getting our costumes ready for our traditional Eurovision Song Contest house party by now - for the first time, we'll be watching the live final on our own. Last year, the contest was cancelled and replaced with studio-based "specials", which we tried to watch en masse via Zoom; it was cumbersome but needed little concentration, as there was no voting. [As my regular reader will already know, we usually have voting cards and allocate marks for song, outfit, dreadful dance routine, buff totty backing dancers, and so on - it's a deadly serious process. Ahem.] 

We decided not to do it this year, as the logistics would be unmanageable.

Our friend Jim has, however, offered to host pre- and after-contest Zoom sessions, so we will have a chance to gather and do some toasts and "post-match analysis", as it were...

While we wait for the madness to begin this evening, we're listening to Radio 2's countdown of "The UK’s All-Time Eurovision Top 50", as voted for by listeners (myself included). The station's schedule is entirely given over to a celebration of Eurovision today, so there'll be a lot to keep us occupied...

Meanwhile, let's revisit this fantabulosa piss-take that was actually performed by the contest's hosts in the interval of the contest back in 2016:

Måns Zelmerlöw and Petra Mede - Love Love Peace Peace

[Måns]: Step 1! Get everyone's attention. A powerful, majestic start. Maybe a battle horn of some kind?

[Petra]: Step 2! Drums! There has to be drums! It doesn't hurt if the drums are played by gorgeous topless men. It's proven very efficient throughout the years. But, please feel free to try other alternatives. It's proven very helpful to go the exact opposite way. Use a grandmother!

[Måns]: Step 3! Show the viewers your country's ethnic background by using an old traditional folklore instrument that no-one's heard of before
[Petra]: No, no - in this case, it's proven much more efficient to not use a young model. Go with an old man instead. A beard helps!
[Måns]: This instrument is called a Swedish kvinnaböske - a small roundish piece from the horn family, inherited from the Vikings. Just make something up. No-one will know!

Step 4! In Eurovision, nothing says winner like a violin. Trust us - bring a violin

[Petra]: Step 5! The violin, the drums and the kvinnaböske might make it all feel a little bit old fashioned, but this can easily be fixed by adding a DJ who pretends to scratch. In real life of course, this is thirty years old but in Eurovision, it will give your number a contemporary feel

[Måns]: Step 6 - costumes! You need to look memorable, something that the viewers will notice.
[Petra]: Oh! Perfect!

Step 7! The song. Everything else might be important, but the song is essential. Let it be about something everyone can connect to. Love works. Peace is also a popular way to go
[Måns]: Yes, peace is good. ABBA actually won the competition with a song about war with Waterloo, but this is not something we recommend
[Petra]: Now when you have everything you need and the pieces are gathered - go for it and don't look back!

[Måns]: Let the song begin with passion
Let the wind begin to blow
[Petra]: You can break the rules of fashion
And your chance to win shall grow
Look into the TV camera
So the audience can see
[Måns]: That you're lovable - not desperate
Smile and they will vote for me

[Both]: Fill the stage with light
As dancers will join us
The expectations grow
It's time for the chorus

Love love peace peace
[Måns]: Old women baking bread
Peace peace love love
[Petra]: And a man in a hamster wheel
Love peace peace love
Make it unforgettable
You will be the best
And win the Eurovision Song Contest

[Måns]: Now we'll go down a notch
Our hands will touch
Pretending we're in love
[Petra]: It's you and me and when we change the key
[Both]: We'll give the world a show
It begins to snow

Love love peace peace
[Petra]: And a burning fake piano
Peace peace love love
[Måns]: And a Russian man on skates
Love peace peace love
It'll be incredible
You will be the best

Love love peace peace
[Måns]: Party for everybody!
Peace peace love love
[Petra]: More tricks in a hamster wheel
Love peace peace love
And we can guarantee
That you will be the best
And win the Eurovision Song Contest
And win the Eurovision Song Contest

This is NOT an event that takes itself too seriously...

History repeating...

We wuz robbed! Again.

The UK entry in the Eurovision Song Contest might not have been our taste, but it (and singer Michael Rice) wasn't so bad that it deserved to come last in the contest - there was certainly a helluva lot worse on offer on Saturday night...

Our gang gathered en masse at the completely flag-bedecked Dolores Delargo Towers once more - all dressed for the occasion, and champing at the bit for the "Gay World Cup" to come. As ever, I do the allocations for the guests - one country for costume/flag, one for booze and one for food each - and as ever, they did not disappoint!

Among the representatives, we had a Swedish flag on legs, a character from a Breugel painting (Netherlands), a Thor (Norway) and an S&M Viking (Iceland):



... and there was a frou-frou Czech national, a Portuguese peasant, an Israeli girl folk dancer with a beard - and... Bernadette from Priscilla Queen of the Desert (Australia)!



Every surface was creaking with morsels (and drink, of course) in the copious buffet, and we had plenty of time for libations and merriment (and an "ooh-ah" at the extensive gardens) before - scorecards in hand - we prepared for the "songs" to begin.

As is expected every year, it was a mixed bag. We loathed the "virtue signalling" French entry, the German "sisters" and the execrable (and most peculiar-looking) couple from Slovenia; but on the whole, a vast number of the entries committed the cardinal sin of just being boring - including the eventual winner from the Netherlands. As my sister said, loads of “we are all one, love, unity, love, children, bunnies”.

Host Graham Norton was on top form, as usual, with his sly back-handed compliments and hilarious asides - but even he could not save us.

The official voting system (first the jury votes, then the public ones) caused some wild variations in the final winners' table - for the first half of the voting, it was a neck-and-neck race between the North Macedonian and Swedish entries, but the public preferred Italy, Russia (of course, given the number of Eastern European ex-pats), Switzerland and the Dutch:

1 Netherlands
2 Italy
3 Russia
4 Switzerland
5 Norway

We, on the other hand, had a rather different Top 5. In ascending order:

5:

John Lundvik - Too Late For Love (Sweden, Eurovision Song Contest 2019)

4:

Miki - La Venda (Spain, Eurovision Song Contest 2019)

3:

Chingiz - Truth (Azerbaijan, Eurovision Song Contest 2019)

2:

Hatari - Hatrið mun sigra (Iceland, Eurovision Song Contest 2019)

1:

KEiiNO - Spirit In The Sky (Norway, Eurovision Song Contest 2019)

Our ultimate favourite Norway was the only one that was in the "real" Top 5 (in fifth place). It is a fabulous production number - and where else but Eurovision would you hear rapping in Saami (the language of Lapland)? And yes! We did love those "rebellious Icelanders" - the ones who, controversially, waved Palestine flags at the camera during the voting, to piss off the Israeli hosts - BDSM and all. However, although he did not get as low a score as in the real contest, the UK entry was not one of the most popular round our place...



And what of Madonna's much-vaunted half-time performance? Hmmm. Not one of her best, we agreed. As Ed Power in his (two-star) review for the Telegraph summed it up perfectly:

Coming on after an evening of glitz, kitsch and Australians wobbling on huge sticks, Madonna seemed to find it difficult to read the room. The result was a turn that felt skittish and which, for all its ambition, never truly connected.

It didn’t help that her voice didn’t quite hit the peaks we know it can. Nor at any point did she appear to be be enjoying herself. Her trip to Israel had been condemned by pro-Palestine groups. Madonna had responded by saying she would “never stop playing music to suit someone's political agenda” and would pray “for a new path toward peace”. She certainly presented an unbowed figure on the night. But had the criticism unmoored her slightly?

The idea that Madonna could turn up at Eurovision dressed as a one-eyed space pirate, surrounded by humming monks, yet fail to add to the camp quotient obviously sounds absurd. Nevertheless, she did slightly suck the heat out of the room as she kicked off with a scary goth version of Like A Prayer.

She appeared at the top of a stairs that seemed to have been pinched from the set of Game of Thrones. This in itself was a distraction. Madonna and steps haven’t had the happiest of histories and her tumble at the 2015 Brit Awards will have been on the minds of many watching at home (you can bet it was on Madge’s).

But, to her credit, she made it all the way down. There her treat was an appearance by two further singing monks carting huge styrofoam battering rams.

The excitement wasn’t over (actually it hadn’t really begun) as she segued into her new single Future, for which she was joined by rapper Quavo [in an interview beforehand Quavo revealed he was delighted to be at Eurovision despite seemingly having learned of the existence of Eurovision five minutes earlier].

Here Madonna abandoned any pretence at trying to win over the Eurovision audience. This was a grim, auto-tuned number that wanted very badly to be a Soundcloud rap banger. Her dancers were obviously now wearing gas-masks while the video screens projected images of flames and grim-looking world leader types. It takes a lot to reduce a Eurovision audience to a mass of restless moochers. But Madonna managed it.

Perhaps the crowd was fed up from all the waiting. All evening we’d been teased about an exclusive Madonna appearance. We knew she was in the building, having arrived in Tel Aviv earlier in the week on the private jet of Israel-Canadian billionaire Sylvan Adams.

The expectation was that once all 26 singers were done, we’d cut to a mad-for-it Madge and her monks. Instead the slightly seat of its pants production forced us to watch the “one of the world’s greatest mentalists” and to then applaud a woman dressed as a banana singing about bananas.

This was weird but not nearly as weird as Madonna in the contestants’ green room. She was in full intergalactic corsair outfit and being interviewed by one of the terrified hosts. When she failed to laugh at one of his jokes and instead glared at her trousers you could almost see his soul leave his body. It got stranger – of course it did – as Madonna forced the Eurovision hopefuls to sing the chorus of her 2000 quasi-hit Music, in furtherance of world peace. Even with world peace on the line they didn’t really seem into it.

All of which led up to the actual performance. Madonna, her monks and gas masks having creeped out 200 million viewers at home, will have concluded that she at least got our attention. The organisers may have wished they’d asked Kylie instead.

Ouch.

For us, the best part of the whole evening was the segment where four previous winners of the contest were invited to perform winning songs originally done by other artists...

Conchita Wurst, Måns Zelmerlöw, Eleni Foureira, Verka Serduchka - "Switch Song" (Eurovision Song Contest 2019)

Sorry, Madge - but that's what Eurovision is all about... [And all eminently suitable for a Tacky Music Monday, of course!]

Same time, same place, next year? Of course!

We wuz robbed, again - #737 in a series

You could probably have heard the cheering, shouting and jeering emanating from Dolores Delargo Towers last night several miles away. We had a grand old time! I have once again been hoovering up wig hair, marabou and glitter all day.

But it was a joy, as always, to play host to our celebration of the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual event that has been in our collective consciousness [except perhaps Joe, who's American, and Houseboy Alex, who was - sadly - born in 1981; bastard] since the "glory days" of the 1970s. Our gathering included a Swedish Hildegarde, a Romanian Mamluk, a Polish builder, a Portuguese Lavradeira dancer, a be-masked Belgianite, the embodiments of the Dutch, Hungarian and Spanish flags, Aphrodite from Greece, an Italian guardiamarina and a French "Johnny Onions". And I found myself the perfect outfit for a 70s compère...



The UK may not have got anywhere near "sniffing distance" of winning the contest - and, truth be told, no-one really thought (given the inevitable way that "political voting" works every year at Eurovision) that we really would. Pleasingly, we did get the highest number of points we've had since 2011, including douze points from the Australian jury, ten points from Slovenia and eight from Albania. However, once phone votes were counted, we slipped way down the list in favour of all the Eastern European nations. Again.

It was a particularly mixed contest this year, though. The usual gamut of overdone power-balladry (both from the parade of fairly similar long-white-dress-clad females and from the plucked-eyebrow-boy-soloists, of which there were quite a few; several too many for our liking) and gimmicks (oh look! a fat pseudo-opera singer duetting with himself! yodelling! a dancing gorilla! a rising podium! some computer graphics! Yawn) was balanced by what (to me, anyway) seemed to be a number of more relatively decent songs than usual...

With one of those very numbers, this year's Eurovision also gave some hope to the "perennial losers", plucky little Portugal - whose entrant Salvador Sobral won it; the country's first ever winner in the entire fifty-three-years they have participated in the Eurovision Song Contest! The song itself was an unusual choice, a (rather uncomfortably slow) ballad that sounds like something that might have been popular in the pre-rock'n'roll era - Amar Pelos Dois. His vocal performance [here duetting with his sister - who wrote it - after winning], however, is quite likely what swung it...

Salvador Sobral - Amar Pelos Dois

And before you ask, here's the dancing gorilla, courtesy of "the bookies' fave", Italy's Francesco Gabbani and Occidentali's Karma [which only managed sixth place in the final count]:

Francesco Gabbani - Occidentali's Karma

...and, for your delectation, the amusing half-time spoof Rocky-style "boot camp" for this year's (crap) Ukrainian hosts, with last year's (brilliant) Måns Zelmerlöw:

Learning how to be the perfect Eurovision host with Måns Zelmerlöw

All our gang had the usual scoresheets [thank you, John-John!], and thus armed we were determined to make our own feelings on the matter known. After our scores were rounded up, Senhor Sobral came only seventh in the Dolores Delargo Towers popular vote. Our Top Five (in ascending order) was as follows:

#5 - The rather accomplished harmonies of Dutch sisters OG3NE, with Lights and Shadows [which finished at #11 in the actual contest]:

OG3NE - Lights and Shadows

#4 - The ruggedly cute Cypriot Hovig [who is apparently a former busker in Trafalgar Square, so, we surmised, probably has family in our own Cyprus-Turkish-dominated locality of Harringay] with the very catchy Gravity [#21 on the night]:

Hovig - Gravity

#3 - The rather natty footwork'n'sax combo of Moldova's Sunstroke Project with Hey Mamma [also #3 in the "real" votes]:

Sunstroke Project - Hey Mamma

#2 - Speaking of natty footwork, the very sexy Robin Bengtsson (representing Sweden), with his bulging trousers and his safety gays and all, who really should have won with the remarkable I Can't Go On [only #5 according to the final votes]:

Robin Bengtsson - I Can't Go On

...and our Number 1 scoring song was (inevitably - but she really was impressive!) the UK's very own Lucie Jones and Never Give Up On You [voted #15 in the final; not too bad, all things considered]:

Lucie Jones - Never Give Up On You

Hers was definitely the best female vocal performance in the whole show. [And she's Welsh!] What a voice...

What a night!

Same time, next year..?

Eurovision Song Contest official site

We wuz robbed, but so was Putin!

We're heartily sick of saying it, but it seems that the UK really isn't terribly popular in Eurovision-land. Joe and Jake's song was not a bad one, but even in one of the most bizarrely unpredictable Song Contests for years, they really did deserve better...

And it certainly was unpredictable (in every way but the usual plethora of over-strained, preposterous power-balladry, of course)! All bets from the pundits prior to the show opening were on an outright win for the "pariah state" in this bastion of gay-fan-dominated entertainment (we call it the "Gay World Cup" for a reason) Russia - and, heavens, did the Kremlin pull out all the (theatrical) stops to try and make it so? Clever staging, trompe l'œil special effects, thumping club-oriented power-pop, pretty-boy singer, the lot.

Well ha-bloody-ha! That particular bit of political "muscling in" didn't work for Kaiser Putin and his homophobic state!

The evening was a long one - almost four hours of madness - but "our gang" (Me, Madam Arcati, John-John, Hils, Crog, Sal, Julie, Baby Steve, Alex, Russ, Jim and Paul) all crammed into our living-room for the duration. We take it all very seriously, you know: each guest is allocated a country to dress up as and/or wave the flag for, and one for booze and one for food; we have scorecards; I decorate Dolores Delargo Towers from top to toe in appropriate flags-of-all-nations decor - and time flies when you're having fun! And imbibing lots and lots of the aforementioned booze, of course.

As hostess, I was "All Nations" - and even decorated my "big boot" with fairy lights!



Madam Arcati was Belgium, so came as Poirot (d'accord):



We manfully sat through every iteration of Euro-naffness: the rather fab Belgian Stacey-Lattisaw-wannabee, the heavily pregnant Maltese singer with such a histrionic vocal style we honestly thought her final note might have coincided with a birth on stage, the Italian over-emoting singer in a plastic flower-clad set, the totty from Hungary, the uber-camp Israeli equivalent of Antony Hegarty, some truly terrible cod-rock, some even worse attempts at white-boy-rapping, and the hugely over-confident Dutch boy with bad eyebrows among them. The newcomers - last year they were "special guests" for the 60th anniversary, this year a full-fledged fixture - Australia actually provided a proper singer and a proper song which seemed, throughout, to be the fan favourite:

Dami Im - Sound Of Silence

Out of the blue, Graham Norton - our ever-reliable piss-taker BBC commentator - turned slightly serious at one point: “Tonight's Eurovision is a bittersweet one for all of us as it's the first contest since the death of Terry Wogan. Eight years ago when I first started presenting Eurovision he kindly and very graciously phoned me and said 'Don't ever have a drink before song nine.'

Well this is song nine. And while the crowd in the global arena cheer, I would urge you back home in the UK to raise a cup, a glass, a mug to the man who has always been the voice of Eurovision, Sir Terry Wogan.”

And we did. Cheers, Our Tel!

Highlights for us among the entertainers included our ultimate top-scorer Spain, with its "90s house" feel (it did rather badly in the final scores, much to everyone's surprise)...

Barei - Say Yay!

...the Bulgarian uber-trendy girl with a quirky half-skinhead hairdo and a quirky vocal to match...

Poli Genova - If Love Was A Crime

...and the sort-of-sexy sort-of-cool (in other words archetypal) French funkster:

Amir - J'ai Cherché

The contest being shown for the first time in the USA, it was fitting that the interval entertainment was provided by Mr Justin Trousersnake. He said some very nice things about Eurovision, and some words of encouragement for the performers, then he sang. So we all went to top-up our drinks, tuck into the buffet and have a pee. Far better, indeed, was the routine provided by our rather fab Swedish hosts (last year's winner) Måns Zelmerlöw and Petra Mede, and their "guide to success at Eurovision" - Love Love Peace Peace:

Måns Zelmerlöw and Petra Mede - Love Love Peace Peace

Hilarious - and actually a lot, lot better than most of the acts!



Anyway, after sitting through all twenty-six of the buggers, our gang's votes went thus:

Spain
Bulgaria
France
Russia
United Kingdom
Belgium
Armenia
Israel
Cyprus
Australia

Then came round two of our marathon evening's viewing - the votes of the official juries from each of the eligible countries (which is a lot more than those who actually participated, or passed the semi-final rounds). Here, we had the opportunity to cheer and boo (as appropriate) as the randomness began to take hold. Countries that usually vote for their neighbours were throwing out their "douze points" for other entrants for a change - particularly popular were Italy, Bulgaria and France - and, to our joy, "anything but Russia" would appear to have been a bit of a trend; and Australia led the pack to the end. But... And it is a big but...

The voting system this year was different, with a 50/50 split between jury votes and phoned-in votes. So the tension ramped up again, as we awaited the final results from the adjudicators (which were counted down by Mr Zelmerlöw and Miss Mede in a most nerve-wrackingly slow and dramatic fashion). Would Russia leap-frog the Aussies? Poland certainly had a helluva leap - from a "mighty" seven votes from the combined juries from 42 countries, they suddenly received a massive 222 more points via phone votes [which, we agreed, just shows how many Polish people live outside their home country - where they would not be able to vote for themselves]; a similar story for Bulgaria (which got 180 more points) and Armenia (134 new phone votes).

In the end it was Ukraine that trumped the Oz table-leaders (as well as their antagonist neighbours Russia) to win the contest, with (what we thought) a rather fraught number about political oppression...

Jamala - 1944

The final votes:

Ukraine - 534 points
Australia - 511
Russia - 491
Bulgaria - 307
Sweden - 261
France - 257
Armenia - 249
Poland - 229
Lithuania - 200
Belgium - 181

The UK came 23rd with a mere 62 points. Our fave Spain got 77.

Should anyone wish to enter a scientific analysis of who voted for whom, never fear - The Telegraph has done the hard work and has published a handy guide to the new voting system.

In spite of everything - same time, same place next year!

The Eurovision Song Contest is always a highlight of the Season.

We wuz robbed... again, #149 in a series

OK, we should have known. Britain is not the most popular country in Europe. It also does not (naturally) produce the kind of histrionic power-balladry or "oompah" Europop that appeals to various quarters of the continent.

However, I (and all our guests at last night's grand Eurovision extravaganza at Dolores Delargo Towers) thought that this year the UK's entry might have done a little better than FIVE bloody points! We awarded Electro Velvet's jaunty little "Jazz Age" number Still In Love With You, and their stunning performance with illuminated costumes, top marks in our voting (we all have especially prepared scorecards - this party is not just booze'n'buffet and dressing-up, you know! Well... mainly.).

Electro Velvet - Still In Love With You

And what of the rest? The ones that beat us included songs about adoption, songs about war and peace and death and love, a cod-opera number from Italy (that came third in the contest, and we voted 4th), "Xena Warrior Woman" (from Georgia), a Britney-Spears-looky-likey (from Spain), a bloody-Bruno-Mars soundalike (from Australia - "special guests" for the contest's 60th birthday celebrations), some electro-pop numbers, some that tried to emulate that "Conchita magic", lots of wailing and some truly horrible voices.


[The eyepatch - decorated with bling, of course - was due to an unfortunate reaction to an insect bite! The joys of gardening...]

A very close second in our "house votes" was a song that was not massively popular in the real-life results (it only got 53 points) - Serbia's larger-than-life Bojana Stamenov with Beauty Never Lies:

Bojana Stamenov - Beauty Never Lies

But our Number 3 was, it turned out, the actual winner on the evening - the utterly gorgeous Måns Zelmerlöw from Sweden with Heroes (and his impressively imaginative stage effects):

Måns Zelmerlöw - Heroes

The most scary part of this year's contest - Eurovision having been utterly swamped in recent years by the countries of Eastern Europe who were formerly in its sphere of influence, and whose votes invariably and predictably remain "eastwards" - was "Mother Russia"'s high scoring (they came second in the contest) entry A Million Voices, ironically another whiny "song about peace". Tell that to the Ukrainians.

Just the prospect of what is possibly the world's most popular musical event with us gayers across many cultures and divides [I do not include America as the populace there has never understood it - nor even been shown it - at all; it's most likely because they can't be involved and win, an equivalent being that American Football or Baseball games are referred to as a "World Series" even though absolutely nobody else plays them] could possibly be hosted next year in Kaiser Putin's tyrannical empire, where gays are so cruelly discriminated against and where "neighbours" are actually perceived as "new territory" (to be invaded rather than competitively sung against), was anathema to us. Judging by the (somewhat unfair, as Conchita herself tried to defend their singer against) boos and catcalls every time they got douze points, the massive audience at the event in Vienna agreed.

And so, as the votes from each of the 39 countries in Eurovision (plus guest Australia) mounted up, we found ourselves in the peculiar and unprecedented position of even cheering when countries such as Latvia got top marks from their neighbours. ABR (Anything But Russia), it seems.

We can only hope that one day a British entry might get there, might rediscover that little bit of magic that our last winner Katrina and the Waves (way back in 1997), or Buck's Fizz (who won in 1981), or even Brotherhood of Man (in 1976) - lord help us - had, and provide our proud nation (one of the "Big Five" that funds it all, of course) with a winner again...

Regardless of who, what, where or when, however, our Eurovision Song Contest party remains one of the highlights of our own "Social Calendar" - an opportunity for very good friends to dress up in ridiculous outfits (per nominated country), to screech at the telly, to laugh and get merry. We will be doing it all again, no doubt, same time, same place next year - and long may this ultimate kitsch-fest remain such a magnificent source of entertainment!

Eurovision anthem - Te Deum

Eurovision Song Contest