While it is busy...

Ukraine has begun talks with Panama, Greenland and Canada to settle the US’s petty territorial concerns for it while it is busy.

Noticing that the United States’ negotiation apparatus was all tied up in meetings with Russia, the eastern European nation has kindly stepped in and promised to ‘sort everything out’.

Foreign affairs minister Andrii Sybiha said: “The US has a lot on its plate right now, right as Musk’s fired half the government! But anything to help out a friend.

“We’ve put the US argument forward – I believe it’s that they should have whatever they want "because Trump", it didn’t take long – and we’re now hearing representations from the other countries at the table. Some convincing arguments!

“Our key aim is peace, of course, which is worth any price. So with that in mind we’re offering a unilateral withdrawal of US troops and generous reparations.

“I think the US will be delighted when they come out of whatever they’re doing and discover we’ve forged binding agreements on their behalf but without their input. We’ve saved them so much work.

“What, you say? The most powerful side will just ignore the agreements anyway? Oh. How unlike our own situation.”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Of coronations, subtle political gestures, and hamsters

[click to embiggen]

It will not have been lost on even the most casual viewer that the coronation carpets were in the colours of the Ukrainian flag. "A happy coincidence" is the official line - but we know that "The Firm" is much cleverer than that...

As we struggle to readjust after all that pomp and majesty to the dullness of work - and, as we also begin our countdown to the next great event of the season, the Eurovision Song Contest this Saturday - let's wallow, shall we, in the antics of the Ukrainian entry in the contest back in 2014, and the infamous debut of the "hamster-wheel man"?!

Mariya Yaremchuk - Tick-Tock

Have a good (rest of the) week, dear reader.

A work of art!

Activists have poured yellow and blue paint on the road just outside the Russian embassy in London in a striking show of solidarity with Ukraine.

"Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Putin's imperialist invasion of Ukraine, an independent state and a people with every right to self-determination.

"The existence of a massive Ukrainian flag outside his embassy in London will serve to remind him of that." - Led By Donkeys campaign group

They should have been given medals, not arrested.

Nightmares...

There are earworms so powerful that they begin playing on loop in your head simply by reading their names. Find out which:

Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex, 1995
A cash-in to the line-dancing craze then sweeping the world that killed the line-dancing craze sweeping the world, Cotton Eye Joe is a terrifying glimpse of life in the Deep South by way of Swedes doing a Eurodance makeover. You are already hearing it. Somewhere in the deepest recesses of your hypothalamus it never stopped.

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, 2011
The artist involved made a valiant effort not to be a one-hit wonder. But when your song has a hook this weaponised it will inevitably be all anyone knows you and hates you for. You’re humming this song already, as is someone who just walked past, and by 4pm it will have been transmitted to 40,000 people.

Baby Shark by Pinkfong, 2016
Has been watched on YouTube more than ten billion times. There are fewer than eight billion people on Earth. Do the maths; Baby Shark is more successful than humanity. Not many songs can put ‘used to psychologically torture prisoners in an Oklahoma jail!’ on the cover. This can.

The Great Escape theme by Elmer Bernstein, 1963
Whistled by office workers trapped in a nine-to-five who dreams of forming an escape committee, doing pommel horse exercises in the staff canteen while colleagues tunnel out, and dribbling soil out of their trousers as they nonchalantly walk to and from the office printer. This will now be playing all day in your mind, even tonight as you fall asleep.

Barbie Girl by Aqua, 1997
Another Scandinavian pop horror worldwide hit, fondly remembered by a generation of adolescent boys who fancied lead singer Lene Nystrom and ignored the bit where her arm falls off. The lyrics ‘kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky’ are never forgotten once heard, and in 2048 will be the last thing that goes through your mind before you die.

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Given the current news headlines, this one is mine...

Verka Serduchka - Dancing Lasha Tumbai

As I have said before, this song may ostensibly be an uber-camp, incredibly catchy, "nonsense song" - but Verka knew exactly what she was doing, as the lyric "Lasha Tumbai" does sound very much like she's singing "Russia Goodbye"...

Koroleva nochi!

Happy 30th birthday today to...

...Ukraine!

By way of a celebration, let's have a "kitsch-fest" [a musical style with which this nation is not unfamiliar], courtesy of a lady I "discovered" way back in 2013 - the singer, TV presenter and comedian known as "Super Blonde", Miss Olya Polyakova!

She's a bit of a Ukrainian gay icon. Can't imagine why...

Olya Polyakova - Hey, Wait a Second!

She likes the seaside - and carrots...

Olya Polyakova - Love-Carrot

....and finally... this sort of thing always happens to me when I'm shopping in the market:

Olya Polyakova - Queen of the Night

Love her!

[Koroleva nochi (Королева Ночи) = "Queen of the Night" in English]

Boom or bust?

Taking our minds off COVID, bankruptcies on the High Street and that fucking shitstorm in America whipped up by the nastiest wannabee-dictator since Pol Pot for a moment - in the Eastern Orthodox church calendar it's actually Xmas today! Festivities are going on in countries including Russia, Macedonia, Serbia, Ethiopia, Egypt, Bulgaria, Georgia, Moldavia...

...and Eastern Europe's home of "tacky music", Ukraine!

By way of a celebration, what could be better than a typically understated number from that country's former Eurovision sensation and Queen of Tackiness herself, Svetlana Loboda?!

Svetlana Loboda - Boom Boom

Class.

I'm gonna strike like thunder

Of all the things hit by this dratted coronavirus thingy, the loss of our beloved Eurovision Song Contest is one of the hardest blows. Our "gang" is going to try and make up for the absence of the usual madness that accompanies our traditional house-party via Zoom tomorrow evening - but without the dressing-up, the scorecards, the raucous cheering, the buffet-of-all-nations and the flags, and only a contest-free evening of programmes on the BBC to console us, it could never be quite the same...

Still, we're in the closing throes of another weird week of being house-bound, and the sun is shining, so let's start the party mood a bit early - in the company of another in a long line [see here and here] of Ukrainian wannabee-divas, Ms Ani Lorak and her safety gays - and Thank Disco Eurovision It's Friday!

Ani Lorak - Shady Lady

Shady, alright.

Don't forget to practice your shimmies and your gyrations, dear reader. You, too, could be the next Gina G.

Eurovision 2020 on the BBC

We're gonna do the bom bom

So, the sky is clear and the sun is shining - at last, May is doing what it is supposed to, after the grotty and cold snap we've had lately. Unfortunately, all this has come in time for us to return to the delights of the bastard office.

Never mind, eh? We at Dolores Delargo Towers are in full countdown mode to this weekend's Eurovision party, so...

...on this Tacky Music Monday, sod thinking about work, get your skimpiest, most outrageous clobber on, and enjoy the (ahem) talents of Svetlana Loboda!

Svetlana Loboda - Be My Valentine! (Anti-Crisis Girl)

Have a good week, peeps.

One down...

From the BBC:

Ukraine has announced it will not be taking part in next year's Eurovision Song Contest due to limited finances.

"We don't want to do something badly, and we don't have the money to do something well," said Zurab Alasania, of the state broadcaster NTU.

Mr Alasania said the broadcaster had to "optimise" its funds given the unstable financial and political situation caused by the conflict in east Ukraine.

Oh dear. We'll just have to do without such musical campness as these Ukrainian gems...

Ruslana - Wild Dances (which won Eurovision in 2004):

Ruslana - Wild Dances

Last year's entry Mariya Yaremchuk (notable mainly, if not solely, for the presence of the hunky man in the hamster wheel):

Mariya Yaremchuk - Tick-Tock

The country's foremost stripper singer Svetlana Loboda from 2009:

Svetlana Loboda - Be My Valentine! (Anti-Crisis Girl)

...and of course, the irrepressible Verka Serduchka with the wonderful Dancing Lasha Tumbai* (which came second in 2007):

Verka Serduchka - Dancing Lasha Tumbai

There has been no such statement from the aggressors in Russia, unfortunately.

*Incidentally, according to Wikipedia: There have been allegations that the words [Lasha Tumbai] were chosen due to their phonetic resemblance to "Russia Goodbye".

Eurovision - a "Hotbed of Sodomy"

From Pink News:

Petitions calling for the removal of Austria’s Eurovision entry have received thousands of signatures.

Drag artist Conchita Wurst, real name Tom Neuwirth, is set to represent Austria in two weeks’ time, with ballad Rise Like a Phoenix.

However, petitions launched in Ukraine, Russia and Belarus, all of whom enter the contest, are calling for the entry to be disqualified, or edited out of the broadcast in their country.

According to Reuters, the Russian petition calls on state broadcaster to refuse to air the contest.

It reads: “Austria will be represented in the Eurovision 2014 by the transvestite contestant Conchita Wurst who leads the lifestyle inapplicable for the Russians.

“The popular international competition that our children will be watching has become a hotbed of sodomy at the initiation of the European liberals.

“Russia is one of the only European countries that has managed to maintain normal and healthy family values based on love and mutual support between MEN and WOMEN.

“That is why we are against the Eurovision 2014 to be broadcast in Russia.”

Wurst will perform in the second semi-final, to be held on 8th May.

If successful, she will advance to the grand final on 10th May.

I hope she wins!

Watch the video for Rise Like a Phoenix below:

Conchita Wurst - Rise Like a Phoenix

Eurovision Song Contest 2014

Oh, those Ukrainians - no 439 in a series

Oh. My. Word.

We at Dolores Delargo Towers always love discovering a new, and especially camp, wannabee diva from foreign climes!

And here's another one from that eternal melting-pot of pop-kitsch (think Svetlana Loboda, Asiya Akhat, Kamaliya (also here) or indeed the marvellous Kazaky) - the Ukraine.

She's blonde, she's brassy, she's completely and utterly bonkers - laydeez'n'gentlemen, here's Miss Olya Polyakova!!

In Russian Style, she gets her boys to show us how to keep warm in mid-winter - with lots of baby oil...

Olya Polyakova - Russian Style

For some reason she was not picked to represent the Ukraine at the Eurovision Song Contest in 2012 with Petal. Heaven knows why not...

Olya Polyakova - Petal

She takes cartoon life to a level not seen since the heady days of Aqua with Shlepki:

Olya Polyakova - Shlepki

And here is her newest single, Lioli, Lioli:

Olya Polyakova - Lioli, Lioli

Which you must agree is classy.

Well, maybe not - but Miss Polyakova knocks loads of the other attitude-laden pop trash that haunts our charts into a cocked hat, as far as I am concerned!

Her country may have a terrible gay rights record (that Mr Elton John spoke out against) almost as bad as its neighbour Russia, but it seems the Ukraine is unbeatable for tackiness at the moment.

Olya Polyakova on Wikipedia (translated badly into English by Google).

[Thanks again to the lovely Henry at Barbarella's Galaxy. Of course!]

A Dame speaks her mind

A rather excellent article in the Guardian today by Dame Elton in the countdown to World Pride, I thought:

"On Saturday night I was in the Ukrainian capital, Kiev, performing at an Aids awareness concert. Some people might have preferred me not to come. Why? Because Ukraine, which waited so long for its own freedom, now threatens the freedom of gay people to express themselves in the most basic of ways – by taking part in a gay-pride parade or even speaking openly about homosexuality.

Draft law number 8711, due to be debated by the Ukrainian parliament this week, would make it an offence to talk about lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) issues in the media. Even HIV advice to gay men could be banned. Some of the local activists I spoke to believe it would become illegal even to use the word "gay" in public. And the penalties are harsh – heavy fines or up to five years in prison. According to the UN, the law would amount to state-promoted discrimination and would violate a large number of rights protected under treaties signed by Ukraine.

The threat to the LGBT population is not just theoretical; it is very real. Just over a month ago a gay pride march to celebrate the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia had to be called off less than an hour before it was due to begin because of a counter-demonstration. The police said they couldn't guarantee the safety of the marchers. One of the organisers, Svyatoslav Sheremet, was savagely beaten by thugs hiding behind surgical masks shortly afterwards and suffered eye injuries and multiple cuts and bruises to his face and body. I met this brave man backstage on Saturday night.

The wave of anti-gay violence and official harassment is not confined to Ukraine. Laws banning so-called gay propaganda were first passed in parts of Russia, including St Petersburg. Under the pretext of protecting minors, they make it illegal to hold any kind of parade, exhibition or even film festival that promotes equality for LGBT people. Just ask yourself how likely it is that a young person would be corrupted by a poster for a gay movie and you can see how absurd the laws are. They are a direct and intentional attack on the human rights of LGBT people.

How tragic that Ukraine, which suffered under Russian domination for so long, should now be following suit. In 1991, Ukraine became the first former Soviet republic to decriminalise homosexuality. Twenty years later, it is among the first to threaten to imprison gay people again.

If that wasn't bad enough, HIV charities – including my own Elton John Aids Foundation – are convinced the new law would make it harder to get safe-sex advice to the young people who need it most. The UN says the failure to protect LGBT rights is one reason why the HIV epidemic is advancing in Ukraine.

In Britain we know all about laws against the "promotion" of homosexuality. Section 28 was a piece of legalised prejudice that took years to remove from the statute books. These new laws in eastern Europe go much further.

I was joined backstage in Kiev by Lance Price, the executive director of the British LGBT rights organisation, the Kaleidoscope Trust. I am a strong supporter of the charity, whose message is simple: LGBT rights are human rights and human rights are LGBT rights. We are not asking for any special privileges, just the same protections under the law as everybody else.

This week, in the run-up to World Pride in London on Saturday, Kaleidoscope is launching a campaign – "What if it were illegal for you to be you?" Imagine if it were illegal to have blue eyes, or be under 5ft 10ins, and if breaking this law meant you could go to prison, or face attack or even death.

In Ukraine and elsewhere, gay people don't have to imagine it. They already face the very real prospect of being criminalised for their sexuality. In no fewer that 78 countries around the world homosexual acts are still illegal. In five of them the maximum penalty is death.

Until equality is respected everywhere and there is universal acceptance of human rights for all regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, I will continue to speak my mind. I have the freedom to do so and nobody can take it away from me. Every other gay person in the world deserves the same."

Well said!

Kaleidoscope Trust

Another dose of muzak...

This week, it hasn't just rained (literally) but it's poured - not only did the fearsome virus attack almost leave us stranded without a PC but today (yet again) Virgin Media left us without the interwebs for hours...

Still, better late than never - here's the latest selection of more recent choons I have selected for your delectation, dear reader.

Launching the selection in style is yet another Ukrainian wannabee diva - Kamaliya, with an incredibly OTT camp video for her new single (her first in English, apparently) Crazy in My Heart. Mike over at Pop Trash Addicts loves it, and I love it too...

Kamaliya - Crazy in My Heart

This month we welcome back that house favourite eccentric Miss Róisín Murphy, who seems to be heading for the dancefloors with her latest single Simulation (which is a collaboration with a mystery producer from the north of England, apparently - whoever that might be):

Róisín Murphy - Simulation

Speaking of welcome returns to eccentric artists, we haven't heard from the completely bonkers Mr Patrick Wolf for a while! And here he is, in fine Gothic form, with his latest - Together:

Patrick Wolf - Together

Back to the dancefloors - well, perhaps not to a "Ritzy" near you - here's a rather fab collaboration between the Swedish DJ Adrian Lux and UK electro-indie types The Good Natured. They're Alive:

Adrian Lux feat The Good Natured - Alive

On a bit more of a retro 80s kick is Charli XCX with the rather atmospheric Nuclear Seasons:

Charli XCX - Nuclear Seasons

And finally, rapidly becoming a bit of a favourite here at Dolores Delargo Towers are the magnificently camp Azari & III, here with their brilliant Reckless With Your Love:

Azari & III - Reckless With Your Love

As ever, enjoy!

Let's hear it for them...

I am well overdue a Pick of the Pops selection, and this week it appears to be the turn of the boys!

For a change there are no fierce ruling divas, no bubblegum-pop girlie groups from far-off countries, and no trilling Kate-Bush-wannabees - just testosterone...



Possibly the biggest star in New Zealand at the moment (name another) is a certain Dane Rumble. Yes, he is quite cute in a sheep-shagger sort of way, and no, I don't usually like his kind of music. However this remix of his new single is very catchy indeed!

Dane Rumble - Cruel (Starving DJs remix)

Blake Lewis was apparently a contender on something called American Idol. Eww! He didn't win. However, this little collaboration number is not bad at all...

DJ Dan & Uberzone feat Blake Lewis - Operator

A bizarre choice for me I know (please excuse the rapping), but I couldn't resist the "hook" on this new one by the West London bad boy calling himself "Example":

Example - Changed the Way You Kiss Me

The very lovely "Baker" is very much a new discovery - this is only his his second single. [What is it with these "one-name-artists" these days? His real name is Christopher Charles Baker, according to his website... But he's gorgeous. I'll forgive him.]

Baker - All I'm Gonna Say

Last - and most definitely not least - a recent discovery all the way from the Ukraine, courtesy of Henry over at Barbarella's Galaxy, Mr Max Barskih! I don't care where he's from, he is mine...



Apparently he makes music too.

Max Barskih - Lost In Love

Enjoy!

Fancy being in the middle?

Here at Dolores Delargo Towers, we like to think we are very generous to our domestic staff. We even let the houseboys have a night off every now and then!

Here's a little video they made in gratitude...

Kazaky - In The Middle

Whew!

Oh, those Ukrainians

Courtesy (again) of the lovely Teddi, I was introduced to this spectacularly camp diva. With her own particular brand of tackiness, here's Svetlana Loboda!

Svetlana Loboda - Mishka

But why confine yourself to one weird kitsch Ukrainian wannabe diva, when you can have two? Meet Asiya Akhat (with what seems to be an uncredited cameo by Elton John)...

Asiya Akhat - 69