You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

Totty of the Day: "Spiderman - No Way Home" was indeed a joy, for many reasons...

Another glorious Spring day spent in the garden, and it's all coming together nicely. Here's a suitable song for an Easter Sunday:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python's Life of Brian)

Stay happy, folks!

Oooh get her! Whoops - I've got your number ducky!

It's HM The Queen's Official Birthday today!

Lucky her, getting two bites of the birthday cherry... I imagine she's a bit pissed off, mind you. Not only will she be missing her favourite Royal Ascot races next week, but her ceremonial Trooping of the Colour was also cancelled for only the second time since she came to the throne - to be replaced by a socially-distanced parade at Windsor Castle instead.

I hope it went something like this...

Monty Python - Military Camp Drill

Now piss orf!

"He's Not The Messiah!" [Monty Python's Life of Brian]

RIP, Terence Graham Parry Jones. A genius.

"...and you sit next to a party from Rhyl who keep singing 'Torremolinos, Torremolinos' and complaining about the food"

Hordes of drunk, obnoxious Spanish tourists have arrived in Scarborough to enjoy the sunshine and take no interest in any other aspect of Britain.

The tourists, who speak no English and order tapas by calling every waiter Gary, have been lured here from Alicante by England’s balmy climate and relaxed pace of life.

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “I know they’ve only come for the sun, but would it kill them to take an interest in our proud, ancient culture?

“Instead all day they lie on the beach in their Speedos reading El Pais, picking at olives and manchego cheese before launching into offensive chants about Lionel Messi.

“Then they barge into our fish ’n’ chip shops, smashed on all-day Rioja, demanding pulpo a la gallega with a well-chilled Fino sherry, not even bothering to read what’s actually on the menu.

“Mind you, the businesses are happy to see them. Half the seafront’s turned into all-night paella bars called Picasso, and the flamenco from Don Quixote’s nightclub goes on all night.”

Tourist Juan Fernandez said: “Me and the wife are thinking of buying here and decking the house out with a massive Spanish flag. Why would we ever want to return to our grey existence in Granada?”

The Daily Mash

Of course.

Unfortunately, they're mostly now sat gloomily under awnings looking at the rain that arrived today, moaning about how much money they wasted coming to this shithole, I imagine.

And now for something completely different... [Well, not entirely]:

Monty Python - Travel Agent

We do routines and chorus scenes, with footwork impecc-able

"Our gang" congregated again in the salubrious surroundings of the Hoop & Grapes pub in Farringdon Road for one of our irregular "film club" afternoons today [late celebrations for History Boy's birthday] - which (obviously) stretched well into the evening...

Among the delights on show were this:

Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Camelot (Knights of the Round Table)

...and this:

Young Frankenstein - Puttin' on the Ritz

Simply faboo, my dears!

---

STOP PRESS: The evidence...



Hats!

Cockring news

All male BBC presenters have some form of penis adornment, it has emerged.

Following the promotion of Evan ‘Prince Albert’ Davis, sources within the corporation said it was dominated by a powerful cock ring clique called ‘the janglers’.

A BBC source said: “Pretty much all the BBC big beasts have some metal in their helmets.

“Huw Edwards sports an amethyst-encrusted hoop in his bell end, while Andrew Neil has four solid gold safety pins in each of his testicles.

“Alan Yentob has pewter chains connecting the base of his shaft to his ears.

“The BBC equivalent of a masonic handshake is to stick a hand in your left trouser pocket and make a rattling noise.

“It all started under Greg Dyke, who said you couldn’t trust a man who hadn’t experienced pain and bought jewellery.”

The Daily Mash.

Of course.

• Evan Davis to replace Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight
• Evan Davis, man of mystery?

Here's an appropriate number [even more so as this week saw the last (sob, sob) ever performance by the Monty Python's Flying Circus team on stage at the O2]:

Monty Python - Penis Song

Monty Python's global finale

Unashamed populist

85 years ago, a television legend was born.

Sir Bill Cotton (son of the famous bandleader Billy Cotton), as the BBC's Head of Light Entertainment in its 1970s heyday was always determined to promote British stars for British television, and during his time such transatlantic imports as Lucille Ball, Dick Van Dyke and Perry Como were replaced with the likes of Cilla Black, Des O'Connor, Russ Conway, Val Doonican and Bruce Forsyth.

He introduced and nurtured the production of many of the most famous of the BBC's light entertainment classic programmes - including Porridge, Dave Allen At Large, Dad’s Army, Morecambe and Wise, Till Death Do Us Part, Steptoe and Son, The Liver Birds, The Generation Game, Parkinson, The Two Ronnies, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em, Last of the Summer Wine, The Likely Lads and The Good Life.

"I am and always have been an unashamed populist," was his famous mantra.

Unsurprisingly his legacy has never been matched, and, in this era of reality/celebrity-dominated television, we mourn the demise of BBC light entertainment to this day.

A perfect excuse, methinks, to show a few reasons why...

Morecambe & Wise - Your Nuts, Milord

Dave Allen on Death

Monty Python - Spam

Dad's Army - Don't Tell Him, Pike

Morecambe & Wise and Shirley Bassey

Sir William Frederick "Bill" Cotton CBE (23rd April 1928 – 11th August 2008)

Song of the Day

Having had a shit last day in work before the long Easter break, followed by insufficiently satisfying after-work drinkies, this song just about sums it all up, methinks...

Monty Python - Medical Love Song

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I've had balanital chancroids
For quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you my darling
And I hope you get well soon.

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sore,
Your monilial infection
How I miss you more and more
You Dhobi's itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhoea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear

Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
Sent shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal balanitis, meningomyelitis, diplococcal cephalitis, epididymitis, interstitial keratitis, syphilitic choroiditis, and anterior u-ve-i-tis.

My clapped-out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee.
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he's ever seen
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green.

My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I'm dying from your love, my love
I'm your spirochaetal clown
I've left my body to science
But I'm afraid they've turned it down.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal balanitis, meningomyelitis, diplococcal cephalitis, epididymitis, interstitial keratitis, syphilitic choroiditis, and anterior u-ve-i-tis.

Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word

I joined hundreds of supporters of the Campaign for a Secular Europe campaign march through central London and rally today, and it was certainly an impressive day.



Many and varied were the speakers - including Peter Tatchell, Adam Knowles (Gay And Lesbian Humanist Association), Sue Cox (Survivors Voice Europe), Antony Lempert (Secular Medical Forum), Professor Richard J. Norman (University of Kent), Nahla Mahmood (Council of ex-Muslims of Britain) and Terry Sanderson, President of the National Secular Society. Here is his speech in full:

If you've seen the newspapers this morning or the TV news, you won't need me to make the case for secularism.

I have to admit, though, that neither secularism nor anything else could have controlled the insanity that has swept the Middle East and beyond over the past few days. There is religious madness involved, but also religious manipulation. This is as much about power-seeking as it is about offence at a film.

These Islam-dominated nations have a long way to go before secularism even becomes a remote possibility, but in Europe we are ready.

The people – when they are asked – say that they don't want religion to interfere in politics. They don't want priests in parliament. They don't want the pope's vision of the world. And yet politicians of all hues still indulge the would-be theocrats.

The Vatican is accorded ridiculous influence in the institutions of the European Union. There is no justification for this. But whenever an issue arise of what they see as "conscience" and we would regard as of human rights, their voice prevails above everyone else's.

We in Europe are ready and prepared for gay marriage. Many nations already have it and the terminal consequences that the Vatican and the Church of England predict did not come to pass.

A woman's right to abortion is secure almost everywhere in Europe – except in those nations still dominated by the Catholic Church.

In stem cell research, in the right to unfettered access to contraception, in the matter of choosing our own moment to die – in all these issues the churches seek to impose their doctrines by law on not just their congregations, but on everyone.

It is time now for politicians to lose their fear of religious leaders, to accept that they can't corral their followers into a voting bloc, and to give the people what they want - a peaceful, tolerant and progressive society.

We will never have such a society while politically-motivated religious bodies are permitted to call the shots.

Secularism is the answer. Of course religion and religious believers have a place in a democratic society, but that place must not be more privileged than anyone else's.

Secularism can underpin democracy to bring fairness and justice to everyone, without fear or favour. Make sure you take every opportunity to make that case.

An important message, and one I am proud to support.

We also had some musical entertainment, and among the sing-a-long songs was this gem:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Monty Python's Life of Brian)

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Secular Europe Campaign

You know, you come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

I often wondered what happened to the career of that wonderful Welsh singer/actress Sue Jones-Davies...

I remember Sue vividly as the "interloper" whose gravelly alcohol-fuelled vocals first added to, then ultimately destroyed the fictional band "The Little Ladies" in Rock Follies of 77. I was impressed with her voice then, and even more so when she appeared later in Victoria Wood's excellent sketch Keep on Shopping.

She famously appeared as the brilliantly-named Judith Iscariot, Brian's girlfriend in Life of Brian.

Bizarrely Sue is now the newly-elected Mayor of Aberystwyth(!) in West Wales, and her first action is to call for a lifting of the town's ban on the Monty Python film.

I'm not making this up, you know... Read the BBC article

Here's some of the memorable moments from Sue's career:

Rock Follies of '77

Victoria Wood show - "Keep on Shopping"

Monty Python's Life of Brian - I want to be a woman

Clip, clop!

I've never been in the Guinness Book of Records before! But last night as part of the St George's Day festival (not bad for a Welsh queen!), with good friends and more than 5000 other people, we broke the world record for a coconut orchestra...

Such fun! The "coconut Mexican wave", then the clip-clopping in unison to Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life - absolutely brilliant!

Gawd bless Monty Python I say...



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/6586187.stm