Of Klimt, fish sperm, postmodernism, porn, Eurovision, panto and Miss Hawn

Gustav Klimt's portrait of Elisabeth Lederer, that sold for $236.4m (£180m) this week!

It's another snippets post, dear reader:

• Mutilation news: You thought Pete Burns and his lip-fillers allegedly made of embryo foreskins was disgusting? The latest sicko plastic surgery trend is fish sperm extract injections! Ewww...

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• Postmodernist extravaganza news: The fabulous Southwark Underground Station [above] - opened in 1999, but with a hugely Art Deco look and feel - has received Grade II-listed status from the government, following advice from Historic England. It deserves it!
• Oops! news: A ferry company had to apologise after children were left “screaming” when a pornographic film was played on one of its ships from France to Sussex.
• Was Deadpool right? news: Canada is allegedly in talks about participation in the Eurovision Song Contest!

Deadpool 2 - Eur Missing a Country

• Oh, yes they did! news: Renowned thesp and national treasure Sir Ian "Serena" McKellen and former Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn are both appearing in the panto Wicked Witches (an "updated version" of the Wizard of Oz) at The Pleasance Theatre in Islington! I always said Corbyn was a joke...
• And finally: The very lovely Goldie Hawn blew out 80 candles on her cake yesterday! She is one of the few remaining true stars - and we love her!

Goldie Hawn - Star! (The Dean Martin Show)

And the weather? After the fiercely cold winds earlier this week, now it's pissing-down again. Yuk.

A warm hand on Julian's entrance

There is something in the British psyche that leads thousands upon thousands of people, up and down the country, regular theatre-goers or not, to be strangely drawn to go to a Panto at this time of year. Knockabout entertainment, full of child-friendly colours, bangs, special effects, puppets and clownish characters making silly jokes? Check. Filthy double-entendres and innuendo that flies over the kiddie-winkies' heads and keeps the adults entertained? Check. Loads of audience interaction, men dressed as women and women dressed as men, perhaps a famous (or semi-famous) face in a guest-starring role, a couple of recognisable songs, loads of OTT costumes, and a cornier-than-corny plot that doesn't take much concentration and inevitably leaves everyone happy-ever-after? Of course.

However, mix all those ingredients together with one of our finest camp comedians Julian Clary, and the deep, deep pockets of the London Palladium and the production company Michael Harrison's "Crossroads" - and the entertainment is simply the finest in the business!

So it was that "our gang" - Madam Arcati, Hils, Crog, John-John, Our Sal, Lou, Bence and I - champing at the bit with excitement - headed off for the Palladium's 2024-25 season spectacular Robin Hood.

From the review in London Theatre:

This Robin Hood would be better titled "The Julian Clary Show". Even though the cast is bursting with talent... it is Clary who draws us in with his eye-popping costumes (the giant owl and castle complete with turrets and flags are stand-out designs) and naughty humour. His jokes are so near the knuckle that audiences were left open-mouthed on press night with one comment about 73-year-old Nigel Havers being “the poster boy for the assisted dying campaign”. Clary also goes after Keir Starmer and former Masterchef presenter Gregg Wallace - though most of his jokes remain classic Clary smut.

It's what we pay our money for!

Eternal "butt of the jokes" Nigel Havers at least had his moment in the spotlight at the show's opening number We Need A Hero (sung by "The Spirit of the Forest", aka the "narrator" who tries his best to keep some semblance of plot threads together, Rob Madge), where - in addition to a tableau of British legends and, erm, an animatronic dinosaur(!) - he was lowered precariously on strings from the ceiling as Superman/"Super-Nige"! West End stalwart Charlie Stemp as "Alan-a-Dare" and newbie "Little John" (Tosh Wanogho-Maud) got to perform some spectacular dance numbers - and, of course, were frequently on the receiving end of Julian's acid tongue [oo-er].

“Channel 5’s sultry star” (according to Mr Clary) Jane McDonald was given free rein on the big show-stopper numbers like You're My World. Even American ex-pat - and actual musical theatre star - Marisha Wallace, despite appearing at times utterly bewildered in her role as the villainous "Sheriff of Nottingham" got to show off her talents, singing (for some reason unrelated to the show) Defying Gravity from Wicked. Of course, ventriloquist (and Palladium panto regular) Paul Zerdin and puppet "Sam" got all the customary call-and-return and singalong bits to engage the children. And the traditional - and exhausting - ensemble number If I Were Not a Merry Man, where everyone is in line, waving the tools of their "alternative chosen trade" around, almost hitting each other as they do so, was utterly hilarious! We had tears streaming down our faces.

From WhatsOnStage:

The chemistry between Clary and McDonald is panto gold, of course, as they both share a love for cruising (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and her constant requests for him to “satisfy her womanly needs” are, alas, always met with a closeted hint of resistance.

...In a show that boasts giant, fire-breathing dragons and flying fire engines, drones disguised as ghosts floating over the audience and even a 3D film section, it’s simply the communal spirit of pantomime that brings the real festive fulfilment at the Palladium. As Madge sings: “Well… hello, panto! Ain’t it nice to have it back where it belongs?” - a nod to the venue’s Imelda Staunton-led Hello, Dolly! in the summer - you can’t help but lucidly reply: “Oh yes, it is!”

And... before the glittering finale, with all the biggest and best costumes on show being paraded around, there was the "big reveal". By way of concluding the story of "Robin and his Merry Men" getting their final comeuppance on "the Sheriff", the heroic "King Richard" needed to make his entrance to save the day. This part has been created in this show as a revolving door of special guest stars - indeed, previous King Richards have included James Corden, Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Gary Wilmot, Paul Merton, Mark Gatiss, Beverley Knight, Christopher Biggins, Patricia Hodge, Jenny Eclair, Alan Carr, David Walliams, Jason Donovan, Gyles Brandreth, David Mitchell, Lee Mead, Al Murray and Jon Culshaw (as Donald Trump!) - for this, the penultimate evening show, however, the honour went to...

Sir Ian ("Serena") McKellen!!

We were very "merry men", indeed!

Roll on next year, I say!

It's behind you!

"Our gang" is off to the panto this evening - Cinderella, starring Strictly Come Dancing's Craig Revel Horwood as the Dame indeed!

It's a British tradition that I attempted to explain @adecaceago this week:

Here in the UK, it is traditional for children's theatrical entertainment at this time of year to include old men dressed as women, women dressed as boys and kissing other women, grown men dressed as cows or horses, slapstick humour, and lots of double-entendres that only adults can appreciate. Yes, it's the pantomime season again!

The Art of the Pantomime Dame - Jack Tripp

The Art of the Pantomime Dame - George Lacy

The Art of the Pantomime Dame - Billy Dainty

The rest of the world does not understand this arcane art...

You'll like it.

"Oh yes, you will!"

"Oh no, I won't!"

Oh yes, you will!"

Ad infinitum...

Well, we will, anyhow!

The story of Pantomime - V&A

Oh, yes she did!

It's a lesser-known fact that when they were evacuated from Buckingham Palace during WW2 and stayed at the Royal Lodge in Windsor, the Royal Princesses Elizabeth and Margaret loved nothing better than to organise an annual pantomime with children from the Royal School, produced by the school's headmaster Hubert Tannar!

Her love for dressing-up parties and mischief continued well into adulthood, it seems...

Twice a year, the Queen wore evening gown and tiara to judge the staff fancy dress party at Balmoral Castle.

On one occasion, the Queen's dressers asked if they could don their fancy dress before helping her. She walked down to dinner, telling her guests: "I've just been dressed by Queen Victoria... and, I believe, Cheryl Cole!"

Bless her.

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Festive Goose

"There are many more lavish and spectacular pantomimes around but few, I suspect, with such unaffected warmth and heart." - The Guardian

And so it was that a hefty gathering of our regular "gang" (Hils, Crog, Madam Arcati, John-John, Julie, Jim and I) and chums (Steve, Sian, John B, Julia) ventured to the East End for a seasonal tradition - the panto at the historic Wilton's Music Hall (oh yes we did...).



"National treasure" Roy Hudd is a master of the Music Hall genre (he is president of the British Music Hall Society, and has bequested his extensive archive on the subject to the Suffolk New College), and celebrated 56 years in showbiz in 2016 (as an actor, scriptwriter, variety performer and comedian on stage, telly and radio). Thus it is all the more surprising that, in his 80th birthday year, this is only his second foray in the part of "The Dame" (see here for our visit to his first) - a role he is perfect for.

This year's Wilton's "extravaganza" - which Mr Hudd also wrote - is an adaptation of one of the earliest of its type. The original Mother Goose, which more-or-less launched the comedic pantomime art-form so beloved of us Brits, was a production created for the "King of the Music Halls" Dan Leno in 1902, and this updated version is Mr Hudd's tribute to his hero (he takes a photo of Mr Leno with him to place on his dressing-room table wherever he performs).

And what a joyful "tribute" it is too!

As with all pantomimes, there is a subtle balance between the very silly jokes, the - inevitably these days - clumsily-inserted pop songs and the simplistic fairy-tale storyline (all appealing to the children; one little boy along the row from us sat bewitched through the whole two hours without being bored) and the innuendo, smut, satirical references and knowing asides that keep the grown-ups entertained. In the hands of this fab cast (especially Mr Hudd, Gareth Davies (as the villainous "Vanity") and (as "Silly Willy") Ian Jones), despite the inevitable ad-libs and script "fluffs", the balance is maintained throughout. We laughed till tears ran down our faces at some of the preposterous antics - as Mother Goose, suddenly coming into money through the gift of golden eggs laid by the feathered monstrosity "Priscilla the Goose", transforms herself from tatty old lady into, well, an ageing glamour-puss (quote: “I do like your dress.” reply: “I bought it for a ridiculous figure.”), and mayhem ensues.

The singing (especially Ian Parkin (the wicked Squire) and his "daughter" played by Amelia-Rose Morgan), the dancing (the boys Steven Hardcastle - also the show's choreographer - and Terique Jarrett were divertingly sexy), the boos, the hisses, the Cockney Fairy (veteran actress Julia Sutton), the costumes, the inevitable happy ending - even the children - were all thoroughly enjoyable, but among our highlights were the "set-piece" routines: the totally manic Twelve Days of Christmas, with cast members running up and down the stage to pick up the ever-increasing list of presents arriving from the wings; and, especially, the inspired "mirror routine" in which Mr Hudd and Mr Jones flawlessly "reflected" each other's every move through an invisible looking-glass.

With the assistance of Hils and Crog's "killer mulled wine", a jolly crowd, and in the magnificent surroundings of the world's oldest surviving music hall, we had a fabulous evening...

Mother Goose is at Wilton's until 31st December.

Dick? That's an interesting name...

...and plenty of it there was at Wilton's, as Hils, History Boy, John-John, Julie, Jim, Madam Arcati and I journeyed to one of our favourite venues in the whole world, Wilton's Music Hall, to see their first ever pantomime Dick Whittington on Friday evening.

The "Dick" in question was not merely the eponymous hero of the story (the square-jawed Josh Tevendale), but also the two extremely cute and athletic ballet-dancing chorus boys/"Citizens" Connor Byrne and Rhys Whiteside. They gave us queens something to preoccupy ourselves with, as the ever-so-traditional panto romp unfolded.

Written by that ebullient "national treasure" Roy Hudd, this is also the great Music Hall afficionado's first time playing the Dame. Of course, gap-toothed, saggy boobed and with ad-libs a-plenty, he made a marvellous job of it! The jokes were as groansome, and some of the musical numbers as (intentionally) corny as one might expect. Due to the constraints of the hall's environs, set-changes were artfully done during the dance numbers, and the small two-tier stage meant loads of excuses for some dramatic leaps between levels - not least by Steven Hardcastle as "Tommy the Cat", who threw himself about with such abandon, there was concern he might have ended up over this side of the stage at one point...



This was a pantomime in its most time-honoured fashion; less about the double-entendres (although, of course they were there in abundance), the "knowingness" or the Z-list "celebrity" guest stars of more modern interpretations of the genre, and more about the old-fashioned type of humour that so much entertainment has left behind these days. There was slapstick galore, not least the interaction between Mr Hudd's "Sarah the Cook" and her "son", the comic foil "Idle Jack" (Simon Burbage). One of the very best numbers was They Call It Automation - a perfectly-choreographed "patter song" whereby each character in turn performed a repetitive set of actions (including boxing jabs, high kicks and robotic side-swipes), which as they lined up next to each other, was synched so that no-one slapped or punched the next. It was hilarious to watch (and we couldn't help but wonder how many mishaps occurred during rehearsals!).



The aforementioned Messrs Hudd and Burbage (and the assembled totty) aside, the rest of the cast, especially Ian Parkin (of "Four Poofs and a Piano" fame) as both London merchant "Willy Widl" and the "Maharajah" and Amelia-Rose Morgan as his daughter and Dick's love interest "Alice" (despite a few too many "wibbles" in her singing), the "Citizens" and the little kids playing the "Rats" were all fab.

Speaking of rats, however... The performance to beat all performances was the villainous "Ratface" (part Ozzy Osbourne, part Russell Brand; opening number? Rat Out Of Hell, of course) played with camp gusto by Gareth Davies. He played up to the audience's expectations - all the boos and hisses, "Oh no you won't/Oh yes we will"s and "It's behind you"s were present and correct; we were hoarse by the end - and his plotting and interactions with the "Good Fairy" Nicole Davis (often from opposing balconies above the crowd) held the whole story together.

We had a whale of a time. As "proper" pantomimes go, this was one of the best!

Dick Whittington and his Cat is on at Wilton's Music Hall until 31st December 2015.

The Elephant Man does Cilla Black, and Sherlock Holmes meets the Virgin Mary

As Alison Goldie in WhatsOnStage put it:

Thought you'd seen enough versions of Sherlock Holmes? Think again. This madcap take on the classic, glistening like a jewel in the perfect setting of Wilton's Music Hall, is a treat to season your Christmas with much-needed hilarity.

And "hilarious" it certainly was!

Mrs Hudson’s Christmas Corker, a surreal sort-of cross between panto, Music Hall and good old-fashioned smutty humour, is the brainchild of the legendary Barry Cryer (the writer who has collaborated with just about every late 20th century comedian of note including Dave Allen, Stanley Baxter, Jack Benny, John Cleese, George Burns, Tommy Cooper, Les Dawson, Dick Emery, Kenny Everett, Bruce Forsyth, David Frost, Bob Hope, The Goodies, Frankie Howerd, Richard Pryor, Spike Milligan, Danny La Rue, Mike Yarwood, The Two Ronnies and Morecambe and Wise), his son Bob and the fantabulosa performance troupe Spymonkey.

With the much-overlooked Mrs Hudson (Sophie Russell), landlady of Holmes' 221b Baker Street residence, at its centre, the show tenuously links three madcap adventures for Holmes (Toby Park) and Watson (Aitor Basauri) - including an irreverent investigation into the virgin birth - with Mrs H and her loony neighbour Mrs Brayley (Petra Massey) along for the ride. But of course, with a cast of just four, they all get to play the rest of the characters as well.

What other play has ever featured appearances by Karl Marx, God, Oscar Wilde, King Herod, Fu Manchu and John Merrick together? I, for one, have certainly never experienced a "sing-a-long-a-Jack-the-Ripper" anywhere else! And when it came to The Elephant Man's stand-up impressionist routine, tears of hysterical laughter were streaming down our faces.

All the elements of traditional panto were there (the catchphrase - we had to shout "Corker" every time anyone said "Christmas" - the aforementioned sing-a-long, a pantomime donkey, plenty of slapstick and pratfalls) but, as a show entirely for adults, there were loads of filthy jokes, ribald audience participation and even a flash of willy on stage!

The songs were all very silly, as were the "plots", the dialogue and the improvised backdrops - but one could tell that behind its apparently chaotic "am-dram" appearance, this was a tightly controlled and very well put together production. The backing band (with surprising solo performances from Messrs Park and Basauri on clarinet and sax, respectively), on-stage throughout, were great. The ensemble cast were all excellent - in particular Miss Massey who stole every scene, whether playing a dotty old lady, a "Mafia-esque" Herod or a dirty-minded French-speaking Archangel Gabriel. As a show, even if at times you could hear jaws dropping around the magnificent hall at Wilton's, it works.

It was certainly huge fun, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

Mrs Hudson’s Christmas Corker is on at Wilton's Music Hall until 31st December 2014.

"It's behind you!"

Here in the UK, it is traditional for children's theatrical entertainment at this time of year to include old men dressed as women, women dressed as boys and kissing other women, grown men dressed as cows or horses, slapstick humour, and lots of double-entendre humour that only adults can appreciate. Yes, it's the pantomime season again!

The Art of the Pantomime Dame - Jack Tripp

The Art of the Pantomime Dame - George Lacy

The Art of the Pantomime Dame - Billy Dainty

The rest of the world does not understand this arcane art...

Esteemed broadcaster, TV mogul and former chairman of the BBC Michael Grade presented a fantastic documentary over Xmas that explained the history and evolution of this unique form of entertainment - catch The History of the Pantomime Dame if you can!

[2019 UPDATE - here it is in its entirety!]

Michael Grade presents The History of the Pantomime Dame (BBC)

You'll like it.

"Oh yes, you will!"

"Oh no, I won't!"

Oh yes, you will!"

Ad infinitum...

It's behind you!!

We went along to the penultimate evening of the now traditional "adult panto" at Leicester Square Theatre - Snow White and the Seven Poofs. With a title as unsubtle as that our gang went well prepared for an evening of filth, innuendo, campery and rowdiness.

What we were not prepared for was the audience! They were dreadful, and at times the players themselves were visibly angry as time and again "audience participation" descended into anarchy, as a couple of drunken women were determined to shout and talk over the punchlines.

Despite the level of tension that created (and the condensation dripping of the ceiling that kept raining icy blobs all down our row), we still had a rip-roaring time. The jokes are (as ever) obvious, random interpretations of familiar pop hits provided the hand-clapping interludes, and the cast remained brilliant through the whole thing.

Halfway to Heaven's very own Drag Idol winner the fab Tanya Hyde was the squeaky-voiced "virginal" Snow White, abused by all and sundry (including the filthy slag Hilda and her muff) in her quest to marry Prince Donkey-Dick [I said it wasn't subtle!] - and was consummately professional in holding it all together. West End drag stalwart Bette Rinse played the most evil of evil queens with a vehemence brought on partly by nature(!) and partly by the audience, and the show's creator Simon Gross was suitably vile as Hilda.



And what of the "Poofs"? The rest of the cast were excellent, each called upon to play several roles in the performance - in particular Paul Shears as the Magic Mirror (every time he shouted "All right me lovers?" in his best Plymouth accent, we all had to shout "Fuck off, mirror!") and Victoria Hopkins as the Butch Dyke, who explained to the straights in the audience such gay mysteries as "cottage", "queen" and "fish"...

Some of the scenes were truly hilarious. I almost wet myself laughing at the array of dreadful costumes assembled on stage for the "woodland animals" scene - I don't recall Tigger, two gorillas, a kangaroo and a grotesque giant robin in the original - and when Snow White killed the "vermin" (“Can someone get this fucking fox out of here?”) I nearly fell off my chair. The ensemble number (traditional panto fare) that involved the whole cast imagining what job they would do if they weren't working for the Queen - "A nurse I would be - pants down, needle out, it's just a little prick", "A postman I would be - lick it once, lick it twice, stick it in the box" etc - each with different actions, was superb!

With a sing-a-long finale and the traditionally incomprehensible pairings-off in the closing wedding scene, it was truly wild and brilliant evening's entertainment - in the true spirit of panto. Definitely not for the kids or your gran! As the opening announcer said (sounding suspiciously like Dame Judi), the easily offended should “kindly fuck off” and leave the rest of us to it...

"It's behind you!"

We went to see the "adult panto" Sinderfella in the tiny basement of Leicester Square Theatre last night. It was possibly the best panto I have seen in years. No special effects, no pretension - and best of all, no kids allowed!

Starring Bette Rinse, drag queen extraordinaire, the story is basically that of Cinderella but with a twist, in that the leading lady has walked out to work in a shop in Oxford Street and the drag hostess gamely steps in to take the lead...

"Big Brother's Kat Cookie Monster" (no idea - never watched it) with her thick Thai accent was completely incomprehensible at times as the Fairy Godmother, but with a little help and translation from Miss Rinse we got the gist of her magic spell - basically instead of pumpkins she transforms the falsies into real boobs and lo and behold, a drag queen in her fifties really is a virginal scullery maid. [This is panto, remember!]

Subtle, this ain't - the Handsome Prince Donkey Dick spends the entire show with a very impressive dildo stuffed into his tights, and even Cinders' three wishes come true courtesy of rubbing a realistic Jeff Stryker member. The jokes were obvious, the songs were all versions of chart hits, the banter was filthy - and we loved every minute of it!

The players were all anarchic and very entertaining - not least the genuinely horrifying Ugly Sisters (the play's author Simon Gross and Adam Wooley), and Harry Dyer goofing it up as Buttons, whose unrequited love for Cinders/Bette is confusing to say the least. As for the gorgeous dancing boys - they made the evening go with a bit of a frisson!

A great evening out (despite the ridiculously steep bar prices), and it completed the "festering season" traditional entertainments off nicely.

Just New Year's Eve to go, and it'll all be over for another year. "Oh yes it will. Oh no it won't" ad infinitum...

Season's Greetings! - My Kind Of Panto

It's that day! To some, it's Xmas. To others it is Saturnalia. To most people, it's a day off work and an excuse to eat and drink more in 24 hours than you would normally imbibe in a week. However, there are some things that always come to mind at this time of year - such as Pantomime!

Featuring The Tiger Lillies' Martin Jacques and Justin Bond, in my case...

According to the blurb:

The Twisted Tale Of A Christmas Crack-Whore: A reality faerie tale for our times. Poor Sinderella (Justin Bond) is a whore with deep psychological problems caused by resentment towards her wicked stepmother (Martin Jacques), a sadistic whore with introspective complications. So far, Sinderella's problems can only be assuaged by crack. The world awaits the coming of Prince Charming, whomsoever he/she/it may be.

Season's Greetings, dears...

Tiger Lillies with Justin Bond - Sinderella

It’s behind you!!

"A sparkling tale of magic, midnight and mischief: jam-packed with laughter, cross-dressing, singing, shoes, envy, dancing and cake."

We went to see Stephen Fry's Cinderella panto at the Old Vic last night, and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it! This is a fabulous spectacle of innuendo, smut, explosions, puppet mice, drag, and hunks. The humour is completely filthy, but we were in stitches...

Stephen has taken the traditional panto and cleverly interpreted it with his trademark cleverness, and I can guarantee most of the dirty jokes will have flown quite successfully over the heads of the children there (and probably many of the adults as well).



The cast were excellent - especially Sandi Toksvig's Narrator, Hal Fowler and Mark Lockyer as the Ugly Sisters (who looked remarkably like Paris Hiton and Nicole Ritchie), the gorgeous Joseph Milson as Prince Charming (look out for his shower scene), and Pauline Collins (doing her best "Nan" from Catherine Tate Show impression) as the Fairy Godmother. And Paul Keating as Buttons was a queeny joy!

[NB- We met Mr Keating in the Arts Theatre bar after his stunning and sexy performance in the Pet Shop Boys' Closer To Heaven in 2001. He is still as cute now as he was then...]

Although the show has not received many good reviews in the tabloids ("too gay", apparently!), ignore the critics and try and get to see it before it closes in January.

A fitting end to the year's theatre trips - I recommend it!

Cinderella - Old Vic Theatre website