STAN HELSING -- DVD Review by Porfle

 

Originally posted on 10/26/09

 

 

I don't want to say that I had low expectations for this movie, because actually, it would be more accurate to say that I had no expectations. Therefore, the fact that STAN HELSING (2009) turned out to be such a breezy, inventive, and consistently funny romp through some of our favorite horror film cliches of recent years (mainly the 80s and 90s) came as a delightful surprise.

Stan Helsing (Steve Howey in a likable performance) is a slacker and a stoner, but he isn't terminally out to lunch like such characters usually are. Basically he's a horny, fun-loving clod who happens to be shallow, conceited, and totally self-absorbed, but in a likable way. As the story begins, Stan has just gotten off work at Schlockbuster and is headed for what promises to be a fun Halloween party. 

 

Traveling there with his ex-girlfriend Nadine, his best friend Teddy, and Teddy's new girlfriend Mia, Stan announces that he has to drop off some DVDs for his boss' mom on the way. This takes them deep into the scary part of town (with street names such as Elm Street and Mockingbird Lane) where they promptly get lost and end up in a horrific gated community called Stormy Night Estates.

Stopping into a redneck bar, they're told by an incredibly ugly waitress (Leslie Nielsen as "Kay") that the community is cursed by monsters and that their only hope is the return of legendary monster hunter Van Helsing. Well, our non-hero Stan Helsing, it turns out, is actually Stan VAN Helsing, a descendant of the original monster hunter, which makes him and his friends the target of every monster, supernatural creature, and homicidal maniac within killing distance.

The gags fly fast and furious from start to finish, and most of them stick (or splat, as the case may be). Stan is ordered by his dweeby boss at Schlockbuster to go kill a cockroach that's been reported in the ladies' restroom. It turns out to be six feet tall and spewing some kind of disgusting goop from its nether regions. Stan also barges in on a couple of gorgeous lesbians, dressed as a cop and a French maid, who are making out in one of the stalls. Watching them flounce away after he bungles his chance to join in, he laments, "I cockblocked myself!" And that's just the first few minutes.

The road trip in search of Stan's boss' mom's house to deliver the DVDs (which turn out to be gay porn such as GRAZING RYAN'S PRIVATES and SOREST RUMP) is a mini-movie in itself as the group encounter a Charles Manson-like hitchhiker with a swastika carved on the end of his nose and a rage-stoked redneck who vows to kill them all after they run over his dog a la I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. An innocent stopover at a gas station brings them into conflict with a scary shotgun-wielding hippie chick and a Native American pervert who videotapes them in the bathroom so he can sell DVDs of it to his customers. And we haven't even gotten to the actual monsters yet.

As for the monsters, you get Fweddy (last name Kwueger, I assume), the nightmare guy with the Swiss army knife glove; Michael Criers (Get it? It rhymes with "Myers" *cough, cough*); Pleatherface, a leafblower-wielding maniac whose face looks like a purse Mia bought in Tijuana; Needlehead ('nuff said); Mason, who now wears the entire hockey uniform; and a "Chucky" clone.

During their terror-filled night in Stormy Night Estates, our heroes also encounter the Brides of Dracula. This part's fun, because the fanged femmes are gorgeous and because Stan and Teddy have a shared fantasy sequence with the BOD (Brides of Dracula) as topless dancers. Yeah, baby! Later, they duck into a church and meet a cross-dressing altar boy (a funny Jeremy Crittenden) who gives them a super soaker filled with holy water, which, of course, Teddy drinks. The climactic karaoke contest between the good guys and the monsters is fun, especially when the monsters hit the stage as the Village People. The rest of the film is loaded with references to other horror flicks and it's fun picking them out.

With his ad-libs, funny expressions, expert delivery, and dumb-looking Superman costume, Kenan Thompson is a lot of fun to watch. The same and more can be said for Desi Lydic as the deliriously dizzy Mia. Not only is she cute as a button, but Desi's comedy sense is sharp as a bloody talon. Her exquisitely-delivered deadpan stupid-isms are often hilarious---she's probably the funniest thing about the whole movie. As Nadine, Diora Baird is not only an appealing actress but she's also gorgeous and has a great rack, which is prominently featured in every single shot that she's in and which you can also Google. Woo-hoo!

SCARY MOVIE executive producer Bo Zenga does a nice job directing and the film has a great look. Zenga provides a commentary track for the Anchor Bay DVD along with Desi Lydic and Kenan Thompson. Bonuses also include the featurette "Killer Parody: The Making of Stan Helsing", extended, alternate, and deleted scenes, outtakes, still gallery, storyboard gallery (yawn), and theatrical trailer. The film is presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen with Dolby Surround 5.1 and English subtitles.

With its AIRPLANE!-type comedy style and kitchen-sink story, STAN HELSING is just as dumb as it sounds--but it's a good dumb. I don't know how it compares to the SCARY MOVIE series, since I stopped watching those after the first one. One thing's for sure...it beats the hell out of VAN HELSING.

STAN HELSING -- DVD Review by Porfle

My Favorite Small Moments From Various Movies (video)

 

Video by Porfle Popnecker. I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. 

Thanks for watching! 

My Favorite Small Moments From Various Movies (video)

"You're Hurting Me!!!" (video)

 

 

"You're hurting me!!!"

Definitely one of the most often used lines in movie and TV history. 

We collected as many examples as we could find, but there are doubtless many more of them out there. 

 

Video by Porfle Popnecker. I neither own nor claim any rights to this material. Just having some fun with it. Thanks for watching!

 

"You're Hurting Me!!!" (video)

"Police Squad!" Coffee Commercial (Episode 4: 3/25/82) (video)

 

Detective Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) is pursuing a mad bomber...

...in this hilarious parody of coffee commercials.

He consults with Police Squad's resident forensic expert.

But too much caffeine has made him cranky.

Decaf to the rescue!


I neither own nor claim any rights to this material.  Just having some fun with it.  Thanks for watching!

 

"Police Squad!" Coffee Commercial (Episode 4: 3/25/82) (video)

THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT -- Movie Review by Porfle

(This is part two of my look at the "Don Knotts Reluctant Hero Pack", a two-sided DVD containing four of Don's best-known movies: THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN, THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT, THE SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST, and THE LOVE GOD?)

Following on the heels of Don Knotts' previous comedy success, 1966's THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN, THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT (1967) continues the adventures of Don's patented nervous-guy character, who always seems to find himself in situations that stretch his jangled nerves to the limit and force him to act beyond his normal capabilities in order to succeed. And what better way to do that than to strap him into a rocket and shoot him into outer space?

This time Don plays Roy Fleming, a nervous type (naturally) who is so terrified of heights that he "can't even get up on a chair to get the marmalade." He runs a modest little outer-space ride in a local amusement park, pretending to be an astronaut and taking the kids on space adventures in a mock-up rocketship. But his father, Buck (Arthur O'Connell), a WWI hero with big dreams for his son, keeps sending in his astronaut application to NASA. And one day, the Flemings receive a shocking letter--Roy's been accepted!

The prospect of being dozens of miles off his beloved terra firma terrifies Roy, but it also helps him win over the girl he's got the hots for, Ellie Jackson (Joan Freeman), who runs a concession stand in the amusement park, and raises him to the upper reaches of his father's estimation at long last. But when Roy gets to NASA, he discovers that he hasn't been accepted as a prospective astronaut after all, but as a janitor. And not even that--he's an apprentice janitor.


At this point, it's too late to tell the truth to his proud parents and all his admiring friends back home, so he keeps up the charade for as long as he can--until one day when his father and a couple of his old pals show up for an unexpected visit. Abandoning his mop, Roy hastily dons a space suit, gives the guys a highly scientifically-inaccurate tour of the space facility, destroys a rocket sled, and gets fired in front of his father. But just as it appears that Roy must slink home in disgrace, an amazing development occurs--the Russians send a dentist into outer space in order to prove the infallibility of their automated rocket ship. So NASA decides to respond by putting the most inexperienced person they can think of into orbit. Which, of course, turns out to be Roy.

THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT repeats various elements set into motion way back on "The Andy Griffith Show" and continued in THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN. Don Knotts plays a cowardly failure who gets his big chance to succeed and rises to the occasion, winning the affections of the hottest babe in town along the way, and gets plenty of chances to play his nervous-guy character to the hilt. There's a drunk scene (this didn't happen in GHOST, but Barney Fife was always accidentally getting drunk, remember?), and it's always fun to watch Don get gassed. He has a big brother-type friend who, like Sheriff Andy Taylor, looks out for him and helps bolster his ego--this time it's Major Fred Gifford, a famous astronaut who befriends Roy and suggests him as the perfect candidate for the upcoming space shot.

There are running gags--people are always posing for Rush (Paul Hartman) to take their picture but his camera never works, Roy is always being urged to "do a countdown" ("Three, two, one...puh-KEWWW!") and, whenever his loved ones see him off at the airport, the acrophobic Roy sneaks away to catch a bus instead, etc. The script is written by "Andy Griffith Show" vets James Fritzell and Everett Greenbaum, who also wrote GHOST and knew how to bring out the best in Don Knotts. And Vic Mizzy contributes another of his pleasantly goofy comedy scores.

Once again, the capable supporting cast is dotted with great familiar faces. Arthur O'Connell and Jeanette Nolan play his parents, while Frank McGrath ("Wooster" the cook on TV's "Wagon Train") and Paul Hartman ("Emmitt the Fix-It Man" on the later Griffith show episodes) are funny and endearing as Buck Fleming's friends. Jesse White (the "Maytag repairman" for those old enough to remember) is Roy's unforgiving janitorial boss, and Burt Mustin, Guy Raymond, and Nydia Westman are on hand as well. Familiar child star Pamelyn Ferdin even makes a brief appearance as a little girl who has to go to the bathroom during Roy's space ride ("We have just touched down!" he abruptly announces). But the biggest surprise, for those familiar with Leslie Nielsen only as a comedian, will be seeing him playing straight man to Don's character. He's very likable here as the dashing Major Gifford, but nowadays he'd be the one getting the laughs.

THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT isn't quite the all-round success that THE GHOST AND MR. CHICKEN was a year earlier, but it's still very enjoyable in a low-key way, and family-friendly without being sappy or saccharine. There are even a couple of fairly emotional scenes between Don and Arthur O'Connell as father and son that are nicely handled. The best part, though, is when Roy Fleming makes it to outer space (complete with some endearingly hokey special effects) only to have everything go wrong. In a delightful turn of events, he is able to astound Major Gifford and the other guys at mission control by falling back on his old space-ride character in order to save the day--which is just the sort of thing that makes a Don Knotts movie so much fun to watch.

THE RELUCTANT ASTRONAUT -- Movie Review by Porfle