Congrats To Tiger On Finally Winning A Tournament

Finally, at the Chevron World Championship in Thousand Oaks yesterday, he didn't choke. It only took two years for him to get his mojo back, and by mojo I mean a tramp named Maureen that works at Howard Johnsons. All kidding aside, I was almost as relieved as Tiger because a winning Tiger is good for the sport. It's a fact. The ratings go up, more people are interested in the sport and it will help this country take advantage of the exploding market in Asia. 

On a lighter side, here's a guy yelling something after Tiger's last tee shot on 18 yesterday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dJy_fV2Wzg
It was a Redditor, of course. 

Guess What I Did Today

Here's a hint-

Yeah, I golfed. Don't ask me what I shot because I don't care. It was almost 80 today and that's good enough to convince me that cold weather is gone, though some people only just got the memo.

Seriously, they waited until April to take down their Christmas decorations. Get with it! All the best tacky people already have their giant rabbits in the front yard and trees laden with pastel plastic eggs.

On closer inspection I notice that they have a box of fireworks in the back. Huh? Is that for a Christmas in July party? You know, because we don't get enough Winter weather around here. We like to relive it all year long.

Now I'm going to watch The Masters and pray for Tiger to win. If he does, you can be sure he's back riding the white trash waitresses again. YAY

I almost forgot, Froggy's back! While we were cleaning up the garden this afternoon, we noticed that he crawled out of the pond's intake valve to sun himself on a mossy rock. I bought a little crown for him. I hope he likes it, and when I kiss him he better turn into Prince. PRE- artist formerly known as.

  

Jimmy Fallon Thanks Tiger For Being A Comedy Goldmine

I can't help it. I love Tiger, I just do.
And it's no accident that he chose to go on Fallon's show. Dude clearly worships the guy.

Cigar Guy Is Everyone. Cigar Guy Is YOU

Maybe you heard that Tiger hit a shot at this weekend's Ryder Cup that hit a photographer for The Daily Fail. The guy got the perfect shot of the golf ball coming right at his face. Heroic, I tell you, and not the first time Tiger has unexpectedly launched balls at anyone.

I know. Don't beat me.

Anyhoo, look at the goof with the cigar. As you can guess, someone got a hold of photoshop and the results are a Reddit sensation.

Sadly, cigar dude couldn't save Tiger and the U.S. lost to Europe by one stinking point. Cheaters.

And yes, everyone and their whore of a mother has posted this, along with their own version of the ball joke. If anyone asks, I thought of mine first.

Haters And Ugly Kids

Do you see that link at the top of the page? The one that says 'Next Blog?' I hit it a bunch of times today and surfed blogs that I would never, ever bother with otherwise. First up- an unfunny comedian (no names) who had links to all his internet pissings, each one less interesting than the last.

Then, people that only post pictures of their family members and feel compelled to write things like, "younger grandchild splashing too much in pool." Jesus Crimany, get a Flickr page and call it a day!

Then, three blogs in a row dedicated to fisherman holding up their slimy catch, smiling like they bagged a barracuda instead of a trout. Finally, I lost it when there were three (again!) blogs opining the totally rad lifestyle of the surfer. Out of all these people, these crumb bums were the biggest douchebags. No one else came CLOSE.

One guy, let's call him Sharkfood, tried and failed to seem oh-so cool by informing the world that he was leaving soon to shred in Bali. That's right, SharkChum is leaving his condo in Cali, storing his subaru and leaving these boring environs to be a man and live by his wits (and Daddy's credit card), thereby staving off becoming predictable and boring, a fate worse than death, I tell you!

One thing all these assholes have in common- their outspoken hatred of golf, as if telling the reader "I hate golf!" you gain some kind of instant anti-middle class credibility. Lazy, that's all it is. For all the macho outdoorsyness, it just smacks of lazy thinking.

I know! Post a picture of an E.R. doctor pulling Tiger Shark teeth out of what's left of your thigh. THEN I might believe you're an anti-establishment thrill seeker worth his weight in sex wax.

The Bridgestone Invitational

We attended the tournament on Sunday and got lucky at every turn. First off, after a late start, we got there before nine and paid only $8 to park on someone's lawn. I've done this in years' past but never was it as organized as this year. It was a neighborhood effort and I hope they pooled their monay and did something fun with it, like a block party for kids or a vodka party for adults.

There was a huge list of things you could not bring to the venue, including phones and cameras. They didn't even look through my tiny purse, so i totally could have gotten away with one, and a flask to boot. :( That's okay. I'll file that info away until next year.

We arrived to check out the leader board in time to see Stenson (the only golfer with a female caddy) on the 9th green and then Tiger and Anthony Kim in the fairway. First off, why the hell is Anthony so damn skinny? He's like 5'5" and 120 at the most. I look like She-Ra next to him. Secondly, they were laughing and talking and having a good time together even though they SUCKED ASS. It might as well be fun, right?

We parked ourselves in the front row at the 10th green and saw every single golfer. I highly recommend that you bring those folding camp chairs if you ever attend a professional golf event. They make a world of difference. Anyhoo, the green at 10 was brutal. We kept track, and there were only nine birdies all day! NINE. Out of 78 golfers.

We walked down to position ourselves on 18 where most of the golfers would be hitting their second shot when, uh oh! Bubba Watson hits a shot that lands right behind the corner of the giant leader board. It could have been worse, but this is another skinny guy. How the hell does he hit it over 300 yards? I need to study that swing. Mr. McSlore tells me that he gets his hips out so far that his belt buckle faces the flag before he even makes contact with the ball. I've tried that. The ball goes a staggering 30 feet. On a good day.

So, we watch a few guys hit and then stand at the 17th tee where we can hear a ruckus at the 16th green. it turns out that Hunter Mahan hit into a permanent flower bed which they treat as part of the cart path and they let him take a drop. He par'd the hole after over-shooting the green.

What a miracle. He waltzed onto the 17th without a care in the world and hit a hybrid. Uphill. Like, 250 yards, and won at 12 under. Good for him. Here's his post game interview. I would show you Tiger's as well but the media still treats him like shit so I'm not going to bother. He still gets twice as many people to show up than those tournaments without him, and I think it's time to start asking him questions without so much schadenfreude and sneering condescension. It bugs the shit out of me, so I don't know how he handles it without slugging somebody.

Pray For Tiger Part II

I felt so relieved when I heard that Tiger was okay and then I read that his wife was beating him with one of his own golf clubs and I felt even better!

Turns out that they were fighting on Thanksgiving over some chick who denies, denies that she had herself a little fun times with him in a hotel and wifey just went OFF!

I love how they are trying to spin the fact that she beat his car with a five iron, into trying to break a window to get him out. Wow. Who knew that Scandinavian girls had such vile tempers? The ones I knew were big boned stoners with promiscuous streaks and a penchant for skiing naked. Doing everything naked, actually.

Anyhoo, it's funny. I have remarked to Mr. McSlore on many occassions that if I could trade places with anyone in the world it would be Tiger. Now, not so much. Just wait until he receives that clubhouse ribbing from the other pros. Nothing like getting beat by your wife to humanize a fella. He REALLY needs your prayers now.

Goofiest Head Cover Ever

This is the golfer, 18 year old Ryo Ishikawa who played in the Presidents' Cup this past weekend. Tiger sank the winning putt, by the way. Shocker, I know.
This is his head cover. On second thought, it's not the goofiest, it's the most egocentric. I wonder if his mommy made it for him, or some deranged Japanese fangirl. He looks like a freaking muppet. A muppet with no package.

Dude. Teach me.

My putting has been less than stellar lately so to see an instructor make one from 200 feet makes me want to throw my clubs in Lake Erie.
Also, why does every damn item in golf that someone decided to make pink have to have a freaking breast cancer ribbon on it? I like pink. No, I love pink but I don't want to look like I just got back from a Walk-A-Thon or a Breast Cancer Awareness charity golf tournament.
Uh oh. Now I've done it. Watch me get breast cancer now. Fuck it. If the doctor has to chop them off it'll just improve my game because they won't get in the way anymore. So there.

So That's What The Basket's For

Been Out Of Commission Lately

I am not sure if it was a flu of the piggy variety but I definitely had the fever of a 102, a lingering sore throat and energy droppage. It doesn't stop me from golfing, though. Go figure.
One more thing. I would like to thank my baby for the new driver. One by one, little by little and slowly but surely I am stealing all of his clubs. He better lock up his irons. They're next.

You Have Every Right To Be Bitter

But you kinda signed up for it, didn't you? Anyway, you're wrong. I'm at the golf course.

Yay Overly Drawn Out Memorial Services For Famous People

Because nobody was on the golf course yesterday. Never in my entire life have I seen such an empty course. It was like the President got shot or something.
We took our time, enjoyed Mulligan after Mulligan and didn't have to wait for any slow-pokes ahead of us. Thank you Michael Jackson.


I had to throw this picture in because midgets make everything better.

"Get in the Water!!"

Are you as tired as me of listening to all the assholes that attend PGA events and scream, "Get in the hole!" at the top of their lungs every single time someone tees off?
Then this will be refreshing to you:

Heckler taunts Phil Mickelson with "Get in the water!" @ Yahoo! Video

Must have Item for Your Golf Bag

It's that time of year again where you get out your golf bag and check your inventory to see what you need and what you can skate by with for another season. Yep, those irons will last another couple of years, damn, I need a new hybrid and fuck! Why didn't I wash those club towels before putting my stuff away?! Well, here is another item you simply must have. It never ends, does it?

A World Without Tiger

You've got to beleive that this isn't far from the truth.

Tiger's New Baby Boy

It's been a while since I've posted some serious cuteness, and the need to balance out the negativity of the post below is pretty strong. So here he is, Charlie Axel Woods, along with his parents, sister and their adorable puppies. Talk about a charmed existence, Tiger must have gone through some terrible struggles in a past life or something, to be so blessed in this one.

For you golf fans, he is going to finally get back on the fairways next week in the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship in Tuscon, Arizona. He has won this tournament three times already but it has been moved to a new course, the Ritz-Carlton Golf Club at Dove Mountain. I don't know if that will have any effect on his play but I'm sure that the sponsors are exstatic. Having him back will greatly improve their numbers which have suffered quite a bit in his absence.

Photos by Wenn via People magazine.