A Burrito Is Just A Cross Between A Penis and A Turd

Just a little introduction to these two before you watch the video- Simon Doonan is the creative director at Barneys. He has been for YEARS, like back in the first days of those fabulous windows and the sample sales where I always ended up with something fabulous like the woven leather Valentino trench coat that I lost somehow. I can't go into that. It's too depressing. 


He was part of the scene that I was in at the time and he was always clever, tongue-in-cheek, and kind. His bitchiness was always accompanied by a chummy sort of candor, so it never really rankled. As for Rich, he's a young gay man of intellect whose pop culture observations are pretty much always spot-on. He also appeared as a guest judge on Toddlers & Tiaras, brilliant casting, if you ask me. He's also insanely hot. Like, damn it! Why are you gay????, HOT.


So, watch the video and enjoy, and remember- being unoffendable puts you in an incredible position of power. Couldn't have said it better myself.


Now, go put yourself out there and be happy!

January Is The Door To The Year

I am not a big fan of this month, not normally, but it has been spectacular so far! Sun almost every day, temperatures in the 40s, and there is so much to do that I haven't even had that warm weather withdrawal that I normally get at this time of year. Hmm, weird. I hope I didn't just jinx myself since I usually get so sun deprived that I just want to crawl up inside a Tool video and die. Not this year, oh no!


So, we went out and about yesterday, first to a brunch of Dim Sum (not a huge fan, everything was too doughy) and then a trip to the Asian market. I cannot recommend these places enough. Their produce is dirt cheap, as is their tea. You can walk out with two heavy grocery bags for under $30, so needless to say, I'm a big fan. I am also a big fan of this beauty which is the first thing you see when you walk into the store-

Samarai is almost as big as his horse, yikes! Oh, well. When he breaks the back of his steed, he can always fly off on those wings of his. (??????) I know. I just ignore the silliness and concentrate on the fact that their cilantro is 50 freaking cents. Oh, and if you don't have a strong stomach, stay away from the fresh fish area. A tank full of angry looking frogs is not the nicest thing to start your day looking at. It made me keep imagining this:



From there, it was off to the Botanical Garden, which is a wonderful oasis of warmth and beauty in this grey, though sunny landscape.
More after the jump.

Saying Goodbye To 2011

Some really wonderful things happened this year. I got engaged and married, for one. We traveled quite a bit and I actually got to meet one of you people in San Diego. ;)


We are almost completely finished with the sunroom/bar, and we love the room so much that we eat exclusively in there. The only thing left to do is have the electrician do some re-wiring and get the bar top sanded and finished.

It was a busy year and it flew by. I made some new friends and cemented some old friendships. I found a really remarkable group of women that I didn't know existed until a year and a half ago whose strength matches their kindness, and isn't that a nice surprise in this day and age. Sometimes I feel isolated living so far from so many friends, and it is a relief to know that I can touch base with so many of you through this blog or on Facebook. JerseyGirl, Prodigal Cheez. Chemgal and TNbelle, I talk to you every day and you are my touchstone and my sisters in spirit and heart,


Leenie, you are wonderful. I know that you couldn't move out here but I will never give up on trying! Leigh, AlisonZ and Cissie, you are always at the ready with a smile and something positive to say. Skatt, Classy Drunk, TrueLifeDiva, April, Iwannabeanarchy, kdfinjpn, and Dane, I always look forward to hearing from you. Your insights and senses of humor are head and shoulders above 99% of commenters anywhere. Kbird, you are my inspiration in all things foodie and tongue-in-cheek. Baler! I missed your crazy ass! We've come a long way from the Y bridge, no? Diatribes and Ovations, it was a really nice bonus this year to find you and your blog. You are a great guy with an even greater moral compass. And Bob. What can I say about Bob? He has, hands down, one of the most excellent blogs out there. If you aren't reading I Should Be Laughing, then get your ass over there right now!


If I left any of you out, I apologise. Comment more! Just kidding. Not really.


I will leave you with some photos from our trip to Maine last month and my wishes for all of you to have a safe, happy and healthy New Year. It's going to be a Dragon, which is my Chinese astrological sign and the harbinger of good luck and fortune. Don't waste it!


Love you all.

Searching for sea glass and clams on the beach.

A beautiful Victorian we passed on our way from Kennebunkport to Portland.

Oysters at J's. Sublime and delicious. The only thing that beat them was the scallops. We are forever spoiled  by the incredible quality you find up there.

A weathered door down by the wharf in Portland. Speaks volumes about the history and character of this place.

Seafood Mecca. I am not joking. If you want Maine lobsters, this is where you buy them. This is also where we got the scallops to die for. I am pretty sure that manna in heaven was patterned after them.

If you needed any proof that the friends we stayed with were awesome, here it is. Their daughter, aged 3, with a chainsaw.

Perhaps the most beautiful lighthouse in the world. 

Words can't express how much I loved it there. I'm hoping that the friend we visited stays healthy enough so that we can go back in the Spring and visit him, and some other friends too. I really do love it there.

Enough about me. What were your highs and lows, and how are you approaching the new year?

The First Same Sex Kiss In The History of the Navy

As you were.


See, no big deal, right? Breaking one barrier at a time. THAT is what makes it special. 

My Tree

For the third year in a row, we have done an Asian themed Christmas tree. Finally this year we have found enough decorations so that it doesn't look half decorated. The strings of plastic firecrackers were the best find of all because they filled the tree up so nicely and gave it a more cohesive feel. Thank goodness for World Market, which is also where I found this cute golden Buddha-

More decorations after the jump.

Chloe Seven-KNEE's Closet

I think she's cute. Pretentiously cute, but cute nonetheless. I like that she can laugh at herself. Also, I never noticed that she has this little vocal tick where she kinda 'tsks' after a sentence. Does Drew do that in his parodies? Anyway, she would make a perfect flapper and I think that she should be playing Daisy in The Great Gatsby, not Carey Mulligan. 


Perhaps Carey is an excellent actress but she just doesn't have IT, you know? Chloe has IT. I kinda love her in a healthy girl crush kind of way.

At Home with Chloë Sevigny: Part 1 from Opening Ceremony on Vimeo.

Even In the 50s, We Dog Lovers Were Insane

Insane with cuteness!

Anderson Cooper's Gigglefest

SO infectious, that giggle. He's like a 13 year old girl getting tickle bombed at Summer Camp.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Season 2 Trailer

Oh dear God, it's going to be BAD, by which I mean good. Mark your calendars for September 5th, 9 p.m.
This new girl looks like a bigger cunt than Cameel, no?

Our Song

Fucking hippies! LOLOL!


I got married today. I'm a happy girl! Love to all!!!!!!!!!!!


We like a lot of trip hop too, and came to love this song on our first trip to Union Pier. It reminds me of boating and being completely warm and content.

I'm A Bad Mommy

We all go through periods in our lives where we are incredibly busy. You're doing so much for so long that you don't remember falling asleep at night, you're so tired. The day is done, you shower away the grime, have a cocktail (I recommend Tito's organic vodka mixed with Sweetleaf's mint & honey tea, super refreshing) and you collapse into bed for a quick puppy snuggle, then it's light's out. Just gone. We've been 30% busier than everyone else on the planet to the point where I haven't remembered that moment before falling asleep since June. 

The good news is that I have my punch drunk moments, joking to random people about our impending nuptials, and how it's an upgrade for me since everything is MINE now. I'm joking, of course. no I'm not. 

The bad news is that I haven't been spending as much time as I usually do with the dogs. Their spoiled asses are used to three treats a day, preferably in a crystal bowl and there better be variety dammit! Regular Shiatsu massage appointments are de riguer, and baby talk words of encouragement every single time they make a solid poo are standard to the point that I don't think either of them could loosen their bowels without them. Instead, I have been combing crap out of their undercoats so it doesn't get all over the newly cleaned carpets, and making them stare at me through French doors for hours at a time while I tile and paint. The looks they give me, the sadness in their eyes, I can practically hear the strains of the royal dirge through the thick panes of glass. It all boils down to one thing: BAD MOMMY. 

But then nine or ten o'clock rolls around, we snuggle on the bed, and all is forgiven, even Daddy's scary expletive heavy outbursts when he mis-measured the tile yesterday, and how Mommy smelled as bad as a rotten tuna that just fell out of Tamra's blimp hanger of a birth canal from sweating over thin set as hard as Cameel sweats on the toilet when her meds aren't working. Then....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Caption The Beauty Queen: Mah Ni-Ni Is Mah Crack Edition

I can't help it. I love this child.

Tom Ford, Fall 2011

Watching this almost makes me want to be pale again! ALMOST. I love the red and gold make-up, though on me it would look a tad, um....Tammy Faye. Anna Piaggi, IF I'm lucky. Your 40s aren't usually the right time to start experimenting. No eyebrow shaving or huge blonde hair for me. Those days are LONG gone. These days you will find me in a golf skirt and ponytail. In Fall- tights and sweaters. Bottoms are optional and depend on whether I am going out, or if Mr. McSlore is home.


I love his designs, always have. He's also HELLA hot. Voila:

Look at him being all queen-y in the front row of a fashion show. Oh my God, I love him so. He always has that tiny smile and you can just tell that he loves to share naughty stories and insider gossip, with the right people, of course. 

How I would love to be one of those people. We share the same birthday and both worked in the fashion biz. Does that count?

Grace Kelly Barbie

Oh dear. Must have.

I have a very small collection of Barbies. Star Trek (geek), Britney in her 'Oops, I did it Again' outfit, and Cher, to name a few. This new one of Grace Kelly from To Catch A Theif? I'm apoplectic! It is gorgeous! 

When I was little, I wanted to be her, or Joan Fontaine from Rebecca. Was obsessed. Still am.

That Danvers bitch. She got what she deserved.

Bonus Kitty gif for Chemgal after the jump.

DRUNCH!!!

HaHaHaHilarious!

Caption The Bravolebrity, Ghost In The Surf Edition

Today we have yet another beach picture, only with a lot less tan and cellulite. Kathy looks amazing, right? Isn't she 50 years old? An inspiration, people, in more ways than one. LOVE her.

My Orchid

I posted all those gorgeous photos of orchids yesterday and completely forgot ours. She's a beauty and the first I've ever gotten to bloom twice. There was nothing even remotely like it at the Botanical Gardens, which either means it's super rare or insanely common. Since I got it at Fresh Market, I'm going to go with the latter.

It's A Shirtless Post

This time I thought we'd go with soccer players since I'm stuck inside for what feels like the 100th weekend in a row. If it wasn't for Premier League Football and golf tournaments, I'd be drooling in my jammies watching the umpteenth Netflix movie that I never wanted to see when it came out in the first place.


I will provide names since I don't expect any of you to be as obsessed as I am. First up- the obligatory David Beckham.

Don't worry. It gets naked-er.

Napa Loves Me

How cute is my girl? She leans on my knee gazing adoringly at her Mama and telling me she will never eat me if I accidentally die while Mr. McSlore is out of town and no one checks in with me for a few days. 


Yes, this is a blatant attempt to get Chemgal to adopt a puppy.

Dali and Disney

If only Disney continued to collaborate with artists. Maybe I wouldn't hate them so much. At any rate, this is beautiful-

Some pictures I took of the Dali painting at the Cleveland Museum of Art. 

The Dream, 1931.

A closer view.