Only now does it occur to me... MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 5 – ROGUE NATION (2015)

 Only now does it occur to me... that Jeremy Renner can't see it.

Only now does it occur to me.... STAR WARS: EPISODE VII––THE FORCE AWAKENS (2015)

Only now does it occur to me... that since I've amply demonstrated the inspiration that the STAR WARS sequel trilogy drew from something as humble as old random episodes of DROIDS, it's time to officially acknowledge that Oscar Isaac's character "Poe Dameron"

is clearly inspired by Nicolas Cage's character "Cameron Poe" from the masterpiece CON AIR.

That is all.

Only now does it occur to me... IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994)

Only now does it occur to me... that John Carpenter's IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994) is such a wealth of creatively horrific visuals and ideas that one of its throwaway scares (not even really a scare, per se, moreso a morbid detail) became, in 2017, the entire basis of the marketing campaign for a $125 million Hollywood blockbuster.

I'm speaking here of THE MUMMY reboot (starring Tom Cruise), a film I must admit I have very little interest in seeing. However, I couldn't help but notice that the creepy "double-iris" of their Mummy has become quite ubiquitous:

Upon seeing this poster on the subway, I immediately thought of IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS––particularly the scene where a mad axeman looms behind Sam Neill and Bernie Casey outside a Manhattan diner.


Toward the scene's conclusion, while the axeman is menacing a frightened Sam Neill, we get a closer look at his eyes, which contain the double-iris effect:

What's funny is that this scene is so tightly constructed and confident in its "horror in broad daylight" premise that the whole "double-iris" aspect is probably only the fourth or fifth scariest detail of the entire tableau.

I reviewed IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS at length seven years ago (seven years?!), and for those who haven't seen it, the entirety of IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS is similarly layered––it has a sort of "throw in every scary thing you can think of and the kitchen sink" sensibility, but it really thrives on it. It's a mosaic of nightmare and lunacy that is incredibly focused; every element is carefully curated to fit the bigger picture, both thematically and visually. The double-iris is such a small detail that it's possible many people who have seen the film may have forgotten about it by the time the credits rolled. And yet, that's the power of Carpenter's films––from the spider-leg head in THE FACULTY (referencing THE THING), to CHILD'S PLAY 3's "Colonel Cochrane" (referencing HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH) to DAZED AND CONFUSED paraphrasing the best line ("I've come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...") from THEY LIVE, etc., etc., apparently Carpenter minutiae have been enthralling Hollywood for decades.

Note: it's also possible that THE MUMMY designers were inspired by DOUBLE VISION (2002), or something else entirely of which I'm unaware, but I'm going to go ahead and continue assuming that John Carpenter is the center of the universe.

Only now does it occur to me... POUND OF FLESH (2015)

Only now does it occur to me... that we may now fulfill our lifelong dream of seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme once again waking from a near-death experience in a bathtub full of ice, since UNIVERSAL SOLDIER never really did enough to scratch that itch.

Jean-Cold Van Damme stayin' cool in '92...
 
....and 2015.

If you're confused about what's going on, everything you need to know about this film can be summed up by the tagline: "They Stole His Kidney––He Wants It Back."

The above shot is the exact moment he discovers the aforementioned missing kidney, and as you can see there's a lot of classic JCVD "pathos face" combined with a lot of patented JCVD "posterior views," both of which really play to his strengths as a performer. (Remember, I theorized in my review of BLOODSPORT that the entire subplot with the female Kumite reporter existed solely to shoehorn in a gratuitous JCVD ass shot.) Perhaps it is unsurprising that JCVD is an executive producer of this fine film.

But wait, there's more––check out this scene, set in a discotheque:

I don't know if you can adequately tell from the still frame, but JCVD is clearly standing in front of a greenscreen. This is confirmed in the following shot, when JCVD's body double walks past, on set.

(Clothed) backside of Jean-Faux Van Damme on the left. Though Daniel Bernhardt is the only true Jean-Faux Van Damme I will ever need.

Now why on earth would they need to greenscreen this? I was under the impression that trashy discotheques were essentially JCVD's natural habitat. Truly a mystery for the ages.

Finally, for those of you assigned to "Splits Watch," we do indeed see one of his notorious splits, performed in slow motion alongside a moving car:


While the leg extension is not up to 'golden age Cannon Films'-levels, I'm willing to let it slide, cause the man is in his fifties. Also, JCVD is apparently the star of a new Amazon-distributed Comedy-Thriller series. How 'bout that?

Only now does it occur to me... HAIL, CAESAR! (2016)

Only now does it occur to me... that the Coen Brothers must be closet HIGHLANDER fans. Why else would they cast Clancy "The Kurgan" Brown:

and Christopher "Connor 'The Highlander' MacLeod" Lambert:

in the same film? (aside from the fact that they're both great, and wield a mean broadsword).  With Sean Connery retired, I suppose my only complaint is that Michael Ironside didn't make the cut.

Regardless, this film does not in fact revolve around HIGHLANDER sequel/prequel fan-fictions, though from the standpoint of a character-actor fan, it has much to offer. Amid the pastiche of Busby Berkeley and Vincente Minnelli-style musical numbers, there are wonderful bits by Robert Picardo as a finicky, test audience rabbi:

Fisher Stevens (who really knows how to make an entrance) as a furtive, blacklisted screenwriter:

Tilda Swinton in dual roles as twin-sister gossip columnists:

and Dolph Lundgren as the silhouette of a Russian submarine captain:

(since it's the 1950s,  I can't tell if he's Ivan Drago's father, or the father of his henchman from A VIEW TO A KILL). 

Sure, it's no BARTON FINK, but I enjoyed it.

Music Review: JOHN CARPENTER––LIVE RETROSPECTIVE, IN CONCERT (2016, Manhattan, NY)

Last Friday, it was my pleasure to see John Carpenter––horror master, composer of electronic music, and one of my cinematic heroes––live in concert at the PlayStation Theater in Times Square.

Carpenter (affectionately and frequently referred to as "Carpy" by this site) has deliberately kept a low profile for much of the last decade, having directed only one feature film and two episodes of Showtime's MASTERS OF HORROR since 2001. However, the past year has seen a sort of New Carpenter Renaissance: he's released two new albums (the brilliant LOST THEMES and LOST THEMES II, both of which are the atmospheric equivalent of new Carpenter films), issued three music videos, announced his intention to produce a HALLOWEEN movie for the first time since 1982, and has been touring with the "John Carpenter Live Retrospective," a concert series of film music, new and old, accompanied by projected scenes from his classic films. It was this Live Retrospective that I was able to see on Friday along with a packed house of fellow Carpy enthusiasts (a crowd of around 2,000). Let me tell you about it!

The lineup consisted of John Carpenter himself on one synthesizer, his son Cody Carpenter handling multiple synths, Daniel Davies [Carpy's godson and son of The Kinks' Dave Davies (who collaborated on IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS and VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED '95) ] on lead guitar, John Konesky on guitar, John Spiker on bass, and Scott Seiver on drums: the same lineup seen in Carpenter's recent music videos. Carpenter himself looked rather formidable, dressed all in black with his trademark mustache and long white hair pulled back into a ponytail. At 68, he's still got a real spring in his step, and often visibly grooved to the beat, gave the sign of the horns, or encouraged the audience to clap along. This was not the "lovably irascible" Carpenter who makes the headlines on nerdy websites every few months when he opines on the shortcomings of contemporary horror, etc. This was a laid back, funky Carpenter––this was Carpenter having fun! (As usual, he was a man of few words, but I'll recount the most memorable ones as I describe his set list.)

He opened, appropriately, with ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK's "Main Title," a classic selection which really got the crowd going. Across the board, I must say that Carpenter's band has a nice, thick sound, and the live arrangements generally differ from the album/soundtrack versions in that there's a greater prevalence of drum orchestration and guitar solos, which ultimately makes for a more satisfying live experience.

Carpy and his crew rock out to ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. Photo courtesy of John Carpenter's official Facebook page.

Next was ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13's iconic "Main Title," Carpy's first big hit and one so popular that it was even remixed for French discotheques!  (Carpenter declined to play the disco version.)

He followed with two tracks from LOST THEMES, the nostalgic "Vortex" and the thoughtful "Mystery," both pumped up by new arrangements which allowed for an impressive drum foundation and an extended guitar solo from Davies.

After taking a moment to describe his love for ghost movies, Carpy & Co. turned their attention to THE FOG's "Main Title," as blue lights shone bright and the fog machines were turned to full blast. It was a moment of true magic to see Carpenter pounding out that baroque melody while enveloped by his iconic blue fog.

Carpenter and his band proceeded to don sunglasses, and bassist John Spiker plucked out the first five notes from THEY LIVE. The crowd erupted in recognition as "OBEY," "CONSUME," "CONFORM," and "SLEEP" were projected on the screen behind the band. They continued with the rest of "Coming to L.A." (the main theme of THEY LIVE), and when the projection featured Keith David and Roddy Piper's famous fistfight, there was a rather enthusiastic response from the crowd, to say the least.

Next was the only non-Carpenter-composed song of the evening (sorry, STARMAN die-hards––no Jack Nitzsche for you!): the Ennio Morricone-scored "Main Title" from THE THING. Carpenter gave a special shout-out to Morricone as the ominous bass line began to rattle the room.  Stark white light set the proper Antarctic mood, one which was later accompanied by projections of some of the more gruesome (and crowd-pleasing) scenes from THE THING. He followed this up with "Distant Dream" (the opening track from LOST THEMES II), which served as a sort of palate cleanser after that relentless, bassy doom and gloom.

Carpenter dedicated the following song to "a friend I made five movies with, but the most fun we ever had was when we went looking for a girl with green eyes."

There's Biiiiiig Trouble....in Little China! Photo courtesy of John Carpenter's official Facebook page.

Obviously, the friend was Kurt Russell, and the song was "Pork Chop Express," the rootin'-tootin' opening theme to BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.  (Unfortunately, this was a "John Carpenter Live Retrospective" and not a "Coupe de Villes Reunion Tour," and therefore we were denied the rockin' closing credits music, "Big Trouble in Little China." But I can live with that!)

Carpenter invited the audience to "ride the synth wave" with him, and followed with "Wraith," a melancholy track from LOST THEMES. Then he insisted "these songs so far have been uncharacteristically positive––let's go a little darker... into the 'Night.'" (The "Night" in question being the closing track from LOST THEMES, a gloomy cyberpunk meditation.)

Afterward, insisting that he had "a confession to make," Carpenter humorously admitted to being a horror director before proclaiming "horror movies will live forever!" The crowd roared as Cody began plunking out the HALLOWEEN "Main Theme" (in its distinctive 5/4 time signature). The orchestration that followed was more layered and complex than what originally appeared in 1978, and it was newly arranged for this lineup (though it bore a resemblance to the arrangement from HALLOWEEN II).

He followed this with the rockin' "Main Title" from IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, and Daniel Davies performed the extended guitar solo that his father originally played for the 1994 film. After this, the band left the stage––but you just know Carpy's gonna do an encore:

They returned with "Opening Titles" from PRINCE OF DARKNESS, one of Carpenter's darkest and voxiest tracks. This flowed into "Virtual Survivor," a moody piece from LOST THEMES II, which gave way to "Purgatory," a diptych from the original LOST THEMES that I once imagined was the theme song to the fictitious film, CAPTAIN RON VERSUS THE FOG. 

When they'd finished, Carpenter grew pensive, leaning toward the microphone. He said, "As you leave tonight, and go out into the darkness, be careful... 'Christine' is out there!" Two floodlights lit up opposite ends of the stage (approximating the headlights of a haunted Plymouth Fury), and the fourth and final encore was the lesser-known "Main Theme" from CHRISTINE (you may recall that the opening scene is actually set to George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone").

In all, it was a wonderful experience––wonderful to see one of my heroes not merely yawning through a Q&A, but actually doing what he loves on a stage for a deeply appreciative audience; presenting fresh new material alongside his past classics. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Carpy rocks!

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... VINYL (2016)

Only now does it occur to me... that the "Long-Haired Rocker"––on the left-hand side, in the orange and brown faux-silk shirt––bears a certain resemblance to the proprietor of this blog:


And indeed it is!  In July 2014, it was my pleasure to work as an extra in the Martin Scorsese-directed pilot episode of VINYL, which premiered last night on HBO.  It was amazing to witness the (then) seventy-one year old Scorsese ply his trade with the passion and energy of someone fifty years his junior.  (I myself could barely keep up after two consecutive seventeen-hour days.)  It was something of a magical experience (I even had the opportunity to briefly meet co-producer and FREEJACK star Mick Jagger), and in my rather biased opinion, I recommend you check it out!

Only now does it occur to me... BONE TOMAHAWK (2015)

Only now does it occur to me... that Sid Haig and David Arquette ought to co-star in a full-fledged buddy comedy.

 

Their dynamic here––as a couple of bumbling, cutthroat highwaymen––only lasts for a few minutes, but it's thoroughly enjoyable, with Sid doing the irascible old man bit and Arquette dialing up the sort of Steven Weber-pastiche he nailed in Mick Garris' RIDING THE BULLET.

The film itself has some pacing issues and a streak of unlikeability––it's a generally nihilistic thriller, part acid western and part torture porn.

 

But then again, it's great to see that mustache on screen again.  Kurt presumably grew it for THE HATEFUL EIGHT, but sensibly realized that it was far too fantastic a 'stache to confine to only one film.

He also has a great "grumpy old men" relationship with brilliant character actor Richard Jenkins (THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, THE VISITOR, BURN AFTER READING).

There are some notable performances and shenanigans along the way––an extremely restrained Sean Young shows up, possibly wearing the same shoulder pads from BLADE RUNNER:

 

Matthew Fox chomps on cigars and occasionally contorts his face into the expression known to LOST fans as "Jackface":

and the tribal troglodyte villains seem culled from a MAD MAX movie, but that's okay, too.

BONE TOMAHAWK, ladies and gentlemen.

Film Review: MICHAEL IRONSIDE: MENTAL SABOTEUR (2014, Karen Stetler)

This short documentary is a simple, twenty-minute interview with Michael Ironside (beloved Junta Juleil Hall-of-Famer and star of SCANNERS).  It was included on Criterion's release of SCANNERS, and it was a good enough interview that I thought it deserved its own mini-writeup.

Shot in March of 2014, Ironside is incredibly forthcoming and speaks to a mix of topics, both weighty and jovial.

He dips into some interesting childhood anecdotes, including one about his grandfather "Jock" who turned him on to science fiction.  "I came from a very poor family. Our house was twelve and a half feet wide... very proud.  You had to be able to escape in books."

He describes becoming involved in the industry as an actor and a crew-person––anything to pay the bills.  "My father used to say that I ran away and joined the circus.  And he was right.  I would do anything to stay around the big top.  I would be in front of the camera, behind the camera, deliver food, I worked for production services for a while..."

He even did some behind-the-camera work on SCANNERS, literally pulling the trigger on the shotgun that exploded SCANNERS' most infamous special effect.

Also in regard to SCANNERS, he tells a sobering story about actor Larry Dane's back pain, describes the contact lens effects (some were borrowed from LITTLE BIG MAN), and coins the term "mental saboteur" in reference to his character, Darryl Revok. He has a lot of praise for Cronenberg as an actor-friendly director, and as a "navigator" of film who never loses his story-compass.

He also speaks about taking his first steps toward the larger, scarier world of Hollywood ("I went broke trying to stay in Canada...  I'd watched people go down to the States and come back with their tails between their legs").

The most amusing anecdote is the story of a dinner with co-star Jennifer O'Neill and her husband, and she asks him about what he's buying the crew for Christmas.  The massively underpaid Ironside says, "What am I buying the crew for Christmas?!––I'm trying to steal my own wardrobe!"  When he learns what salary Jennifer O'Neill is making, he flips his lid.  "It was a major growing moment for me," he says. "You can make a living doing this?"

In any event, this brief but densely-packed interview is well worth checking out, for fans of Ironside and Cronenberg alike.

2015 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  SCANNERS (1981, David Cronenberg)

2.  ...

Only now does it occur to me... BURYING THE EX

Only now does it occur to me... that I should probably offer, as a public service announcement, the casual advice to avoid––even if you are a Joe Dante completist, like myself––his latest offering, BURYING THE EX, a lazy zombie-romantic-comedy that's easily his worst ever theatrical feature.  I don't have the patience to go in depth, but it is a failure of screenwriting, and I do find respite in knowing that Dante has not lost his moxie––in the past ten years, HOMECOMING, THE SCREWFLY SOLUTION, and THE HOLE all are suffused with his lovely and manic energy, and, in particular, I'd put HOMECOMING up there with his finest work.

Additionally, I must rag on BURYING THE EX for deleting the legendary Mary Woronov's only scene and can only offer, as a consolation prize, a screen capture of the eighty-six year old Dick Miller as "Grumpy Cop," a character who gets all of forty-five seconds to mumble about how kids these days are all on meth.

It was good to see ya, Dick Miller––keep on truckin'!

In closing, if there is indeed a God, will you please, please, please let THE MAN WITH KALEIDOSCOPE EYES happen (an as-of-yet unproduced film that Dante has been kicking around for years, a behind-the-scenes biopic on the making of THE TRIP, with the characters of Roger Corman, Jack Nicholson, Dennis Hopper, and Peter Fonda experimenting with LSD while they try to make the movie).  That is all.

Only now does it occur to me... JURASSIC WORLD

Only now does it occur to me... that the JURASSIC PARK series has steadily and perhaps deliberately evolved into the ROCKY series.  Allow me to explain (spoilers will follow for all the JURASSIC PARK films and the first four ROCKYs).

JURASSIC PARK and ROCKY are both classy, well-constructed films with serious tones; they were followed up with sequels that tried to capture the spirit of the original on a larger scale, but with mixed results.  JURASSIC PARK III and ROCKY III both stride solidly into camp territory

I.e., Michael Jeter as a mercenary....


and Hulk Hogan as "Thunderlips."

and introduce absurd, larger-than-life villains (the exaggerated Spinosaurus and Mr. T, respectively).  JURASSIC PARK III especially mirrors ROCKY III when the T. Rex (sort of the Burgess Meredith of the JURASSIC PARK universe––unrepentantly irascible, and a great motivator) is killed by the Spinosaurus in order to "raise the stakes."

Thus, the stage was primed for JURASSIC WORLD to embrace its destiny as the ROCKY IV of dinosaur movies, and hoo boy it sure did, unabashedly leaping headlong into the wondrous realm of the "clumsily endearing trashterpiece."  In JURASSIC WORLD, our new villain is "Indominus Rex," who, like Dolph Lundgren in ROCKY IV, is a 'roided-out, unnatural laboratory creation.


 "I must break you."


"If he dies, he dies..."  Yet both easily tamed by Grace Jones.

Like ROCKY IV, it purports to ironically demonstrate the shortcomings of "bigger is better" commercialism by unironically embracing "bigger is better" commercialism.

Whether in Las Vegas...

...or at Sea World?

There's a zany "celebrity cameo... as themselves" (James Brown in ROCKY IV and Jimmy Fallon in JURASSIC WORLD), and JURASSIC WORLD ends with a dino punch-out session more ludicrous than anything ROCKY or the WWF ever dreamed up, with dinosaurs literally tagging each other into the ring (they really should have played rockin' entrance music for each of the contenders... "And now, tagging in with folding chairs, the Mosasaurus and The Ultimate Warrior!"), delivering head-nods, inspirational beatdowns, and the like.





The whole thing was more than worthy of a faux-Gorbachev slow-clap.

I have no doubt that in whatever form JURASSIC PARK V emerges, it will do so as the ROCKY V of JURASSIC PARK movies.  (What dinosaur will boldly step up to the plate and be the "Tommy Gunn" or JURASSIC PARK?)

Anyway, I'll leave you with this inspirational juxtaposition:

And after all that clobberin' you may have the overwhelming desire to purchase cuddly variants of the main characters. 

Music Review: LOST THEMES (2015, John Carpenter)

Stars:  5 of 5.
Publisher:  Sacred Bones Records.
Runtime:  Forty-seven minutes, fifty-three seconds.
Personnel:  John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter, Daniel Davies.

John Carpenter: the heir to Howard Hawks, an unrivaled enthusiast of "Albertus" font, the man who has most effectively used "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, and quite possibly the greatest genre director of all time.  I have sung his praises on many an occasion.  Carpenter (often and affectionately referred to as "Carpy" on this site) is not merely "The Master of Horror"–he is also the Maestro.  It's well known that he scored or co-scored the vast majority of his films with pulse-pounding vigor (that has inspired countless electronic musicians to this day), but less well known is the remainder of his musical oeuvre, much of which was rendered with the help of buddies Nick Castle and Tommy Lee Wallace under the flag of "The Coupe de Villes."  I've reviewed the Coupe de Villes' debut album, WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES in two parts, here and here, as well as their contributions to the soundtracks of HALLOWEEN, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and THE BOY WHO COULD FLY.

LOST THEMES is, quite obviously, not a Coupe de Villes album, but it is executed with the same unhindered passion, diligence, and privacy.  I mention privacy because I've come to believe that the hustle-bustle of a big-budget film set and the corporate entanglements therein have, over time, spoiled the joy of artistic creation for Mr. Carpenter.  However, with music, he can enter his inner sanctum and exercise the boundless powers of his imagination without unnecessary outside interference.  In a manner of speaking, this album represents the distillation of almost thirty years of artistic expression; each track brims with an élan vital, the force of feeling of a fully imagined feature-length film.  Close your eyes, lose yourself in the swirling sounds, and you're watching every film Carpy never made.  There's a reason this is entitled "LOST" THEMES.

Why, it's enough to force you to your knees like Charlton Heston at the end of PLANET OF THE APES, and scream (at the studio heads who made THE THING and BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA such ordeals for Carpy) "You maniacs!  We could have had all these films!  Ah, damn you!  Damn you all to hell!"

But enough psychoanalytical speculation and delusional wish fulfillment... onto the album itself!

#1.  Vortex
Runtime:  Four minutes, forty-five seconds.
Impressions:  This is the track they released in advance to whet the appetites of Carpenter fans, and it's a damn good one.  Immediately it launches us back in time, overwhelming with nostalgia...  the melancholy piano chords recall ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK; the synthy cannonade, PRINCE OF DARKNESS; the impish guitars, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA... but you can't go home again, and consequently it feels a little gloomier than your average Carpenter track.  But a dark power lurks in that gloom, persistent, threatening to rise to the surface...
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  VORTEX, the fourth film of his apocalypse trilogy (THE THING, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), a loose retelling of John Wyndham's unorthodox novel of extraterrestrial invasion, THE KRAKEN WAKES–set on an isolated sea base staffed by blue-collar, monster-slayin' heroes.  Starring Keith David, Peter Jason, and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

#2.  Obsidian
Runtime:  Eight minutes, twenty-four seconds.
Impressions:  Obsidian plays with several musical modes: one has more overtly pounding drums and a cosmic/heroic flavor (it feels sort of like UNDERWATER SUNLIGHT/OPTICAL RACE-era Tangerine Dream); one is darker and cheerfully macabre with tinkling arpeggios; one is thoughtful, with echoey, pensive piano; one is kickass Gothic with FOG-style cathedral organ and guitar riffs on rampage; one broods unrepentantly with percussive shakers and a wailing synth; and finally we return to the mode that began the piece.  Quite possibly my favorite track on the album.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  OBSIDIAN ZONE, the story of cocksure coal miner (obviously, Kurt Russell) who accidentally forges a pathway to Lovecraftian terror and, along with his fellow miners, must use the tricks of the trade to destroy the creatures before they reach the surface.  Co-starring Yaphet Kotto, Harry Dean Stanton, and "Buck" Flower.

#3.  Fallen
Runtime:  Four minutes, forty-four seconds.
Impressions:  At the outset, this feels slightly more like a Jean-Michel Jarre track (think EQUINOX era) than a Carpenter one, but it's rather atmospheric and well-executed.  The mystery gives way to "gettin' shit done" guitar riffs out of VAMPIRES or IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, but it maintains a dark consistency.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  In the far reaches of deep space, the leaders of a failing colony (Franco Nero and Harry Dean Stanton) must solicit help from a rival settlement run by a mysterious and dynamic commandant (Willem Dafoe), who may or may not be an iteration of the fallen angel Satan (as depicted in Milton's PARADISE LOST).  See all this and more in JOHN CARPENTER'S FALLEN.  (I imagine this as Carpy's first European co-production, with French and Italian financing.)

#4.  Domain
Runtime: Six minutes, thirty-four seconds.
Impressions:  It begins with haunting, ghostly synths–and launches into a wonderfully insane mosaic of the 1980s, flitting between a dance party and what could easily be the opening credits to an action-TV show.  It closes out with a melancholy-but-sort-of-sassy heroic theme that conjures imagery of say, a helicopter shot of a background character from MAD MAX riding a horse across a beach at sunset.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  This is obviously the suite of music to Carpenter's first television series.  He directed the pilot, but then it was taken over by the same (quasi-charming?) hacks that laid claim to most of his real-life scripts for television.  It's called MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN, and it takes place in at futuristic prison, surrounded by desert in all directions.  Each week, via bloody kumite, the inmates must compete to become... MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN.  Starring Harry Hamlin, Jimmy Smits, and Philip Michael Thomas; with Wilford Brimley as "The Old Man," and Ernest Borgnine as "The Warden."

#5.  Mystery 
Runtime:  Four minutes, thirty-six seconds.
Impressions:  Sensitive and thoughtful, it begins with nearly Classical arpeggiating... that could easily accompany a space documentary on battered VHS.  Then, it gains traction and authority, and its latter half is comprised of commanding drumbeats and power chords; audacity with a hint of menace.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  JOHN CARPENTER'S SHROUD OF MYSTERY, an interstellar romance (not unlike STARMAN), but one that ends with our two intergalactic wayfarers forced to confront an ancient, ghostly evil beyond the edge of the Solar System.  Starring Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau.

#6. Abyss
Runtime:  Six minutes, seven seconds.
Impressions:  The beginning sounds a little Fabio Frizzi to me (Lucio Fulci's usual composer)–there's something in the tone of the modulation that feels like 80s Italy to me, though there are sparklingly dark electric pianos and deep synth chords that are pure Carpenter.  There's a tonal shift at the halfway point as a thumping beat and some reverb-y guitars get down to business.  So many of these pieces build an exquisite sense of macabre mystery before transforming into work of relentless, driving action–which is not unlike many of Carpenter's films.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  HALLOWEEN III, BOOK 2: SEASON OF THE ABYSS.  Picking up directly after the end of HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, Challis (Tom Atkins) struggles to survive in a world reeling from the aftermath of Conal Cochran's masterstroke, a world bereft of children but overflowing with bugs and snakes and the mournful echoes of the Silver Shamrock song.

#7. Wraith
Runtime:  Four minutes, thirty seconds.
Impressions:  A quiet, twinkling opening slowly builds ominous momentum before finally exploding with the energy of a tempestuous, mournful guitar solo in the David Gilmour mode.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  WRAITH, a John Carpenter ghost story partly inspired by the writings of M.R James, starring Dennis Dun as an investigator of paranormal phenomena, Jamie Lee Curtis as his spitfiery competitor, Donald Pleasence as his Professor, and Lee Van Cleef as "The Wraith."

#8. Purgatory
Runtime:  Four minutes, thirty-nine seconds.
Impressions: Another diptych.  The first section lays heavy, with slow, emotive strains.  The second is rootin'-tootin' action piano, lively drums, and whooshing synth FX.  This is the soundtrack to a serious film– albeit one that's not afraid to tread in 'whacky' territory.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  Clearly this is the theme to CAPTAIN RON VS. THE FOG, a film which resides only in the "purgatory" of my imagination, best explained in my three-part fiction, "Carpy & The Cap'n," which can be read here, here, and here.  Starring Kurt Russell as Captain Ron, Dennis Dun as Captain Kwon, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper as Nardo, and Powers Boothe as Blake.

#9.  Night
Runtime: Three minutes, thirty-eight seconds.
Impressions: The dark and deliberate oscillations call to mind imagery of flashing lights and wet pavement, a snaking and zooming futuristic highway after dark.  Unlike many of the other 'lost themes,' Night retains the same mood throughout, with varying degrees of gloom and wonder.
Synopsis of the Fictitious, Not-Yet-Produced John Carpenter Film I Imagine While Listening to It:  John Carpenter's N.I.G.H.T., a cyberpunk thriller (which brings us full circle– William Gibson, considered to have originated the genre with NEUROMANCER, was deeply inspired by ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK) set on a stretch of crumbling superhighway near Cleveland in the ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK universe, chronicling the clashes between outlaw biker gangs (led by Lance Henriksen) and the paramilitary forces of President Donald Pleasence (led by Michael Ironside).  Co-starring Adrienne Barbeau, Brion James, Sonny Landham, Pam Grier, and featuring a cameo from Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken.

In all, LOST THEMES is a treat for the imagination; for fans of John Carpenter, for the film buffs and the dreamers, for anyone who's relished the chance to escape to another world, even if only for an afternoon...    Five stars.

–Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

Only now does it occur to me... that X-MEN: FIRST CLASS casts a few unexpected, terrific actors in its thankless bit parts (obviously, I'm not talking about lead villain Nazi-mutant Kevin Bacon, though he was indeed unexpected).

Ring-a-ding-ding

Let's see here– we have, in the DR. STRANGELOVE-style war room, 

none other than James Remar (48 HRS., THE WARRIORS, DEXTER) is wandering around the background as "US General," according to the end credits.

It's a waste– they should have at least had him dancing.

Also in the war room, Ray Wise (TWIN PEAKS, ROBOCOP) shows up for about five seconds as "Secretary of State."

This is definitely a waste– they should have had him cry-dancing.

Given the film's use of archival JFK footage and attempts to adhere to the timeline of the Cuban Missile Crisis, I suppose Ray Wise is technically playing Dean Rusk. For about five seconds.

Finally, in a slightly more substantial role, we have Michael Ironside as "Captain," doing his typical steel-jawed military hardass bit.  

He seems to be leading the forces of the American Navy during the final showdown, though for the most part he's only raising and lowering his binoculars, alternating between looking confused and concerned.

Concerned,

then

confused.

In all, I enjoyed this movie far more than I thought I would; and though I can complain that they underused three of my favorite actors, I can't really blame them for, in the face of an enormous budget, using the money to hire character acting legends to do glorified extra work.  Hell, if I had the money, I'd hire Michael Ironside to hang out at my apartment and do my laundry.