Film Review: STAY TUNED (1992, Peter Hyams)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.

Running Time: 88 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  John Ritter (THREE'S COMPANY, STEPHEN KING'S IT), Pam Dawber (Mindy on MORK AND MINDY), Jeffrey Jones (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, BEETLEJUICE, AMADEUS), Eugene Levy (BEST IN SHOW, WAITING FOR GUFFMAN), Erik King (STREET SMART, DEXTER), Don Calfa (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S), David Tom (PLEASANTVILLE), Heather McComb (APT PUPIL, ALL THE REAL GIRLS), a special appearance by Captain Lou Albano (WWF CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING, WISE GUYS), and Salt-N-Pepa as themselves.  Written by Tom S. Parker and Jim Jennewein (MAJOR LEAGUE II, THE FLINTSTONES '94, RICHIE RICH, GETTING EVEN WITH DAD).  Animation sequence supervised by Chuck Jones (LOONEY TUNES, MERRIE MELODIES, WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT).  Directed and shot by Peter Hyams (TIMECOP, RUNNING SCARED, SUDDEN DEATH, 2010).

Tag-line:  "The Knables signed up for a cable system that's out of this world!"

Best one-liner:  "Kids, don't try this at home!"

Hoping to achieve the success of other broad sci-fi/comedy/fantasy crossover fare like HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS or SHORT CIRCUIT or WEIRD SCIENCE, STAY TUNED tells the tale of a demonic company ("Hell-o-Vision") who sucks consumers through their satellite dishes into a television purgatory

whereupon they bounce from show to twisted show, trying to stay alive amid a sea of lethal clichés.  If they fail, they're (apparently) sentenced to eternal damnation.

In a touch of inspired casting, our heroes are ex-sitcom stars (John Ritter of THREE'S COMPANY and Pam Dawber of MORK AND MINDY), and the major villain, "Spike," is played by Jeffrey Jones (Dean Rooney from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF), who is exactly who should be playing the role of a pompous, channel-flipping demon.  The first choice for director was Tim Burton, but ultimately the job went to Peter Hyams, a director known for zany buddy cop flicks (RUNNING SCARED, BUSTING), Jupiter-related sci-fi (2010, OUTLAND), and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies (TIMECOP, SUDDEN DEATH).

STAY TUNED aims for caustic satire, but the end result is an uneven jumble of high-energy gags that are occasionally clever, but usually blockheaded.  (I don't know what I expected– it's from the mastermind writing team that brought us MAJOR LEAGUE II, THE FLINTSTONES '94, RICHIE RICH, and GETTING EVEN WITH DAD.)  I might even go as far as to say that it ends up feeling like a cross between MOONWALKER and VIDEODROME, only it's not nearly as amazing as that sounds (not even close).

It's still got a few good moments, though, so now I'm going to regale you with a list of:

12 THINGS I NEVER EXPECTED IN MY LIFE TO SEE, UNTIL SUDDENLY, WHILE WATCHING STAY TUNED, I SAW THEM:

#1.  Jeffrey Jones' disembodied head, cackling with glee, and launching itself at the viewer from inside the confines of an actual cable line.

#2.  Cap'n Lou Albano revving up a crowd for John Ritter tag-team action.

#3.  "THE EXORCISIST."



#4.  Jeffrey Jones spinnin' and scratchin' and groovin' and quick-mixin' as he DJs a party in a Salt-N-Pepa music video (!).

#5.  A Maxell commercial parody involving decapitation and calling itself MAX HELL.



#6.  "THREE MEN AND ROSEMARY'S BABY."

And I love that they got the detailing right on the satanic bassinet!

#7.  A STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION parody featuring Jeffrey Jones as multiple characters, including Worf, Data, and whoever is being depicted on that viewscreen:

(John Ritter is Picard.)

#8.  "DUANE'S UNDERWORLD."


A zombie parody of a Saturday Night Live sketch that is itself a parody of the very specific niche of rock n' roll-based cable access TV.  Whew!

#9.  "MY THREE SONS OF BITCHES."

#10.  I didn't get a screencap of it, but we do see the title screen of a show called "FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS."  I wonder if John Carpenter would be the director?

#11.  A fiendish, alternate dimensional version of THREE'S COMPANY that becomes John Ritter's worst nightmare.

(If the whole movie was this bizarre, I probably would consider it a masterpiece.)

#12.  The inspiration for CABIN IN THE WOODS?!

If you haven't seen CABIN IN THE WOODS (henceforth CITW), stop reading now.  

Though I half-expected it to rub me the wrong way, I really enjoyed CITW.  And now I also know that STAY TUNED was likely the basis for the whole endeavor.  This doesn't at all ruin my CITW experience, but I think there should possibly be an "inspired by" credit, or some acknowledgment to the film which preceded it.

Before you call me crazy, consider the set-up:  poor archetypal schmucks are taken to a demonic arena to be sacrificed via cliché for the amusement of dark gods.  The ritual is orchestrated by demonic middle-management in a command center that resembles a high-tech office with lots of monitors, and so on.

There is a new, logical, go-getting black guy (here, DEXTER's Erik King, in CITW it's Brian White) to whom they must explain the process:

They monitor the progress of the other contestants–  here, an old lady is being killed in Tokyo by a Will Vinton-esque Godzilla–

which recalls the alternate city monsters in CITW, like the RINGU girl in Japan and the giant ape in Buenos Aires.

As the film progresses, the archetype of "The Fool" (Ritter in STAY TUNED and Fran Kranz in CITW) continues to thwart the plans of the demonic middle management, threatening to upend their organization,

and by the film's end, we've seen a deluge of nearly every cliché in the book planted in a new context (from TV in STAY TUNED, from horror movies in CITW).  So there you go:  a mostly mediocre fantasy comedy from 1992 ends up being responsible for the best horror movie of 2012?

Two and a half stars.

–Sean Gill

Film Review: TRUE CRIME (1999, Clint Eastwood)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 127 minutes.
Tag-line: "Clint Eastwood."
Notable Cast or Crew: Clint Eastwood, Isaiah Washington (DEAD PRESIDENTS, OUT OF SIGHT), James Woods, Denis Leary, Michael McKean (CLUE, THIS IS SPINAL TAP), Erik King (DEXTER, STREET SMART), Bernard Hill (THE TWO TOWERS, DROWNING BY NUMBERS), Lisa Gay Hamilton (THE PRACTICE, JACKIE BROWN), Lucy Liu (KILL BILL, PAYBACK), Michael Jeter (TALES OF THE CITY, JURASSIC PARK 3), Diane Venora (HEAT, A.D., THE COTTON CLUB), Sydney Poitier (DEATH PROOF), Marissa Ribisi (ENCINO WOMAN), Anthony Zerbe (COOL HAND LUKE, KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK).
Best one-liner: "I'll have a Virgin Mary... heavy on the Virgin."

TRUE CRIME kind of gets a bum rap. It didn't have the no-holds-barred pseudo-Fascist gunplay of DIRTY HARRY, the Oscar-bait pull of UNFORGIVEN, or the reflective artistic brilliance of WHITE HUNTER, BLACK HEART. It opened to mixed reviews and geriatric cheap shots, and was something of a bomb, too, earning back only $16 million of its $55 million budget. But I say: so what? I think we can all agree that this is no UNFORGIVEN. But I'm more than willing to settle for a well-acted mystery drama with all-around solid craftsmanship and Clint's 'Zen' touch. So here's ten reasons why TRUE CRIME is better than the conventional critical narrative would have you believe:

#1. James Woods. The consummate skeeze.

Every moment he's on screen, the proceedings feel like a lesser Mamet play. I only include the descriptor 'lesser' because the script was not, in fact, penned by Mamet. Utterances such as "Look, if he comes to me for your ass, I'm going to have to give it to him. Then you'll just be a hole, with no ass around it!" or "Stop fucking Bob's wife. He doesn't like it," may not be Pulitzer-worthy barbs, but, by God, they get the job done. Naturally, Woods brings it his all.

He even gets a 'SAY WHUTTT,' frozen-in-mid-candy-bar-bite moment that will, in all likelihood, blow your mind.


#2. Odd Lynchian touches. Now I've made the unlikely comparison between Eastwood and Lynch in a previous review, and I'm prepared to stand behind it. Here, examples include this mysterious, gradual tracking shot into the shattered, gaping maw of a broken windshield,

and later on, some slow-motion pounding and screaming on a glass barrier that borders on the abstract.

#3. Michael McKean in a serious role, as the prison's resident death row clergyman. It's not necessarily one of his most memorable performances, but it's a nice bit.


#4. Womanizing, philandering, "She looked eighteen to me," 68-year-old Clint.


'Nobody needs to see that,' some might complain. And maybe they're right. Maybe he was just coasting on that BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY high, and thought he'd drum up extra female viewers who wanted to see some Clint-cake (?!) on display.


YOWZA

He even tries to work his magic on shop clerk Lucy Liu:



Anyway, this sort of behavior leads to–

#5. This particular tortured look on Clint's face as his pissed-off, long-suffering wife slams the door in his face.


#6. Clint cleaning the pocket-sized J&B bottles out of his back seat before taking his daughter to the zoo.

And speaking of the Zoo:

#7. The Zoo Trip. Now the trip to the Zoo begins with Clint zestfully inquiring to his daughter "ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG HIPPO?!," which is, without a doubt, the most macabre remark I've ever heard pass through Clint's lips. Regardless, they arrive at the Zoo, whereupon Clint realizes that the clock is ticking, and he must return to his time-sensitive investigation forthwith. Before you can say "Okay, Lets play speed zoo!," Clint is flying his kid down the thoroughfare in a cart traveling faster than a speeding bullet. But then–

Whoa-oa-oa–

WHOOOOOPS

And the horrified onlookers take judgmental note of Clint's subpar parenting skills-



– as Clint tries to salvage his dignity and his daughter's sullied jean-jacket. It's an incredible scene.

#8. Michael Jeter. He plays a sleazebag almost as often as James Woods, and with comparably potent results. Also: I've rarely seen him without a bowtie.


#9. The tremendous pathos of Isaiah Washington and Lisa Gay Hamilton. As the convicted killer (whose guilt Clint wishes to determine) and his wife, respectively, Washington and Hamilton's performances are the fulcrum on which this film pivots.

If you don't care about them, then, ostensibly, you don't care about the movie. Luckily for the movie, they pull it off.

#10. The critical exchange between Clint and Isaiah Washington, during which Clint becomes determined to go on his balls-to-the-wall truth-finding mission. Washington's character has less than twelve hours to an appointment with lethal injection. Eastwood's a larger-than-life, grizzled old hardass. Of course the scene is gonna be good. And Clint gets things off to a great start–


"Mister Beachum... Frankly I don't give a rat's ass about Jesus Christ and I don't care about justice in this world, or the next..."

It's a damned solid scene and a shining example of first-rate Clint, who- as GRAN TORINO continued to prove– refuses to embrace decrepitude and its byproducts. TRUE CRIME is not top-tier Eastwood, but it's a well-made film with some outstanding moments, and it proudly deserves to occupy a slot in Clint's oeuvre. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: STREET SMART (1987, Jerry Schatzberg)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Morgan Freeman, Christopher Reeve, Kathy Baker (EDWARD SCISSORHANDS), Andre Gregory (MY DINNER WITH ANDRE), Jay Patterson (MCBAIN), Rick Aviles ('Rat Man' in THE STAND), Erik King (Doakes on Showtime's DEXTER), Mimi Rogers (WEDLOCK, THE RAPTURE), Leslie Carlson (VIDEODROME). Music by Robert Irving III and Miles Davis.
Tag-line: "Everything you say can and will be held against you."
Best one-liner: "I will show you the streets, man."

Whenever Cannon pulls off a genuine prestige picture, I feel as if it's like your zany kid brother inexplicably made the Honor Roll and you're like 'How the eff did he pull that off?' cause he spent all semester breakdancing in the lunchroom, eating Charles Bronson's ice cream confections, and palling around with Michael Dudikoff. The only real 'Cannon elements' are the sheer audacity, the number of references to shoving objects up asses, and the (Miles Davis + slap-happy bass synths) soundtrack.

And maybe a few of the costumes.

Regardless, Palm d'Or winner Jerry Schatzberg (SCARECROW, THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK) and writer David Freeman (THE BORDER) assemble a first-rate critique of modern journalism, which, with uncommon evenhandedness, eloquently tackles issues regarding race, sensationalism, the educated elite, and the justice system. The performances are top-notch: Christopher Reeve as the wanna-be muckraker whose high-horse is a bit shorter than he'd like to believe;

Morgan Freeman as "Fast Black," the volatile pimp who'll affably share a Yoo-hoo with you one moment,

then smash it and jab its shards into your neck the next;

Erik King as Fast's quiet, brutal lieutenant (in a belly shirt and visor sunglasses); Andre Gregory as Reeve's douchey, elitist publisher ("Your moral courage sells magazines!" is his patronizing reassurance); Kathy Baker as a likable, defiant hooker (in a nuanced and astonishingly realistic performance);

Jay Patterson as a determined District Attorney; and a macabre bit part by Rick Aviles as Solo, the pimp ("I'm the only man you're gonna need...Don't lie to Solo."). There are all sorts of wonderfully orchestrated awkward moments, both in terms of comedy (Reeve's worlds collide when Fast attends a high-society soiree) and suspense (Reeve trapped in a car beside Fast as he threatens to slice up one of his ladies),

and the denouement (involving a descent into manipulation and 'Gotcha!' journalism) does not disappoint. Four stars. To the Go-Go boys, I say: Fine work.


-Sean Gill