Film Review: NOWHERE TO HIDE (1987, Mario Azzopardi)

Stars: 4.1 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Amy Madigan, Michael Ironside, Maury Chaykin (TWINS, THE ADJUSTER), Garrick Hagon (Biggs in STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE), Daniel Hugh Kelly (CUJO, MACSHAYNE: THE FINAL ROLL OF THE DICE). Co-produced by Julie Corman (Roger's wife).
Tag-line: "Amy Madigan. Wife...mother...Ex-marine...caught in a conspiracy that's exploded her word. They left her no choice. She's giving them... NOWHERE TO HIDE." I love that the tag-line makes it sound as if Amy Madigan plays herself in this movie...and maybe she does.
Best one-liner: "What's wrong with your boy?"

NOWHERE TO HIDE is a classic 80’s military conspiracy flick (along with ABOVE THE LAW, DEFENSE OF THE REALM, THE FOURTH PROTOCOL and the best of them, FLASHPOINT). Special thanks to Ollie North for making this sort of thing fashionable. Our heroine is Amy Madigan. Madigan is notably Ed Harris' wife, and allow me to say that you don't get to be Ed Harris' wife by knittin' sweaters- the lady is intense. She's also a damned fine actor, playing scenes of hysterical personal trauma and over-the-top badassery with equal levels of truthfulness and commitment.

Madigan wields a welding torch.


There is truly nowhere for Madigan to hide in that sweater.

Anyway, Madigan's military husband is assassinated by the feds (with one thug played by the omnipresent Maury Chaykin) after he discovers they've been skimping on helicopter safety costs. The body count rises, the cover-up spirals out of control, and there's a chase scene through a cemetery that gets a few extra points for having a car brutally ram a coffin, mid-funeral.

In DEATH RACE 2000, this would totally get you, like, a million points.

Anyway, with nowhere else to turn, Madigan enlists the help of hardass mountain man Michael Ironside.

Ironside plays the kind of guy who'll toss two bloody rabbit corpses at a kid, and then ask "What's wrong with your boy?" when the kid starts sniveling.

sniffle, sniffle


"What's wrong with your boy?"

But Ironside gets a chance to play a father figure, too, which clearly makes me very happy. As a form of catharsis, Ironside makes the kid wash rabbits’ blood from his hands- “I’ve seen this before, he’ll be okay.”



After just a few, brief Ironside parenting sessions, this kid will assuredly not become a pansy.

Far be it from me to question the parenting techniques of an Ironside character, but there ya go- the man gets results.

Surrogate pappy Ironside delivers a hearty hug as his terrifying dog looks on.

Later, evil commandos lay siege to the cabin in the film’s best sequence, and we got Ironside taking guys out with a bow & arrow– life is good.

Did I say "life is good?" I meant, "Life is GREAT."

We even get an extended canine low blow when one of Ironside’s dogs chomps a henchman’s genitals.

As part of a continuing series, Junta Juleil endeavors to provide you with the best and most brutal low-blow coverage possible.

Ironside is even killing dudes with his bare hands after getting shot and stabbed like 47 times.

Bravo. The ending is pretty damn convenient, but any implausibilities (Madigan flying a helicopter like a pro) are negated by the fact that the main villain’s car flies off of an incredible precipice, and THEN gets blown-up, mid-descent, by one of Madigan’s perfectly placed rockets.

!

!!!

To quote Yello, “Ohhhhh yehh-yuh.” [Chickah-chickah]

-Sean Gill

Film Review: SEVEN DAYS IN MAY (1964, John Frankenheimer)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Rod Serling, Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas, Ava Gardner, Fredric March (THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE), Martin Balsam (PSYCHO, TWO EVIL EYES), Edmond O' Brien (Oscar-nominated here, THE WILD BUNCH, THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE).
Tag-lines: "I'm suggesting Mr President, there's a military plot to take over the Government of these United States, next Sunday..."
Best line: "He's not the enemy. Scott, the Joint Chiefs, even the very emotional, very illogical lunatic fringe: they're not the enemy. The enemy's an age - a nuclear age. It happens to have killed man's faith in his ability to influence what happens to him. And out of this comes a sickness, and out of sickness a frustration, a feeling of impotence, helplessness, weakness. And from this, this desperation, we look for a champion in red, white, and blue. Every now and then a man on a white horse rides by, and we appoint him to be our personal god for the duration. For some men it was a Senator McCarthy, for others it was a General Walker, and now it's a General Scott. "

God damn, do I miss Rod Serling. His work at once effortlessly managed to tackle complex political subject matter whilst never appearing overly preachy or hitting you over the head with his generally grim assessments of the human condition. Serling's writing possessed a certain fluidity, mystery, and intellect that almost couldn't exist today; for it struck that near-impossible balance between universal accessibility and a refusal to pander to the masses.

Serling's obviously not the only creative force behind this film (along with director John Frankenheimer and original novelists, Charles Bailey and Fletcher Knebel), but his screenplay definitely sets the tone for the subject matter, which, given the events of November 22, 1963, could be just at home in reality as in the Twilight Zone. And given those then-current events, SEVEN DAYS IN MAY is jaw-droppingly, courageously bold; audacious for any time period, much less in the year after Kennedy's assassination.

Now, John Frankenheimer at his best (SECONDS, THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE) can easily match Hitchcock for pure foreboding and dread-inducing quoditian suspense, and with the narrative involving the slow unraveling of a hostile takeover of the U.S. government by the military elite, Frankenheimer has plenty of chances to shine. The acting is not only top-notch, it has a tremendous amount of class.

Burt Lancaster was a true razor-edged powerhouse, and to see a sharp battle of wits, politics, and logic between him, Kirk Douglas, Fredric March, Edmond O'Brien, and Ava Gardner shows off the classic Hollywood machine at the height of its powers. This film is beyond excellent; subversive, compelling, entertaining, artful, and a complete masterpiece, and without a doubt, the major template for every political thriller that followed in its wake.

-Sean Gill