I WAS A TEENAGE SHE-DEVIL at Edinburgh Fringe

To anyone in Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival this year, I must wholeheartedly recommend I WAS A TEENAGE SHE-DEVIL (from writer-composer Sean Matthew Whiteford and director Rachel Klein), a horror-comedy-rock musical and true love letter to the VHS era. A Faustian romp, chock full of demonic hair metal, dances to the death, teenagers making bad decisions, and extremely catchy tunes... it's giving PROM NIGHT 2, CARRIE, BLACK ROSES, and NIGHT OF THE DEMONS, just one of the tightest, leanest, meanest pieces I've seen in a while. This spooktacular fugue of '80s excess opens tonight (August 3rd) and runs through August 22, nightly at 10:30p at theSpaceUK @ Niddry Street – Upper Theatre. Tickets here!

Only now does it occur to me... THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD (1975)

Only now does it occur to me... first off, that there even was an Earth, Wind, & Fire movie. Nice! Secondly, only now does it occur to me... that the Earth, Wind, & Fire movie stars... Harvey Keitel.

 

Er...what?

That's right: THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD has about fifteen minutes of screen-time for EW&F––the audience's key draw to this film in the first place.

Keitel, who plays "Buckmaster" the record exec (this is mumbled on many occasions and definitely sounds more like the BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD-esque "Buttmuncher"), butts heads with his superiors as he tries to bring Earth, Wind, and Fire mainstream success (in the film, they are referred to as "The Group"). I get that the film's "project" is to realistically show the white stranglehold on the music industry, but so much of the film is just boring dudes chatting in stuffy offices and cocktail parties. EW&F gets, essentially, two concert setpieces––one at a roller disco,

and an arena show meant as the grand finale. The latter, however, is mostly just Keitel bobbing his head awkwardly while he watches EW&F play.

Imagine if CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC was just Steve Guttenberg and no Village People. If A HARD DAY'S NIGHT was entirely Paul's creepy grandfather with a couple Beatles songs. I guess that's the way of the world, or something. As the saying goes:

"Where were you when the stardust hit the fan?"

Only now does it occur to me... EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY (1988)

Only now does it occur to me...  okay, bear with me here. As you may know, I derive great joy from analyzing/grasping at harebrained pop cultural narratives, rivalries, curiosities, and other ephemera. Today we'll be looking at "The Ground You Walk On" sequence from the classic 80's Sci-Fi/Comedy/Musical, EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.

This song is of the classic "scorned lover" variety, as Geena Davis realizes that her doctor fiancé (Charles Rocket) has been cheating on her and proceeds to sing about it while she cartoonishly destroys his stuff. There's a lot of archetypal 1980s tasting notes here on display, from the "80s rule of pools" (if there is a pool present, a character will be pushed into it, flailing, in a zany comic moment)

 to a Pin Art executive toy being used to reenact "The Scream"

to the yuppie tableaux of using a golf club to smash a cologne shelf 

 

 and using a bowling ball (and a ramp made of skis––not a ski ramp!) to destroy a vintage PC.

But I'm digressing. None of this is why we are here. We're here for... Madonna.

First, I must note that EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY is co-written and co-starring "West Coast" Julie Brown, comedian, actress, and MTV personality. Madonna has always been one of Brown's favorite targets, culminating finally in the hour-long MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL (1991), a vicious send-up of MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE (1991). This prompted a bitter Madonna to send Ms. Brown the vaguely head-scratching Spite Gift of a half-drunk bottle of champagne (sensationally characterized by some as Madonna "sending her own spit in a champagne bottle"). This, however, being 1988, predates that bitter little tête-à-tête. 

Anyway, in the aforementioned Geena Davis "scorned lover" song, Geena also destroys the record collection of her betrothed. This happens to include the soundtrack album to WHO'S THAT GIRL––the weird, 1987 screwball Madonna flop––the cover of which is emblazoned with Madonna's image. 

The film then takes a moment––a real, lived-in moment––to allow Geena Davis to luxuriate on a couch and hurl Madonna into a fire.

I'm no stranger to some gentle Madonna Mockery (see also: my reviews of BODY OF EVIDENCE and WHO'S THAT GIRL), and I think Geena flinging this particular record into the flames is pretty objectively magnificent. But was there any fallout from this incident? Would it still be on Madonna's mind four years later when she co-starred with Geena Davis in A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN?

It would be difficult to know the answer to that question unless we had a window of insight into Madonna's mind, which would be fairly difficult to gauge, considering her levels of image control––but then... there's this, a letter from Madonna to the fashion photographer Steven Meisel, written during principal photography for A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. In short, she says:

"I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up. Penny Marshall is Lavern — Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago. I have made a few friends but they are athletes, not actresses. I hate actresses."

Now, did Madonna choose to insult Geena Davis in this generally off-target way (apparently we all missed out on 'BEETLEJUICE' Barbie) because she was still sore about Geena flinging the WHO'S THAT GIRL soundtrack into a fiery hearth, even though said flinging was, I would wager, explicity written into Julie Brown's script? Ah, who can say. For her part, Geena seems to harbor no ill feelings in interviews, referring to Madonna as a "trouper." 

Perhaps a fitting benediction to all of this nonsense would be my favorite quote from a zebra-printed teenage tailgater in HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT: "Heavy metal rules, man!... Madonna can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. She's a dick!"

Only now does it occur to me... GREASE 2 (1982)

Only now does it occur to me... that in an alternate universe where GREASE 1 commands no "classic" status nor cultural cachet, and audiences were forced to evaluate the GREASE films on their own artistic merits, I have little doubt that a consensus would emerge that GREASE 2 is the stronger film. Go ahead: come at me, GREASE-lovers, I dare you.

I've discussed GREASE before––specifically the presence of Lorenzo Lamas therein––and had expected GREASE 2 to live up to its reputation as one of the most incompetent, laughable, best-worst movies the '80s had to offer. Instead, I was entreated to a stylized, explosive spectacle helmed by Patricia Birch (choreographer and director of Cyndi Lauper music videos) which at times feels ghost-directed by HAIRSPRAY-era John Waters.

(She has Tab Hunter teaching sex ed and drawing a uterus on a chalkboard, for godssakes!)

 

  

(Also note young Christopher McDonald on the right)

There is a parade of vivid and well-blocked tableaux which run the gamut from vintage Broadway to Busby Berkeley to Elvis to Doris Day to Ken Russell to post-apocalyptic American International biker flicks:

It has those Howard Hawksian arrangements where twenty-five people are facing the same direction in a scene, and it works:

a darkly satirical sequence ("Let's Do It For Our Country") where a character attempts to cajole his girlfriend into bunker sex by faking a nuclear attack––an idea later lifted by Joe Dante for MATINEE:

and the bizarre "Girl For All Seasons" number where Michelle Pfeiffer's Christmas Tree/December

jockeys for attention with all the other months, like January (a big-ass martini glass) and February (a grotesque George Washington quarter and a bicorne admiral's hat, for President's Day).

And despite being set in the early '60s, you'd better believe it adheres to the '80s Rule of Pools: 

 

(I've written about this many times before, but basically the rule is that if A., a swimming pool exists, then B., someone fully clothed must enter it against their will, arms flailing.)

In any event, GREASE 2 is no masterpiece, but neither is it worthy of ridicule––I say it knows exactly what it's doing, and it does it with archness and aplomb.

Only now does it occur to me... EVERGREEN (1934)

Only now does it occur to me... that in the midst of an otherwise traditional 1930s musical (the British classic, EVERGREEN), we'd take a hard left turn into a World War I flashback fantasy

 
that's an extended homage to German expressionist auteur Fritz Lang––particularly his masterpiece METROPOLIS (1927)––




which feeds us this majestic sci-fi imagery for about two minutes, including one amazing tableau (women forged into bullets)


that may have even inspired the H.R. Giger piece, "Birth Machine" (1967).

For reference, the rest of the movie takes place pretty much on stage/backstage at realistically depicted British music halls from the 1930s.

The World to Come!

I'm proud to announce a new project on which I served in the minor but inspirational role as "kitsch consultant." It's called THE WORLD TO COME, and it's an epic, episodic post-apocalyptic musical podcast series which imagines a post-internet, post-literate society having returned completely to the oral traditions, and where age-old genre fandom has achieved the urgency of religion. Different factions include the Hepburners of Whiteway (old Hollywood), the Fansci Folk of Queensrealm (Sci-Fi and Fantasy), The Criterione Collective of Soderburg (art film), the Snookis of the Real Isle of Staten (reality TV), and Los Escandalistas of Boogietown (telenovelas), among others. Written by Erik Ransom, composed and orchestrated by Andy Peterson, and directed and showrun by Rachel Klein, it's been the COVID-19 project of dozens of New York theater professionals who refused to sit idly by and wait for their industry to recover, and you can learn more about their process through this interview with the writer.

There are four episodes already available for download (of what will be season one's twelve total), and I cannot recommend it enough: it's addictive, hilarious, and sophisticated, full of grand world-building and packed with easter eggs, and it's a must-listen for anyone who ever loved anything from STAR TREK to MY DINNER WITH ANDRE to ROCKY IV. You can listen or download for free, wherever podcasts are available, or by following this link.

Film Review: CRYSTAL HEART (1986, Gil Bettman)

Crystal Hearts: At least one, I guess.

Running Time: 103 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Tawny Kitaen (THE PERILS OF GWENDOLINE IN THE LAND OF THE YIK-YAK, WITCHBOARD), Lee Curreri ("Bruno" from FAME the movie, "Bruno" from FAME the TV series), Lloyd Bochner (POINT BLANK, THE MAN IN THE GLASS BOOTH), May Heatherly (Juan Piquer Simón's PIECES, GOYA'S GHOSTS), Simón Andreu (DIE ANOTHER DAY, THE BLOOD-SPATTERED BRIDE). Music by Joel Goldsmith, Jerry Goldsmith's son.

Tag-line: "A girl who has a dream. A boy who needs a miracle. The music brought them together."

Best one-liner: "I'll never be the icing on your cake!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"Listen up, boyo, I have for you the perfect quarantine movie."
–"A bold claim. Weren't you doing a Tawny Kitaen retrospective, or something?"
"Indeed I am."
–"So what are we looking at here?"
"In a broad sense, let's call it THE BOY IN THE BUBBLE meets LOVE STORY meets, I don't know, a Whitesnake music video?"
–"Ookay."
"It's called CRYSTAL HEART and it really lives up to the hype. As in, 'because no one's seen it, there is no hype.'"
–"Gotcha."
"So meet the 'rich boy' in a bubble, Christopher Newley (played by Lee Curreri, best known as 'Bruno' the keyboardist in FAME). Due to an immune system deficiency, which isn't really explained particularly well, he is confined to a glass-walled, pressurized chamber.

His bubble-chamber takes up the entire basement level of his Beverly Hills mansion, and his parents make sure he has every amenity. He has a live-in nurse who indulges him, full-time. When the futuristic dumbwaiter that delivers his food opens up, it has the same sound effect as the doors in STAR TREK: THE ORIGINAL SERIES. He lacks for nothing... save sweet, sweet freedom."
–"And Tawny Kitaen?"
"Hey, we're not there yet. Tawny plays the pop star 'Alley Daniels.' Imagine a woman in the Cyndi Lauper/Madonna/Debbie Gibson wheelhouse. Also, a huge fan of the 'statement bow.'"

–"Just like in WITCHBOARD!"
 "Yeah, I'm not sure if Tawny Kitaen is a big fan of statement bows, or if she just happened to play a lot of characters who were big fans of statement bows. Anyway, Tawny/Alley has a popular music video where she tells her backup dancers she'll never be the icing on their cake



and then she drags her fingers through the icing on their cakes and knocks the cakes out of their hands, because when she says 'I'll never be the icing on your cake,' by god, she means it."




–"Alright, you've got my attention."
"I have the whole video here, if you wanna see it. It's a real pip.

Anyway, so Christopher is obsessed with Tawny/Alley, and he 'summons' her. This isn't laid out particularly well by the screenplay; sometimes it's played as if they were pen pals, but in another scene Christopher seems to see her image on a TV and simply demand her presence. She has a Sonny Bono-lookin' boyfriend/manager who's kind of a jerk and almost immediately falls victim to the '80s Rule of Pools

which, as you should know by now, is 'if there is a pool or a giant sheet cake present, a character will be pushed into it, flailing, in a zany comic moment.'"

–"I know what the 80s rule of pools is. You make me watch a lot of dumb shit." 

"Just checking. We then see that pop star Tawny is also still doing a lot of commercial work. I guess this shows that despite her relative fame, she still has to hustle in this world."

–"Guess she could use a cash infusion from a certain boy in a bubble?"

"That's never said outright, but I suppose the idea of it lingers beneath the surface. Nonetheless, she never takes advantage of the bubble boy's affluence."

–"Tawny Kitaen shoulda jumped on the 80s workout video bandwagon."

"Well, she kinda did. Anyway, Tawny visits the boy in the bubble, and their chemistry is palpable, even though they're separated by a sheet of glass. Oh, did I say 'palpable?' I meant nonexistent."

–"What's going on there?"

"They're having a social distancing dance party. Again, it's unclear why Tawny is there in the first place. He's not charming, he's not sweet, he's not particularly eloquent. His primary mode is 'petulance.' Kind of an incel vibe. Tawny seems to have no interest in using his fortune, nor piggybacking onto some good 'human interest' PR. I guess she's there, flirting with him, because the screenplay says she is."

–"What do we know about Tawny's character, other than the fact that she's on TV and looks like Tawny Kitaen?"

"Not much. We know she drinks a lot of milk, though. It's kind of her primary character trait.

Drinks so much milk. Right out of a wine glass. That's classy, right there. When she meets the boy in the bubble's mother, the first thing she does is ask for some milk.

Mom––played by May Heatherly, who looks about the same age as her 'son,' and who has a memorable role in the Spanish slasher PIECES––is not a big fan of Tawny crashing her Oedipal slumber/bubble party and spills Tawny's milk."

–"That's a power move."
 "I know. Shortly thereafter, Tawny and the bubble boy have their first fight. He dives straight into his bed like a peevish toddler."


–"Attractive. Wait, are they a couple, now?"
"CRYSTAL HEART adheres to what I call 'the Ms. Pac-Man School of Romance.' That means, though the bulk of the story is just characters eating pellets (or drinking milk, in this case), when it's time to advance the romance, we are informed of the escalation in the most basic terms possible. Act 1: They Meet. Act 2: The Chase. Then it's back to the pellets."
–"That's right! I used to play MS. PAC-MAN when I was a kid. Wait, what was Act 3 in MS. PAC-MAN?"
"Act 3 was 'Junior.'"
–"They had sex in MS. PAC-MAN?"
"Yup. And they have sex in CRYSTAL HEART, too."
–"What? How?"
"Set to the strains of some poor man's Tangerine Dream/RISKY BUSINESS music, they kiss right up on that glass. Right up on it.

Then they strip and just start mashing up against that glass. It's one of the most gloriously comic love scenes ever put to film, and it's about as erotic as Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man colliding against one another as they evade ghosts and try to eat bonus cherries."

–"Are you serious?"

"This is as serious as I get. Picture it, though: just below the frame, there are balls painfully slapping against a cold pane of glass."

–"Pardon me, but this is too much."

"Too much? How about when he goes down on the pane of glass

and Tawny must arch her head back as if orgasming. Gotta give out major props to the Foley artist doing the squeegee work."

–"This is madness. There's probably more eroticism in the SEINFELD episode 'The Bubble Boy.'"

"Yeah, and Tawny's no stranger to SEINFELD. Anyway, it's a lot for our bubble boy to take. So he breaks out."



–"Won't that kill him?"
"Well, if it didn't, that would mean that he was unnecessarily confined to a glass chamber for over twenty years."
–"He probably should have consulted a doctor first."
"The movie doesn't think so. They play it like a full CHARIOTS OF FIRE triumphal moment. Even his nurse, who knows the outside world will kill him, whispers a good luck benediction as he runs beyond the shrubbery boundaries of his property like a lunatic escaping the asylum.

It'd be like a doctor giving you a passionate thumbs-up as you lick the pole on a COVID-19-infected subway car."

–"So what does he do?"

"First things first: he rolls around on somebody else's lawn.

 

He plays with the dirt in said lawn.

Then he almost immediately kisses somebody's strange dog. Doesn't waste time petting, goes straight for the kiss. It's his first kiss, too, cause that pane of glass nonsense with Tawny doesn't count."

–"Well at least he's not coming into contact with other humans. I read that dogs can't get COVID, at any rate, so there's that."

"Next thing: he hitchhikes with a man delivering newspapers."

–"Oh, shit! They're definitely closer than six feet."
"This is just the start of a whirlwind day which involves a trip to a boardwalk:

kissing and tumbling with more strange dogs:

non-glass barrier sex with Tawny:

and standing in the sweaty, crowded mosh pit at Tawny's concert.

Immediately thereafter––surprise, surprise: he's not feeling well."

–"Wow, feel like we're looking at the dark consequences of a little thing called 'cause and effect.'"

"The best part is the movie plays it like it it's an unavoidable tragedy. There's a dramaturgical reason why the writers gave Ali McGraw cancer in LOVE STORY and didn't just have her playing Russian roulette or recreationally injecting herself with Drano."

–"They thought this would be a tear-jerker?" 

"Hell yes they did. We have this drawn out hospital/deathbed scene that ought to have a neon sign over it saying 'BY THE WAY THIS WAS TOTALLY PREVENTABLE.' At the funeral, Mom acts like Tawny is the long lost daughter she never had.

If she hated Tawny's guts when her son was alive, why would she suddenly love her after her son  committed suicide for the sake of rolling around with her and some strange dogs for an afternoon?"
–"You're not suggesting that the bubble boy's death is Tawny's fault?"
"Oh, most definitely not. I place more blame at the feet of the health care worker who saw him escaping and cheered him on. Though, to be fair, as the live-in nurse to this whiny mofo, maybe she figured he had it coming. Anyway, the movie ends with Tawny doing a total 'Candle in the Wind' concert/vigil. I was struck with the thought that there should have been a big reveal after the end credits: that Tawny subtly manipulated and orchestrated the bubble boy's escape and death to make her pop star seem more sympathetic."
–"That sounds like a better movie. That's officially head-canon now for CRYSTAL HEART."
"I allow it."
–"So are we done with the Tawny Kitaen retrospective?"
"We sure aren't!"