Only now does it occur to me... BLADE: TRINITY (2004)

Only now does it occur to me... that while BLADE: TRINITY is primarily a vehicle for Ryan Reynolds to improvise proto-DEADPOOL one-liners

as Wesley Snipes offers stone-faced reactions (because he allegedly spent all of his time in his trailer and emerged only to shoot hasty reaction shots with stand-ins who were not spouting unscripted lines like "cock-juggling thundercunt");



and while it is likely the only time we will see Patton Oswalt play a 'Q'-style gadget-master;


and while it is far from the only time we will see James Remar standing around, looking bewildered, and waiting for his paycheck to clear;


and while it affords Natasha Lyonne the opportunity to issue an infodump of expository bullshit while looking stoned out of her mind;


it IS, however, the only time (thus far) you will see Parker Posey as a vampire archaeologist. A vampire archaeologist!




Diggin' up Dracula! I mean, that's objectively incredible.

Damn you, BLADE: TRINITY, for being so mediocre, and yet offering such a vision of what could have been. In this instance, "what could have been" is a movie exclusively starring Parker Posey as a vampire archaeologist. Kinda RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, but she's more afraid of garlic than snakes or whatever.

Later, she dons a white-collar power suit, and struts around like she's the lead in a vampire-themed DEVIL WEARS PRADA.

This, too, is a movie I would champion.

In fact, maybe the problem with most movies is that they don't star Parker Posey as the vampire version of some existing archetype. Imagine any movie you can and then add "Vampire Parker Posey" to the mix. Just try it.

A new version of CITIZEN KANE. Improved by Vampire Parker Posey. She adds a hint of the Gothic and some snobbish wit to the second act. She tells Charles Foster Kane to "Wipe that face off your head, bitch!"

A retelling of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. The monoliths were placed by Vampire Parker Posey so she could drink the blood of a few astronauts. Done.

SUNSET BOULEVARD. Remake it with Vampire Parker Posey as Vampire Norma Desmond. I would watch the hell out of that. So would you.

Anyway, I'm off to study some vampire archeology. Will wonders never cease?

Film Review: DROP ZONE (1994, John Badham)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 101 minutes.
Tag-line: "Something dangerous is in the air."
Notable Cast or Crew: Wesley Snipes (DEMOLITION MAN, BLADE), Gary Busey (SURVIVING THE GAME, LETHAL WEAPON), Yancy Butler (HARD TARGET, THE EX), Michael Jeter (THE FISHER KING, JURASSIC PARK III), Malcolm-Jamal Warner (THE COSBY SHOW, SONS OF ANARCHY), Grace Zabriskie (TWIN PEAKS, WILD AT HEART), Corin Nemec (TV's THE STAND, PARKER LEWIS CAN'T LOSE), Mickey Jones (TOTAL RECALL, EXTREME PREJUDICE), Kimberly Scott (THE ABYSS, BATMAN & ROBIN).  Music by Hans Zimmer (THE ROCK, BROKEN ARROW).  Directed by John Badham (SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, WARGAMES, THE HARD WAY, SHORT CIRCUIT, BLUE THUNDER).
Best One-liner:  "God bless America!" [said by a lunatic Gary Busey––it's all in the enunciation]

DROP ZONE tells the tale of a risk-taking lawman who infiltrates a gang of sky-diving adrenaline junkies and thieves in order to bring them to justice.  You may recognize this as the plot of 1991's POINT BREAK, also co-starring Gary Busey.  Don't hold that against it.  DROP ZONE is simply a mediocre 90s action movie trying to make it's way in the world, but like so many of its misfit and forgotten brethren, when it hits its stride, it really hits its stride.  Here are a dozen of DROP ZONE's such "stride-hitting" moments.

 #1.  Gary Busey as a Poindexter.

He's the head of a corrupt ex-DEA sky-diving ring who robs government buildings, hijacks planes, and the like.  For this particular criminal maneuvering, he has adopted the costume and persona of a "Poindexter"-style nerd (with undertones of Buddy Holly!), who even draws attention to himself, pre-hijack, by explaining to the flight attendants how he's afraid of flying.  Nicely done, Mr. Busey.

#2.  This particular measure of Busey-related violence leads to the death of Wesley Snipes' in-movie brother, Malcolm-Jamal Warner.

He's around for about five minutes, and has "dead man walking" written all over him; he might as well be the cop who's got two days till retirement.  His death is spectacular––it involves Busey blasting open the side of an airplane, whereupon the air pressure sucks Malcolm-Jamal to the precipice, and despite Wesley Snipes' best efforts to melodramatically cling to his hand, he is sucked into the void while Wesley shouts "NOOOOOOOOO!"  Then the film, having threatened to turn into PASSENGER 57, returns to Earth and...

 #3. Let's talk about Wesley Snipes as "Nessip."  The quest for Malcolm-Jamal-related vengeance leads Mr. Snipes to infiltrate the sky-diving circuit so he can personally hunt down Gary Busey.

Because his role is more of the straight man, square-jawed hero, this leads to an uncharacteristically understated performance.  Don't expect DEMOLITION MAN or NEW JACK CITY levels of flamboyance here––you can tell he's a little frustrated with his role.  Perhaps because of this, the character is named "Nessip," which is an anagram of "Snipes."  Did Wesley request this personally?  Did having his own scrambled name in the mix somehow placate his ego?

#4.  Gary Busey Teeth Domination.  The aforementioned hijacking took place so that Busey could kidnap a hacker (played by talented character actor Michael Jeter) held in federal custody.  To assert dominance, Busey bites off his finger with his ginormous teeth, an event which leads to the following, brilliant exchange:

#5.  Poor man's Linda Hamilton.  You may recognize Yancy Butler and her intense eyebrows from JCVD's HARD TARGET.

Here, she plays Snipes' sidekick, a daredevil with a heart of gold.  She skydives and looks sad a lot.

#6. Hey, look, it's Mickey Jones!  Real-life best friend of Michael Ironside, former drummer for Bob Dylan, and go-to "hick" supporting player,

Mickey Jones plays a member of (fellow Texan) Busey's gang, which only seems natural.

#7.  A rockin' Hans Zimmer soundtrack.  This is from the era when he really went "full-guitar" and accompanied his pounding action with mournful, Ry Cooder-style riffs.  See also: BROKEN ARROW.

#8.  Grace Zabriskie as a two-fisted, Floridian flygirl and parachute jockey.

When you're watching her here, the idea that she is also "Sarah Palmer" from TWIN PEAKS is veritably mind-blowing.  I swear, she can pull off anything she sets her mind to––truly, she's one of the greats.  Plus, we finally get to see her with Wesley Snipes as a scene partner.

And this is the second time they've worked together!  See also: THE WATERDANCE (1992).

#9.  Gary Busey parachuting in zebra-print pajama pants.

I feel confident in stating this is worth the price of admission.

#10.  MIAMI VICE.  About halfway through, when I realized it was not going to deviate from its Florida locale, I began to discover that this is really kind of a big-budget MIAMI VICE episode, but with no Crockett, and with Busey perfectly encapsulating a vivid, "criminal of the week" guest star.

That's fine by me.

#11. Gary Busey Teeth Domination, Volume 2.  Busey challenges Yancey Butler to a tooth domination competition.  

He wins, obviously.

#12.  Busey's death––a.k.a. Gary Busey Teeth Domination, Volume 3.  Technically, I wouldn't call this a spoiler, since in every action movie from the 1980s and 1990s in which he played a villain, Busey dies.  Here, Wesley Snipes flings him out of a skyscraper without a parachute, and he goes to meet his maker in typical Busey fashion, teeth bared.


He swan-dives directly into the windshield of a truck being driven by Mickey Jones, and explodes.

In his final moments, he attempted to tooth dominate Death Itself.  Who are we to say that he did not succeed?

––Sean Gill

Only now does it occur to me... DEMOLITION MAN

Continuing with the theme of Sandra Bullock-themed sci-fi–

I have weighed in on the glory that is DEMOLITION MAN before, but I must add this:

Only now does it occur to me... that this particular title card

so beautifully brought together the arthouse, the grindhouse, and the statehouse– and between Stallone's glistening pecs!  It's like when you have two separate circles of friends and suddenly, you see them...  hanging out without you.  It reminds me of this fantastic title card, which fused George A. Romero and Menahem Golan together forever– at least in celluloid form.  Anyway, carry on.

Film Review: DEMOLITION MAN (1993, Marco Brambilla)

Stars: 3.75 of 5.
Running Time: 115 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes, Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, Glenn Shadix (BEETLEJUICE, SLEEPWALKERS), Denis Leary (TRUE CRIME, RESCUE ME), Nigel Hawthorne (GANDHI, FIREFOX), Andre Gregory (MY DINNER WITH ANDRE, THE LINGUINI INCIDENT), Troy Evans (THE LAWNMOWER MAN, UNDER SIEGE, ER), Bob Gunton (THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, JFK). Bit parts by Jack Black and Jesse Ventura. Music by Elliot Goldenthal (HEAT, PUBLIC ENEMIES), cinematography by Alex Thomson (THE KEEP, LABYRINTH, EXECUTIVE DECISION), editing by Stuart Baird (director of EXECUTIVE DECISION, editor of SUPERMAN and LETHAL WEAPON), Directed by Marco Brambilla (DINOTOPIA, EXCESS BAGGAGE).
Tag-line: "In the year 2032, Simon Phoenix escapes from prison, on the verge of bringing crime to San Angeles. One man is called back to duty as a last resort. They call him... THE DEMOLITION MAN."
Best one-liner: "You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it!"

Picture this possibly fictitious scenario. It's Los Angeles in 1991. Sylvester Stallone broods in the flickering darkness of a movie theater screening TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY. Perhaps a single tear rolls down his cheek. Like Salieri, he knows that he can never adequately respond to this latest salvo in the Schwarzenegger/Stallone rivalry. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks that if he could just have his own 'man waking up naked in a time that is not his own to fight an epically demonic foe' movie, maybe he could show the world that Stallone is not going down without a fight.

Two years later, we have DEMOLITION MAN. It does not approach the heights of T2, but what we have here is a frivolous but quotable action flick from the screenwriter of HEATHERS. (And the commentary on the futuristic "utopia," even when it reaches cornball levels, is always entertaining.)

There's a lot going on here:

Wesley Snipes is about as psychotically entertaining as a villain can be, despite the fact that his wardrobe looks culled from the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE movie.

Does that belong to Bebop? Perhaps Rocksteady?

(Jesse Ventura even gets in on the action. In a henchman's role which apparently possesses greater depth in the novelization.)

Denis Leary as a shaggy resistance member:

Bob Gunton playing a character which can only be referred to as the 'poor man's Donald Pleasence':

Glenn Shadix (R.I.P.) with a shock of white hair, a kimono, and that patented smarmy attitude which won the hearts and minds of everyone from HEATHERS and BEETLEJUICE fans to Tennessee Williams himself (!).

Greenhorn actor Andre Gregory is afforded the enviable opportunity to share some screen-time with Wesley Snipes:

And we're entreated to many fantastic tableaux of Snipes firing lasers, machine guns, etc. and Stallone diving for cover with that profound- yet familiar- expression etched upon his rubbery face.

YAHHHH

And, as far as the weirdly prescient references go in Stallone vs. Schwarzenegger movies, there are some odd ones here: "Scott Peterson" appears as a name in the criminal database years before his infamy, and there is a reference to the "Arnold Schwarzenegger Presidential Library" and the 61st Amendment which made his presidency possible. An ominous portent of things to come? (Schwarzenegger himself seeks presently to overturn the constitutional clause that would prevent foreign-born nationals from becoming president...)

I'm unsure what more you could even hope to get out of DEMOLITION MAN. Nearly four stars.

-Sean Gill