Television Review: YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS (1991, Charles Jarrott)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Richard Thomas (STEPHEN KING'S IT '90, WONDER BOYS, THE WALTONS), Charles Bronson (DEATH WISH 3, Mandom spokesman), Ed Asner (THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, LOU GRANT, JFK), Colleen Winton (THE X-FILES, BIG EYES), Katharine Isabelle (FREDDY VS. JASON, GINGER SNAPS), Frank C. Turner (UNFORGIVEN, multiple AIR BUD movies, Bev Marsh's creepy dad in IT '90).
Tag-line: None.
Best one-liner: "Aw, Frank, even you were a kid once."
–"Yeah, heh, it took me a lot of years to get over it.
"Nobody ever gets over it."

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"At last, we're going to spend Christmas the right way."

–"What do you mean? We've had plenty of good Christmas fare over the years. French survival horror, Arnold Schwarzenegger-directed romantic comedies, Arnold Schwarzenegger cold cocking reindeer, Grace Jones accidentally mailed to Pee-Wee Herman in a box, Nakatomi Plaza holiday celebrations, Vincent Schiavelli commandeering a life-sized toy choo-choo train of kidnapping and child murder, Tim Curry's shit-eating grin, Bob Mitchum and John Glover as scene partners, a John Waters Christmas, Grizzly Adams taking on Nazi elves, and my personal favorite, Gary Sinise using Ben Affleck as a dartboard."

"Ah, I don't believe, however, that you said 'Charles Bronson' anywhere on that list."

–"If there was a good Charles Bronson Christmas movie, we would have seen it already, right?"

"Wrong. Er––half wrong. What we've got here is YES, VIRGINIA THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, a TV movie from 1991."

–"1991?! The same year as THE INDIAN RUNNER? Don't tell me you've brought me more 'stacheless Bronson!"

"No, no, there's Bronson 'stache here, no need to worry."

–"Is he playing with a baby rattle? What the hell is this movie about?"

"It's only about the most famous editorial in American newspaper history––Francis Pharcellus Church's 1897 reply to an eight-year-old girl named Virginia who asked if Santa Claus was real. Only he turned his response into a meditation on faith, fancy, romance, poetry, love, beauty, and childlike joy."

–Okay, I'm not sure where Charles Bronson is going to fit in here. Does he say 'Santa's good, I like Santa?' Does Santa try to steal his car? Does he shoot Santa?"

"No. Try and get into the Christmas spirit. He says, 'No Santa Claus?! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.'"

–"Ha ha ha, that's pretty good, but I think his numbers are a little off. If he manages to flee the North Pole in time, Santa'll be lucky if he gets a hundred, maybe two hundred years. But I guess they didn't know about climate change back then."

"Will you stop it? It's Christmas!"

–"I just don't see how they turn this into a movie. What you just described is a ten minute vignette, tops. Girl writes Bronson; Bronson writes girl. Girl's heart is warmed. The end."

"Well, they do pad it a little. She doesn't even write Bronson till forty-five minutes into a ninety minute movie."

–"As long as they pad it with nonstop Bronson action, I'm all good."

"Well..."

–"Okay. Why don't you tell me what they actually pad it with."

"So... Richard Thomas is Virginia's dad."

–"'John Boy,' from THE WALTONS? 'Stuttering Bill' from the original IT?"

"The very same. Anyway, he plays an Irish dockworker (with a spotty accent) who loses his job due to racism

Ethnically motivated fistfights at the docks! What every kid loves in a Christmas movie.

and, despite being completely broke, is trying to scrape together enough to buy presents for his five-member family on Christmas."

–"That looks like some Bob Cratchit-y bullshit, and I don't have any patience for that. Hey, maybe he should've scraped together enough to buy some condoms instead."

"Whoa, will you stop it!"

–"Maybe the movie should be about Virginia? Isn't she in the one in the title?"

"Nah, it's a man's world, bub. Obviously this movie wasn't geared toward kids, or else the main characters probably wouldn't be cigar-chomping dudes who are about four hundred years old."

–"Is that Ed Asner?"

"Yep. And he's basically playing the exact character he played on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, and later, LOU GRANT: he's a gruff, hard-boiled, bossy newspaperman with a corner office and an (eventual) heart of gold."

–"Nice. So tell me about Bronson."

"As a semi-fictionalized version of the historical Francis Church, he's an alcoholic writer who used to be great, a muck-raking journalist who brought the fight to the robber barons. Asner tolerates him because, even completely soused, his pages are better than most of the other reporters. There are skeptics, however: there's a subplot where some pud named Cornelius (John Novak) busts his balls every time he's at the bar.

Obviously, this leads to a solid payoff where Bronson punches him in the face.

And I'm not gonna lie to you: this is where the movie peaks. Most everybody is trying their best––Bronson and Asner included––but I'm not sure how 'directed' they were. But I can't be too hard on it: it's a TV movie from 1991."

–"Wait, why is Bronson's character such a drunk?"

"Prepare yourself: here's the one truly affecting part of the movie. Francis Church is a mess because his wife recently died. Just like Charles Bronson's real-life wife, Jill Ireland, who succumbed to cancer a year before they filmed this. All of the graveyard scenes––in stark contrast with 95% of the movie––have a genuine poignancy."

–"Man, that's heavy. So how does drunken Francis turn it all around and become an inspirational figure?"

"This is where the teleplay writers get lazy. They have him get the assignment and then he walks around town. He, uh, sees some Christmas-y things on his walk and decides to, uh, throw the bottle away and write his historic editorial."

–"He must've seen some serious shit, then, huh?"

"He saw a toy drive..."

–"Uh huh..."

"And then he saw a cop about to beat a homeless man who looked like Santa..."

–"Uh huh..."

"And then Bronson looked concerned..."

–"Uh huh..."

"And then the cop didn't actually beat the homeless man."

–"Uh huh..."

"And that's about it."

–"Uh huh."

"Hey man, this ain't ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN, nor is it supposed to be. In the end, Virginia's editorial is answered, 

 

Richard Thomas gets a job as a cop, and a bunch of other people get jobs as cops, too, including his stock Italian immigrant pal who I forgot to mention.

 Basically, everybody becomes a cop."

–"So...are they gonna hunt Paul Kersey, New York vigilante?"

"Stop trying to bring DEATH WISH into this. It's a sweet holiday movie, where John Boy says things like 'what a bright goose of a boy.'"

–"Now that is some of that Bob Cratchit-y bullshit I was talking about."

"Don't be such a bastard. Can't you derive any pleasure in the fact that Bronson was in a 'Christmas movie period piece?'"

 –"Eh, I guess."

"Oh yeah, one last thing: so Virginia––who never interacts with Bronson 'in-scene,' and is a supporting character in her own story––is played by Katharine Isabelle, who went on to become a minor horror icon. She's a lead in multiple GINGER SNAPS movies, and appears in THE X-FILES, FREDDY VS. JASON, GOOSEBUMPS, THE RAY BRADBURY THEATER, a 30 DAYS OF NIGHT sequel, and Bryan Fuller's HANNIBAL. Here she is interacting with a produce vendor, played by fellow minor horror icon Frank C. Turner (NEEDFUL THINGS, THE FLY II, ALONE IN THE DARK, THE HITCHHIKER, WATCHERS, THE X-FILES, the new TWILIGHT ZONE, and, most notably, as Bev's creepy dad in the original IT)!"

–"Uh. Cool."

Only now does it occur to me... THE FLY II

Only now does it occur to me...  that Eric Stolz may have been fired as Marty McFly, but eventually he did get to be "Martin the Fly."  It seems too weirdly specific to be mere coincidence.

By the sound of it, THE FLY II doesn't seem as if it would be a "good movie," and subsequently I'd avoided it for years, assuming the worst.  Now I'm prepared to say, without reservation, that THE FLY II is dad-blammed fantastic and one of the great sci-fi films of the 1980s.

The directorial debut of Chris Walas (one of the FX masters of 80s creature features– from GREMLINS to THE FLY to ENEMY MINE to ARACHNOPHOBIA to NAKED LUNCH), THE FLY II has a tremendous eye for visual detail and some of the finest practical effects I've ever seen.

We have spectacular makeup á la THE FLY and ENEMY MINE,

viscous ALIEN/THE THING-esque cocoon props,
 
 mind-blowing gore that nearly puts Tom Savini to shame,

and a titular creature whom history may well remember as one of the last great movie monsters before our fun was ruined by CGI.

 BZZZ

And since this isn't a full review, I'll share a few random observations:

#1.  There's a nice Cronenberg shoutout when a random Bartok security guard happens to be reading THE SHAPE OF RAGE, the first major scholarly study of the Cronenberg canon.
 

 #2.  An amusingly acerbic cameo appearance by John Getz ("Stathis," the quasi-villain and Goldblum rival from THE FLY 1).

He's the only FLY 1 cast member to officially return, though we do see Goldblum in some archival footage, a few clips of which were deleted scenes from the prior film.

#3.  A sensitive, pathos-filled lead performance from Eric Stoltz, who probably scored the gig based on his ability to deliver even when covered in makeup (MASK), but who in every sense transcends what you'd expect from a sequel to a remake of a sci-fi B-movie.

#4.  Also, it occurs to me that this may be the greatest accomplishment of Mick Garris, who wrote the story and co-authored the screenplay (with Frank Darabont, Jim Wheat, and Ken Wheat).  Though storywise it's closer to, say, a Spielberg flick rather than a Cronenberg one, it's a helluva lot of fun.  I've been ragging on Mr. Garris a lot lately (i.e., for DESPERATION and QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY), but hey– he brought us the finest CRITTERS sequel and the greatest (and only) sequel to Cronenberg's version of THE FLY.  Thanks, Mick!

–Sean Gill

Television Review: THE HITCHHIKER– 'The Legendary Billy B.' (1987, Chris Thomson)

Stars: 3.3 of 5. Running Time: 29 minutes. Season: 4, Episode 7. Notable Cast or Crew: Kirstie Alley (CHEERS), Brad Dourif (ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEXT, THE EXORCIST III, CRITTERS 4, THE TWO TOWERS, etc., etc.), John Bear Curtis (THE 13TH WARRIOR, THE NEVERENDING STORY III), Andy Summers (guitarist for The Police). Written by L. M. Kit Carson (THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2, co-writer on PARIS, TEXAS; star of DAVID HOLZMAN'S DIARY, former spouse of Karen Black). Best one-liner: "Darlin', the next time you enter into someone's life make sure there's an exit." THE HITCHHIKER was yet another 80's Horror anthology series, in the same vein as THE NEW TWILIGHT ZONE, TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, et al. It ran from 1983-1991, first appearing on HBO, and later on USA, so it prefigured the boundary-pushing (sex, language, violence) qualities of later series like TALES FROM THE CRYPT. While it was by no means the best or even second-best show of its kind, it did have its share of quality episodes. Most notable, however, are the sheer quantity of my all-time favorite actors to appear in episodes: people like Michael Ironside, Brad Dourif, Gary Busey, James Remar, John Glover, Willem Dafoe, Klaus Kinski, Bruce Greenwood, Geraldine Page, Elliott Gould, Michael Madsen, Franco Nero, Louise Fletcher, Joe Dallesandro, Bill Paxton, Fred Ward– holy shit! Those guest stars are likely only rivaled by the original TWILIGHT ZONE! But one thing becomes apparent, real fast– "The Hitchhiker" (our narrator) is NO Rod Serling. (In the bulk of the episodes, including this one, the Hitchhiker is played by Page Fletcher– the original Hitchhiker was Nicholas Campbell.)

As each episode begins, the main theme sounds eerily similar to the introductory strains of "Yah Mo B There," which is pretty damned terrifying in and of itself. The Hitchhiker wanders in, thumbin' for a ride, and returns from time to time to share his knuckleheaded observations about the events which have transpired. I'll get to his well-feathered inanities in a minute- but I will be reviewing a few of these in the coming weeks, generally not because of the quality of the show, but because of the quality of guest star. And I'll begin with one of the greats– Brad Dourif. THE LEGENDARY BILLY B. is slightly weirder than your average HITCHHIKER episode. Written by Bizarro-Americana maestro L.M. Kit Carson, it's somehow the exact median point between THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (which he wrote) and VELVET GOLDMINE. The plot: rag-mag reporter (Kirstie Alley) and her faithful Brit photographer (Andy Summers of The Police) hunt down the legendary Billy B., some kind of down-home combo of Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison who was infamously gunned down during a performance. They discover that he may have faked his own death and could be presently living in a creepy (CHAINSAW MASSACRE-esque?) house in the middle of nowhere. And Brad Dourif, whose character bears more than a passing resemblance to the notorious 'Chop-Top' from TCM 2, just might be the Legendary Billy B. Wow, wow, and wow. There's a lot going on here. And I seriously think this may have been an inspiration for VELVET GOLDMINE. (Along with CITIZEN KANE, of course.) As these shows are wont to do, one of the characters is generally ripe and quite deserving of some ridiculous existential punishment. Here, it's Kirstie Alley as the 'journalist' who needs needs needs to get the scoop. Everywhere she goes, she leaves behind a trail of smoldering craters where folks' lives used to be. She's always sounding off with the most preposterous remarks imaginable: "I'd fuck the devil sideways to get a front page by-line. Anybody would. ...And a lot of people do!" or, after catching a famous actor engaged in incest– "There's only two things this world needs more of– funny sex and wacky smut– and this has both!" In the Hitchhiker's introductory statement, he eloquently pontificates– "For Jane L., famous person plus big scandal equals big headlines." Simply poetry, Mr. Hitchhiker. Now go back to Rutger Hauer's finishing school for wayward boys, because you have a lot to learn. Anyway, Kirstie Alley's "Jane L." is probably the most cartoonishly despicable media hound on the planet. When she finds out a woman has committed suicide because of her story, she screeches in anger– she's missed her chance for an interview with the deceased. Anyway, the chain-smoking Jane L. (clad in a fur coat) coaxes her photog to take her to the rumored location of the legendary Billy B. They do, in fact, find him- and Dourif brings a hell of a lot to the role. He's taking that whole Summer of Love thing a bit too far, and he exudes a kind of quiet forboding. "Don't it make you shiver just to hear my music?" His drawlin' hippie is trembling and teary-eyed. The mere word "intense" does Dourif a disservice. "You wanna know the taste of fame– it's like chewin'... all the time!" The ultimate payoff is fairly predictable if you've ever seen an episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, but things get pretty damned weird along the way– John Bear Curtis puts Andy Summers in a headlock and shouts "I CAN'T HEAR YOU, INSECT MAN!" which somehow makes even less sense in context, Brad Dourif gets his Chop Top moment, and it all ends with that old sage- the Hitchhiker himself- returning to offer the benediction: "She traded their privacy to join the ranks for celebrity... forever." Your poignancy moves me, Hitchhiker. -Sean Gill