Only now does it occur to me... CHASERS (1994)

Only now does it occur to me... that Dennis Hopper slides a nice little homage to his friend and collaborator David Lynch in his "THE LAST DETAIL-reimagined-as-a-90s-comedy" road movie, CHASERS. The homage in question is an extended shot of a logging truck, just like in TWIN PEAKS.

That's not all: this thing is packed with Lynch collaborators, including BLUE VELVET and DUNE's Dean Stockwell as a car dealership owner:

"Here's to your fuck, Frank!"

WILD AT HEART's Crispin Glover as a put-upon sailor who's been pushed around for too long:

"I'm making my lunch!"

and LOST HIGHWAY's Gary Busey as a marine who clearly is improvising all of his dialogue:



Hopper himself appears as a lingerie salesman with a fake-Karl Malden nose, for some reason:


"Heineken? Fuck that shit!"

Anyway, what we have here is an episodic, charmingly rambling, critically maligned road movie that is better than I expected it to be. Tom Berenger, doing kind of a whisky-ravaged Tom Waits/BEETLEJUICE voice is a hardboiled career member of Shore Patrol, transporting Navy prisoners across the country.

William McNamara (a likable man-génue who deserved a better career––you may have seen him in SURVIVING THE GAME, DREAM A LITTLE DREAM, EXTREME JUSTICE, or Argento's OPERA) plays a young sailor on his last day before discharge. 

 

He's enlisted to help Berenger out with a prisoner transport––though due to a clerical mix-up, the prisoner is unexpectedly a woman.

Played by Erica Eleniak (former BAYWATCH cast member, UNDER SIEGE cake-jumper, and co-star of BETRAYAL and BORDELLO OF BLOOD), she actually brings pathos and humor to a role that could have easily been a caricature. As the unlikely trio crosses the country and bonds with one another (again, THE LAST DETAIL is the point of origin/departure), we meet the whole host of character actors I have already detailed, as well as zany waitress Marilu Henner (TAXI, PERFECT):

and creepy-ass trucker Frederic Forrest (APOCALYPSE NOW, FALLING DOWN):

Born to play a creepy trucker

In the end, CHASERS was Dennis Hopper's final feature as a director, and it's a weird, pleasant relic of the "EASY RIDERS, RAGING BULLS" era, worth a look for character actor and Americana aficionados. I can probably sum it up best in guessing that Wim Wenders probably loves the shit out of this movie.

Only now does it occur to me... BETRAYAL (a.k.a. LADY JAYNE: KILLER) (2003)

To begin "Lesser Lester" week:

Only now does it occur to me... that although it ended as hilariously and disastrously as a television series possibly can, and though it peaked near its halfway mark thanks to brilliant performances by Jimmy Smits and John Lithgow... in the end, I'm glad that DEXTER happened... even if only for the reason that it saved James Remar from being buried in movies like BETRAYAL (a.k.a. LADY JAYNE: KILLER).

James Remar is glad, too, even though he doesn't look it.

I believe I have isolated the exact moment when James Remar decides to phone in his performance.  It is while he is being held at gunpoint by his scene partner; literally, and perhaps also metaphorically.

Said scene partner is Erika Eleniak (former Playboy Playmate, BAYWATCH cast member, and UNDER SIEGE cake-jumper) who––to be fair––is really doing her best.

Conversely, James Remar has thrown in the towel.  He stares emptily, past the despair, past the paycheck, past the art and the craft.  He spends most of the film driving around in a car and on the phone, a hallmark of "we only have so-and-so on set for X amount of hours"-style filmmaking.

Don't worry, James.  If you behave yourself, there's a cameo in an X-MEN movie in it for you.

In case you were wondering what LADY JAYNE: KILLER actually is, it's an early 2000s Cinemax-style actioner directed by genre master Mark L. Lester (COMMANDO, CLASS OF 1984).  I apologize for the glib assessment, but this is a fruitless, through the motions thriller that most likely involved tax write-offs.  Adam "Not-Alec's-Brother" Baldwin (FULL METAL JACKET, D.C. CAB) is in this thing, too. 
What I'm essentially saying is that instead, you should go watch COMMANDO for the thirtieth time.

Film Review: TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD (1996, Gilbert Adler)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: I couldn't find one, but I believe the poster image of a martini-quaffing Cryptkeeper staring at a pair of partially-clad female legs is probably tag-line enough.
Notable Cast or Crew:  Starring John Kassir (The Cryptkeeper), William Sadler (DIE HARD 2, MACHETE KILLS), Dennis Miller (comedian, THE NET, DISCLOSURE), Erika Eleniak (E.T., UNDER SIEGE, BAYWATCH), Angie Everhart (model, ex-wife of Joe Pesci, LAST ACTION HERO), Chris Sarandon (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE PRINCESS BRIDE), Corey Feldman (STAND BY ME, THE LOST BOYS), Aubrey Morris (LIFEFORCE, "Deltoid" in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE), Phil Fondacaro (TROLL, WILLOW, GHOULIES II, "Greaser Greg" in THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS THE MOVIE).  Story by Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis (BACK TO THE FUTURE Trilogy, USED CARS), and a special appearance by Whoopi Goldberg.  Screenplay by AL Katz (FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES, TALES FROM THE CRYPT) and Gilbert Adler (producer on TALES FROM THE CRYPT and SUPERMAN RETURNS) and directed by Adler.  Produced by Adler, Katz, Zemeckis, Richard Donner, Joel Silver, Walter Hill, and the rest of the TV Crypt gang.
Best One-liner:  "Trust me, quit while you're a 'head.'"  –The Cryptkeeper

The second film of its kind, TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: BORDELLO OF BLOOD mostly serves as a feature-length reminder why TALES FROM THE CRYPT episodes should not be feature length– but along the way there is ample guilty pleasure to be enjoyed.  In fact, I think I can identify at least seven things in BORDELLO OF BLOOD that, while perhaps not approaching the mantle of "greatness," approach some effortless mantle of "sublime stupidity."  Oh yeah.  BORDELLO OF BLOOD ain't afraid to get stupid.  Real stupid.


Welcome to Angie Everhart's acting school.  I hope you're taking notes!

Produced, written, and directed by a lot of the usual suspects from the TALES FROM THE CRYPT family, BORDELLO OF BLOOD is especially notable for having an original story by Robert Zemeckis and his longtime writing partner Bob Gale.  While Zemeckis has been a CRYPT producer and director from the very beginning of the series, this marks the first time he officially made a writing contribution of any kind.  A word of advice?  Don't expect BACK TO THE FUTURE!  Instead, expect a dim retread of the previous Gale-scripted and directed episode from 1993 called "House of Horror," whereupon fraternity pledges meet their doom in a haunted house-initiation gone wrong.  In BORDELLO OF BLOOD, however, it's dumb teens who visit a vampiric brothel on the outskirts of town.  After they're reported missing, private eye Dennis Miller (?!) is on the case, which ends up involving archeology and intrigue at a local megachurch.  It's corny, slight, and predictable, but here are those seven bits of sublime stupidity that keep TALES FROM THE CRYPT fans comin' back for more:

#1.  William Sadler as the Cryptkeeper's drinkin' buddy.  Also– he's a mummy.

You get the sense that William Sadler is always having a lot of fun, whether he's doing naked kung fu in DIE HARD 2 or playing Twister against Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in BILL AND TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY.  Technically the story kicks off as a wager between Sadler's mummy and ole' Crypty– apparently based on the quality of their stories, they sometimes cut each other to pieces for laughs or something?  (I think there's a "Cutting Cards" reference in there, too.)  This seems to exist solely for the payoff which I have catalogued under "Best One-Liner."

#2.  Bad boy Corey Feldman.  Look at him– so badass and ambiguously "90s subculture"

with his turquoise-eyeballed skull stud, his grunge jeans, leather jacket, and Bobby Briggs flannel.  He's got a TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT poster in his bedroom, too!  Regardless, this young ruffian's visit to the eponymous bordello is what kicks the plot into high gear.  Also, his (brief) presence here sorta feels like a nod to THE LOST BOYS.

Furthermore, his DEATH BECOMES HER-style demise and famous last words are poetry worthy of Lord Byron, or at least Beavis and Butthead:

"Oh shit!  This sucks! Uhhh..."


#3.  Crooked mega-pastor Chris Sarandon, wearing the worst tie of the 1990s and rocking out with his guitar like he's Chuck Berry.



This is actually what "makes" the movie, to whatever extent BORDELLO OF BLOOD can be "made."  He at first in league with the vampires (and not an actual vampire, like in the glorious FRIGHT NIGHT), helping lure young sinners to the Bordello of Blood.

Note the portrait of Sarandon on the wall behind Sarandon.

He also runs "The Lord's Shoppin' Network," wields a cross-shaped Jesus laser (which adheres to Chekhov's rule of Jesus lasers!), and pronounces laser like "lazzer."  All of this is pretty stupid, but all of this is also really good.

#4.  A rabid, demented supporting role from British character actor Aubrey Morris as an undertaker/pimp.

He knows exactly what movie he's in, and uses that as license to blaze bold and wondrous new trails in the annals of undertaker/pimpery.


#5.  Whoopi Goldberg?!

What's going on here?  She's around for about six seconds– long enough to pop up out of a hospital bed after a vampire battle and deliver the above rib-tickler.  Interestingly enough, this is not Whoopi's first TALES FROM THE CRYPT association– she also co-starred with James Remar and Vanity in the Tobe Hooper episode "Dead Wait" and even appeared as herself in the wraparound segment:

If I wrote the questions for JEOPARDY, you could bet that this would show up eventually.

#6.  A-movie (RETURN OF THE JEDI, WILLOW, THE DOORS), B-movie (GHOULIES II, TROLL, THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS) and C-movie (DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS, RAGEWAR, MONSTER HIGH) legend Phil Fondacaro...  as Indiana Jones?!

He plays a vampire archeologist (I can't believe I just typed that) who becomes mixed up in a lot of Angie Everhart/Chris Sarandon intrigue.  This doesn't quite fit as sublime stupidity, as I must really tip my hat to their casting a little person in a role that doesn't necessarily call for one- how often does a guy like Phil Fondacaro get to play a straightforward "role," with no (troll/elf/alien/Ewok) qualification?

#7.  Dennis Miller and Chris Sarandon blast legions of vampire hookers into bloody goo-splosions with holy-water-filled Super Soakers to the resounding rock n' roll glory of The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz."

Amen!

In the end, I'll give this two and a half stars.  I think I'm too close to it and I can't tell if I've inflated the rating or lowballed it.  Perhaps I'll let history be the judge.

–Sean Gill

Film Review: THE BLOB (1988, Chuck Russell)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Director Chuck Russell (ERASER, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS), Candy Clark, Kevin Dillon, Jeffrey DeMunn (THE GREEN MILE, THE MIST, BURN AFTER READING), Bill Moseley, Jack Nance (ERASERHEAD, BLUE VELVET, TWIN PEAKS), Art LaFleur (FIELD OF DREAMS, COBRA), Donovan Leitch, Shawnee Smith (SAW, THE ISLAND), shot by Mark Irwin (VIDEODROME, SCANNERS, Wes Craven's NEW NIGHTMARE), and cast by Johanna Ray (casting director for David Lynch (1986-Present), Quentin Tarantino (1996-Present), COOL AS ICE, SHOWGIRLS, and GHOULIES),.
Tag-line: "Scream now, while there's still room to breathe."
Best one-liner: "I feel like the one-legged man in an ass kicking contest."

"The Blob's not scary. It's just red Jell-o." SCCHLERRRRP! Yeah, asscheek, you just got absorbed by the Blob. The Blob IS scary. How many times do I have to say this? It has no sense of reason. I guess you can say that about a lot of horror monsters, but the Blob is completely inscrutable. You can't even say with certainty that hunger is its motivation. Does it think? Is it even alive? Well, you don't really have time to tackle these questions when the Blob is coming. Or the Glob. Yeah, the original 50's title was THE GLOB THAT GIRDLED THE GLOBE, which is completely awesome.

Anyway, the 80's saw some of the most successful horror/sci-fi remakes ever, many of the films even eclipsing the originals (THE FLY, THE THING, CAT PEOPLE). Now, the original BLOB can't be touched, but this comes damn close. A lot of that's due to Frank Darabont's writing. He's a man (THE MIST, THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, screenplay for NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3) who knows how to do creature features right.

The set-up's perfect- we get loads of well-done, condensed character development AND the Blob in the first 20 minutes; we have complete unpredictability in terms of Blob victims; there's gruesome, unnerving, Cronenbergian FX; and there are some definite emotional stakes. We got the zany Candy Clark, a cameo by Jack "Eraserhead" Nance, the underrated Jeffrey DeMunn, singer Donavan's son as an all-American jock, a bit part by Bill Moseley, and a totally be-mulleted Kevin Dillon.

And it all takes place in a 50's meets 80's Anytown, USA that has a surprisingly evocative flavor to it that's very TWILIGHT ZONE-y. It's got a very successful mildly Lovecraftian feel to it as well. I was really shocked at how well-done this film is. And the ending, which I shan't reveal here, is brilliantly set up, and I dare say gleefully nihilistic. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: UNDER SIEGE (1992, Andrew Davis)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.
Running Time: 103 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Director Andrew Davis (THE FUGITIVE, CODE OF SILENCE, ABOVE THE LAW), Gary Busey, Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones.
Tag-lines: "It's not a job...It's an Adventure! "
Best one-liner: "This little piggy went to market... This little piggy stayed home... And this little piggy... oh, mama... oh, mama... went wee, wee, wee, WEEEEEEEEE...! ALL THE WAY HOME!" [Tommy Lee Jones air-guitars to "The Star-Spangled Banner" as the missile takes off]

As I've said before, the 90's were all about remaking movies and putting them on a boat. Why? Because boats appeal to our vapid 90s sense of fun. Or tragedy. Cause if you need to wipe the slate clean, you can always sink the boat, and that's always high drama. So WHAT ABOUT BOB? becomes CAPTAIN RON, SPEED becomes SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL, LOVE STORY becomes TITANIC, THE ROAD WARRIOR becomes WATERWORLD, and DIE HARD becomes... UNDER SIEGE. And UNDER SIEGE would just be another low caliber DIE HARD rip-off were it not for two key elements: Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey.


More on them in a minute. Now, I'm not opposed to Steven Seagal as a rule, but he just hasn't won me over in the way that, say, Chuck Norris or Carl Weathers have. Maybe that's a character flaw on my part, but it's something we're all just going to have to live with.

Seagal's bland. He may be an asskicker, but he's got the charisma of a dead fish (which I guess is the appeal). Toss Busey and Jones into the mix and it's another story entirely.

Tommy Lee Jones is wearing a studded leather jacket and acting only slightly more restrained than he is as "Two-Face" in BATMAN FOREVER. He calls himself 'the Roadrunner' and says "Mee-meep." Gary Busey is in drag, dancing, and smoking a cigar.

I guarantee you that he personally requested to be in drag. (The pilot episode of I'M WITH BUSEY sheds some light on this.)

He says things like "OutstAInding," "Do I look like I need a psychological evaluation?" and spits in Seagal's soup. This is still not a riveting movie, per se, but Busey and Jones push it over the edge into definite likability. Three and a half stars.

-Sean Gill