Film Review: NATIONAL TREASURE- BOOK OF SECRETS (2007, Jon Turteltaub)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 124 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Nic Cage, Ed Harris, Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel, Helen Mirren, Diane Kruger, Justin Bartha.
Tag-lines: "Nicolas Cage."
Best one-liner: "What's the final clue?"

Alright, class, raise your hands if you want to see a Nic Cage movie. Good, good, almost everyone. Now, keep your hands raised if you also want to learn about American history. Alright, a bunch of hands just went down. What's the deal, kiddies? Alright. So...what if it was make-believe American history? Great, most of those hands went right back up. Now, keep your hands raised if you want to see Ed Harris play the villain.

Wow, not a single hand went down. Okay, so keep ‘em raised if you want to see Ed Harris' villain have his hands tied behind his back by some Michael Bay-lite hack in a PG-rated, violence free cornball fest? Hey! Where'd everybody go?

And there you have it, ladies and gents. If you want to see a bored Keitel sitting behind a desk,

Keitel's spirit is so broken he didn't even ASK if he could have a nude scene.

an exasperated Ed Harris daydreaming about APPALOOSA II, and Helen Mirren sadly bantering with Jon Voight

"Jon, stop thinking about Angelina for a minute, you're just gonna get yourself all worked up. We have some scenes to shoot."

(who's either phoning it in, or has totally lost it), then by all means, NATIONAL TREASURE 2 is for you.



Even with one arm tied behind his back, Ed is still majestically terrifying. "Hey kiddies, how'd you like my movie?"

The last hour is basically a geriatric GOONIES. No kid wants to see that. But, surprise, surprise, no adult wants to see this, either. And who the hell is this Justin Bartha guy? Smack dab in the middle of a crowd of paycheck collecting A-listers is this prime jag-off J. Crew faux-nerd intended for comic relief.

Nearly every scene is bookended with his nauseating delivery of nauseating lines, so, even if you sorta like a scene, he's going to make sure you leave with a bad taste in your mouth.

Also, the film promises to show Nic Cage KIDNAPPING THE PRESIDENT.

This could've been a real coup- I was thinking ball gag and everything. And with the superb Bruce Greenwood as the Pres, what could go wrong? Well, there is no kidnapping. Cage instead briefly speaks privately with the president.

An action flick should be like a shot of bourbon. The first one was watered down, but had a little bite. Here, we got a shot glass full of water. If you hold it up to the light, you can kinda see a tinge of brown, but not really. No sale, fellas.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: COPYING BEETHOVEN (2006, Agnieszka Holland)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 104 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Ed Harris, Diane Kruger, Steven J. Rivele and Christopher Wilkinson (the writers of ALI and NIXON).
Tag-line: "He was the greatest composer of his time. One last performance would define his genius."
Best one-liner: "God whispers into the ears of some men, but he shouts into mine!"

Remember the YOUNG INDIANA JONES CHRONICLES? Indy would be visiting Africa for just one day, and next thing you know he's hanging out with Teddy Roosevelt on safari and inspiring Albert Schweitzer to start practicing medicine. COPYING BEETHOVEN is a lot like that. The screenplay is laughable. Probably the only historically accurate thing in this movie is Ed Harris' wig. But you shouldn't care. I didn't come here for a fact-based history lesson. I came here to see Ed Harris act like a fuckin' lunatic.

And I was not disappointed. Given the multitude of negative reviews, I was expecting something really lackluster and boring, but damn, was I in for the shock of a lifetime.

Harris plants an intense kiss atop the head of director Agnieszka Holland as Diane Kruger looks on.

Harris is brilliant. No hyperbole can do justice to what it is exactly that he does. He is intense.

He is committed. I feel like he out-commits Harvey Keitel, and I thought those words would never pass through my lips. Harris' Beethoven rocks at arm-wrestling, walks around half-naked, moons people when they mention the "Moonlight Sonata," hates cats, horrifies old ladies, pours water on his neighbors, beats up sickly old men, makes fart noises with his mouth to mock people, smashes a young dandy's life's work, and happens to be the greatest musical genius of the 19th Century. Basically if the thought of a totally crazed Ed Harris holding a horn to his ear and saying "Eh? Whaaat? WHAAAT?!" for 104 minutes appeals to you, then you have found your Holy Grail. I have.

-Sean Gill