Only now does it occur to me... STAR WARS: DROIDS––TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET (1985)

Only now does it occur to me... I guess we're doing more of these, huh?  If you already read my thoughts on THE PIRATE AND THE PRINCE, then you know the score.

This is another feature-length fusion of four episodes of the mid-1980s animated series DROIDS. TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET is written by Ben Burtt (STAR WARS' iconic sound designer) and stars a character named Mungo Baobob who is basically Kenny Loggins and/or Jesus.

It takes cojones to name your protagonist "Mungo Baobob." He gets a solid "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" moment
 
where he says he's "Mungo Baobab of the Baobab Merchant Fleet." This is *chef's kiss*-style good writing. Anyway.

Now, there is a hell of a lot going on here, and I only have the patience to scratch the surface. So, if you'll buckle up, here are ten bizarro minutiae from TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET.

#1. This is probably the most important. To the degree that people were pissed off when they learned that R2-D2 could fly in REVENGE OF THE SITH but never used that power before or since, they ought to be delighted that TREASURE OF THE HIDDEN PLANET reveals R2-D2 has been keeping his motherfuckin' breakdance moves a secret until now.


He puts some lukewarm alien calypso on the jukebox, apropos of nothing, and just starts busting moves. He's windmilling, he's jackhammering, he's moonwalking, he's poppin' his goddamn lid.





Really top-notch stuff. It's too bad George never licensed any STAR WARS spin-offs to Cannon Films.


#2. The plot. To the point at which random MacGuffins seasoned with a hearty dose of sci-fi technology can function as a genuine plot, I guess what we're looking at here is a treasure buried on a secret Sith planet



which is disguised by a massive dust cloud called "The Cloak of Sith." The only way to find it is to have C-3PO translate an ancient artifact/miniature pyramid thing


which can unlock the secret of the mysterious star system. If you haven't fallen asleep yet, you may note that this is almost exactly the nuts & bolts of the Exegol/Sith Wayfinder plot in J.J. Abrams' THE RISE OF SKYWALKER. Given that they took Kylo Ren/Kybo Ren from an old episode of DROIDS already, I think we can pretty much assume they lifted this wholesale.

#3. There's a moment where C-3PO's memory is about to be wiped, and his tormentor asks him what name he would like to be called by in his new iteration.


He stops just short of saying "Anthony Daniels," the actor who plays C-3PO (and who is voicing him here in the cartoon, as well).

#4. The Trouble with Tribble/Muppets. There's a subplot with alien creatures who are halfway between STAR TREK's Tribbles and the muppet aliens who sing "Mahna Mahna" on THE MUPPET SHOW.


This is mostly a device so we can see the answers to the questions "what would C-3PO look like in an ash-blonde wig?"

and "how well he would rock a beard?"

The answers are "not as good as you'd think," and "remarkably well," respectively.

#5. R2-D2 finally gets a medal. Most classic STAR WARS nerds' ire was directed at the fact that Chewbacca didn't get a medal at the end of A NEW HOPE, but R2-D2 really put his ass on the line, too, and hey, whaddya know, the little guy finally got one.

Of course it's for winning a horse/tauntaun/thing race, and not for getting his dome singed in the Battle of Yavin.

#6. Speaking of which, this pivotal race on so-called "rockhoppers" ends up being a unfortunately long-winded part of the story

and I'm fairly certain that it inspired both the "Fathier racetrack" in THE LAST JEDI


as well as the annoying, two-headed announcer from the extremely "wizard" podrace in THE PHANTOM MENACE:


So this is more, seemingly endless evidence of the outsize influence DROIDS played in the prequel and sequel trilogies. So weird.

#7. And love how they have R2-D2 astride this hot-dog space horse. How does he stay on there?

Really dignified stuff.


#8. The villains. We have the Imperial officer version of Doctor Claw on the one hand,

and on the other we basically have Oliver North-funded space Contras

who commit war crimes, atrocities, mind-flaying, etc.
 
Sort of a strange juxtaposition for a kids' cartoon, but, hey, it was the Reagan years. Gotta educate 'em on right-wing banana republics sometime.

Also there're Cthulhu priests wandering around here, too. The live-action version of this would be too disturbing for a PG rating, I'm sure.


#9. R2-D2 is always turning up new and increasingly phallic capabilities. Turns out he contains an entire 10-foot fire hose

for when you need to wash away the mud creatures tormenting C-3PO.


Spoiler alert: it's not

And a curiously-placed 3PO leash for when the golden boy is showing too much self-determination.




#10. An escalating circus of sexuality, the likes of which we haven't seen since SPLINTER OF THE MIND'S EYE. As I've written previously, the DROIDS series seems dedicated to placing a lot of STAR WARS' sexual subtext directly into the "text."
 
Interesting aside: when a grotesque droid named LIN-D decides to make a play and mack on R2-D2

he quickly realizes his mistake, and consequently invites 3PO to the party as well.

But 3PO shuts it down outright, because 3PO don't swing:


Elsewhere, when they land on a snow planet, R2-D2 escalates the situation by immediately making some extremely suggestive spread-eagle snow angels

which prompts a scolding from 3PO:

That's it––it's canon now: when the Rebels first landed on Hoth before the events of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, R2 was exclusively doing this for months while they built Echo Base.


Finally, due to some fuzzy plotting and a "shrinking mirror"


R2 gets HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS'd. Naturally, C-3PO's first reaction is to 
toss him inside his empty (?!) abdominal cavity.

I've never been more confident that someone is getting off on this.

Anyway: DROIDS, ladies and gentlemen.

Film Review: ROCKY IV (1985, Sylvester Stallone)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen (RED SONJA, COBRA), Talia Shire (THE GODFATHER, OLD BOYFRIENDS), Burt Young (CHINATOWN, ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA), Dolph Lundgren (UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), Carl Weathers (PREDATOR, ACTION JACKSON), Tony Burton (THE SHINING, THE BLACK GODFATHER), James Brown as "The Godfather of Soul."  Mr. T and Burgess Meredith in archival footage.  Featuring the song "Double or Nothing," by Kenny Loggins.

Best one-liner: "Get ready for the next world war."

ROCKY IV.  The Cannon Film that never was.  That's sort of my thesis statement, anyway.  And it fits– it's closer to COBRA in every regard than it is to ROCKY I or II.  Written and directed by The Stallion himself, it is a pure, uncut, and punch-blasting rumination on the Cold War, probably the best since FAIL-SAFE or THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD.  At least it's the best one that co-stars Carl Weathers.    

Anyway, this movie's been discussed to death by plenty of others, but I'd like to offer my own humble observations into the mix.  So let's look at a few of the little things I like best about ROCKY IV.  What the hell.

#1.  Vanity plates.  If you recall, Marion "Cobra" Cobretti had one:  "AWESOM 50."  Rocky Balboa's is "SOTHPAW," because he's left-handed.  

Now, here's my question:  would "SOUTHPAW" not fit, or does "SOTHPAW" represent one of Rocky's poignant (but mostly hilarious) battles with literacy?  Or does it represent a member of the production's poignant battle with literacy?  The character of Rocky has changed so much by this time, however (he's basically 'Cobra,' now as I've mentioned), that the literacy Public Service Announcement from ROCKY II seems long-forgotten.  

#2.  Dolph Lundgren.

Where everyone else has put forth their own thoughts on "If he dies, he dies" and "I MUST BREAK YOU!," etc., etc., I'd like to draw some attention to Dolph's flattened coiffure, and the fact that he was dating Grace Jones at the time (after starting off as her bodyguard).  

He's such a blank, one-dimensional villain, that he might as well be a live action video game boss.  So given this less-than-rich source material, what did Dolph infuse his performance with?  Allow me to float the idea that Ivan Drago– "I MUST BREAK YOU," haircut, killer punches, and all– could very well be based on Grace "Queen Bitch Jungle Mother of New York" Jones.  At least I hope.

#3.  Also, I love that Rocky puts a little pin-up of Drago on his bureau mirror, FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF CRUMPLING IT LATER.

#4.  The bizarre editing.

There's montage after montage here, and I'll use one in particular as an example.  Rocky hops into his car, revs the engine, and drives into the dark, dark night, mourning times gone by, and meditating upon the existential menace of Ivan Drago.  We get Lynchian flashes of Drago, starkly lit against the darkness. We flash sporadically between shots of Drago and the car, as if there's an absolute madman in the edit room.  It made me think of the insanely edited montages in COBRA (where it was flashes of the axe-wielding gang instead of Ivan Drago!), which got me thinking.  While both movies do have co-editor Don Zimmerman in common, I get the idea that Stallone himself– being the auteur, and all– was in the edit-room, micro-managing the hell out of all of it and preserving his vision.  Which conjures a second question:  was he 'in character' as Rocky when he did it?

#5.  Apollo Creed's entrance.  

I love Carl Weathers.

Getting to see him prance about in an Uncle Sam costume in front of a papier-mache bull while Fosse dancers and showgirls alike cavort on a stage with fire and glitter and James Brown–

–yes, I said James Brown–  well, in short, it's something to behold.  Which leads me to– *spoiler alert*

#6.  Apollo Creed's death.

You know, I hate to see Carl Weathers go.  And he's giving it his all in this scene.  Then there's Stallone, throwing a towel in slow motion and doing that one kind of sad, kind of dazed, mouth-agape look that he does when he's required to show emotion.  Let's just say that if I were a lot drunker and 12 years old, this scene could have been imbued with a tragic beauty.

#7.  You know what would be cooler than Rocky climbing the steps at the Philadelphia Art Museum and raising his fists in triumph?

How'd he get up there anyway?  I don't see any grappling hooks or anything.  Also– maybe this is where Stallone got the inspiration for CLIFFHANGER?

#8. Brigitte Nielsen.

Again, this should be an honorary Cannon Film.  First Stallone (OVER THE TOP, COBRA), then Dolph (MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE), and now Brigitte Nielsen (COBRA).  She's sort of a stock Communist villain here, which means she mostly delivers icy stares punctuated by the occasional asshole sneer.  She's not too bad– but then again, she's not given the chance to pose and lark about with high-fashion robots.  Which is sort of sad, I think.  Nope, there's not even a single robot in sight.  No robots here.  None at all.

#9.  The Robot.

Had you going for a second there, didn't I?  Of course there's a robot.  He wrote 'em into COBRA for a reason, too.  What that reason was, I'll suspect we'll never know, though I can't help but wonder if it involved the mad typing of deadline frenzy as Sly hid in the basement from Brigitte Nielsen and imagined a better life: one with more robots.  Anyway, Stallone gave birth to SICO the Robot, who makes his first appearance as a birthday present from Rocky to Paulie (Burt Young).  SICO makes some gender shifts throughout (with the intent, I imagine, of eliciting laffs), delivers cakes, dances in the driveway, offers telephones, cleans up the aftermath of Redi-Whip shenanigans, and roots for the USA in international sporting events.  I can't even begin to describe how oddly out-of-place this feels in a ROCKY movie.  But I guess robots were the "new normal" for ROCKY movies in 1985.  SICO reminds me a little more of BB in DEADLY FRIEND than Johnny 5 in SHORT CIRCUIT or R2-D2 as it were, if we're talking marketable movie robots of the era here.  But that didn't stop him from touring with James Brown throughout the 80s.  I did a real-life spit-take when I read that.  Apparently SICO had his own Screen Actors' Guild card, too.  Pretty terrific.  Here's a video of SICO's first appearance:

HAPPY-BIRTH-DAY-PAUL-IE.  I love how quickly and stiltedly he says that line, and how it matches rhythmically with the awesome synth music.  And SICO is not some gimmicky, throwaway moment– he becomes a bona fide supporting character.  Plus, there's the line, "Yo, can you turn your robot down, please?"

#10.  Gorbachev slow clap.  So it's the end of the film, and Rocky is giving an inspirational speech about East-West relations.  There's already been a Gorbachev look-a-like (minus the birthmark) present in the arena, and I was struck with the thought that the only thing that could make this scene better is if Gorbachev nods his head in appreciation, slowly comes to his feet, claps once, claps twice, claps a third time, and then legitimately starts a barrage of clapping and nodding his head in a slow burn of enthusiasm, prompting everyone else to start clapping and nodding their heads in appreciation of Rocky's Philly-streets wisdom.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED!  

Amen, Rocky, Amen!  Four Berlin Wall-felling stars.

-Sean Gill