GIANT OSCAR MESS: Best Dance of Seduction

In my continuing coverage of GIANT OSCAR MESS (best described HERE), I present to you the nominees for BEST DANCE OF SEDUCTION IN A MOTION PICTURE.

And the winners were...

....Deborah Reed and David McConnell in TROLL 2, for obvious reasons.

(to be continued...)

Film Review: THE END (1978, Burt Reynolds)

Stars: 2 of 5.

Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "Are there laughs before death?" Apparently not.

Notable Cast or Crew: Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, Sally Field, Norman Fell (THE STONE KILLER, THE KILLERS), Joanne Woodward (THE THREE FACES OF EVE, THE FUGITIVE KIND), Myrna Loy (THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, THE THIN MAN), Carl Reiner (THE JERK, SUMMER SCHOOL), Strother Martin (COOL HAND LUKE, THE WILD BUNCH), Kristy McNichol (WHITE DOG, THE PIRATE MOVIE).

Best one-liner: "That man's nuts! Grab 'em!"

Oh, no. Tell me this isn't happening. I love Burt. The giggle, the goosing, the impetuous smarm. I love Dom even more. The chubby cheeks, the playful demeanor (never has someone been quite so mischievous without an ounce of malice), and the unfettered optimism, even in the wake of getting slapped by Burt, nonstop. Put 'em together, and you've got gold.

Well....I hate to break America's collective heart, but not always. Let me lay it all out for you. It's a tale of terminal illness and suicide. Burt directs, and Burt stars. The director seems to be playing it straight. The star is playin' it strictly for laffs. Allow me to reiterate: THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.

Why the disparate agendas? Burt's got the beard, and Dom's clean-shaven. That's gotta throw some people off, but forget about that for a second. The problems are fivefold:

#1. The pacing. The pacing is HORRIBLE. It is excruciating. Simple scenes that don't advance the plot, don't develop character, and don't contain laffs should not be lasting in excess of ten minutes.

#2. Where is Dom? Dom doesn't even appear until around the half-way mark. Even after that, he's only really a supporting character.

DOM IS GOLD. YOU DO NOT WASTE GOLD. I thought you knew this, Burt! Dom gives it his all. If Dom were onscreen the whole time, this might have been a fine film.

#3. Stop playing with your chest hair, Burt. I'm, trying to eat a snack. I like it better when you're –schwink– goosing Loni.

#4. Groan-inducing jokes. Burt insinuates that his last meal might be Sally Field's–

MEOWWWW!, her cat interjects. Simply rib-tickling. On the Laff-O-Meter, I'm reminded of the near necrophilia from STROKER ACE. Then there's the slew of racial gags– from Burt pulling out the old derogatory chestnut, "beaner," to the stock 'Asian-style' music that accompanies the whacky gardener, the movie's full of wince-worthy would-be knee-slappers. And now, since I've used the phrase "wince-worthy would-be knee-slappers," I am as big a douche as Burt was for making this movie.

Burt Reynolds in a ladies' housecoat, drinkin' a Coors is not in and of itself, funny. Sure, it could LEAD to something funny, but that would require some form of additional effort.

#5. Wasting legends. Aside from Dom, there's stars like Myrna Loy, Joanne Woodward, and Norman Fell.

(Now Norman Fell's not a legend, per sé, but acting alongside the likes of Lee Marvin, Clu Gulager, and Charles Bronson has certainly made him more endearing.)

Myrna Loy: "I acted with William Powell, I drank martinis with William Powell. William Powell was a friend of mine. And you, Burt, are no William Powell."

Give these actors something to do, dammit! Kristy McNichol, on the other hand, acquits herself with twee charm.

In fact, her brief scene with daddy Burt is probably one of the best parts of the film.

Whew. How to end such a film? Well, Burt could always end with a weak FROM HERE TO ETERNITY parody, some sped-up footage inspired by Benny Hill, and call it a day.....

...Annnnnd he does. Two stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: WHITE DOG (1982, Sam Fuller)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Kristy McNichol, Jameson Parker (SIMON AND SIMON, PRINCE OF DARKNESS), Paul Winfield (THE TERMINATOR, STAR TREK: THE WRATH OF KHAN, THE SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW, ORIGINAL GANGSTAS), Burl Ives, Paul Bartel cameo, cameo by Joe Dante-fav Dick Miller, music by Ennio Morricone, co-writer Curtis Hanson.
Tag-line: "When man's best friend becomes his fiercest enemy!"
Best one-liner(s): "Sour cream....love it!"

Alexander Pope's poem, 'On the Collar of a Dog': "I am his highness's dog at Kew/ Pray, tell me, sir, whose dog are you?" And indeed Sam Fuller's film, WHITE DOG, leaves you thinking that Sam believes there are many members of the human species more deserving of collars than dogs, and many forms of bigotry more vicious than the amorality of the animal world. I must say that I'm inclined to agree with him.

Long suppressed and unavailable to the masses, I'm happy to say that WHITE DOG lives up to the hype. At once wild entertainment and a serious statement on race, its sometimes restrained, sometimes over-the-top acting modes and masterfully emotive Ennio Morricone soundtrack make it feel very much like the work of crazed (but skilled) Europeans.

Much of its success is due to the likability of it's characters- the waifish Kristy McNichol (the same year as THE PIRATE MOVIE!) exudes cheerful grace; Jameson Parker (sans moustache) is a fleeting friend/love interest; Burl Ives is a hilarious, R2-D2 hating (he flings syringes at what he sees as the death of animal stunts!), jolly, roly-poly old man ("Sour cream... Love it!");

Paul Winfield is the determined, black Ahab out to cure the elusive 'white dog;'

and we even get cameos from the likes of Paul Bartel, Dick Miller, and a cigar-chomping Mr. Fuller himself! The script, loosely adapted by Fuller and Curtis Hanson (THE RIVER WILD, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL) is at times ridiculous (in the best way possible), but always packs a punch. This tale of trying to "cure" racism (instead of ignoring it or trying to destroy it) is a touch nihilistic, but it is so well-structured and directed that it never rings false. Fuller takes you into the dog's world in a much more visceral way than say, AU HASARD BALTHAZAR (and I'm not talking merely about attack sequences), and the result is a primeval melancholy that's quite unlike anything I've ever seen. Five stars, and one of Fuller's best.


-Sean Gill

Film Review: THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982, Ken Annakin)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 99 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins (QUIGLEY), Ted Hamilton, William S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan (kind of).
Tag-lines: " Buckle Your Swash and Jolly Your Roger for the Funniest Rock 'N Rollickin' Adventure Ever!"
Best one-liner(s): (sung) "Man, I'm older than the Beatles, but I'm younger than the Rolling Stones!"

One could certainly go the lowbrow route in assembling their thoughts on THE PIRATE MOVIE. I will concede that the "Pumpin' and Blowin" sequence is one of the most outrageous, inappropriate, and unexpected sequences in the history of the movie musical, but there's a lot of surprising facets to consider in the gem that is THE PIRATE MOVIE.

If cinema itself is an ouroboros (the snake eating its own tail), THE PIRATE MOVIE provides us with one of the more fascinating examples. Let me explain: the director, Ken Annakin, created some of the original swashbucklers that inspired George Lucas to pursue filmmaking. As one of his heroes, Lucas even named a character after Annakin- Anakin Skywalker. Fastforward to 1982, when Annakin inserts one of the most abrupt and hamfisted parody jokes ever to appear on celluloid when in the midst of a pirate duel, a lightsaber shows up.

Ehhhh. Hence, the ouroboros. Possibly more than any other, this movie is akin to one enormous non-sequitur. Trying to pin it down is pointless. Hey, it's a kid's movie. No, it isn't, it's ridiculously dirty with vaguely stomach-turning innuendo. Maybe it's an adaptation of "The Pirates of Penzance." Wait, why are they making overt, unfunny allusions to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "The Rolling Stones?"


Hey, could it be a summer blockbuster trying to cash in on the success of the surprisingly charming and living-up-to-the-hype Kristy McNichol and the completely worthless and embarrassing Christopher Atkins?

No, it bombed terribly.

Well, I don't suppose it matters. And keep your ears peeled for the sonic sensation "We are the Pirates," and look out for producer Ted Hamilton, acting as the "Pirate King," in a performance that recalls both Sir Richard Burton and Captain Manzini from THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS.

I am so perplexed I must award you five stars. You may resume pumpin' and blowin', ya dirty sea dogs.


-Sean Gill