Film Review: SPASMO (1974, Umberto Lenzi)

Stars: 3.75 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Music by Ennio Morricone. Starring Suzy Kendall (TO SIR WITH LOVE, BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE), Ivan Rassimov (PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES, YOUR VICE IS A LOCKED ROOM).
Tag-line: "Beyond "Psycho" SPASMO!"
Best one-liner: "It's all so absurd, meaningless. And what's absurd is dangerous."

Alright, Umberto, let's get down to brass tacks here. I saw your latest film, SPASMO, and I have some notes. Now you can take 'em or leave 'em, cause I'm sure you know best, but just a few, brief things:

#1. I like the way the film starts off. Within the first minute, we got both breast-groping and two red herring corpses.

Lets people know they're watching an Italian movie if the parade of names in the credits like Pino, Luigi, and Adolfo doesn't tip them off. Also key is the naked mannequin fondling itself during said credits sequence.

#2. I like the way the title makes no sense in the context of the film. That's the way it should be. And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'Welll- it could kiiind of apply to that one thing late in the movie...?' And the answer to that is, plainly, 'no.'

This mannequin sneers at your inability to reconcile the title with the subject matter.

#3. It's good to give people definite, recognizable character traits. Like the one guy who plays with metal balls throughout the movie. Instead of being 'just another greasy-haired dude,' he's 'the guy who plays with his balls.'

Not just another greasy dude. At least he wouldn't be if you could see his hands right now.

#4. I like the way you built in a drinking game. Every time a character (or, I suppose, anyone in the audience) says "absurd," ya take a swig of Campari, or whatever passes for honest libation outside of Italy.

This is most definitely absurd.

#5. 'Heinous' does not rhyme with 'penis,' at least not in the English language. Similarly, "homicide" does not start out the same way as "homosexual."

#6. I really love exchanges like: WOMAN: [fingers MAN's chest hair] "There's no moon in my hotel room." MAN: "I was right. You're a sweet, sweet whore. Okay. Let's go." WOMAN: "But you have to shave your beard first." MAN: "I could have you here, now. And you'd like it. Even with the beard."

And I must further love that this was all penned and acted with complete sincerity.

Apparently without the beard is better.

#7. "It's all so absurd, meaningless. And what's absurd is dangerous." I guess, then, that this movie is pretty dangerous, Umberto. So I must give you four absurdly dangerous stars.

SPASMO!

-Sean Gill


2009 Halloween Countdown

31. PROM NIGHT (1980, Paul Lynch)
30. PHENOMENA (1985, Dario Argento)
29. HOUSE OF WAX (1953, André de Toth)
28. SILENT RAGE (1982, Michael Miller)
27. BASKET CASE (1982, Frank Henenlotter)
26. THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983, Douglas McKeown)
25. PELTS (2006, Dario Argento)
24. ANGEL HEART (1987, Alan Parker)
23. KILLER WORKOUT (1986, David A. Prior)
22. FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL NIGHTMARE (1991, Rachel Talalay)
21. THE ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES (1971, Robert Fuest)
20. FRANKENHOOKER (1990, Frank Henenlotter)
19. HELLRAISER (1987, Clive Barker)
18. GEEK MAGGOT BINGO (1983, Nick Zedd)
17. ALLIGATOR (1980, Lewis Teague)
16. LIZARD IN A WOMAN'S SKIN (1971, Lucio Fulci)
15. THE CARD PLAYER (2004, Dario Argento)
14. SPASMO (1974, Umberto Lenzi)
13.
...

Film Review: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES (1965, Mario Bava)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 88 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Barry Sullivan, Samuel Z. Arkoff, Antonio Perez Olea, Lamberto Bava, Ivan Rassimov.
Tag-line: " This was the day the universe trembled before the demon forces of the killer planet!"
Best exchange:
Captain: One entire crew lost; two of our own crew gone. Bert dead, Eldon disappeared. And this unknown enemy keeps getting closer.
Doctor: The enemy is also becoming visible.
Captain: What do you mean by that?
Doctor: Well, you saw something. Something not quite identifiable out of the corner of your eye.
Captain: Ah, yes. As if it were composed of little globes of light, something fleeting, nothing definite. And the minute I looked at the things directly, they were gone.

Alternate titles: Demon Planet, Planet of Blood, Space Mutants, Terror in Space, The Haunted Planet, The Haunted World, The Outlawed Planet, The Planet of Terror, The Planet of the Damned, Terrore nello spazio (original title).

Bava strikes again, with basically FORBIDDEN PLANET meets DANGER: DIABOLIK. This film has been a tremendous influence on subsequent sci-fi/horror from ALIEN to GHOSTS OF MARS, but its American title is about as appropriate as if THE THING had been named THE VAMPIRE, or if MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE had been called MAXIMUM VAMPIRES. The setup is this: starships investigating a phantom signal decide to land on a mysterious planet, whereupon the crew starts, without provocation, whaling on and beating the crap out of each other.


Then they investigate and find some enormous alien skeletons. If that doesnt sound like a terrific setup to you, then you probably shouldnt be watching these sorts of (Italian) movies. In fact, theres a line near the beginning of the film that is a beautiful metaphor for this type of cinema (lets say Bava, Argento, Leone, et al.): "Without this meteor rejector, we'd look like a piece of Swiss cheese, our ship would be down in less than a minute." In this metaphor, the meteors are plot holes, incomprehensibility, and bad dubbing. They can kill any movie in seconds for almost anyone. But what is the meteor rejector, you say? It's the mise-en-scene. It's style over substance that works! It's imaginative sets, colored fog, breathtaking matte paintings, inspired theatrical lighting, kickass costumes-

(black and yellow leather uniforms with insanely popped collars), blinking control panels and other made up technology- in short, it's the crazy Italian spectacle. And in the hands of an operatic virtuoso director, it works almost every time. Bravo, Mario!

-Sean Gill