"Rejected Alternatives to Roy Batty's 'Tears in Rain'" in Queen Mob's Teahouse

Since it's 2019, the year in which BLADE RUNNER takes place, my latest humor piece––"Rejected Alternatives to Roy Batty's 'Tears in Rain'"––pays homage to Rutger Hauer's famous monologue and is available to read online at Queen Mob's Teahouse.

Only now does it occur to me... BONE TOMAHAWK (2015)

Only now does it occur to me... that Sid Haig and David Arquette ought to co-star in a full-fledged buddy comedy.

 

Their dynamic here––as a couple of bumbling, cutthroat highwaymen––only lasts for a few minutes, but it's thoroughly enjoyable, with Sid doing the irascible old man bit and Arquette dialing up the sort of Steven Weber-pastiche he nailed in Mick Garris' RIDING THE BULLET.

The film itself has some pacing issues and a streak of unlikeability––it's a generally nihilistic thriller, part acid western and part torture porn.

 

But then again, it's great to see that mustache on screen again.  Kurt presumably grew it for THE HATEFUL EIGHT, but sensibly realized that it was far too fantastic a 'stache to confine to only one film.

He also has a great "grumpy old men" relationship with brilliant character actor Richard Jenkins (THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, THE VISITOR, BURN AFTER READING).

There are some notable performances and shenanigans along the way––an extremely restrained Sean Young shows up, possibly wearing the same shoulder pads from BLADE RUNNER:

 

Matthew Fox chomps on cigars and occasionally contorts his face into the expression known to LOST fans as "Jackface":

and the tribal troglodyte villains seem culled from a MAD MAX movie, but that's okay, too.

BONE TOMAHAWK, ladies and gentlemen.

Film Review: DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)

Stars: 3.4 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Tag-line: "A comedy about an experiment that got WAY OUT of control!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Tim Daly (DINER, STORM OF THE CENTURY), Sean Young (BLADE RUNNER, WALL STREET), Lysette Anthony (SAVE ME, KRULL), Harvey Fierstein (MRS. DOUBTFIRE, TORCH SONG TRILOGY), Jeremy Piven (ELLEN, ENTOURAGE), Stephen Tobolowsky (WEDLOCK, GROUNDHOG DAY), Polly Bergen (CAPE FEAR '62, CRY-BABY).
Best one-liner: "Who would've thought that if another woman came between me and Sarah, that it would be me!"

This movie is pretty damn zany and you know how I feel about movies that get too zany, but let me tell you- this is DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE. [Not to be confused with Hammer's DR. JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE, the ramshackle 70's softcore THE ADULT VERSION OF JEKYLL AND HYDE, or the community theater chestnut, DR. JEKYLL... PLEASE DON'T HYDE.] I first discovered this film during a VHS hunt which I outlined here.

A lot of the draw here, for me at least, is Sean Young. Sean Young is sort of the female Gary Busey. Now she doesn't have a lot of the conspicuous indicators that Gary does (ginormous teeth, a penchant for turning regular words into loopy, meaning-rich acronyms, a propensity for calling people 'butt-horns'), but make no mistake- like Busey, she's wildly talented and more than a little loco. And I say that with a lot of affection. I, for one, am with her 100% in heckling Julian Schnabel or in storming the Warner Brothers backlot- in costume- in a bid to be cast as Catwoman in BATMAN RETURNS.

Now, she's certainly not at her "best" here (who could be?), but she brings enough to the role that you're left wondering if perhaps Sean Young exists as the 'last man standing' in a real life internal-gender-battle-of-wills similar to the one depicted within the hallowed reels of DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE.

Sean Young smokes defiantly in a laboratory.

If you couldn't predict the plot from the title, it goes a little something like this: perfume scientist Dr. Richard Jacks (Tim Daly) inherits some old science manuals from a relative, who was the real-life Dr. Jekyll.


The ancestral Hyde.

In an attempt to compensate for the aggressive behavior of the unfortunate Mr. Hyde, he ups the estrogen levels, and *voila* we're entreated to Sean Young as 'Helen Hyde.' While this immediately leads only to a credit-card swiping high-fashion shopping montage, events quickly become much more complex.


The quintessential 90's shopping montage.

Problems with a fianceé (SAVE ME's Lysette Anthony), upper-echelon corporate politics, and increasingly sociopathic (but not altogether unpredictable) behavior on the part of Ms. Hyde lead to a variety of comic situations, many of which muster groans, but quite a few of which elicited appreciative applause and warm feelings of good cheer, not unlike the A*P*E's reaction to hang-gliding (which was pontificated upon by this site not too long ago).

On to the writing–
Now we know there's going to be A., a set-up:

i.e., the big transformation from male scientist to femme fatale alter-ego, and, B., a big finale: i.e., a spit-take inducing reveal to everyone that Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde are one and the same. The writers (of which SIX are credited!- including Robert Louis Stevenson) merely had to take us from point A to B in a manner which was not entirely nescient, and in this endeavor, they did not disappoint. Oh wait, yes they did.

I consider this an "Oh boy" movie. An "Oh boy" movie is a one during which I am frequently seen to be raising an eyebrow and uttering "Ohhhhhhh boy" in a blend of mild bemusement and profound disgust. It must also be mentioned that some of my favorite movies are "Oh boy" movies.

Exposition is rammed down our throats via line-readings ("You're a successful architect and I'm a failure!" –"No, you're not, you were the youngest chemist ever hired by..."). We are entreated to whacky moments such as the following-

Aunt Agatha is such a nutball- she mistook a stuffed bear for Dr. Jacks!


"I'm not a Jacks- I'm a Jekyll!"


A depiction of a DNA molecule straight out of THE LAWNMOWER MAN.


"Who would've thought that if another woman came between me and Sarah, that it would be me!"


"I'm a genius! ...What am I talking about?!– I'm gonna be a DEAD genius!"


Stephen Tobolowsky (Ned Ryerson from GROUNDHOG DAY) and Harvey Fierstein as a couple of dunderheaded executives.


Sean Young is so irresistable that she brings Fierstein back into the heterosexual fold-


"What am I paying you for? 20 years in therapy and I start liking girls? That's malpractice!"

But in a strange twist of events, Tobolowsky- known for his scenery-gorging performances- gives an extremely muted, complex portrait of a man coming to grips with his own place in the world.

"Lover lips is here!"

I think I neglected to mention that most of this is set to jammin' instrumentals that are so goddamned peppy that they make C + C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" seem like a funeral dirge by comparison.

Anyway, onto that spit-take inducing finale I was talking about. And I wasn't kidding– before you can say "It's your going away party, bitch!," the true nature of the experiment is revealed,

and we get not one,

POOOT–

not two,

PFF-

not three,

PFFFFFFFFFFF-

but FOUR

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!

spit-take reaction shots. That's three more than I expected. And for that, DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE, you deserve just about three and a half stars. And as I make that statement, I fully expect the coffin of Robert Louis Stevenson to pop up in Antarctica or Paraguay or something, because his grave's probably spinning at such a velocity that it's bored a hole through the Earth's core.

-Sean Gill

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. ...

Film Review: BLADE RUNNER (1982, Ridley Scott)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 117 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Harrison Ford, Sean Young, Rutger Hauer, Daryl Hannah, M. Emmet Walsh (MISSING IN ACTION, BLOOD SIMPLE), Edward James Olmos, Joe Turkel (the Bartender in THE SHINING), James Hong (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA), Brion James (HOUSE III), William Sanderson (DEADWOOD), Joanna Cassidy (THE OUTFIT) . Cinematography by Jordan Cronenweth, music by Vangelis. Based on the novel DO ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEP? by Philip K. Dick.
Tag-lines: "Man Has Made His Match... Now It's HIS Problem!" Wow.
Best one-liner: "Wake up, time to die!" (often and enthusiastically quoted by Abel Ferrara on his commentary track for THE DRILLER KILLER)
Schlitz Sign Sightings: 2

On a TV, BLADE RUNNER's an essential film; on the big screen, it's a revelation. From the ominous opening tones and expository scroll to the first shots of fireballs bursting forth from futuristic smokestacks, the viewer is immediately aware that they're about to embark on something enrapturing, exceedingly rare, and immaculately crafted.

Director Ridley Scott, cinematographer Jordan Cronenweth (ROLLING THUNDER, ALTERED STATES CUTTER'S WAY), special effects artist Douglas Trumbull (2001, CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND), and production designer Lawrence G. Paull (BACK TO THE FUTURE) merge their talents to create a moody, jaw-dropping, futuristic atmosphere, the likes of which hadn't been seen since METROPOLIS and will likely be never seen again, so long as Hollywood clings to its CGI like a cured fool to his needless crutch.

Though not following his work to the letter, the film wonderfully replicates the Philip K. Dick 'aura'- a world of confusion, filth, wonderment, paranoia, disquiet, and mystery. A smoky Middle-Eastern nightclub with shades of PEPE LE MOKO; an icy laboratory where eyeballs are fashioned from bubbling, frigid vats; a dark, rain-soaked alley, intermittently lit by neon and the flashing headlamps of police spinners;

a sooty, decaying space, full of mannequins, robots, and incessantly chortling mechanical toys; a musty, shadowy, Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired apartment

where Harrison Ford's Deckard pours bottle after bottle of stinging hooch down his throat– the sheer creativity and perfect realization of these places leaves them etched upon your mind, long after the film has finished. Combined with an ethereal Vangelis score, one sits, transfixed and with mouth agape, as one might while experiencing one of the great cathedrals.

Violence is handled with firm-handed Dickian weight: visceral and distressing, full of shrieks and spasms and existential dread. The acting is superb: Sean Young's art deco naivete, Brion James' detached brutality, Rutger Hauer's unsettling perfection, James Hong's yammering hermit, Joe Turkel's thick-lensed mogul, Edward James Olmos' craggy visage, William Sanderson’s sweet gullibility,

Daryl Hannah's raccoon-eyed urchin, and M. Emmet Walsh’s oily countenance all function to develop a colorful landscape of characters, remaining true to Dick's wider vision. Ultimately, Scott possesses a complete confidence in his material, and never second-guesses, never concedes a point, never gives in to showcasing some 'flavor of the month,’ and consequently has created a languid, timeless work of art.

-Sean Gill