Film Review: STONE COLD (1991, Craig R. Baxley)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 92 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Bosworth (ONE TOUGH BASTARD, THREE KINGS), Lance Henriksen (ALIENS, NEAR DARK), Arabella Holzbog (CARNOSAUR 2, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE), William Forsythe (EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK, OUT FOR JUSTICE), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD), Evan James (HARD TO KILL, PENTATHLON). Produced by Yoram Ben-Ami (LONE WOLF MCQUADE, 3 NINJAS KICK BACK), Moshe Diamant (TIMECOP, HARD TARGET), Gary Wichard (BLACKOUT, C.O.D.), Walter Doniger (also the writer), Michael Douglas (BASIC INSTINCT, FALLING DOWN), Nick Grillo (YOUNGBLOOD, GODS & GENERALS), Udi Nedivi (BLOOD RUN, SUPER 8), and Rick Bieber (FLATLINERS, DOUBLE IMPACT). Stunt coordinated by Paul Baxley (ACTION JACKSON, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER), with some stunts by Al Leong (LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD).
Tag-line: "He'll burn you cold."
Best one-liner: "This reminds me of my father's last words: 'Don't son, that gun is loaded!'"

Vast, ominous technological forces seem to have aligned against your experiencing my recommendation of STONE COLD until today. But that's just fine. STONE COLD can wait. It's capable of "burning you cold," anytime, anywhere.

Allow me to paint you a vivid picture. Imagine if a freak industrial accident resulted in the unholy fusion of COBRA, ROAD HOUSE, and DEATH WISH 3 into one movie. Now imagine that this movie is written and directed by ZZ Top in a parallel universe where they went to film school instead of recording hit songs like "Tush." Now imagine that it stars ex-NFLer-turned-thespian Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, and you have a rudimentary concept of what the STONE COLD experience is like.

Let me put it this way– within the first five minutes of this film, we have Ritz crackers getting machine-gunned to hell,


a poor man's Tom Cruise taking a girl with massive orthodontia hostage and telling her to keep quiet, "TINSEL TEETH!",

we have The Boz (clad in a leather-fetish-wear version of Sherlock Holmes' jacket-cape and possessing an incredible two-tone, wavy-molded mullet) calmly shopping for bananas,

then the bad guys taken care of by The Boz with the aid of several random grocery items (including vegetable oil, pastries, and canned goods), followed by a one-liner about a "clean-up in aisle four,"

a completely ludicrous "bikers behaving badly" montage, whereupon William Forsythe gets William Tell'd and basks in the pinwheeling glory of gun-blasted beer foam,

I'm sure I could come up with a one-liner about too much head in the beer or something, but incidentally, this is only way that Forsythe imbibes, on or off a set.

followed by Forsythe pulling the same trick on another biker with an Uzi, a crazed act which results in a random car explosion and glorious peals of frenzied Forsythe laughter– no sir, this is not garden variety lunacy.

Oh yeah, and in case you've forgotten, I'm still working on the rundown of "things that happen within the first five minutes of STONE COLD." Finally, we're treated to the following tableau, that of a shotgun-toting biker who looks like a Dick Tracy villain

crashing the party at a baptism and blowing away the Reverend

who flies backward twenty feet, through a stained-glass window, revealing an army of bikers, poised to take over the US of A, one defenseless pastor at a time.

Why, you ask? Hmmm... Well, you know what, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your mind isn't even capable of asking 'why' at this point– there is literally so much shit happening, you're liable to bust a synapse or risk an aneurysm if you try to do anything except allow the glory of STONE COLD to wash over you.

So let's talk about "The Boz." I'm reasonably certain that no one has ever risked brain injury while contemplating "The Boz." "The Boz" plays one tough cop who's on suspension for, typically, being too good at his job. But while the dangerous biker gang/army/nation The Brotherhood roams the American Southeast, no one is safe. Before you can say "You've logged more biker-related arrests than any other officer in Alabama," "The Boz" is recruited by the FBI,

who are represented as a bunch of square-headed pencil-necks who definitely aren't cool or tuff enuff to infiltrate a dangerous biker gang on their own. Now The Boz's acting expertise lies somewhere between "child excited to be starring in a home movie" and "Rowdy Roddy Piper," and as far as I'm concerned, that's a good thing. You can sense a genuine, babyish excitement beneath everything that he does: he is damn happy to be in this movie, and consequently, you are damn happy to be watching him.

BEHOLD: The Boz constructing a zany milkshake out of bananas, candy bars, and random bric-a-brac

So that's what the bananas were for!

which he feeds to his pet Komodo dragon! And, of course, he does it all in macabre exercise-wear perhaps purloined from the set of PERFECT.


GAZE UPON: Lance Henriksen's performance as "Chains," the master of The Brotherhood. "Chains" should probably have gone by the name of "Chuckles" because the ratio of Lance Henriksen giggling malevolently to that of Lance Henriksen beating people with chains is approximately eight-hundred thousand to zero.

Seriously, Chains' main character trait is indeed to react to nearly everything with near-psychotic glee and the accompanying degree of bemused chuckling. Lance, naturally, manages to make this work beautifully, and delivers another nuanced, genuine, scary-good performance.

Highlights include Lance's secret biker handshake, soon followed by the threat to "peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit!"

Lance laying waste to a courtroom while wearing a priest's cassock (which naturally makes me think of Rutger Hauer's priest disguises in SURVIVING THE GAME and WEDLOCK),

and use of priceless, well-delivered Henriksen one-liners such as "TAKE THAT FUCKEN HARMONICA DOWN THE PARKING LOT, MAN!!!" and "WELCOME TO MY SLAUGHTERHOUSE!"


SEE: William Forsythe in rare form (though not quite eclipsing his no-holds-barred portrayal in OUT FOR JUSTICE), brawling like a nut-kicking madman,

and calling out The Boz for what he is:


BE SUBJECTED TO: Involuntary and generally shameful personal displays of head-banging, courtesy of a soundtrack featuring selections by "Saigon Kick," "Wire Train", "Cryer," "Martin Block," and sweet God in heaven, "The Doobie Brothers."

BEAR WITNESS TO: More unnecessary biker lady nudity per capita than in any comparable film, nearly as many senseless car explosions as in DEATH WISH 3, a club named "Club Salsa" (shades of Club...SALSA?), a man flinging a switchblade into the buttcheeks of a pin-up photo...of buttcheeks, bikers showering a fallen comrade in Jack Daniels and Domino's pizza; and a man shot off of a motorcycle as he rides through a marble colonnade in the hallway of a statehouse building, whereupon the motorcycle flies out the window and takes out a helicopter, which falls to its fiery death and explodes some vehicles on the ground.

Yes, this is a five star movie, and yes, I will defend this ruling to the death. I never knew I could be burned so cold.

-Sean Gill

Television Review: THE A-TEAM– "TAXICAB WARS" (1983, Gilbert M. Shilton)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 60 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Mr. T, George Peppard, Dwight Schultz, Dirk Benedict, Ernie Hudson, Michael Ironside, Brion James, Donald Gibb.
Tag-line: "Heroes for hire."
Best one-liner: “If I catch you talkin’ to your socks, I’m gonna split your personality- PERMANENTLY!”

So the first Ironside week will come to a close with a 1983 TV episode that is extremely peculiar for a number of reasons:

This one is a real head-scratcher. It’s a second season episode of THE A-TEAM entitled “Taxicab Wars.” The A-Team is brought in to help out a small cab company facing off against ruthless, bloodthirsty rivals. This episode aired November 1, 1983. But then, there’s a film: D.C. CAB, directed by Joel Schumacher.

It was released about a month later on December 16, 1983. It, like THE A-TEAM, stars Mr. T, and features whacky rival cab companies. Furthermore, both feature incredible, eclectic casts that seem to represent some incredible astronomical convergence– “Taxicab Wars,” in addition to the A-TEAM regulars, features terrific character-y guests like Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson, Donald Gibb, and Brion James. D.C. CAB features mind-blowing actors and personalities like Gary Busey, Irene Cara (singer of “Fame”), The Barbarian Brothers, Bill Maher, and Bob Zmuda (Andy Kaufman’s partner in crime).

So which came first, the chicken or the egg? “Taxicab Wars” or D.C. CAB? Conventional wisdom would suggest that the film, D.C. CAB, had a longer production schedule and thus had been in the pipeline longer, but who knows? Maybe they wanted to do “Taxicab Wars” for season 1 of THE A-TEAM, and T was like “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re only DOIN’ it, if we can do it RIGHT!” and then it got pushed back? The only common ties between the two projects are the plotline and the presence of Mr. T, aside from the fact that THE A-TEAM aired on NBC, and D.C. CAB was distributed by Universal…hmmm. Perhaps these two oddities were the result of some cigar-smoke-filled backroom deal, but to what end? So that Americans would begin to subconsciously associate Mr. T with whackiness and taxicabs? He was already associated with whackiness, so why taxicabs? I don’t think we can guess the fat-cats’ motivations all that easily, but I can tell you that these were definitely nefarious motivations, based on what they try to do to Ironside. More on that in a bit.

Everything that happens in a regular A-TEAM episode happens here. There’s lots of violence but no injuries, the black van gets to peel around some corners with tires squealing, Mr. T gets to do some zany shit, George Peppard gets to don a silly disguise, Dwight Schultz gets to act like an obnoxious lunatic, Dirk Benedict gets to have a half-assed pseudo-romance, etc., etc. Basically, it’s a live action SCOOBY DOO. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes that’s a great thing, and sometimes it’s an extremely grating thing. I guess that’s part of the charm.

We begin with Ernie Hudson, playing a likable cab dispatcher. Wonder if he got the gig through Ironside based on their SPACEHUNTER collaboration, if it was the other way around, or if it was just a coincidence.

Hudson’s “Lone Star Taxi Co.” is engaging in a battle of wills with Michael Ironside’s “Love Cabs.” They are both ‘generals’ in this taxicab war, if you will. Hudson tries to coordinate his last two cabs in an attempt to pick up a fare. It backfires, and Ironside lets Lone Star know that he’s not fucking around- he kidnaps and brutally beats the rival cabbie infringing on his turf, then torches the car! Plus, he employs an army of ex-cons to do his dirty work! Damn!

Their cab torched, Ernie Hudson ruefully muses- “File this business under ‘nice try.’ Too bad we couldn’t get a hold of the A-Team…” Well, what do you suppose happens next?

Anyway, we get to spend some time with Ironside and his gang, which includes Donald Gibb (‘Ogre’ from REVENGE OF THE NERDS, ‘Ripper’ in JOCKS, ‘Mad Dog’ in MEATBALLS PART 2, and ‘Ray Jackson’ in Golan-Globus’ BLOODSPORT) and Brion James (‘Leon’ in BLADE RUNNER, SOUTHERN COMFORT, RED HEAT, CHERRY 2000, HOUSE III, TANGO & CASH, etc.), who you have to admit are pretty amazing henchmen for a guest star on THE A-TEAM.

Gibb looks like he just strolled off the set of a Golan-Globus production, whereas James looks like he just left the set of Friedkin's CRUISING– is that a leather beret?!

Anyway, Ironside is lecturing his team, when–

wait a second– do I see–

is that– no, it can't be–

LIPSTICK? BLUSH? EYE-LINER? Ho-ly shit, what are they doing to Ironside?! I realize this is TV, but what were they thinking? Is this part of some sinister stuffed-shirts’ plot to make Ironside seem less manly? Or is there something else at play? Upon further study, it appears that Ironside's trademark scar (supposedly from walking through a plate-glass window while drunk) looks fresher than usual. NBC thought they could cover it up? If that’s the case, they went overboard with the concealer, yet didn’t succeed in concealing the wound. Perhaps this will remain a mystery for the ages.

In the meantime, the A-Team hooks up with Lone Star and begins to wage their war against Love Cabs. This involves a lot of Hannibal (Peppard) dressing up as a cowboy, Mr. T aggressively gathering fares (and beating up Donald Gibb), and Murdock (Schultz) doing this really fucking annoying ‘Captain Cab’ routine that involves a sock puppet.

The writers even realize how infuriating the whole ‘Captain Cab’ thing is, because Mr. T frequently threatens him– “This is my talking fist- his name is KNOCKOUT!”

“If I catch you talkin’ to your socks, I’m gonna split your personality- PERMANENTLY!”

Anyway, the A-Team pulls an offensive on Ironside’s lawn. Peppard infiltrates his estate, dressed as the “cowboy mogul.”

Ironside does not react well to Peppard dressed as a cowboy mogul.

But he reacts even less well to the A-Team fucking up his garden furniture:



Ironside: “THIS GUY WANTS …A WAR?!?!?!”

Things begin to spiral out of control. The opposing sides shoot up a bunch of cars,

and then Mr. T builds a homemade tank, which he uses to chase around Ironside. I can’t make this shit up.


Ironside looks most like Jack Nicholson when he's being chased around by Mr. T's homemade tank.

Murdock becomes so tiresome that I was hoping Ironside would eat him alive. No such luck.

Taking the whole 'Captain Cab' thing a bit too far. Murdock sure knows how to crank up the funny.

Ironside ends up having to surrender, but at least he does it fashionably, wearing a three-piece suit.

Ignominious defeat at the hands of live action cartoon characters.

It was a nice try, Ironside, but I guess this is what happens when you go up against the A-Team.

Gilbert M. Shilton, director of this episode, went on to direct Ironside again in three episodes of V and one episode of RAY BRADBURY THEATER, so they must’ve gotten along well. Also of note, Richard Christian Matheson (writer of THREE O’ CLOCK HIGH, frequent Tobe Hooper TV collaborator, and son of sci-fi master Richard Matheson) worked as a story editor on this episode, and Craig R. Baxley (director of ACTION JACKSON and STONE COLD, stuntman on PREDATOR and THE WARRIORS) was the second unit director on this episode. So clearly, there’s a lot going on here.

In all, a fine episode of the A-TEAM and a prime example of vintage Ironside. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: ACTION JACKSON (1988, Craig R. Baxley)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Carl Weathers, Sharon Stone, Vanity, Craig T. Nelson, Robert Davi (SHARKY'S MACHINE, THE GOONIES), Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from BACK TO THE FUTURE), Sonny Landham.
Tag-line: "NAME: Jericho Jackson. NICKNAME: "Action." HOME: Detroit. PROFESSION: Cop. EDUCATION: Harvard Law. HOBBY: Fighting Crime. WEAPON: You're looking at 'em."

Best exchange: Craig T. Nelson: "You have this nickname - what is it, excitement, enthusiasm, esprit de corps...?
Carl Weathers as ACTION JACKSON: [cutting him off] -It's ACTION!

Though COACH is merely being facetious, I feel as if ESPRIT DE CORPS JACKSON would have been a film well worth seeing.

"How ya like your ribs?" FOOOOOOOOOOSSSSH. Carl Weathers just roasted a dude with a flamethrower. Watching this film is kind of like peering into an alternate dimension where Carl Weathers, not Schwarzenegger, Stallone, nor Gibson, was king of the 80's action flick.

Weathers is a benevolent monarch in this dimension, and ACTION JACKSON is just one work in his enviable oeuvre. Unfortunately, in our dimension, after ACTION JACKSON, Weathers was no longer seen as a qualified driver of star vehicles. In my mind, however, Weathers justifies his legend yet again. Weathers IS Action Jackson. He is a graduate of Harvard Law School who frequently disregards the limits of acceptable use of police force. Like this one time he jumped over a taxi that was trying to kill him. And this other time he proved his mettle in a fight the DVD chapter stops called: "Getting Ballsy in the Poolroom." Once he drove a sports car through a black-tie affair, wrecked it, and then started whaling on dudes- just to make an entrance. Craig T. Nelson is evil incarnate. At one point, you get to see him kung fu fighting Weathers as they both don tuxedos.



Vanity finally gets to show off her years of vigorous training under Stanislavski and Prince. Sharon Stone's around, too, but she's playing second fiddle to Vanity, which I think marked the last time anyone or anything was playing second fiddle to Vanity. All in all, a solid flick. I mean it's no TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. or LETHAL WEAPON, or even a KUFFS, or even a RED HEAT or a DEAD HEAT. Actually, I'm kind of puzzled as to why I gave this four stars. Oh, yeah. Carl Weathers. "How ya like your ribs?" FOOOOOOOOOOSSSSH.


Important side note: note the eerie similarities in cover art between ACTION JACKSON and BLIND DATE.

-Sean Gill