Only now does it occur to me... TITANIC

Only now does it occur to me...  that the true enduring star of TITANIC is not Celine Dion, Kate Winslet's boobs

or Bill Paxton's wicked, pirate-y earring.

No, the true stars are the expressive, Svengali-ish, and immaculately waxed eyebrows of one William G. Zane, Esquire:

Now I hadn't seen TITANIC since in theaters way back in '97, and because my interest in The Zane Factor had been so amply reawakened by TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, I decided to give it another go.  As "Caledon Hockley," the moneyed gadabout in pursuit of villainy and a loveless marriage to Kate Winslet, Billy Zane gives one of the bitchiest, most cattily malevolent performances ever to grace a mainstream film that didn't star Joan Crawford or Faye Dunaway.  

Here he is using the whites of Kate's eyes to admire his own reflection:

  

 I dare you to prove me wrong.  That's totally what he's doing:

 

He dismisses Monet and Picasso as "fingerpainters":

Tries to buy off the man (DiCaprio) who saved his wife-to-be with a crisp twenty-dollar bill:

He judges you with judgey eyebrows:

 

Offers smarm-infused false comfort as the ship goes down:

 

 Goes full "Tim Curry" for a segment where he's a gun-toting madman:

 

Steals babies to get on lifeboats:

 

He steals scenes he's not even really in:

 

[And somewhere amongst all this Zanery (hey, "zaniness" was already taken) apparently there's an epic romance and a sinking ship, but that's really more of a subplot.]

He's even got one of the all-time great villains and fellow TWIN PEAKS alum David Warner (TIME BANDITS, TRON, STRAW DOGS, TIME AFTER TIME, MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE) as his henchman.  When David Warner is playing second fiddle to you– goddamn, you're doing something right!  One of my favorite moments is this wonderful bit where Warner catches Leo and Kate doing some unauthorized folk-dancing hanky-pankery:

His disapproving look is worth at least three AVATARS.  

BONUS!:  Also of note to Cameron aficionados– there's two great ALIENS references.

1.   Legendary badass Space Marine Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein) shows up as an immigrant mother from the lower decks

comforting small and adorable children (instead of using a swivel-mounted minigun to rain death and destruction on those blocking her access to the lifeboats).

2.  When Kate Winslet gives Billy Zane the ole' spit-in-the-eye treatment, instead of saliva, they used K-Y Jelly:

 

 

Incidentally, they also used K-Y in ALIENS to make the Alien Queen look like the world's most terrifying, lacquered sex toy.  To hear Zane talk about it (and the 27 traumatic takes therein) on OPRAH, go here, to the eleven minute mark.

Film Review: MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE (1987, Jimmy Huston)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 89 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Robert Sean Leonard (DEAD POETS SOCIETY, THE LAST DAYS OF DISCO), Kathy Bates, David Warner (TRON, TIME BANDITS), Rene Auberjonois (EYES OF LAURA MARS, WALKER, BREWSTER MCCLOUD), Cheryl Pollak (PUMP UP THE VOLUME).
Tag-line: None I could find.
Best one-liner: "This blood's for you!"

MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE is kinda like an 89 minute Halloween episode of a nondescript 80's sitcom, but this sort of thing is not without its charms. I'd say on the 80's-o-meter, it's somewhere between THE WORST WITCH and TEEN WOLF TOO, and I'll leave it up to you to decide which is the high end and which is the low end of that scale, not that it even matters. The plot is this: Robert Sean Leonard (DEAD POETS SOCIETY, TAPE) becomes a teenage vampire after an encounter that's about as erotic as the 'corn seduction' scene from TROLL 2.

Creedence Leonore Gielgud, is that you?

Next thing you know, he's slurping raw meat milkshakes and receiving tutelage from centuries-old vampire (Rene Auberjonois of WALKER and BREWSTER MCLOUD) named Modoc.

Robert Sean and Rene purse their lips in preparation for a scene where they must take the name 'Modoc' seriously.

His mom & dad think he's gay, and, given its Texas locale, I guess the moral is that your average parent would rather their kid be an undead bloodsucker than a "homo?" Ah, well. The story is unfolded from the point-of-view of our newly-anointed ghoul, and not from the POV of his d-bag best friend, thus making the title problematic, but, you know what, let's not split hairs here. The film adheres to the rule that every teen movie must have a zany driver's ed scene, features a 'car coasting on two wheels scene' one year before TWINS, and has liberal use of Timbuk 3's "The Future's So Bright (I Gotta Wear Shades)," which everyone knows is the most essential ode to tinted eyewear since Corey Hart's "Sunglasses at Night." Cheryl Pollak (PUMP UP THE VOLUME) is the nerdy love interest (code for a total model babe in dorky glasses) and Kathy Bates has a bit part as her mom.

Hang in there, Kathy, MISERY is right around the corner.

David Warner phones it in as the Van Helsing-type, and he's completely aware that he's in something that's only a half-step up from an After School Special.

David Warner mentally compares his career's trajectory with that of Roddy McDowall's.

Basically, all you need to know is that there's a scene where Leonard and Auberjonois clink beer cans full of blood and toast: "This blood's for you!"



I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that it all ends on a kooky freeze frame:

This kooky freeze frame, no less.

Three stars.

-Sean Gill

2009 Halloween Countdown OVERFLOW

1. [•REC] (2007, Jaume Balagueró & Paco Plaza)
2. THE MANITOU (1978, William Girdler)
3. SLEEPWALKERS (1992, Mick Garris)
4. CUTTING CARDS (1990, Walter Hill)
5. THE LEOPARD MAN (1943, Jacques Tourneur)
6. MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE (1987, Jimmy Huston)
7.
...

Film Review: STRAIGHT TIME (1978, Ulu Grosbard)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 114 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Writers Eddie Bunker, Jeffrey Boam (THE LOST BOYS, INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE), and an uncredited Michael Mann. Starring Dustin Hoffmann, Harry Dean Stanton, Gary Busey, Kathy Bates, Jake Busey, M. Emmet Walsh, Theresa Russell. Damn, what a cast!
Tag-line: "Please God, don't let him get caught."

STRAIGHT TIME is yet another one of those excellent, underrated crime dramas that seemed to flow so effortlessly out of the 1970's. Based on Eddie Bunker's novel NO BEAST SO FIERCE, it's a rumination on a life lived in and out of institutions: compelled to submit to Draconian rules and forced to undergo humiliation after humiliation until the core is so deadened that nothing even matters any more.

'Prison' and 'freedom' become just two sides of the same fucked-up coin to him. Bunker's work is completely earnest and always has the ring of truth to it- there are no one-dimensional characters here, and it's exceptionally well-acted.

Bunker in a brief role as, basically, himself.

Dustin Hoffman (who, from accounts, co-directed, and originally bought the film rights to Bunker's novel) is our recently-released career thief who genuinely sets out with the intention of going straight. M. Emmet Walsh is the slimy parole officer with an occasional glimmer of 'straight talk' humanity, but who ultimately enjoys being a cog in a wheel of a rotten system.

Gary Busey is a shaggy old buddy who appears to lead a squeaky-clean life (with long-suffering wife Kathy Bates and real-life son, Jake), but who's ready to cook up some H in a spoon as soon as the missus turns her back.

Theresa Russell is a spunky temp agency clerk who strikes up rapport and romance with our hero.

Even at the tender age of 20, Russell possesses the presence and depth of an actress far beyond her years: I'm reminded of Lauren Bacall storming the industry at 19 with complete poise and assurance- Russell's truly one of the greats. And she does her thing in a role that now, in 2009, would be a complete throwaway 'girlfriend' part. Harry Dean Stanton plays a sidekick who's as at home singing "Hand Me Down My Walking Cane" with an acoustic guitar as he is terrorizing a bank with a sawed-off shotgun.

"How was I, was I good?" -"You scared the shit outta me!"

Every character seems like a real person- there's no 'too cool' antiheroes or satanic bad guys, and that's, in short, why it works.

For more of Bunker's potent artistry, see RUNAWAY TRAIN and ANIMAL FACTORY.

-Sean Gill

Television Review: THE STAND (1994, Mick Garris)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 366 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Mick Garris (CRITTERS 2, THE SHINING TV remake, creator of Showtime's MASTERS OF HORROR), Ed Harris, Kathy Bates, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Stephen King, Gary Sinise, Jamey Sheridan (THE ICE STORM), Miguel Ferrer (Albert on TWIN PEAKS), Sam Anderson (Bernard on LOST), Corin Nemec, Molly Ringwald, Ossie Davis (interestingly enough, in a role for whom I always pictured Clu Gulager), Ruby Dee, Rob Lowe, Rick Aviles, Laura San Giacomo (JUST SHOOT ME), Bill Fagerbakke (QUIGLEY), Warren Frost (Dr. Hayward on TWIN PEAKS), John Landis, Sam Raimi.
Tag-lines: "The end of the world is just the beginning."
Best one-liner(s): "Don't screw with my disco, Nadine!"

Wow. This is truly a travesty. This is an unadulterated, horrid mess. I don't truly consider myself to be Stephen King fan, but I would rank his novel, THE STAND, among the best works of literature of the 20th Century's latter half. It's epic, poignant, funny, and REAL; it's both pulp entertainment and serious art. It builds a tapestry of well-developed characters and vivid locales, and when it's finished, you feel as if some new friends have just departed. Now this film, by Mick Garris, is another entity entirely. It has about as much to do with King's THE STAND as DUMB AND DUMBER has to do with Dostoevsky's THE IDIOT. I blame Garris and his handlers. Horror master George Romero was planning a feature film based on THE STAND, but, for whatever unfortunate reason, it never panned out. And we can't blame the casting director; Gary Sinise, Jamey Sheridan, Miguel Ferrer, Ossie Davis, Sam Anderson, Ray Walston, Ed Harris, and Kathy Bates (the latter two, unfortunately, in cameos) deliver absolutely brilliant performances amidst the carnage, and Rick Aviles chillingly shines as the "Rat Man." However, Molly Ringwald's long lost whatever she had in the 80's, Rob Lowe's slightly out of place, and Corin Nemec's fake pimples are not enough to make me believe he's the completely repulsive 'Harold Lauter.' In fact, he's probably one of the most handsome actors in the cast. The film stock is terrible, and is constantly changing resolutions, sometimes from film to video, and I know that this is inherent in the elements and not the fault of the DVD.

I shall sum up the majority of my problems with the film with the description of one brief, climactic element. I don't want to give anything away, but a key sequence involves, shall we say, a visualization of 'The Hand of God.' What Garris spews forth is FAR worse than:

A. Nothing at all
B. A title card that says 'Hand of God,
C. A hand waved in front of the camera lens.
D. This.

Yes, dear Readers, it's even worse than THIS.

Mick Garris has transformed a work of extreme power, emotion, and import into something not even worth a good laugh. Perhaps a whimper, or maybe a scoff. Two stars (for Ed Harris).

-Sean Gill