Only now does it occur to me... UNFAITHFUL

Only now does it occur to me...  Balloon Saloon!  Allow me to explain. 
So I've been on a Adrian Lyne rewatch kick and I finally got around to watching UNFAITHFUL, his surprisingly faithful (no joke intended) remake of Claude Chabrol's 1969 film, THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE.  I enjoyed it quite a bit, and the performances– particularly by Diane Lane and Richard Gere (the AMERICAN GIGOLO himself playing the cuckold in a piece of genius casting)– are incredibly in tune with one another, and subtle even in the midst of scenes that nearly ring "soap opera." 
The film begins with Diane Lane exiting a shop and entering a windstorm of Biblical proportions– or at least Bugs Bunny cartoon proportions.  She is hefted to and fro by the winds until she melodramatically meets a dangerously handsome Frenchman whereupon the titular unfaithfulness is set into motion.  Let me back up a moment– about that shop:

 It is a balloon saloon.

 
 


And I guarantee you this is the only time in film you will see Diane Lane battered about by giant balloon dinosaurs and zebras.



Even better, I recognized the balloon saloon from semi-frequent trips to Tribeca.
 
 Imagine it!  A bar where you can get balloons as well!  Alas, my dreams were dashed when I entered the establishment and discovered that it was simply a party center.  I craned my neck to look behind the counter with the helium tanks and the ribbon cutting station, hoping to spy a glimpse of a lonely tap of "Balloon Saloon Lager," but there was no such luck.  I'm still holding out hope that there's a back room speakeasy, accessible by password, which contains a portal to the clown bar from SHAKES THE CLOWN.  We can all dream, can't we?

By the way, J.D. over at Radiator Heaven did a great writeup on this film some time ago, too, if you want to read an informed opinion on something other than the Balloon Saloon.

Film Review: ONE CRAZY SUMMER (1986, Savage Steve Holland)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: John Cusack (BETTER OFF DEAD, SAY ANYTHING), Demi Moore (ABOUT LAST NIGHT, STRIPTEASE), Joel Murray (SHAKES THE CLOWN, HATCHET), William Hickey (TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, PRIZZI'S HONOR), Bobcat Goldthwait (SHAKES THE CLOWN, POLICE ACADEMY 2), Curtis Armstrong (BETTER OFF DEAD, QUIGLEY, RISKY BUSINESS), Bruce Wagner (co-writer of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3 and SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS), Taylor Negron (THE LAST BOY SCOUT, STUART LITTLE), John Matuszak (THE GOONIES, THE ICE PIRATES, CAVEMAN), Donald Li (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN).
Tag-line: "They're out of school, out on Nantucket, and out of their minds. With this crowd, anything can happen!"
Best one-liner: "Oh, thank you, I think I will have some cookies-aehah!" (said by Bobcat Goldthwait).

Though I am somewhat unnerved by the terrible, tooth-clenching grimace which pulls taut the hideous, ruddy skin of the summer sun's face as depicted on ONE CRAZY SUMMER's one-sheet, I shall suck it up and attempt to soberly discuss the film on this chilly January evening. (Why does the sun have to wear SUNglasses?) For better or for worse, ONE CRAZY SUMMER certainly bears the whacky stamp of its creator: the 'auteur' Savage Steve Holland, who was the brains behind such irreverent flickery as BETTER OFF DEAD and HOW I GOT INTO COLLEGE.

This is the story of aspiring cartoonist Hoops Mcann (John Cusack) and his eponymous one crazy (Nantucket) summer. That's pretty much all you need to know. You'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll wince. This is Savage Steve Holland's style. He throws everything at you (including the kitchen sink) in the hopes that something will stick. That something will strike your funny bone. A lot of it will miss, oh God, so much of it will miss- but, whether by chance, by sheer persistence, or by simply grinding me down into delirious oblivion, he earned himself a few bulls-eyes. And those bulls-eyes, clichéd as they may be, are what I shall discuss.

ONE CRAZY SUMMER abides by many of the unwritten rules and regulations of 1980's cinema. I have no idea if it was from some anonymous cigar-smoke filled room that these filmic laws were handed down, but somebody, somewhere decreed that a certain quota of these had to be fulfilled, and ONE CRAZY SUMMER, like so many others, was ready and willing to comply.

#1. Villainous vanity plates. Sometimes heroes get vanity plates (Stallone's AWESOM50 in COBRA, for one), but villains just got to have 'em.


#2. The 80's rule of pools. If A., a swimming pool exists, then B., someone fully clothed must be pushed into it, arms flailing. If condition A. is not met and condition C., the presence of a cake, is, then again undertake result B.

KER-SPLOOSH

#3. If the criteria and conditions for a "makeover" or "shopping" montage do not exist, then a "fix-'em-up" montage must take their place, and the duration must be uncomfortably long.

Note Demi Moore's stylin' pants (foreground).
#4. If a role demands the an expertise that only Clint Howard can deliver, yet he's just a little too old to pull off the role, then Curtis Armstrong (left) must be cast in his stead.



#5. If A., Bobcat Goldthwait is available, B. this is not a POLICE ACADEMY film, and C., ...uh, aw, fuck it, just let him do that voice-thing, that growl, you know what talking about. The high-pitched, wailing-growl thing. AeeeEEEEehaAAAAaa. Yeah, that.


#6. Something about Mark Metcalf and crazy-eye and a 'stache and lobsters and 80's rich kid villains having even more villainous fathers. I can't remember the rest of this law, but I know Metcalf's 'lobster-hating-lobster-restauranteur' somehow is the logical response to Charles Durning's 'frog-hating-frog-leg-restauranteur' in THE MUPPET MOVIE. And if that wasn't enough, they make him a land developer, too. I think he maybe wandered away from the set of a Golan-Globus flick? He easily could've done the Ed Lauter role in DEATH WISH 3 or the John P. Ryan role in RUNAWAY TRAIN or even the Christopher George role in ENTER THE NINJA, but I digress.



#7. If there's one Asian guy hanging around (this time it's Donald Li from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA), and it doesn't look like he has too big a part, then he's going to be the payoff of some joke involving nerdiness, Ping-Pong, Godzilla, or some such nonsense.


To be fair, this gag (involving Bobcat Goldthwait in a Godzilla costume running wild all over the aforementioned real-estate developer's scale model at a banquet designed to impress Asian investors) is pretty inspired, and one which was recycled in a third-season episode of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

#8. Somebody's gotta be in a band. It doesn't matter who. How about Demi Moore? Yeah, okay, Demi Moore will be in a band.



#9. And just every 80's movie must introduce me to a new hero. Or reintroduce to me to an old one. Here, we've got John Matuszak, ex-NFLer, two time Super Bowl winner, 9th place in the 1978 World's Strongest Man competition, the man behind the makeup as 'Sloth' in the GOONIES, 'Tonda' in CAVEMAN, 'Killjoy' in THE ICE PIRATES, and author of an autobiography entitled CRUISIN' WITH THE 'TOOZ!

I guess it took his role as 'Stain' in ONE CRAZY SUMMER to make me realize that all these great and disparate achievements belonged to a single man. So you can imagine the cruel blow dealt to my burgeoning fandom when I realized that he died of heart failure at the age of 38 (in 1989).

I submit the following images as a testament to his two-minute role as 'Stain,' which is certainly the highlight of ONE CRAZY SUMMER's parade of zaniness. 'Stain' is a purple-spiked-hair motorcycle punk whose entire character is based on the fact that he is a big, big man who loves him some money but hates getting dunked in water. They don't make 'em like this anymore. And when they do, they're always missing the charm and inspired casting choices typified here by Mr. Matuszak:






R.I.P., Tooz.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: SHAKES THE CLOWN (1991, Bobcat Goldthwait)

Stars: 3.75 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Bobcat Goldthwait, Tom Kenny (HOW I GOT INTO COLLEGE, the voice of SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS), Adam Sandler, Robin Williams, Kathy Griffin, Julie Brown (BLOODY BIRTHDAY, EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY), Paul Dooley (DEATH WISH, SIXTEEN CANDLES), Florence Henderson, LaWanda Page (ZAPPED!, Aunt Esther on SANFORD AND SON). Costumes by Stephen M. Chudej (WEDLOCK, RAISING ARIZONA, TAPEHEADS, ANGEL TOWN).
Tag-line: "Loved by children. Desired by women. Adored by bartenders everywhere."
Best one-liner: "You didn't see nothing old man. We're just five happy party clowns, sitting down to a plate of beef. White, powdery, beef." or maybe "Shakes- take a bath, will ya?"

Shakes the Clown. SHAKES THE CLOWN. He's here, he's in your space, he's in your face, he's crashin' at your place, and it's just too late to do anything about it. He already drank half your beers, soiled your sheets, and has intimately acquainted himself with your lavatory. I guess this is par for the course when you live in Palookaville, U.S.A. and choose to tussle with the crass, colorful, 'n caddish clown cliques. But Shakes is the best of 'em. He's our hero.

MYTH: To quote Martin Scorsese (!), SHAKES THE CLOWN is the CITIZEN KANE of substance-abusing clown movies.
FACT: SHAKES THE CLOWN is the FRANKENHOOKER or substance-abusing clown movies.

Taking place in an irreverent, psuedo-noirish universe, SHAKES THE CLOWN is Bobcat Goldthwait's satire on the catty cabal that was L.A.'s stand-up comedy scene in the late 80's and early 90's, though I feel as if it could certainly be applied to just about any bitchy subculture, with in-crowds, unnecessary intrigue, watery self-importance, and behavior becoming of twelve-year-old girls. Shakes (Bobcat himself) is having a hard time dealing with the pressure, the drama, the drug abuse, the schoolyard antics- and so he lives on the fringe, an alcoholic clown with low self-esteem and a penchant for swirling around the bottom of the barrel.

Our film begins with a dog- clad in a paper party hat- scarfing down some congealed, day-old pizza as a record skips interminably in the background. A floozy (Florence Henderson!) with smeared lipstick and a torn slip is passed out on a couch amidst a sea of empty beer bottles.

And is that a lei?

A groggy child wanders by on his way to the bathroom, and, failing to espy Shakes' comatose body on the tiled floor, lets loose with a stream of urine which, naturally, showers Shakes' face in a demeaning, grotesque display.

You are on the same page as Shakes- distraught, befuddled, wondering how it's come to this. We're less than two minutes in, Shakes is hitting the bottle, and you don't blame him. You can't blame him. What a world. Next, he's applying his whiteface in a ramshackle, yellowed gas station restroom, ready to zip off to some kid's birthday party. A game of hide-and-go-seek becomes an opportunity to raid the liquor cabinet.

It's like a circus-tinged version of WITHNAIL & I. In an era where comedies were becoming a little too self-aware, too awkwardly 'dark,' and too self-congratulatory, SHAKES THE CLOWN is that rare early 90's black comedy that (mostly) works! Though Bobcat is not above introducing the occasional groan-inducing misfire of a joke or setpiece, it's imbued with a genuine slice-of-life sincerity that sees it through.

You want zany saxophone action? You got it. You want a brutal double low-blow delivered to nettlesome clown flunkies? Comin' right up.

You want Kathy Griffin? A peculiar request, but SHAKES THE CLOWN is ready and willing to oblige you.

You want clown-on-mime violence? All yours. Paul Dooley beaten to death by dope-addled clowns? Knock yourself out. One-liners like, "I bet you were a big hit in lock-up...your checkered pants around your ankles..." We aim to please. THIS tableau?:

It's all here. How generous of you, SHAKES THE CLOWN- you're a veritable cornucopia of clown-related oddities and horrors.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe: "Everybody loves a clown...so why don't I?" Shakes spends a great deal of the film hanging with his buddies (including a surprisingly bearable 1991 Adam Sander!) and deflecting their attempts at intervention. On one such occasion, while touring the town in a convertible, Shakes deflects their admonishment by offering everyone beers, which leads to a Kenny Loggins-style montage set to a tune named "Me and the Boys" (See also: TOP GUN's "Playin' with the Boys").


Again and again, he's confronted regarding his alcohol problem and diffuses the situation by offering dudes beers, or by raising a toast to sobriety.

Then, despite mounting obstacles relating to substance abuse, Shakes is framed for the murder of a mentor by Tom Kenny's diabolical Binky, which leads to Shakes' undercover stint as a mime aerobics instructor alongside (again, surprisingly bearable for 1991) Robin Williams who went uncredited in his typically loopy role.

Possibly the only scene in film history to combine these two favorite diversions: Bobcat Goldthwait and PERFECT.

But I must take a moment to speak about Tom Kenny's performance as the villainous Binky.

The man, usually confined to voice-over roles (like SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS), is a very physical actor with a great look- clearly he was destined to one day play a venemous clown baddie. And he plays it with ghoulish, snakelike, irresistible aplomb- tossing knives, doin' dope, and laughing boisterously for the duration. He is the self-assured, monstrously Machiavellian clown of your nightmares- so get ready for some sleepless nights.

The technical elements are very strong, too: Stephen M. Chudej's candy-colored costume design heightens the almost otherworldliness of this noirish carnival, Bobby Bukowski and Elliot Davis' cinematography is as wide-angled and disorienting as an inebriate clown's night on the town, and Tom Scott's musical score is sax-heavy and down n' dirty (or is that redundant?).

And in one final side note, I must point out a detail which I really appreciated- during the "This is a rodeo clown bar, and you ain't rodeo clowns!" scene, the sign at the bar- 'The Broken Saddle' is accentuated by an actual man in a barrel, raising and lowering himself mechanically so as to appear like an animatronic.

It adds the proper bit of eerie, Lynchian flair to the scene and really pulls it all together. Anyway- and make sure you're sitting down, I suppose- for the reasons I've outlined, I have to give SHAKES THE CLOWN nearly four stars. Let the outcry commence!

-Sean Gill

Film Review: TAPEHEADS (1988, Bill Fishman)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.

Running Time: 93 minutes.

Tag-line: "Let's Get Into Trouble, Baby!"

Notable Cast or Crew: John Cusack, Tim Robbins, Clu Gulager, Susan Tyrrell, Jessica Walter (PLAY MISTY FOR ME, Lucille on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT), Sy Richardson (STRAIGHT TO HELL, REPO MAN), Xander Berkeley (CANDYMAN, TERMINATOR 2), Don Cornelius (host of SOUL TRAIN), Stiv Bators, Bobcat Goldthwait, 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Jello Biafra, Ted Nugent, Michael Nesmith, Courtney Love, etc. Cinematography by Bojan Bazelli (SURVIVING THE GAME, KING OF NEW YORK, PATTY HEARST). Music by Fishbone.

Best one-liner: "I'm gonna make him eat that syllable!"

If you ever want to see a movie where Clu Gulager (playing a presidential candidate) is alternatingly naked, wrapped in Christmas lights, spanked by Courtney Love, and riding a shaggy-dog leather-daddy costume-clad Susan Tyrrell, then this movie is your 24/7/365 one-stop shop for Gulager perversity (or at least until FUCKING TULSA comes out).

I guarantee you this is better than TRASH HUMPERS.

Being as Gulager (THE KILLERS, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, WONDERLAND COVE) and Tyrrell (FAT CITY, CRY-BABY, FLESH + BLOOD) are the lofty standards by whom I judge all character actors, I enjoyed this thing quite a bit.

Tyrrell + Gulager = cult movie gold.

Presented by Mike Nesmith (former Monkee, producer on REPO MAN, and MTV pioneer), TAPEHEADS is a ludicrous exposé/send-up of the burgeoning MTV scene and the toilet down which it was priming to flush itself. It's far from perfect and the characters are often grating, but it possesses this energetic, anarchistic sensibility which makes it endlessly watchable. Having absurdist comedy and subculture cameos occasionally worthy of a Paul Bartel film doesn't hurt, either.

John Cusack (with oily mustache and a cigarette holder) and Tim Robbins (looking like a precursor to Napoleon Dynamite) play our fledgling entrepreneur heroes as they navigate the sleazy, sycophantic world of video production, from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

to the Frankenstein's monster of a band called 'Menudo.' Along the way, there's everything from Ninja gals, Svankmajer-style stop-motion food,

Was inappropriate, slightly troubling use of stop-motion food written into Cusack's contract? (Also see BETTER OFF DEAD.)

buckets of paint poured on Swedes lip-synching to Devo,

the Busey-worthy line "F.E.A.R.- False Evidence Appearing Real!," to Clu Gulager muttering phrases like "you bet yer sweet ass" and "ya pissant."

Plenty of Gulager eyebrow action, too.

The bit parts are ridiculous- Sy Richardson as a wry bartender,

Stiv Bators as an Alice Cooper knock-off,

Weird Al as himself, Jessica Walter as Clu's long-suffering wife,

Jello Biafra as an FBI man, and a very special appearance by one Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait.

The nostalgia factor is high, from all manner of terrible early 80's video transitions (the 'mirror' effect, overdone pixelation, et al.) to those ubiquitous shots of L.A., which are somehow likably evocative (think Paxton's wandering in FISH HEADS) and vaguely post-apocalyptic (think ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13).

And fans of obsolete video formats should find a lot to like here, too.

Nearly four stars worth of 80's cult movie tomfoolery- but only see it if you're in the mood for that sort of thing.

-Sean Gill