Only now does it occur to me... SNIPER (1993)

Only now does it occur to me...  that SNIPER (1993) might be the live action movie with the most sequels (eight, and counting!) of which I had never before seen a single installment (discounting, perhaps, some Republic serials from the '40s or the deepest cuts from the Full Moon catalogue).

 

Instead of the dopey, straight-to-video-style shoot-em-up I expected, the tone is much more dignified and even has designs of being a moody and artistic "two in the chamber" piece about a morally grey veteran sniper (Tom Berenger––excellent, as usual) who has seen too much death, and his new, underprepared civilian partner.

 

It's about stolen valor, PTSD, indiscriminate killing, civilian blowback, Herzogian madness, and disastrous foreign policy. In essence, it's trying to be more APOCALYPSE NOW than RAMBO III––a point driven home by Berenger looking with disdain at a bus with a RAMBO III mural on it.

 

 

Does it live up to these lofty goals? Well, not exactly. But it's a hell of a lot better than you'd expect. The first five minutes alone are of higher quality than any scene in Clint Eastwood's laughable, fake-baby-wielding Oscar bait, AMERICAN SNIPER (2014).

 

The film's Peruvian director, Luis Llosa, makes a few off-handed critiques about covert CIA military obtrusions in Central and South America,

mostly by using J.T. Walsh as a glib politico-military operator named "Chester Van Damme" (!), but in the end, the film flattens a bit and sides fully with the snipers who are facing off against nuance-lacking, mustache-twirling Noriega and Escobar-style heavies. 

 

Slick and stylish cinematography by Bill Butler (JAWS, GREASE, ROCKY IV) and rousing music by Gary Chang (UNDER SIEGE, MIAMI BLUES) & Hans Zimmer (credited as "additional music by") make this seem much more like a prestige project than its budget and theatrical poster ("One shot... one kill... no exceptions") would imply.

 

To put it in context, it was semi-buried among January 1993 junk like BODY OF EVIDENCE and NOWHERE TO RUN, in a year whose box office headliners would be JURASSIC PARK, CLIFFHANGER, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, FREE WILLY, and THE FIRM.

But there's one element in particular which really takes this movie over the top. This element is an actor, the one playing Berenger's aforementioned and underprepared partner on this mission––an Olympic sharpshooter who has never been involved in a military operation. Someone whom the Toledo Blade might describe as a... "psycho hunk."

That's right––to my ama-Zane-ment, this movie features meaty roles for both Billy Zane and his  withering gaze. Before THE PHANTOM let us know there was no smoking in the Skull Cave, and before his expressive, Svengali-ish, and immaculately waxed eyebrows let us know who was really the "king of the world" in TITANIC, Billy Zane served bitch from the corridors of power in Washington, D.C.

"If looks could kill..."

to the jungles of Panama.
 

"...You'd be lyin' on the floor"

If you think we don't get an extended scene of Billy Zane carefully applying Max Factor camo makeup to the true stars of this movie, you've got another thing coming.

They must've blown their lace-front wig budget in the opening D.C. scenes, because for the rest of the movie it's all hats and Little Edie headscarves.

"Completely covert?"... except for that eyebrow action, maybe

"I'm scared to death of doors, locks, people roaming around in the background, under the trees, in the bushes, I'm absolutely terrified."  ––"Little Edie" Bouvier Beale in GREY GARDENS

Yep, Billy Zane gonna smolder all over this thing. There's an incredible scene when Tom Berenger calls him out for having designer camouflage called... wait for it...

..."Gucciflage." (What is this, the Berlusconi-produced, Zane-starring, spaghetti soap opera, MILLIONS?)

Anyway. Come for the sniper scope... stay for the Psycho Hunk™lookin' through it?

Film Review: MILLIONS (1991, Carlo Vanzina)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 105 minutes.
Tag-line: "Some people have it all... but they still want more."
Notable Cast or Crew: Billy Zane (THE PHANTOM, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, TWIN PEAKS), Lauren Hutton (fashion model, AMERICAN GIGOLO, John Carpenter's SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME), John Stockwell (MY SCIENCE PROJECT, TOP GUN, John Carpenter's CHRISTINE), Carol Alt (fashion model, BEYOND JUSTICE), Jean Sorel (BELLE DU JOUR, THE DAY OF THE JACKAL), Alexandra Paul (8 MILLION WAYS TO DIE, John Carpenter's CHRISTINE), and Donald Pleasence (John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK).
Best One-liner:  "You don't grasp the seriousness of the situation, Maurizio!"

The film is called MILLIONS.  It stars Billy Zane, an "Ama-Zane-ing" and much beloved actor on this site (particularly for his performance as "The Phantom" in SLAM EVIL).  It is a film largely about villas, yachts, comas, backstabbing, sports cars, and visible ass-crack; the typical preoccupations of low-rent Italo-Trash. It has perhaps the greatest quantity of "sleazy saxophone solos" ever to be confined to a 105 minute span.  Not to mention it's produced in part by corrupt, former Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi. These are just the facts, ma'am.

Yet I'm still not sure what I just experienced.  It feels like a made-for-TV movie, or maybe a few episodes of a soap opera strung together, but seems to have had a theatrical release.  It's written and directed by Italians with an all-Italian crew, but with a mostly British and American cast, many of whom are culled from John Carpenter (!) movies. So I suppose it's a "Spaghetti Soap" if we need to categorize, and an often unbearable one at that.  (Still, it's a helluva lot better than Danny Boyle's MILLIONS.)

Now allow me to take you on the experience, nay, the journey that is the "DVD of MILLIONS."  It begins with the disc art itself, which is obviously magnificent:

Pretty sure Zane doesn't wear that sweater in the movie.  Pretty sure I don't care.

Then we have the menu, which lets us know right off the bat that this movie is 95% sleazy saxophone solos and lesser-than-VHS-quality picture.


Once inside the film proper, the saxophone only intensifies, as does the "lifestyles of the rich and yuppie" imagery:






SEE!  Billy Zane acting in a variety of scenarios where his scene partner is a bottle of champagne!



BEHOLD!  The "Billy Zane Slow Simmer" turn into the "Billy Zane Full-On Smolder" as he cruises his cousin on the dancefloor while listening to knockoff Madonna and ersatz C+C Music Factory!



GAZE UPON!  Lauren Hutton, tricked into believing this is a Real Movie that requires Real Acting!


CONTEMPLATE! The mysteries of the ages––for instance, what's the most obnoxious yuppified item in this tableau: the pretentious modern art, the designer trench, or the oversized mobile phone?

Trick question––it's the unused gym-grade exercise equipment!

BEAR WITNESS! As Billy Zane's eyebrows steal the movie, like they did in TITANIC:


OBSERVE! A possibly kidnapped (or at least under duress) Donald Pleasence as he appears in a random scene.  Does John Carpenter know about this? 


You know, I'd hate to see the THEY LIVE sunglasses used on this movie:

AIEEE!  Figures it'd be something like this!

Whew.  And though the film is over, the journey continues.  On to the cast bios!

This is clearly one of the best DVD bios in the history of the genre.  Birth Date?  Under control.  Birth Place?  Got it.  Where he randomly attended high school for one out of his four years?  Check.  Er... what?  For those of you who can't read the small print, the full Zane biography is as follows:

"Billy Zane attended the American School in Switzerland for his sophomore year of high school.  Was originally cast as Johnny Castle in "DIRTY DANCING" (1987) but lost the role due to his lack of dancing skills."

There's no page two... that's it!  A high school attendance factoid that no one would care to know (unless you were unsuccessfully trying to guess Billy Zane's email password and were on the "security questions" page), and an anecdote about one time Billy Zane was not hired for something because he wasn't talented enough.  Thanks, DVD!

Finally, we come to the coup de grâce: the "Photo Gallery."

Set to music I would describe as "similar to the ALF or perhaps the FAMILY TIES closing credits," we are treated to a series of wholly unspectacular freeze frames in a slideshow format, projected upon the pixelated image of a hundred dollar bill.  It's the entire movie, without dialogue, condensed to a minute and a half of rockin' sax/house music, and bookended by images of Billy Zane in Full-On Smolder mode.  Needless to say, I approve.

You know what, I'm feeling generous: two stars.

–Sean Gill

Film Review: THE PHANTOM (1996, Simon Wincer)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "SLAM EVIL!"

Notable Cast or Crew: Billy Zane (TITANIC, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT), Kristy Swanson (DEADLY FRIEND, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Treat Williams (DEAD HEAT, HAIR), Catherine Zeta-Jones (ENTRAPMENT, THE MASK OF ZORRO), James Remar (RENT-A-COP, THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (MORTAL KOMBAT, PEARL HARBOR), David Proval (INNOCENT BLOOD, THE SOPRANOS), Casey Siemaszko (THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, BACK TO THE FUTURE), Samantha Eggar (THE BROOD, CURTAINS), Jon Tenney (MASTERS OF HORROR: HOMECOMING, TOMBSTONE), Patrick McGoohan (THE PRISONER, SCANNERS, SECRET AGENT).
Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam (THE DEAD ZONE, LETHAL WEAPON 2, INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, THE LOST BOYS).  Second unit directed by legendary stuntman Vic Armstrong (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, LIVE AND LET DIE, SUPERMAN, BLADE RUNNER, BRAZIL, RETURN OF THE JEDI).  Produced by Robert Evans (CHINATOWN, MARATHON MAN), Alan Ladd Jr. (BRAVEHEART, VILLAIN), and Joe Dante (GREMLINS, EERIE INDIANA), among others.

Best One-liner: "No smoking in the skull cave."

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"You know how I've been on a Billy Zane kick?"
–"Yeah, I guess."
"Well check out this one-sheet: look what I finally got my hands on."
–"SLAM EVIL?"
"No, THE PHANTOM!"
–"Well, it looks like it's called SLAM EVIL."
"No, it says THE PHANTOM.  See, down there."
–"Yeah, exactly.  It's all the way 'down there.'  So this movie is called 'SLAM EVIL' and it stars The Phantom.  Wait, is that Billy Zane?"
"Do you listen to anything I say?"
–"Not really.  Is it worth seeing?"
"Yeah.  It's good.  I mean, I use that word relatively."
–"I always assume you do."
"It's no TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, is what I mean."
–"What could be?"
"Basically, it's a family-friendly swashbuckling superhero flick with a sense of fun and grand adventure.  It's a product of that four or five year span when Hollywood kept making pulpy and/or Art Deco-ish vintage comic book movies that the public didn't really want.  Stuff like DICK TRACY, THE ROCKETEER, THE SHADOW, and the like."
–"I love THE ROCKETEER."
"So do I.  I'm just saying it wasn't a super-tenable business model."
–"So what is THE PHANTOM?"
"He's a 1930s comic book hero who's become one of the best-selling and longest-running characters of all time. He's been the subject of serials, TV shows, video games and the like.

He's basically Indiana Jones combined with the Lone Ranger and DANGER: DIABOLIK.  And that ranks pretty high in my book."
–"I like Indiana Jones."
"Well, good, cause this thing is packed with Indy references, in no small part due to the participation of Jeffrey Boam (co-writer of LAST CRUSADE) and Vic Armstrong (stunt coordinator and Indy double for the entire trilogy).  There are fedoras; rope bridge scenes;

 Though this is a little more SORCERER than TEMPLE OF DOOM.

missing artifacts with magical, face-exploding powers; there's scenes where a talisman points the way on a map with a colored laser:

 From RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

 
 From THE PHANTOM.

similar locales and production design:
 
 From RAIDERS.


From PHANTOM.

and there's even an extended truck chase scene that features some of the exact, blow-by-blow choreography from the classic one in RAIDERS:



And one moment, with floating CGI skulls:
 
 almost prefigures the finale of an Indiana Jones movie that shall remain nameless."
–"Wow.
"Yeah."
–"I remember a way's back, you were trying to make the case that Billy Zane's eyes and eyebrows were the true stars of TITANIC.  How are they here?"
"Well, it's like how in CYBORG, we meet Van Damme's isolated leg before we even meet Van Damme.  Adhering to that logic, we naturally get an extreme closeup of Zane's gaze before we see the rest of him."

–"I think he can see into my soul!"
"Yeah, he can.  Also, speaking of TITANIC, there's a scene here where The Phantom pops up in a ladies' locker room on a boat– and promptly apologizes to the damsels."


–"Billy Zane being chivalrous on a boat... now I've seen everything!"
"Exactly.  He's a very polite superhero, not unlike, as I said, The Lone Ranger, Superman, or perhaps Adam West's take on Batman.  Here he is, taking a moment out of an action sequence to pick up and return an old lady's purse."

–"Very nice."
"Also, he gives Kristy Swanson some black pearls in a scene eerily reminiscent of when he gave Kate Winslet 'The Heart of the Ocean' in TITANIC."

–"Kristy Swanson!  I had quite the crush on her, back when I first saw DEADLY FRIEND."
"Yeah, well now you can relive that torrid affaire de coeur all over again."
–"So wait, exactly what the hell is going on here?"
"It's a bit of a hodgepodge.  There's evil international corporations, vast pirate conspiracies, magical skulls, tribal sorcery, gunplay, horseplay, swordplay, wordplay, spandex-play..."
–"Who else is in this thing?"
"Our big villain is Treat Williams, who knows exactly what movie he's in, and he's knockin' it out of the park.  A typical scene might see him greedily clasping a magic skull and moaning, 'Ohhhhh, baby!'

Conversely, his top henchman, played by James Remar, is so used to playing it straight, he's struggling with the tone a little bit.  He plays it sort of like 'Indiana Jones gone to the dark side,' but it feels occasionally awkward.  Somehow this works in the film's favor."

–"You mean like that scene in TEMPLE OF DOOM when Harrison Ford drinks the Blood of Kali and acts like he's kicking heroin?"
"Let's forget about that for a minute.  He also gets to rock out some 'Gestapo chic' when he's fighting The Phantom in the city.  Plus, his counterpart is a villainous henchwoman played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, hereafter to be referred to as 'CZJ.'  This movie might be CZJ's finest hour."
 
–"Can we not do that?  The CZJ thing?'
"Ohhh, okay.  Anyway, she's out of control and cartoonish, like a secondary villain from CARMEN SANDIEGO.  If she had a mustache, she'd be twirling it.  The beauty of her performance can be distilled in a twenty-seven second video I have entitled 'Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta-Jones' Finest Slap Battles.'"

–"Intense!"
"I'll say.  Finally, there's a nice tertiary villain bit by David Proval, a notorious 'gangster-character-actor' whose performances often genuinely scare me."

–"That's all well and good, but it seems to me you're giving Billy Zane the short shrift here.  Is he not Ama-Zane-ing?"
"Oh, the Zane Factor is pretty high.  It's hard to believe this was nearly a Joel Schumacher movie starring Dolph Lundgren–"
–"WHAAAAT?!"
"Yeah, at least he got to make THE PHANTOM... OF THE OPERA, eventually.  Hell, and before that, directors from Joe Dante to Sergio Leone have wanted to take a crack at The Phantom."
–"You're blowing my mind.  Who would have been Leone's Phantom?"
"I could see Eastwood, Coburn, or Bronson, frankly.  But back to Zane.  Yes, he's ama-Zane-ing, or whatever, it's just that the role isn't one of his flashiest.  Don't despair, though, there are some fine moments.  For instance, off the top of my head:

BILLY ZANE WILL LEAP OFF A HORSE AND


ONTO THE HOOD OF A TRUCK, BUT JAMES REMAR WON'T NOTICE FOR HALF A SECOND


...AND THEN HE WILL NOTICE



BILLY ZANE WILL LOUNGE AROUND, HALF-NUDE, TALKING TO HIS DEAD DAD (WHO IS PATRICK MCGOOHAN)



BILLY ZANE WILL PET THE TIGER


(WHO, INCIDENTALLY, WAS PROVIDED BY ANIMALS R US)



BILLY ZANE WILL HITCH A RIDE ON THE UNDERBELLY OF A PLANE, LIKE HE'S ROBERT DE NIRO IN CAPE FEAR



 BILLY ZANE'S THIGHS WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE


AND STRANGLE YOU


TILL YOU PASS OUT

–"Holy cow!"
"Yup.  Naturally, all of this leads up to a final confrontation where Zane and Williams face off while wielding magical lasers; Williams' emanate from the purloined skull, and Zane's shoot forth from his wicked skull ring.  Consequently, it sorta feels like the end of SPACEBALLS."




 
 
 –"Now that's a thing of beauty."
"It sure is."
–"Oh, by the way– is there smoking in the skull cave?"


"Don't say that too loudly:  Billy Zane's thighs are apt to pop out of nowhere and strangle you unto unconsciousness.  In other words:  no smoking in the skull cave."

–Sean Gill


EDIT:  I just discovered the existence of the following vintage "Got Milk?" ad, and I must include it, without comment, for the sake of future generations.