"Ayn Rand Reviews 12 Classic Movies" at theNewerYork

Some of you may know that in addition to my loves of filmmaking, playwriting, and singing the praises of Jean-Claude Van Damme, I have an interest in literature.  I don't often plug my other publications on this site, but this is certainly a case where the two interests overlap.
 
 Ayn Rand: not a fan of THEY LIVE.

It's a new, satirical piece that's been published by the fine folks over at theNewerYork, it's entitled "Ayn Rand Reviews 12 Classic Movies," and you can read it here.  (Don't worry, John Carpenter earns a mention.)  Enjoy!

 (archived below after theNewerYork became defunct)

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)  
D: Stanley Kubrick. Starring: Douglas Rain. 160 m.
Synopsis: A sensible computer refuses to indulge five astronauts in their addiction to socialized life support.
Grade: B-

All About Eve (1950)
D: Joseph L. Mankiewicz. Starring: Anne Baxter, George Sanders. 138 m.
Synopsis: An intrepid young woman is vilified for offering a superior version of an existing product.
Grade: A

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)  
D: Irvin Kershner. Starring: Billy Dee Williams, Jeremy Bulloch. 124 m.
Synopsis: After our hero is forced to sell his friends for less than their fair market value, a libertarian paradise among the clouds falls victim to government regulation.
Grade: B

Ghostbusters (1984)  
D: Ivan Reitman. Starring: Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd. 105 m.
Synopsis: Private contractors fulfill a service the municipal government is unable to provide and a shiftless green phantom's ectoplasm-subsidized lifestyle is thwarted.
Grade: A+

It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
D: Frank Capra. Starring: Lionel Barrymore. 130 m.
Synopsis: A suicidal lunatic antagonizes a pillar of the community; his negligence is rewarded with unjustified charity.
Grade: F

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
D: George Seaton. Starring: Jerome Cowan, Porter Hall. 96 m.
Synopsis: A costumed maniac distributes handouts to unproductive, unemployable deadbeats.
Grade: D

Rebel Without a Cause (1955)
D: Nicholas Ray. Starring: James Dean, Natalie Wood. 111 m.  
Synopsis: A young man's passion for unregulated car racing draws government interference.
Grade: B-

Rosemary's Baby (1968)
D: Roman Polanski. Starring: John Cassavetes, Ruth Gordon, Sidney Blackmer. 136 m.
Synopsis: A highly motivated up-and-coming actor achieves success through innovative means and builds a family in the process.
Grade: A+

Speed (1994)
D: Jan de Bont. Starring: Dennis Hopper. 116 m.
Synopsis: A freethinking idealist strikes a blow against the pork barrel of public transit while satirizing the concept of speed limits.
Grade: A-

Sunset Boulevard (1950)
D: Billy Wilder. Starring: Gloria Swanson, Cecil B. DeMille. 110 m.
Synopsis: A self-reliant woman with extraordinary talent withdraws from a society that doesn't deserve her; later, the law interferes with how she puts her private swimming pool to use.
Grade: B

Taxi Driver (1976)  
D: Martin Scorsese. Starring: Harvey Keitel. 113 m.
Synopsis: A successful small business owner is harassed and ultimately murdered by an ex-government employee with ties to a progressive senator.
Grade: C

They Live (1988)
D: John Carpenter. Starring: Meg Foster. 93 m.
Synopsis: A homeless man tampers with a successful business model and a respected television network suffers property damage.
Grade: D-

Only now does it occur to me... NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN

Only now does it occur to me...  that Sean Connery's James Bond once played an Atari/TRON/Missile Command-style video game (instead of baccarat, dear God!)

  

 against Austrian arthouse star Klaus Maria "MEPHISTO" Brandauer

 as Kim Basinger became increasingly turned on by the hilariously awkward, bizarre, and dorky display of uncoordinated (but extremely stern-faced!) button-mashing.

   

Oh, James, indeed!  Truly this is a Bond for the 80s.  No word yet on his high score on Q*bert.

Film Review: EYES OF LAURA MARS (1978, Irvin Kershner)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.

Running Time: 104 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Faye Dunaway (NETWORK, BONNIE & CLYDE), Tommy Lee Jones (ROLLING THUNDER, THE PARK IS MINE!), Raul Julia (THE ADDAMS FAMILY, STREET FIGHTER THE MOVIE), Rene Auberjonois (MCCABE AND MRS. MILLER, THE LITTLE MERMAID), Brad Dourif (CHILD'S PLAY, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST), Darlanne Fluegel (BULLETPROOF, TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.).  Written by John Carpenter and David Zelag Goodman (STRAW DOGS, LOGAN'S RUN), based on a story by John Carpenter.  Produced by Jon Peters (AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, BATMAN, BATMAN RETURNS).  Cinematography by Victor J. Kemper (DOG DAY AFTERNOON, PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE).  Edited by Michael Kahn (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, JURASSIC PARK, TRUCK TURNER).  Featuring a soundtrack with selections by Barbara Streisand, Odyssey, KC & the Sunshine Band, Heatwave, and the Michael Zager Band.

Tag-line:  "You can't always believe what you see..."

Best one-liner:  "I'M COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL!"

In familiar, darkened alleyway:

"How about a New York City disco horror-thriller set in the world of high fashion, from the director of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and written by John Carpenter?"
–"Where do I sign up?!"
"Not so fast, buddy.  It's not quite as good as it sounds."
–"Aw, nuts."
"Well, don't despair, either– it strikes a middle ground."
–"So is it like a proto- HALLOWEEN?"
"Not really.  Carpy and 'Kersh (and co-writer David Zelag Goodman) have definitely taken a page from the giallo playbook on this one.  It's got some psychic phenomena, POV weirdness, and a lot of dreamy, Fulci/early Argento-esque setpieces.  It's got a bit of a sleaze factor to it that's very Eurotrash in flavor– or maybe that's just the 1970s."

–"Didn't you say "disco" earlier?"
"Hell yes, I did– this movie has caught a fever: disco fever.  It's the good old days, the popped collar and flared pants days, the studio 54 days, the gold lamé and mountains of cocaine days, the days when a pop song would have a radio edit that was three minutes, and then a full version that lasts for three hours, packed with harpsichord and oboe solos and all sorts of extraneous material."
–"You're exaggerating."
"Well, maybe, but the definite highlights of this film are the morbid high-fashion montage scenes, set to endless versions of classy disco classics like 'Let's All Chant (Your Body, My Body, Everybody Work Your Body)' by the Michael Zager Band and '(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty' by KC & the Sunshine Band–


which is to say hilariously insane 70s decadence intercut with supernatural danger and car wrecks and models wearing fanny packs and smacking each other with fur coats."

–"Whuttttt?!"
"Well, let me back up a little bit. Let me give you the background. Our hero is Faye Dunaway, who plays 'Laura Mars,' and she's definitely on the cusp of the mind-blowing melodramatic overselling of the MOMMIE DEAREST era.

She's a high-fashion photographer who's known for her macabre and controversial portraiture

but she's been having visions of her friends being murdered– murders that actually end up happening! Then she's confronted by the police with the fact that her photographs eerily mirror actual crime scenes that have been kept from the public."

–"Sounds kinda like a typical giallo.  So whodunit?"
"Like I'm going to tell you, bub.  But let's look at the rogue's gallery of supporting players.  We got a super-young Raul Julia as her drunken ex-husband and a born screw-up,

we got a delightfully intense Tommy Lee Jones as the detective helping to protect her (and a part-time shag-carpet love interest),

we got Rene Auberjonois (who I always just call Rene Aubergy-bergy-wah) as her delightfully fey manager, rocking well-coiffed 70s hair,

we even got Darlanne Flugel as a model-friend of Laura's,

an actress who later carved out a niche as "the female" throughout a ton of great testosterone-soaked 80s action flicks like BULLETPROOF and RUNNING SCARED and LOCKUP and TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A."
–"That's cool.  I likes me some Darlanne Flug–"
"I'm not finished yet.  Last, and definitely not least, we got Brad Dourif."

–"Hot damn!"
"Yeah, he plays Laura's chauffeur, and as you can see, he has a hard time keeping his eyes on the road.

At one point, he says 'You tryin' to take me to fuckin' Bellevue or what?' and it's kind of amazing because there's definitely a touch of Billy Bibbit from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST to his performance here."
–"Looks like he's givin' it his all."
"Dourif never gives anything less.  Then, we even got Babs Streisand– sort of.  She sings the title theme without ever appearing in the film, which was a first for her.  It's because she was initially going to play Laura Mars.  She dropped out when it got too 'kinky,' which is to say, 'not kinky at all.'"
–"Well, what's the verdict?  Now I'm just confused."
"On the whole, it's not quite a lost Carpy gem, but kind of a classier precursor to Lucio Fulci's New York Trilogy (ZOMBIE, NEW YORK RIPPER, MANHATTAN BABY).  And hey– that's alright with me.  It's also allegedly the basis by which Lucas hired 'Kersh to do THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, so you might even call it the impetus for the best STAR WARS movie.  Three and a half stars."

–Sean Gill