Good Morning, World

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Happy 39, Eric Dane!

Burly Skew Winner

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Last week I offered up a strange Burlesque-related scenario and from there I asked you to give the story an ending. Whoever came up with the one that tickled my fancies the most would win a copy of the fancy hardcover Burlesque: The Motion Picture and a copy of the soundtrack. Well the time has come for winning! I honestly loved everybody's answers - I think about 95% of you went featured some kind of orgy breaking out; y'all seriously my peeps - but reader Adam went the extra mile by mixing together a few of my other favorite things... but I'll leave that to him. First up, that strange scenario...

"Picture it! It's the night before Thanksgiving and you're trapped in the airport. All the flights have been delayed because everyone's refusing their privates x-rayed and fondled by TSA agents. The world has crawled to a stand-still! That's when you see them sitting beside you - it's the all the stars of Burlesque! Cher! Xtina! Eric Dane! Kristen Bell! Stanley Tucci! Cam Gigandet! Director and former Goonies prick Steve Antin! They're trapped there too, having been unable to make it out of town from the latest premiere. And it'll be hours before any of you can make it out..."

And from there I'll let Adam take it away...

"...Given hotel vouchers by the airline, we all headed to Motel Hello. We were thrilled to be conveniently located next to America's largest turkey farm and slaughterhouse. But then a farmer wearing a severed turkey head terrorized us all Thanksgiving Eve with a chainsaw and overly choreographed dance numbers. With a hand-held camera Eric Dane uses for sex tapes, we created a Thanksgiving themed Motel Hell remake. The only casualties were Cam Gigandet and Eric Dane's shirts. It won 12 Oscars."

And enclosed was a promotional poster:

I mean... a Motel Hell shout-out? Photo-shopped scary Cher face? I was defenseless. I would not only see that movie, I would find a way to become an Academy member - perhaps skin Ernest Borgnine and wear him as a suit? - so I could help award that movie its 12 Oscars.

So with that a hefty congrats to Adam, and a huge
thank you to everybody that played along.
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You Can Be a Winner At the Game of Burlesque

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I've never done a giveaway here at MNPP, but all that's about to change! Time to razzle and dazzle ya. I've got a copy of the hard-cover book Burlesque: The Motion Picture...

"Filled with scenes from the film, exclusive behind-the-scenes photos, costume sketches, set designs, screenplay excerpts, and contributions from the cast and crew, this is a gorgeous, fascinating, and up-close celebration of the over-the-top glamour and gritty struggles found in Burlesque."

... (there are also a couple pages of a half-naked Cam Gigandet worth noting) as well as a copy of the soundtrack to the film, with new songs from Christina Aguilera and Cher. And they've got your name on them... at least they will, should you prove yourselves oh so clever and oh so witty. Here's the set-up:


Picture it! It's the night before Thanksgiving and you're trapped in the airport. All the flights have been delayed because everyone's refusing their privates x-rayed and fondled by TSA agents. The world has crawled to a stand-still! That's when you see them sitting beside you - it's the all the stars of Burlesque! Cher! Xtina! Eric Dane! Kristen Bell! Stanley Tucci! Cam Gigandet! Director and former Goonies prick Steve Antin! They're trapped there too, having been unable to make it out of town from the latest premiere. And it'll be hours before any of you can make it out...

... so what happens?

When you sit down to tell your grandchildren this story fifty years from now, what's the punchline to the tale? I don't want the whole story - just what it all builds to, the Coup de grâce. Keep it short and simple and the more absurd the better. This is MNPP we're talking about here. Enter as many times as you want. And the one that makes me laugh the hardest wins. Voila!

Email your submission to mnppcontest@gmail.com
some time between now and Tuesday morning. Good luck!

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And Burlesque is out in theaters today,
should you want to see the movie too...
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I Am Link

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--- Doing Delillo - This news broke last night right before I was leaving work so I didn't have time to post about it then unfortunately, but Colin Farrell and Marion Cotillard are doing a movie with David Cronenberg! Based on Don Delillo's book Cosmopolis. Which I have not read. Should I? But I love how much Cronenberg's got lined up these days, and with big stars that're also terrifically interesting actors. Now if he'd just make a straight-up (well as straight-up as any of his were) horror film again! Sigh.

--- Must Listen - Tonight Final Girl's Stacie Ponder is doing another podcast episode of The Scare-ening and she's got a whopper of a guest joining her. A whopper! Seriously. Radness.

--- Upgrade Or Not - I liked Sharlto Copley in District 9 quite a bit. Everybody did! The fella's got spunk. Anyway he's just dropped out of the movie I Am Number 4 he was set to do with crapmeister DJ Caruso because he's got too much press to do for The A Team, and AICN takes the news of his replacement hard, unto which I call bullshit.

"Sharlto Copley is dropping out of the Bay/Spielberg produced, D.J. Caruso directed I AM NUMBER FOUR. He'll be replaced by the significantly less watchable Timothy Olyphant."

Like I said, I liked Copley, but are you kidding me? Tim Olyphant is immensely watchable! WTF? Caruso's previous two films, on the other hand...

--- JCVD3D - They're gonna make a fourth Universal Soldier film and Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren are gonna be in it (as they were the third, which was straight-to-DVD), and it will be in 3D. You know what that makes me think of right? Seeing the following in glorious 3D:

I would pay a lot of money for that.

---Fool Him Thrice, He's A Fool - Darren Aronofsky will never learn! He's trying to make another movie with Brad Pitt. Every time he comes near Brad Pitt everything comes falling down in ruins and flames. Stay away from the Pitt, Darren! it's called The Tiger and it's about a tiger that's pissed off about the people getting up in its business in Siberia. So basically it's The Ghost Sans The Darkness.

--- Who's Hung - Here's a quote that I missed from the interview with Thomas Jane in the issue of Men's Fitness that I posted the pictures to the other day (via):

"I’m a textbook average guy. I’m 5′10″, I wear a model suit size — 40 regular, 32-inch waist pant — and a size 10 shoe. Everything about me is prototypical. Everything. I even have a right-down-the middle-exactly-average dick."

Yup... that a quote.

--- Three Men on a Boat - What do you get if you put Matthew Fox, Eric Dane and Portuguese soccer star Luis Figo (someone really overdue for a gratuitous post, by the way) together on a boat for a photo shoot? Well this picture, and a million fantasies, that's what. (via)

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Who Loves Short Shorts?

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Eric Dane loves short shorts. (via)
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Good Morning, World

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Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... riding side-saddle on Eric Dane's longboard.


Cowabunga, motherfucker.
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Do Dump or Marry - The V. Day Special

I will never never ever watch this Valentine's Day movie coming out this weekend. Let's just make sure that's straight. (Hrm... making straight... you mean like they do with Bradley Cooper's character in all the promo materials? Yes, I mean like that.) But I will take this opportunity to exploit a trio of the fellows in the movie. Cuz. And I going with the non-traditional-for-me* choices. So no Ashton Kutcher! No Bradley Cooper! And no... uh... Taylor Lautner? Yeah no Taylor Lautner, sure. (Fun fact: All of their names end in "er.")

Instead let's go with the following three,
cuz why the eff not:

That's Topher Grace, Patrick Dempsey, and Eric Dane. Venom and the Mc-Fill-in-the-Blanks from that Lady Doctor Program. Here are a couple more shots to help you sort out your desires..

Patrick Dempsey
(more here)


Eric Dane
(more of him here and here)


Topher Grace
(making out with Josh Duhamel here)

Well have at it. All in the name of love... or sex... or hate.
Do Dump or Marry the hell outta 'em.

*And obviously by "non-traditional-for-me" up there at the top I didn't mean anything other than "skinny dark-haired white males" though... let's not go crazy or anything!
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Gratuitous Eric Dane

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A few minutes ago I suddenly couldn't remember why I'd found myself lost in a vortex of Eric Dane pictures... I've never seen the man in anything (save for a single clip of him coming out of a steamy bathroom in a towel on Grey's Anatomy where he apparently earned his nickname "McSteamy"... I cannot and will not watch or abide that show otherwise!)... then I remembered it was this picture of him at PopWrap that sent me on my mission. So thanks for that, Jarett! Lost in an Eric Dane vortex ain't a bad place to find one's self. Y'all should thank Jarett too; he does the lord's work over there.

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Gratuitous, Copyrighted

Entertainment Weekly ripped me off! Their website currently has a list up called 21 Favorite Examples of Gratuitous TV -- don't they know I own the word "gratuitous"? Sheesh, you think you know somebody, your subscribe to their magazine for 14 straight years, and then they go and sneak behind your back and pull this sort of stunt. Stunned! I am stunned.

Anyway, faux-outrage aside, one thing I noticed within their countdown was that the majority of memorable male gratuity on television involves the male character having just gotten out of the shower. You know, somebody rings the doorbell or they fall out a window or something, anything, to get them tracking all over the house dripping wet with a washcloth-sized speck of fabric the only thing to shield them. TV's just like real life! Anyway, see what I mean:

Eric Dane, Grey's Anatomy
Zachary Quinto, Heroes
Jamie Bamber, Battlestar Galactica
Jared Padalecki, Supernatural
Matthew Fox, Lost

And these are just recent examples.
But I think I know where this can all be traced back to:

Patrick Duffy is the nexus of the universe, you know.
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