Aldis Sure Ain't Gonna Show You His Dick

I didn't even really like the Road House remake in the first place -- although it has shown itself to be fun to re-watch pieces of while doing something else in the time since it was released, and really isn't that how these streaming movies are intended to be consumed? -- but that was never going to keep me from documenting every tidbit of the sequel to the remake since Jake will be coming back. And now, NOW, they have gone and cast sexy-ass Aldis Hodge opposite him. I mean good lord! How much hotness can one small screen hold? I guess we're about to find out. Hopefully Aldis shares Billy Magnusson's predilection for black speedos from the first film? Is that too much to ask? No idea if Aldis will be the villain or maybe he'll be the Sam Elliott type from the original movie -- one of Jake's old UFC buddies who comes to help him kick ass. (In black speedos? Stay tuned.) Anyway I think I forgot to report that Guy Ritchie had to drop out of directing this, and now Ilya Naishuller the guy who made the wild first-person action flick Hardcore Henry from 2015, as well as that Nobody movie with Bob Odenkirk (never saw it), is taking over. And no offense to Mr. Naishuller but this sounds far far less gay than whatever Guy Ritchie would've come up -- sigh!

Put Money in Thy Purse

I feel as if I've been sort of pissy with anything Jake Gyllenhaal related for the past several months, but don't blame me -- blame whoever priced me out of seeing him do Iago opposite Denzel Washington's Othello on Broadway. There've been enough stories about how outrageous its tickets are -- and I've already bitched about it already a few times -- so I'm not unique in my irritation; hell when he chatted with Audra McDonald for the Variety piece the above photo is from she joked she hadn't seen the show because she couldn't afford the tickets. I've kept trying for the Lottery to no avail -- maybe now that the show got zero Tony nominations I'll have a chance? (Sending love and congrats to Cole Escola though!) Aaaaanyway I didn't actually start writing this post to bring up any of that stuff -- I figured I should mention yesterday's news that the Road House sequel we'd been threatened was coming is indeed coming and it will be directed by Guy Ritchie now. Ritchie would be replacing the first film's director Doug Liman, who famously threw a (correct) shit-fit about Amazon's games with Road House's release -- Ritchie, who's done plenty for streamers by this point (including the Netflix series The Gentlemen with Theo James, which was wonderful and single-handedly made me reassess my Guy Ritchie indifference), probably won't be so tempestuous about all that. And Jake just filmed a movie with Ritchie (and Henry Cavill) so clearly they got along. So there. I mentioned all of that. And hey maybe they can actually make a good Road House this time. At least we can be sure Guy will fawn over Jake's muscles and put him in homoerotic situations plenty. 

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

Road House (2024)

Dalton: You know that conchs produce pearls?

Ellie: Yes.

Dalton: And that they have ornate spiral...

Ellie: Shells. Yes, everyone knows that.

Dalton: That one in every 15,000 produces a pink pearl. 

Ellie: Sounds romantic. Unless you're a conch. 

Because what actually happens is the conch gets a bit 

of grit inside its shell, which causes extreme irritation.

Dalton: "Extreme irritation"... that leads 

to something beautiful. How is that not romantic?

Okay I don't want to encourage the Road House remake too much because I really didn't love it, but I will admit that the last time I was home visiting friends I somehow ended up re-watching it and it washed over me with less spite a second time. I'm now of the mind that it's more harmless than anything -- but still give the esteem the original holds as far as being a perfect piece of trash cinema, "harmless" isn't cutting anybody's mustard. But here on our Jake's 44th birthday as we wish him a very happy day we'll allow it. And if nothing else...

... Jake knew well enough to not skimp on the exploitation and to stay properly half-naked for most of the movie. He's a good boy. Have you seen this video of his hot ass practising an action scene? I only just caught this one last week:

I will be watching the sequel. 

Happy birthday, Jake!

Jake Gyllenhaal Shirtless Cinema Spectacular

Our Jake is on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter today and unbelievably after all of these many many years being obsessed I learned three new things about him via the interview included alongside the pictures -- apparently he is legally blind and has to wear corrective lenses? How the fuck did that information remain elusive all these years? And the second bit is far less substantial but pretty amusing, having to do with the goofy reason that the Road House remake was born: 

"Road House, the apotheosis of Gyllenhaal’s mid-career action era, has an amusingly shallow origin story: He and director Doug Liman ran into each other at a 5K they were both running on Martha’s Vineyard during the pandemic. Gyllenhaal had been spending lockdown doing a lot of biking and was incredibly fit, and Liman decided he wanted to make a movie with him with his shirt off."

You know -- maybe I didn't love the Road House re-do, but I love this, and I love Doug Liman for this, and all the movie's mediocrity is now forgiven. More movies made simply to get Jake's shirt off, please! And the third new thing from the interview -- he apparently has a role in his sis Maggie's next movie, the Bride of Frankenstein update with Christian Bale and Jessie Buckley! No word on what but let's hope it's a naked corpse on a slab. What? Don't look at me that way. Anyway words and revelations are nifty but sexy pictures are even better, so go ahead and hit the jump for the pictures now...

Dalton Rises

I guess it makes sense that Amazon Prime would greenlight a sequel to Jake Gyllenhaal's Road House re-do since they've been touting the streaming numbers for it ever since it came out -- it appears to've been a massive hit for them. It just didn't even occur to me for some reason -- not until I saw them announce it on Twitter this morning (see down below). Maybe because I was so indifferent to the movie that I couldn't even be bothered to write a review, save a few scant words including "meh." That said I sure did post a lot about the movie -- granted it was mainly about Jake's workout routine. But I'll gladly go through that a second time! Click here for all of our posts. Obviously we'll post more when there's more news to know. Do we think Doug Liman will return to the director's chair? He seemed so irritated with the whole streaming thing. Who would you hire to direct if not? I say let's get Luca Guadagnino in there -- he just proved he could make a sports movie worth watching with Challengers. And he and Jake almost worked together once before. Picture it: Luca Guadagninio's Road House 2. Why not? The world's gone nuts anyway. 

With nearly 80 million viewers to date, Jake Gyllenhaal is set to reprise his role as Elwood Dalton in a Road House sequel. pic.twitter.com/XgpD3ScXIS

— Prime Video (@PrimeVideo) May 14, 2024

Jake & Hank Coming Together

In the original version of the Road House photo above Jake's love interest (played by Daniela Melchior) is on his left side (see it here), but some enterprising soul on the internet went and photoshopped her out (no it wasn't me) and yes, I will totally share that. I am not above sharing that. I am not above much to be honest, but definitely nothing having to do with Jake. Anyway I needed a Jake photo because we have Jake News (insert beeping breaking news sound effect here) today! His movie with Guy Ritchie and Henry Cavill...

... that I told you about very nearly an entire year ago has a title and it has a release date. The title is In the Grey, and the release date isn't until January 17th 2025. SIGH so far away. Here is how it is being described:

"It's set to follow a group who operates in the middle of criminality and the law with Cavill, Gyllenhaal, and González joining forces in the search for billions of dollars in stolen cash."

So a crime caper, right in Ritchie's wheelhouse then. (And I remain on a weird-for-me Ritchie high right now thanks to his show The Gentleman kicking ass and thanks to Henry Golding acting real gay on the PR beat for Ritchie's upcoming movie The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.) In the Grey (that "e" is gonna bug me for a full year, sigh) also stars Eiza González (who Jake starred opposite in Michael Bay's Ambulance) and our great Saltburn overlord Rosamund Pike. In summation:

Henry finally found a suit that fits him
(and yes I include the vpl in my definition of fits) pic.twitter.com/yOm2Sed5QT

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) April 10, 2024

Good Morning, World

When this Road House promotional photo of Jake Gyllenhaal dropped over the weekend during my eensy little trip upstate to stare at the sun for a few hours I cursed the gods that I'd have to wait to post it -- but they didn't send another earthquake to smite me (not yet anyway) so here I am, posting it now that I am returned. (See a couple others on Twitter.) And saying good morning. Heads-up though that I am mad exhausted, like unreasonably so, so today might be a little bit on the pitiful side. As if you expect any less when you click over here to MNPP! We'll see, maybe I will perk up now that I have caffeine in me-- is it weird that I think it might have been that I just went four days without my morning ice coffee from Dunkin that was making me feel so out-of-sorts? Addict! Anyway here is the video I took from the total eclipse in upstate New York on Monday -- it was cloudy up there (what's new) so I couldn't actually see the thing but the darkness was a truly wild experience in itself:

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A post shared by Jason Adams (@jasonaadams)

Jake Break

Oh how sweet of Men's Health -- they knew just what this rainy miserable Wednesday needed, and that is "more video of Jake Gyllenhaal working out half-naked during his Road House prep." (via) My bones are heating up as I type! Click here for the original video that they shared before the movie was released, as well as the approxipmately ten thousand gifs I made from it -- and yes, I am doing it again for this one! It's far briefer than that last one but if they wanna drop one of these videos every week from now until the earth explodes (so, like, August) they should feel free. Hit the jump for the video and the gifs, if you so please...

Good Morning, World

And speaking of the Road House remake, again and again and again -- even though yes I promised I was done with it, what can I say I lieeeeee -- actor Beau Knapp got ridiculously beefed up for the movie too, even though he ended up not having a ton of screentime in it (and none really where his beef was showcased like Jake's constantly was). But that's okay because that's what we have social media for -- he posted his own pile of beefcakery on his Instagram and I've got it here for us this morning. And I mean it's not that Beau wasn't in good shape the last time I saw him with his clothes off, in my beloved yet deeply underappreciated 2020 horror film Mosquito State -- it just wasn't quite this level of trade. He was a believable statistics nerd in that! Here... notsomuch. Actors be wild, is my point. Hit the jump for the rest...

Every Time I Think I'm Out...

... Road House keeps pulling me back in.

Pic of the Day

Over the weekend the photographer Claudio Carpi was nice enough to share this photo of Jake Gyllenhaal in character for Road House promotional duties -- this is a variation of the shot that ended up on the poster of course but here it is unadorned in all of its natural glory. Although I hesitate to call this Jake "natural" given the shaving and waxing and spray-tanning and uhh whatever else was going on to make him look like he looked in Road House. I got a few comments over the past few days on our previous Road House posts from people who've watched the movie since its release last Thursday...

... but if you watched it and haven't share your thoughts, the comments of this post are the place! I decided it's not really worth my time to write a full review, given how "meh" my thoughts are -- it has its moments, but after watching it I still really don't know why it exists. Everything truly weird and memorable about the 1989 film was wiped away for an ocassionally fun but pretty generic action movie. A good thread about one of the movie's most glaring issues can be read via MNPP pal Brandon Lewis on Twitter below (click over to read the entire thing):

It’s funny to me how Road House ‘24 may be the year’s most “everyone is beautiful and no one is horny” film, especially since Road House ‘89 couldn’t be hornier if it tried. pic.twitter.com/oWD8XY3xkx

— Brandon Lewis @ SXSW (@blewis1103) March 25, 2024

In summation this photo of Arturo Castro & Billy Magnusson

is the hottest bit of business to come out of this whole thing (via):

Good Morning, World

Now that Road House has been on Amazon Prime for a full 24-ish hours how many of you have watched it? Anybody? I honestly wouldn't blame anybody for saving it for this weekend -- it's a weekend movie. Not a Thursday afternoon movie. Although I guess I shouldn't try to put barriers on your lives -- who knows how you live? Live free! Watch Road House on a Thursday afternoon -- kumbayah, motherfuckers. Anyway as seen above Jake in his blakck underwear is New Road House's version of the original's bare-assed Patrick Swayze scene, so adjust your expectations for whenever you watch it. The movie certainly doesn't skimp on Jake Flesh -- he spends maybe three-quarters of it with if not his shirt entirely off his shirt unbuttoned the entire way. But no ass from him (Conor McGregor on the other hand). At least Billy Magnussen rocks a speedo though, as seen below. Anyway that's the nudity report for the movie -- stay tuned to see if I find the weherweithal to write an actual review today. Off we go...

Thank you #RoadHouse pic.twitter.com/Z7vPiA39bb

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) March 22, 2024

Today's Fanboy Delusion

 Today I'd rather be...

... poking Jake in the... abss. (via)

Happy Road House Day! Jake's remake of the Swayze classic is on Amazon Prime right now, so what are you doing here -- go take off your pants and go watch the damn thing! I'm trying to decide if I feel like writing a review -- I should, I know I should, but nobody's paying me for one and I do actually have a review to finish before tomorrow, so... I'll share some brief thoughts at some point. Maybe in a bit. Just not right this second. 

And yes my... lack on incentive... on this front is probably speaking plenty, but I'm shutting up for now. Words mean nothing, not when there are abs to be had. And abs a'plenty. I made all the abs-y gifs out of that video up top that you can imagine, so hit the jump...

Jake Puts the Man in Men's Health

With Road House hitting Amazon this week something like this was inevitable -- and yet! Can one really ever be prepared for a crotch-shot of half-naked and sweaty Jake Gyllenhaal bouncing up and down and up and down and up and down? No one cannot. Jake's this week's "digital cover star" of Men's Health and what that apparently equals out to is they just dropped several -- yes several videos -- of him working out on their website and it's pretty much non-stop what you see above. It's... 

... it's a lot. It's defeated even me, because I'd have to spend all day making gifs from these videos and while that sounds like a lovely way to spend one's day I unfortunately have other responsibilties today. A cruel world! Alas. But I did upload all of their videos to YouTube so I could share them here on the site, so if you hit the jump it's a one-stop quick shoppery o' Jake beefcake...

I Used to Fuck Guys Like You in Prison

Yet another new snap of Jake Gyllenhaal shooting the Road House remake -- this time via the Instagram account of the dude on the right, MMA fighter Michael Chandler. They look good holding one another in their arms, right? They should definitely do more of that. Make love not war, my babies.

Pics of the Day

The new Road House premieres tomorrow at SXSW and all the boys have been sharing set photos on their Instagram -- I've shared a lot of Jake Gyllenhaal'sset snaps  here on the site but he's not the only one; click here to see some notble ones that Arutro Castro has shared as well. The testosterone flowed free on that set, for sure! Anyway leave it to Billy Magnusson to show up and win the game with the above photo of himself (and co-star Darren Barnet, who we've shown a liking for before) rocking a speedo (click to embiggen). That speedo better make it into the movie, director Doug Liman! See more of Billy's pics here.

If Jake Canst Cuckold Him

Another day full of Jake! No complaints here. Earlier I shared some new Road House set snaps but now, here this afternoon, we look unto the distant future -- specifically the spring of 2025 when Jake it has been revealed is going to star on Broadway opposite Denzel f'ing Washington in a new staging of Othello. Our boy will be playing the villainous Iago natch, a stellar fit for his talents. And obviously -- awesome! Awesome news. My first thought is damn damn dman these tickets are going to be expensive and hard to get. But I've seen jake every time on stage here in New York, it ain't gonna end now. Anybody need a well-used kidney?

Good Morning, World

The Road House remake with our boy Jake is premiering at SXSW on Friday and our boy Jake has shared some new set photos and video on Insta this morning, now focusing on director Doug Liman -- who famously will not be attending SXSW in protest of Amazon not giving the movie a theatrical release. Jake doesn't care! Jake loves Doug either way!

Aww isn't that sweet. I wanna hug dammit. 

Hit the jump and you can watch video of the hug...

Jake Sweats For You

Not even 11am and we're onto our second Jake Gyllenhaal post -- you can tell our boy has a movie hitting soon. Said movie (emphasis on hitting) is the re-do of Road House from Go director Doug Liman, and today he's been interviewed for Vulture -- read it here. That's where these lovely sweaty photos are from. The photos are the most substantial thing from the interview -- there's not much in the chat that I'd never read before, including the disagreement between Jake & Liman about whether Road House was supposed to hit theaters or just streaming -- but the photos are doing me fine. Just fine. And you can hit the jump for a few more (plus video)...

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... making Jake taste the mat.