Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

 Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.

Clementine: But you will! But you will. 

You know, you will think of things. 

And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped 

because that's what happens with me. 

 Joel: Okay. 

Clementine: Okay. 

Feeling my chest burst with love for Call Me By Your Name right now's got me thinking about all the great love stories of the new century and that's a real quick route to thinking about Eternal Sunshine - thankfully it's Kate Winslet's birthday today so we have even more of an excuse to bring it up! Happy birthday, Kate! And I don't care what any of those internet skeptics say - I'm excited to see you re-team with James Cameron on the new Avatar movies. Oh and the trailer for Woody Allen's Wonder Wheel- which I'm seeing next week at the New York Film Fest! - just arrived, check it out:

.

.

Which Is Hotter?

.

.

.

Today is the 48th anniversary of the publication of the first issue of Rolling Stone, which has been good now and then over those many years for some most excellent beefcake. These are just two of many examples that I appreciated in my youth (I also love this one) (and this one) -- What are your faves?

.

I Am Link

.

--- A Hand For Jobs - Danny Boyle Steve Jobs bio-pic, starring everybody's favorite snake-charmer Michael Fassbender, has gotten its release date - it'll be out on October 9th of this year. It's so fast! They are of course filming right now, we've been keeping track (here are some pics we poster on Tumblr yesterday in fact) - this seems like a great date; not crammed in the late-late end-of-year glut of awards season too badly. Let's hope Fassy's his usual awesome self.

--- He's It - I'm no good with watching video interviews when I'm at work (aka all the time), I wish they transcribed what's said so I could just read it, but here's an interview with Cary Fukunaga at Slate in which he talks about All Things Fukunaga, meaning True Detective and his adaptation of Stephen King's book It. And probably braids and hair product.

--- Dark Abstinence - Somehow I missed the fact that Mitchell Lichtenstein, the director of the terrific Teeth, had made a second movie (something called Happy Tears in 2009) much less a third, which is screening in Berlin this weekend - this third one's called Angelica and it stars Jena Malone as a chick in merry ol' Victorian England dealing with abstinence and the supernatural; The Playlist has a bunch of pictures and clips from it. This sounds right in the Teeth sweet-spot to me. Any of you see Happy Tears?

--- New Old Thing - I don't know why they're sharing this stuff right now, except for the fact that there's never a bad moment to reflect upon John Carpenter's remake of The Thing I guess, but The Playlist gathered up some rare footage from the movie - a teaser trailer, some deleted scenes, and an alternate ending. I don't think that I've seen any of these myself. (And I justr ealized they're probably sharing this stuff now because of the Carpenter retrospective in Brooklyn, duh.)

--- Touch Screen - Apparently the first trailer for the Poltergeist remake with Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie DeWitt will be online tomorrow, but for now Slash shares the first batch of pictures, and sure enough there's a little girl pressing her hands on a fuzzed-out TV screen.

--- Slash For Satan - I told you the other day that Final Girl is doing a VHS Week, reviewing a buncha fun and random, random and fun, horror movies; since then two more reviews have popped up - one of the Boreanez-stuffed slasher Valentine (which I somehow still have never seen) and one of the 1974 lesbo-vampire flick Nude For Satan, which I mean how can you resist with that title?
.

--- Lady Hedwig - TimeOut talked to John Cameron Mitchell about his triumphant return to Hedwig on Broadway and amongst the things we learn is he thinks Justin Timberlake and Tilda Swinton should follow him in the role (I say that I'm over Justin Timberlake but I'd totally love to see him in those little black shorts at the end of the show, I can't lie), and also that the sequel he's been working on is on hold because he's busy dammit.

--- The Old In And Out - Speaking of TimeOut, their London magazine apparently compiled a list of the 100 Greatest Sex Scenes in movies, which The Playlist sums up at this link (but you can click here for the full thing) - the only thing I can really pay any attention to though is the fact that apparently there's a writer for TimeOut London named Tom Huddleston. Really?

--- Snyder Man - Just because he looks handsome in it here's a new picture of Zack Snyder on the set of Batman V Superman (it's probably Wayne Manor he's standing in) - I was Team Zack longer than a lot of people seemed to be but that piece-o-crap Man of Steel broke me; I hope he can right the wrongs of that movie this time around... although, you know, the whole Affleck barf-fest isn't exactly my cuppa.

--- Bad Dudes - Nathaniel's picked his favorite villains of 2014 over at The Film Experience, head over there to see but make sure you bring a nice big fresh bowl of worms with you, you're gonna need it. Also at that link is Nat's round-up of fun tweets that he's been doing weekly as of late, which I love.

.

Do Dump or Marry - Facebook Friends Of Yore

.

Somebody posted a quote from The Social Network on Facebook (appropriate forum, I suppose) the other day and now I have that movie stuck in my head, so let's pretend it's 2010 again (did you hear about those Chilean miners???) and do this Do Dump or Marry for the film - our threesome this round: Armie Hammer, Andrew Garfield and Justin Timberlake. (Yes I did one of these for this movie back then, but it was Jesse Eisenberg in the place of Armie Hammer, which was obviously a painfully egregious error on my part.) Which one gets to hit your Like button, which one gets blocked, and which one will you change your relationship status for? Have at it!

Outside Llweyn Davis

.

I've for some reason still not seen Intolerable Cruelty so this statement's only ninety-seven-point-five percent factual, but Inside Llweyn Davis is the first Coens movie that I haven't loved in forever and a day, sad to say. What is it that left me cold? Is it because I am a dog person? Is it Justin Timberlake's smug facial hair that out-acts him? Or is it just that I think...

             ... that you should head over to The Film Experience where you can read my whole review for the movie? Yeah, it's definitely that one. Go on over, hear me whine and complain, it'll be fun for everybody! Then yes come back here and tell me all about how I'm a bastard for disliking Oscar Isaac. I'm prepared.

.

I Didn't Think This Picture...

.

... of Bradley Cooper's perm could ever be topped...

... and then I saw the full picture of Bradley Cooper and his perm with Jennifer Lawrence, her ridiculous hair-do and fur, and I realized my first instinct was incorrect indeed. (see more here) I feel like if you pulled out once more suddenly Dale Dickey would be there in a bikini and pageant sash and my brains would just kabluey.

.

Timberlake Takes A Horse Ride

.

By request! Didja all watch Justin Timberlake's episode of SNL last evening? It was per usual one of the better episodes of the season; JT learns his bits, which always makes a big difference - making a bigger difference is the writers seemed to give a shit this week, and actually wrote jokes (well for the most part).

Anyway in one skit Taran Killan danced around in a horse head while in sluttiest little Roman skirt the world done ever seen (because that's what one does, natch), and here are caps, because we like Taran Killam, we do. Hit the jump for all of them!

I Am Link

.

--- Snowed In - Before you read anything else today if you haven't read the interview with the actress who played Snow White in that infamous Oscars skit with Rob Lowe in 1989, go read it, it is amazing. AMAZING. I wish it were twenty times longer. It made me run out and buy the biography of the producer of that year's show Allan Carr at lightning speed. Oh and you can watch that infamous Snow White skit at this link if you've never seen it. I watched it last night for maybe the first time (I can't remember what year I started watching the Oscars so I might have seen it live) and no wonder Rob Lowe went into that downward spiral of drugs and underage girls after it. I almost ordered up some blow and headed to Thailand myself just watching it.

--- Les Hobbit - I'm glad that Nat posted this at TFE too so I don't have to link to his Facebook where he'd posted it earlier - this dude singing "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Mis as Gollum is the best thing on the internet right now. Well second best after that Snow White thing.

--- Colorful Interference - Over at Stale Popcorn Glenn's taking a look at a whole bunch of recent movie posters and their respective worths; I'd been meaning to say what he says about digging the Trance poster - it's been getting a lot of shit online but I think it's killer.

--- Puppy Love - I love Evan Dorkin's Beasts of Burden stories (about a bunch of dogs and a cat that investigate paranormal activities in their small town; they're much darker than you anticipate based off that description) so I've been wanting to hear more about the long-gestating movie adaptation - now there's word that the dude that made that totally forgotten by me animated film 9 has hopped on-board to direct. Since I never saw 9 I cannot say.

--- Jesse Unchained - I haven't found the chance to read this yet but I've been totally meaning to - Jesse Williams, the very handsome young actor we've gratuitized round these parts several times, has some words (a lot of them!) on Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained. I have no idea what they are, pro or con, as I haven't read it yet. But they are words (a lot of them).

--- Juli Always - Also on my To Read list, here's an interview with Greatest Living Actress Juliette Binoche at The Playlist. Apparently she talks about Michael Haneke and Leos Carax, amongst others, says the headline.

--- Law Man - Taylor Kitsch is reduced to playing a sheriff in a serial killer movie - never the sign of a career high, that. It's from a script by the guy who wrote Pandorum (ergh) but it's directed by the guy who made my favorite part of the Red Riding trilogy (the part with Andrew Garfield).

--- Crazy Pants - Shia LaBeouf has lost his damned mind (uh, that's assuming there was some sanity there to begin with, which is becoming to be the real question) and naturally this means that I like him more right now than I ever have before. Tear it down, Shia!

--- Alphabet Wallis - Speaking of semi-endearing assholes, have you read this mystery dude director's reasoning behind his Oscar ballot at THR? There are several hysterical assholish quotes that are cannot miss. I read somewhere that people think it might be William Friedkin, which I could totally see.

--- Best Teacher - This is already twenty times better than the movie - super-funny and talented Ari "Balls deep!" Graynor is going to star in the TV adaptation of Bad Teacher, that Cameron Diaz says the word "fuck" a lot movie. Although I will miss the sight of Justin Timberlake dry-humping in jeans. That was a keeper.

--- Hair Ball - The latest new picture from The Wolverine doesn't have a single nipple in it - what am I supposed to do with this shit? Get back to me when you've got something for me, Hugh Jackman. And by "something" I mean... well several things would do.

.

I Am Link

.

--- Trouser Snake - David Fincher directed the new Justin Timebrlake video and it is pretty as all get out (up to and including the way those trousers fit Justin), but I watched it without the sound on and I am totally good with that, and will presumably remain good with that.

--- One Frame - Nat's announced a new season of his "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" series at The Film Experience, wherein people choose their favorite shots from weekly prescribed films and blog about them; I always mean to participate more than I end up doing but I always read as much as I can since it's a blast every time out. Films lined up - The Wizard of Oz, Barbarella, and Jackie Brown! With more to come!

--- What's Watts - Glenn takes a look at an interview with Naomi Watts over at Stale Popcorn, which touches upon Mulholland Drive and King Kong and Nicole Kidman... oh my. I still haven't seen The Impossible yet; I feel as if it's a movie that's going to annoy me, but we'll see.

--- Little Finger - Little big man Peter Dinklage has joined the cast of the new X-Men movie; The Playlist is speculating who he will play. I would watch him and Michael Fassbender do it, by the way.

--- Size Down - Richard Matheson is going to write an updated screenplay for his old story The Incredible Shrinking Man with his son, and MGM is going to turn said screenplay into a movie. Have I ever mentioned how much I loved Honey I Shrunk the Kids when I was like 13? I was addicted to that movie. I haven't seen it in probably twenty years though. Time for a revisit?

--- Kirk Ass - Wait, William Shatner called JJ Abrams "a pig" for taking on Star Trek and Star Wars at once? Everybody's probably already discussed this but I missed it until now. I don't want to like William Shatner you guys.

--- And finally, go read my bud Joe's first piece for TribecaFilm, where he's become their new resident blogger! He's talking about cinematographer Roger Deakins' lesser-known works, on the cusp of him maybe finally winning his first Oscar for Skyfall, maybe possibly, well overdue for sure.

.

Looking To Llewyn

.

It's a little strange that out of all the things I could take away from seeing the first trailer for a new Coen Brothers movie that gives a bunch of prominent actors face time is a shot of a cat reflected in a subway window, but here we are. That shot is gorgeous. Anyway here's the trailer for the Coen Brothers new movie Inside Llewyn Davis, which that gorgeous cat shot is from (via):

I have to say that I'm not really sold on Oscar Isaac in general; he's been fine in the movies that I've seen him in (although I thought he was the weakest link in Drive) but I've been to two Q&As with him there and he's come off both times as totally insufferable in person. Totally insufferable.

And John Goodman is coming off a year where he gave two praised performances (in Argo and Flight) that I absolutely hated. So where are we? We're standing over here beside our beloved Carey Mulligan and Garrett Hedlund, that's where. Oh and the Coens, who have earned ten lifetimes of goodwill already. So we're there, with folk hippie beatnik bells on.

TGT11: The Great Gratuities of 2011 #20-11

.

I'm keeping the intros brief because this part's notsomuch about words. Although there are words. But also pictures, do not fear. We just posted twelve runners-up a bit ago - now here's number twenty through number eleven of my favorite male gratuitousness of 2011.

Joel Edgerton, Warrior - See this is what I was talking about in my list of runners-up when I said that the rules governing this list only follow some kind of insane logic in my head - for a movie promising an endless parade of beefcake, Warrior was strangely shy, and I ought to punish it for that. Especially when say for instance Thomas Jane and Rob Lowe, who only made runner-up, both got totally starkers in their movie. But Joel Edgerton is just so sexy, y'all. I cannot deny him. Just think if the movie had been more of a giver with that ass-kicking physique he built up. Oh what could have been.

Ryan Reynolds for Green Lantern - And this is another one. The fact that they CG'd a suit onto a body like Ryan Reynolds has, thereby muddying up ur understanding of how much everything below his neck actually was his for entire stretches of the film, is unforgivable.

But then... he does wear tighty-whities for a second! And he does writhe around on that space-table in litte underpants that one time! And... it's Ryan Reynolds, man. I can't help myself. Cut from fucking marble, this one. (more here)

Julián Villagrán for Extraterrestrial - We just posted some caps from this earlier this week, which do the scene some justice but not enough, because it just goes on and on for a wonderfully long time, even filling the entire screen with his underpants-clad crotch for a moment. It's a keeper.

Daniel Radcliffe for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II - Gone are the days when I will feel weird for lusting after young Harry Potter. They left right around the time he flashed his treasure-thicket in those promotional Equus pics. That's he's become such a staunch gay rights advocate only makes it feel even better.

Ashton Kutcher for No Strings Attached and Justin Timberlake for Friends With Benefits - Consider these two a tie since they made the exact same movies and I hate them both about the exact same amount and yet I cannot deny that they did their jobs by showing us their sexy hateful asses, thereby filling me with a confused lustful rage. I couldn't sit through these movies, but I could certainly fast-forward and then pause through them. See more Ashton here, and more Justin here. Justin gets bonus points for that jean-humping scene in Bad Teacher.

Sebastian Schipper and Devid Striesow for Three - This one's more for Sebastien since I just find him completely adorable, but Striesow can come along for the ride. So to speak.

Their hook-up scenes in Tom Tykwer's film are very very hot, especially that first one in the locker-room where Schipper's completely taken by surprise... very happy surprise... by Striesow's sudden advances.

Chris Zylka for Shark Night - While his co-stars Chris Carmack and Dustin Milligan only got also-ran status for this movie (although the latter gets bonus points for making sure his sweatshirt was inexplicably pushed open around his nips during his kidnapping) Zylka shoved his way up the list by the power of one wonderfully winking butt-cheek. Also, he got eaten by a shark while riding a jet-ski and that's just so much love.

Daniel Craig for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Cowboys and Aliens and Dream House (more here) - As much as I love DC's little black underpants in Dragon Tattoo, we seem to be judging him based on a curve at this point. It's the only explanation I can find for him only making it this high. We've been spoiled, I guess.

Tom Hardy for Warrior and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - You know what I said about Joel Edgerton barely making the list because Warrior was so criminally stingy with exploiting its prepped-for-exploitation menfolk? Same goes for Hardy's case therein, but then Tom went for extra credit by wearing a dress shirt and nothing else in Tinker and whoosh he shot ahead. As you'll see further on in the list, that's a look we seem to like a lot.
.

And on top of that he made that short film where he went above and beyond the call of duty, if by "above and beyond the call of duty" I mean going full-frontal and wiggling his dick around and wrestling with another guy all at once. Which I guess in this instance I absolutely do mean it that way. Bless you, Tom Hardy, for making me mean something that way.

.

poll by twiigs.com

.

Coming up: THE TOP TEN!

.

Pics of the Day

.

That picture of Brad Pitt and Dead Brad Pitt from behind-the-scenes of The Assassination of Jesse James is cracking me up. I would so have that thing in my home if I were him. Can you imagine the practical jokes you could play with a fake corpse of yourself? Angie's coming downstairs in the middle of the night to warm a bottle for the twins and there's Dead Brad sprawled across the linoleum, a bottle of pills spilled beside it, some shaving cream foaming from its mouth. Hilarity ensues! (I bet you ten to one she'd have the body tied down with rocks and tossed into the nearest river by her child army within an hour.)

Anyway I'm not even sure how I stumbled upon this but Christien Tinsley is an Oscar-winning make-up artist (he won for Passion of the Christ, so think "multiple lacerations") and on his website he's got a terrific gallery of his work, like Dead Brad Pitt up top. Beware there's some gory stuff at that link, but awesome as that is that's not what we're actually talking about this for. What we're excited about is the gallery of custom tattooing he's done for movies, specifically of the "on hot males" variety. Case in exquisite point:

Just the fact that there's a shot of Justin Theroux circa Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle that I haven't seen before (and a really large copy at that, click it to embiggen) is enough heaven, but there's so much more. If you hit the jump I've collected my favorite shots, including Jason Behr, Eric Balfour, Ben Foster, Vin Diesel, Johnny Knoxville, and Justin Timberlake.

I Am Link

.

--- The Bitter Tears Of Timberlake - I have no doubt that Ryan Gosling is an active participant in situating his hot-ass hipster image into the endearing little space it now inhabits, but that still doesn't mean I won't read this tidbit from an interview with Justin Timberlake as the sourest of grapes about his own "acting" career not quite reaching the heights of his former Mouseketeer buddy. Because I can! Stuff a dick in it, Justin.

--- Lil' Ladies - Saving this to read later: Rich at fourfour got to judge a child beauty pageant! Holy mother of crap that is awesome.

--- Scots Free - Saving this to watch later: The trailer for Pixar's Brave is now online. After not liking about half of Up and liking Toy Story 3 but not loving it and then not having any desire at all to see Cars 2 (even though I liked the first film more than msot people did, there's no way I'm encouraging the scourge of Larry the Cable Guy thank you very much), I am ready to love a Pixar movie again, so I really want to love this. The fact that it's got their first female lead character and that she's voiced by Kelly MacDonald instills a lot of positivity already.

--- Criss Cross - Some pics and a poster for Kristen Wiig's next movie Imogene showed up online today and I wrote about my feelings about that or whatever over at The Film Experience earlier this afternoon. I will take this opportunity to post that picture of Darren Criss from Glee since he's in the movie and otherwise I don't get to speak of him. Or that is, to gawk at him.

--- Fairest Of Pharoahs - David Fincher is still maybe gonna make a Cleopatra movie, and now it will maybe be written by the writer of his worst movie to date, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

--- Come On Ride It - Bong Joon-ho, the director of The Host (blecch) and Mother (not blecch), is prepping his next project called Snowpiercer, about a society that resides on a train after some kind of apocalypse. It's based on a French graphic novel, and will be filmed in the Czech Republic. It's gonna be produced by Park Chan-wook, and it'll feature Song kang-ho, who starred in several films for Bong and Park, in a "Han Solo-like" role.

--- Ten Gallon Testosterone - Is there any look that doesn't immediately become fetishized just by having Hugh Jackman wear it? Because after seeing this shot of him dressed up like a ridiculous cowboy car salesman for his new movie Butter, now I immediately have a cowboy car salesman fetish where one never existed before.

--- Must Be Bunnies - The 10 year anniversary of the "Once More, With Feeling" musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer just happened, which is so insane I can't even believe it. How is that possible? TEN YEARS? Anyway while I'm over here feeling ancient, you should check out The Film Experience top ten relating to the episode, and then see if you can stop yourself from immediately seeking out the episode to watch. I couldn't.

.

Bad Teacher in 300 Words or Less

.

I don't know what possessed me to put Bad Teacher in last night. There were a couple of factors I guess - the boyfriend's out of town and I knew he'd smartly have scratched my eyes out if I tried to make him watch it. I wanted something that I would only have to pay half attention to and yet maybe still get a couple chuckles out of it while doing that. And I do tend to like Cameron Diaz in comedies. I mean I saw her once in person a couple of years ago and she looked like a yellow Velociraptor so I don't particularly find her amongst the sexiest of actresses, but she's got charm and comedic timing, and this movie seemed like it could have some of the nasty joie de vivre of Bad Santa, its obvious forebear. 

Well whatever the accumulation of factors that led me here, I spit in their face with hate! Stupid factors, I hate you! Hate! What a piece of crap. Montrously tone-deaf. And how was this not the permanent nail in the "Justin Timberlake can act" coffin? The very first line that tumbles out of his mouth, where he introduces himself, falls right off the face of the Earth it is so unbelievable in its utterance. He sounds like he's wearing a person suit for the first time, and we might find some alien monster under his skin if we ripped off his face. Now that would've been a way to end the movie.

Alas, hormones win out again - the only reason I am even bothering to write anything about this movie at all is to include these gifs of his dry-humping in jeans scene, because as much as I hate him as an actor I still have eyes.