5 Off My Head - The Hottest Criterion Covers

They say sex sells, but the art-house media empire known as Criterion doesn't often subscribe to that notion. Sure their streaming service sometimes sluts it up with timed collections catering to such tastes. But when it comes to the actual physical media releases they put out? Let's just say they're not regularly porning up the shelves at your local neighborhood Barnes & Noble. Don't believe me? Just look at the artful but limp covers they gave us for notoriously horny movies like David Cronenberg's Crash and John Schlesinger's Midnight Cowboy:

Which is why last week's reveal of the cover art for Rainer Werner Fassbinder's Querelle (hitting those shelves in June) came at us like such a happy punch in the privates. Designed by the artist Astra Zero (follow them on Instagram here) the cover is appropriately horny for RWF's horny, horny final film, which we're ecstatic to see getting a proper release at last. But it got me thinking -- what other Criterion covers have stirred my (admittedly easily stirred) loins? So I made a list! And do keep in mind that I am extremely homosexual, so my list echoes those credentials. Make your own lists, straights! (Also clearly the Querelle one trumps everything else and should be considered #1 above all of these from here on out. It already won!)

The 5 Horniest Criterion Covers (Besides Querelle)

Claire Denis' Beau Travail -- I'm not as big a fan of Denis' 1999 erotic treatise on masculinity as a lot of you are, or as would typically make sense, given the film's notable focus on hard half-naked male bodies swinging around in hypnotic unison. But that doesn't mean I can argue with the shadowy visage of actor Grégoire Colin's bared, slick torso. I bought this disc even though I don't love the movie just because of the cover!

Jacques Deray's La Piscine -- I could have used any Criterion cover that has Alain Delon on it (his jawline on the Purple Noon cover could create a cult all on its own) but, even if a bit hetero to my linking, half-naked Alain & Romy Schneider clenched up in ecstacy is about  as hot and sweaty as these things get. Let's not get in the way of their erotic lifestyle!

Gus Van Sant's My Own Private Idaho -- Two of the most beautiful and sensitive movie stars on my early teen years at the height of their beauty and sensitivity, rocking hustler ennui while strapped to one another on the back of a motorcycle -- you can't see that the motorocycle is there in the cover image but you can probably feel it, humming between your thighs all the same. And if not, well, they sure are on top of each other huh? 

Andrew Haigh's Weekend -- Seeing actor Chris New working his way down actor Tom Cullen's naked body again this rumpled mid-coitus snapshot image slams you right back there into the middle of this 2011 masterpiece of intimacy from Haigh and you realize -- oh right that's where I have wanted to be all this time. Back in bed with those two!

Carl Franklin's Devil in a Blue Dress -- Sometimes all it takes is peak Denzel Washington in a white tank top, what can I say?

-----------------------------------------

Runners-up: Joyce Chopra's Smooth Talk, Yukio Mishima's Patriotism, Paul Schrader's The Comfort of Strangers, Alfonso Cuaron's Y Tu Mama Tambien, Wong Kar Wai's In the Mood For Love, Stephen Frears' My Beautiful Laundrette

-----------------------------------------

What would be your picks for Criterion's horniest covers?

Pics of the Day

In April of last year I told y'all about a show called The Gold that was being made that would have amongst its cast the MNPP ultra-threesome of Dominic Cooper, Jack Lowden, and Tom Cullen -- huz-fuckin-zah, man. Well today the first photos from the show have arrived (thanks to Emma for the heads up) and could it be??? Is that Tom Cullen in a speedo??? It is, it is! Reminds me of the time Dominic Cooper starred in The Devil's Double and rocked a speedo, so let me refresh your memories on that...

... not that I think anybody who'd seen that at the time has forgotten it. But I could honestly post a refresher of that every single day and I doubt I'd get a single complaint. (See more here, in fact.) Anyway this show just became Must See TV. What is it about, you ask? That matters, I ask back? Fine fine, it's about the true story of an enormous bank robbery in 1983 yadda yadda criminals and coppers and whatnot. It his the BBC "soon" is all that article says, so we'll keep an eye out. For now hit the jump for a few more photos of our boys...

I Quit Smoking Fourteen Years Ago Today

Cue up your best cancer cough and prepare for imminent arousal, as it's our favorite smoke-tastic time of year again -- May 5th, when I annually celebrate the day I stopped smoking cigarettes with a massive collection of photographs of celebrity actor people posing with butts in hand. The smoking kind of butts! Not the other kind -- after all we post the other kind of butts being handled 364 days a year. Today's for the simple smoking sort.

Anyway it's kinda nuts I've been doing these posts for fourteen (!!!!) full years now (click here for the entire archive) and I still haven't come anywhere near to running out of photographs -- I do keep a folder of these all year long to build up to the moment, but still, this is the easiest job I assign myself. And that's probably why I've managed to keep it up! 

But disastrously deadly health side-effects aside nobody's stopped taking these photos in the slightest. And there's something kind of horribly reassuring about that to me? Don't get me incorrect, I am incredibly glad I qui, and I don't recommend anybody start and/or continue smoking... but it remains the second sexiest damn thing I can see beautiful men doing. I'm sorry! It just is and does and I have the proof of it! Now hit the jump for dozens...

Cowboys and Criminals and Coopers, Oh My

Anybody watching the Western series That Dirty Black Bag on AMC+ right now? As seen above it stars our boy Dominic Cooper in his first big role since our beloved Preacher ended a couple of years ago -- you could tell me it was a decade ago and I'd believe you given the way time's been moving, but no, Preacher ended in September of 2019. Anyway I am saving a binge of That Dirty Black Bag later on so no, I don't know the context of the above photo I took out-of-context, but I dig, I dig. 

That show's not why I'm here today though -- today I'm here for the news that Cooper is about to co-star in another limited series, this one with our other boys Jack Lowden and Tom Cullen! Based on true events of a big robbery in 1983, the series called The Gold (thx Mac) will star Cooper & Lowden & Cullen alongside Downton Abbey's Hugh Bonneville and the great Sean Harris, and in its six episodes will deal with what's called the UK's "Crime of the Century" and several years of its aftermath. There's more at the link above. I'm there with that cast of hunkery. 

Tom Cullen Presents...

Here's a lil' something for your radars -- and by "lil' something" I'm not referring to that photo of actor Tom Cullen above, since that's a big something, good grief -- on April 1st IFC Midnight is releasing a horror film called Barbarians that stars Mr. Cullen there (playing an uber-douchey tech-bro type) alongside Games of Thrones actor Iwan Rheon and the great Catalina Sandino Moreno (so fine in Maria Full of Grace back in 2004 -- talk about an under-used talent) and I've got the trailer for you. 

It looks like it's a home invasion thriller kinda thing, maybe with some Folk Horror thrown in? Also pretty sure I saw a flash of Sex Education actor Connor Swindells in there, in which case I am legally bound to post a link to this personal fave gratuity whenever he comes up. Anyway Barbarians hits both theaters and VOD on April 1st, so keep on the look out! Here's the trailer:

Good Morning, World

.

This week I tweeted out a picture of Tom Cullen looking mighty might bearded and fine at an event for his film Pink Wall early last month that's morphed into a short thread of me swooning over Tom Cullen (look out for a lot of flirting between him and Kit Harington!) and that seems like the sort of thing I oughta transfer right here onto the site proper. Especially once I realized I'd never giffed his bathtub scene in Andrew Haigh's 2011 gay romantic masterpiece Weekend. The shock, the awe. Do any of you watch Tom's Netflix show Knightfall? I posted about it one time when the first trailer arrived and promptly forgot to ever watch it -- this week its second season dropped and I'm curious if I should give it a go. I mean I have to finish GLOW still, and then Mindhunter hits on Friday, so it's not like I've got all this spare time laying around, but that's just the story of our lives now right? Right. Sigh. Tom Cullen take me away...

Get Yourself Someone Who Looks At You...

.

... the way Glen looks at Russell.

... the way Lena looks at Barry.

... the way Hideko looks at Sook-hee.

... the way John looks at Fanny.

.

Tom Cullen Has Been Working Out

.

Y'all remember Tom Cullen of Weekend right? Weekend is a good movie so I hope so. Hard to believe it's been over five years since that movie came out but it has indeed been just that, and in the time since he's been on Downton Abbey and he's co-starred in a movie with Idris Elba's bum but we haven't seen all that much of him... and it seems that's because he's been at the damned gym the whole time.

That is from the trailer for Knightfall, an upcoming History Channel series which seems poised to do for the Knights Templar what The Tudors did for Henry Cavill's ass and what Vikings did for three-ways with priests and what Game of Thrones did for stabbing fetuses in the face - make it all the rage! I'm not surprised that The History Channel (which apparently just go by History now?) is getting in on this racket - it makes perfect sense. Knightfall is set to debut this fall. Here's the full trailer:

.

.

But that ain't the only Tom Cullen news - he's also got a movie coming out on March 5th! It's called The Other Half and it co-stars Tatiana Maslany, who everybody and their brother is in love with thanks to that clone-show Orphan Black (which I still have never seen) (I KNOW). The description of The Other Half -- it is about "a grief-stricken man and a bipolar woman who fall in love and attempt to forge a simple life together" -- sounds like a bit much to me (that's a lot of angst in just a few words) but who knows, and Tom looks damn fine in that buffalo plaid jacket he's wearing in all of the photos from it...

Good Morning, World

.

I've got to be a bit quick this morning -- it's a busy one! But that shouldn't stop us from taking a moment quick-like to stare at Idris Elba's naked body, now should it? They say you should take time to stop and smell the roses - well my version of roses are Idris Elba's butt-cheeks, and my nose is ready. Primed to sniff! These pictures are from his 2016 British film 100 Streets - I don't think it even got a US release? It co-stars Gemma Aterton and Tom Cullen (mmm Tom Cullen) and in a brief but memorable role, Idris Elba's butt-cheeks. See their Oscar-worthy performance after the jump...

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... making a mess with Rob James Collier and Tom Cullen.

Tom Cullen Five Times

.

So super excited to see the Weekend actor pop up on Downton Abbey this season, aren't you guys? I know I shouldn't be pigeon-holing him as an actor by hoping he gets to know Thomas while up in the Abbey, but he wouldn't be the first sexy suitor of Miss Mary's to be on the recieving end of that particular footman's advances. Click on over here for ye olde gratuitous post for Mr. Cullen, it's most worthy of your time.

.

I Am Link

.

--- My What A Big Mouth - April 19th is when the Eli Roth produced (and maybe he directed some of it? I can't remember) horror series Hemlock Grove hits Netflix, and EW has the poster for it, seen there to the left, which is pretty nifty. It reminds me of the video-cover for The Company of Wolves which terrified me for years when I was little.

--- Double Zero - Boo, I was hoping he'd come back - Sam Mendes isn't directing another Bond movie. I guess swooping in and making something as terrific as Skyfall and then swooping back out isn't so bad a way to do it. Let's get... like Pedro Almodovar in there this time. Somebody who'll have Daniel Craig in nothing but his swimsuit the whole movie.

--- Good Girl - I missed this while sick but here's the trailer for Kristen Wiig's new movie Girl Most Likely; ever since they changed the title from Imogene I always forget this is that movie.

--- Cotton Candy - I assume you've seen this character posters for The Hunger Games by now, they've been everywhere, but here's most of them if you haven't. I love Effie.

--- Ash Wednesday - Sam Raimi says he's going to work on the script for an Evil Dead 4 this Summer - that is, you know, a new one with Bruce Campbell as Ash, having nothing to do with the reboot that's coming out in a few weeks - and then he says oh wait not so fast, suckers. He's such a tease. Oh and Raimi also tells why here that his Spider-Man 4 never happened too.

--- Statue Envy - Nat takes a look at actors who still work who still haven't won Oscars even though they've been repeatedly nominated in list-form over at The Film Experience. Makes you kinda crazy, it does.

--- Gentleman Caller - Tom Cullen, aka the hot one in Weekend (see lots of him here), has just joined the cast of Downton Abbey. He's getting the part that we'd heard speculation about that other hot piece getting, til he wasn't.

--- RIP Rom Com - A really insightful piece on what's happened (or not happened) to the romantic comedy genre over at NPR. Yesterday after I was done reading this I put in Roman Holiday and vegged to one of the classics.

.

TGT11: The Great Gratuities of 2011, #10-1

.

Again, I'm keeping this brief because you're already scanning down through the list, I know it.... yup, there you went. Here's a link to twelve runners-up to this list if you missed them, and here's #20-11. And now drumroll  etc. here's my ten favorite male gratuities of 2011.

Ryan Gosling for Crazy Stupid Love -  I imagine I will get yelled at for Ryan only making #10 - I know how attached y'all have become to him. Me too! Me too, dammit. The efforts of nine (well ten technically) others just outweighed his dapper swagger here by a bit. (He probably lost some points for keeping The Driver fully clothed the whole time, if I'm gonna be honest. He couldn't pose and flex on the hood of a hot car even once?) 

Tom Cullen and Chris New for Weekend - Tom Cullen had me at his "dick-in-butt face." Seriously though these guys chemistry was off the charts (impressive since Cullen's apparently straight) and they made just lounging around the morning after sexy. Although the night during was totally good too. (more here)

Alexander Skarsgard for Straw Dogs and Melancholia - Alex would've placed lower on the list if it had just been for Straw Dogs (not to knock it - he's redneck sex incarnate) but then I remembered at the last minute him half out of his tux on the bedroom floor in Melancholia and he shot ahead a few spots right quick. A man half out of formal wear is the best look ever. (more Straw Dogs here)

Jung-jae Lee for The Housemaid - Besides his perfect physical form (what is this "besides" of which I speak?) there's such an arrogant air about Lee in this movie that is so hot. He's such a jerk! Delicious. From the front and especially the back...

Otto Jr. for The Silver Cliff - Oh how I wish I could offer up more photos of Otto Jr. in The Silver Cliff than I've been able to show off so far. I posted some shots back when I first saw the movie from the brief footage I could find online, but there's so much more to see. The film starts with a long shot of him walking around in public in just a little black speedo, and a few minutes later he'll have seemed positively overdressed back when he was in that little black speedo. And he's such a big bushy-bearded brute. 

Chris Evans for What's Your Number? and Captain America and Puncture - It was only a year or two ago that Chris Evans' publicist or manager or whoever said he was stepping away from taking off his shirt, wasn't it? I can't really remember, the ripples from the internet exploding are still coming backwards through time and clouding my perception.

But what a difference some sanity makes. Chris went all out in 2011, pumping up to hulking enormity for Captain America (more here), wearing stripper-suspenders and not much else in Puncture (more here and here), and then there was the behemoth that was his 95% unclothed performance in What's Your Number (more here and here and here). Good boy, Chris.

Eric Bana for Hanna - In another year Eric Bana coming out of the water in nothing but a soaking wet pair of long underwear would have blown away all the competition, but good god has this been a wonderfully crazy year. The top three beat him out by excess alone - if only Eric had elbowed that little blonde girl out of the way and spent the whole running time swimming around and sunning himself on rocks, then maybe he'd have topped the top three. (Mmmm that phrase.) See a bunch of caps here.

Henry Cavill for Immortals - I rewatched Immortals last week and felt exactly the same way I did about it in the theater - it's beyond beautiful and also deadly dull. It just takes itself far too seriously when it should be having more fun. But then I also felt that nothing else matters in the world except for the ridiculous ridiculous ridiculous body that Henry Cavill was swinging around the whole time. Just... ridiculous. (And the fact that Man of Steel has him keeping the body while growing out his chest hair on top of that means you can check off a spot in next year's list as reserved.) See more from Immortals here and here and here and here and here.

Dominic Cooper for The Devil's Double - Double the pleasure and double the Dom, this movie was the love letter to Dominic Cooper's most perfect ass slash everything above and below that most perfect ass that we've all been waiting for. It's so amazing it has to be on screen twice at the same time! Just imagine the lucky duck who did the special effects on this movie, spending hours of their day CG'ing four Dominic Cooper ass-cheeks into a single frame. That right there is the most fortunate person in the world. I hope they retired after this, living off the memories for the rest of their life. It's all downhill from there, lucky person! See extensive caps here.

And finally...

Michael Fassbender for Shame - Otherwise known as "Duh!" This pick was chiseled into stone tablets by a soothsayer several millennia ago. Not only did he give my favorite performance by a male actor this year but he exposed his emotions and the extensive length of his shaft. That's called honing your craft.

Is there any wonder he's the biggest thing to happen to Hollywood in years? When George Clooney christens the great ship Movie Star by swinging your penis against it like a bottle of champagne then you know you've arrived. See previous posts devoted to Fassy the man and Fassy the man-parts (calling his dick Fassy Jr. just does not work, for most obvious reasons) here and here. Bonus points to Michael for coming out swinging in X-Men: Muppet Babies, giving us a preview of coming attractions.

.

poll by twiigs.com

.