Another Summer Slice And Dice

As foretold this morning my review for the latest installment of the I Know What You Did Last Summer franchise has arrived -- click on over to read it at Mashable. And what can I say except -- spoiler alert -- I liked it just fine! It's weird and it seems to actually like its main characters and (most importantly) it goes out of its way over and over and over again to properly honor the icon that is Helen Shivers -- how could I possibly complain? That said I can already tell my opinion's going to be the unpopular one -- I went to add my review to the film's Rotten Tomatoes page and was met by a great big green splat. Oh well. I've been off-brand with all the general opinions on horror movies this year, so this is just another chapter in an ongoing trend. What can I say -- the movie is dumb as hell but I had a good time, and it's got a couple of fan-service cameos that made my toes curl. I'm easy. In summation please also say hello to Joshua Orpin, who I also mentioned in this morning's earlier post -- let's get that pretty boy into my field of vision a lot more often stat.

Good Morning, World

I've got two count 'em two big reviews dropping today and I will link to them when they're live, but on that tip I figured I'd finally get around to sharing the trailer for the latest I Know What You Did Last Summer movie (out on Friday) since that's one of the two movies I'm reviewing and this movie is practically throbbing with hot dudes all around. Throbbing! Above is Tyriq Withers who I posted about previously when the trailer for the football horror movie Him dropped a few months ago -- after watching him on-screen I one thousand percent understand why he's about to be a big thing. His sauna scene glimpsed in the trailer and in the above gif is brief but will do for the current generation of youths what Ryan Phillippe's shower scene in the original movie did for people my age. But beyond Tyriq there's also Jonah Hauer-King with a breathstopping abs reveal, Austin Nichols playing a weirdly sleeveless pastor, Daddy Billy Campbell, and The Fisherman's first victim (not much of a spoiler since the trailer gives the entire scene away) the utterly gorgeous Joshua Orpin. This movie is horror hunkery at its finest! 

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Professor Abraham Van Helsing: Civilization,

and syphilization, have advanced together.

One of the foundational films of my film-loving life, Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula, premiered in Los Angeles on this day thirty years ago. Which means that this is also give or take the thirty year anniversary of me kicking a hole in my mother's bedroom door because she refused to let me go see the R-rated movie I so desperately wanted to see. Ahhh memories!

Funny enough I only this year saw the movie for the first time on the big screen when the Paris Theater here in NYC played it -- it was as spectacular as expected, and the next time I'm home I might have to kick a hole in my mother's bedroom door again for keeping me from the experience for thirty full fucking years. What a movie! 

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13 Mustaches of Halloween #6

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Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula is very nearly a perfect movie, in my ever so humble opinion - nearly perfect except for one little thing: Gary Oldman's young sexy Dracula is not in any way shape or form sexy. Don't come at me, bro. He just isn't. Oldman does a commendable job playing Old Wizened Dracula and Werewolf Dracula and Pile Of Rats Dracula - all of those things I can buy Gary Oldman as. But sexy? With that weave?

Their sex scene is definitely somewhere on my list of movie moments that had me going full Val Cherish with a deep-throated "I don't need to see that." That said Ryder & Oldman are at least able to sell me on the sweep and spell of their ancient doomed romance... but the non-sexiness of Gary Oldman becomes even more problematic for me when it comes to the character of Lucy...

... because Miss Lucy already has two perfectly ride-able mustaches right there at her disposal. Prissy Cary Ewes and Cowboy Billy Campbell, man! You can't go wrong with Cowboy Billy Campbell.

But perhaps I'm nuts? Y'all tell me...

survey hosting

And click here for the 13 Mustaches of Halloween!

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Great Moments in Movie Staches

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It's been a good long while since I've watched any of the Tales of the City miniseries and there is a lot I have forgotten plot-wise but Paul Hopkins' early 80s gay porn-stache is not the sort of thing one forgets. That I remember. What happens, plot-wise anyway, with his character, that I don't so much remember...

... and given he was playing a sexually-active gay man in the 1980s that leaves his fate a question mark. Which brings me to the recently announced Netflix sequel - I can't complain about Hopkins' name not being attached so far because I can't remember if Michael lives or dies. Hrm. Well his stache lives forever, that much is sure.

Good Morning, Billy

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I didn't watch Tales of the City until years and years after it aired - I think it was about a decade ago I finally sat down with it when it got released on DVD. Anyway even though the ages of the actors in it should've told me better I always thought of it as having aired much earlier than it did and I'm always surprised to see it aired (the first part anyway) in 1993. Anyway I always cringe at straight actors being told they've been "brave" for playing gay roles but it still was, much to my chagrin, kinda brave in 1993 - especially in a role so sexualized (no chaste kisses while dying of AIDS here) - so Billy Campbell does deserve his props. 

For both his "bravery" and his bum. This was after he starred in The Rocketeer! Because of the way my brain messes up the timeline I always think of it as before. Anyway a happy 56th birthday to Billy today, who's still working hard and looking entirely fuckable these days. He's got a surprisingly rich presence online by the way - you can follow him on Twitter and Instagram, and he posts pretty often. Oh and see lots more of him of the gratuitous sort in this old post.

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Good Morning, Arnold

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I wasn't planning on doing this morning's post in honor of Arnold Schwarzenegger's 67th birthday, but then I looked around anyway and well... what the fuck is this scene in Red Heat? I haven't seen Red Heat since I was a kid, I don't remember it at all, but I feel like I'm watching a scene from Tales From the City here. 

Is that Billy Campbell? Where's Olympia Dukakis? Is Arnold headed to see Bette Midler and Barry Manilow performing around the corner?

Tell her to sing "Do You Wanna Dance," Arnie!

Actually this being an Arnold movie there's sadly no sing-a-long to "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" happening in the next room - it's nothing but brawling in there. How butch.

"I hate 'The Rose'!!!"

You tell him, Arnie!

(Thank goodness they tied those little strings so tightly! 

That's thinking ahead.)

"Do you wanna dance..."

"... with my fist???"

Do Dump or Marry - Lucy's Beaus

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Before she gets herself bitten by Dracula and becomes "A bitch of the Devil! A whore of darkness!", Mina's best friend Lucy (Sadie Frost) is in the middle of a conundrum - she's got three very different very fine suitors all clamoring for her hand. (Let's be nice and say it's her "hand" they're clamoring for.) They are the rich Texan Quincey Morris (played by the dreamy Billy Campbell), who always carries an extra-big Bowie knife where ever he goes...

... the would-be-Lord Arthur Holmwood (played by the still dreamy at this point Cary Elwes)...

... and the asylum-keeper Dr. John "Jack" Seward (played by the, uh, Richard E. Grant).

Just before succumbing to vampire-fever Lucy picks Arthur since he's the responsible pick that her family will most approve of (showing she's not nearly the wild thing she pretends to be, just before being turned into the wild thing anyway), but let's pretend it's our choice to make: Which one would you put on the frill-necked wedding gown for, which one would you sneak off to the garden to reenact scenes from Arabian Nights with, and which would you send off scurrying into the night without his supper?

Which Is Hotter?

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Charlton Heston as Moses in The Ten Commandments,

or Billy Campbell as Moses in In The Beginning?

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poll by twiigs.com

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Did y'all hear the news that Steven Spielberg's planning on making a movie about Moses' life? The whole thing of course, from the basket floating down the river to the old man wandering in the desert, all that jazz. Says DH:

"The tone is expected to be less Cecile B. De Mille and more Braveheart with Moses portrayed as one of history's great warriors. It will also be filmed with a gritty and realistic tone akin to Spielberg's own Saving Private Ryan."

Mkay. With this and Darren Aronofsky's Noah epic I guess the time has come for Bible stories. I want Sodom and Gomorrah: The Movie then! Anyway when I saw this news I figured I'd look up and see what actors have played Moses in the past that are named something other than Charlton Heston and that's how I stumbled upon the fact that beautiful Billy Campbell (you'll want to click that link) played him in this 2000 TV movie which I don't remember existing. Apparently neither does the world because I could find literally zero point zero zero pictures of him in the role online! WTF, internet? Fail. Somebody did upload the entire movie onto YouTube though (I don't know), so I dutifully scanned through it until I found him. But you wanna know what else I discovered while dutifully scanning through it?

Mmhmm. Eddie Cibrian plays some kind of slave boy and it appears as if he sexes his way to the top of the slave ladder. Okay again I was only fast-forwarding through it and I wasn't listening to the dialogue at all, so this is probably an entirely skewed version of the events, but hey, it's what we got. I mean come on. Everybody's eyeing Eddie like he's a sizzling slab of beef and they haven't eaten in a month.

Point being, religion ain't just bad stuff! It's also about hot guys spending all their time together without anything on under their robes. Never forget that.

See several more gifs after the jump. Love the shot of him 

checking out his spectacular ass in his stylin' new outfit.

Gratuitous Billy Campbell

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Is it Bill or Billy? He's 51 today so I guess we've moved on to Bill, which is how IMDb has him listed. I prefer Billy. Am I still talking about this? Happy birthday, Bill(y) Campbell! You know, I never had a crush on him until I watched all of the Tales of the City movies a year or two ago. Somehow he'd stayed off my radar all that time. I didn't watch Once and Again - an obvious mistake on my part, judging from at the very least, all that critical praise aside, how many shots below from the show there are of him half-naked - and I've still never seen The Rocketeer. I guess my biggest exposure to him until recently was his role as Quincy in Bram Stoker's Dracula and he's hardly in that and covered by a giant mustache.


Oh well. I love him now. Just in time for him to scarcely work! Well at least we've got all this to remember him by. All this... is a lot, by the way. Living up to the gratuitous title once again, I am.

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