Good Morning, World

Colton Haynes says rise and shine, people. (via)

Colton Haynes Eight Times

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Is Arrow still on? It's weird that I never did get into any of those CW superhero shows, given how gay-friendly slash beefcake-centric they all became, but there are only so many hours in a day, man. Anyway I guess that's where Colton has been and why I haven't seen him in awhile, but this new photo-shoot (via) has him looking real good! You can  hit the jump for the rest...
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Do Dump or Marry: The Guys of July 13th

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Tomorrow is a big day in Hot Guy Birthdays (no not me I'm not until Sunday, sillies) - it's the birthday of Harrison Ford, Fran Kranz, Stanley Weber, Colton Haynes, and Steven R. McQueen. I'm gonna ignore those first two (although if you click on their names you'll see I've done the opposite in the past) and focus on the latter trio for a round of our favorite gratuitous parlor game Do Dump or Marry. 

Colton & Steve McQueen's Grandson seem like they co-starred in something, don't they? But I guess they didn't even though there are lots of pictures of them together, I don't know. Maybe the CW connection (McQueen was on the Vampire Diaries and Colton was on Arrow). Anyway our third is Stanley Weber, who should really really really be put in more things I watch, but if you're unfamiliar check out this big ol' post we did and make yourself the opposite. 

And now give us your answers in the comments...

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Bring Nick Robinson Home With You

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The teen gay rom-com called Love Simon is hitting blu-ray in two weeks (specifically on June 12th) and so all sorts of special features and what-nots (or perhaps even better in the immortal words of Dr. Suess "whoozits") are getting unloaded online in order to best separate you the consumer from that cash money burning a hole in your wallet and or/ purse-shaped object. I liked the movie an awful lot, more than I anticipated given its Pottery Barn leanings, you can read my review here. I really do think it's more interesting than it's gotten credit for. 

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Also (as I argued in my review) LOVE SIMON is structurally way queerer than it gets credit for - it turns the rom-com inside out, making a void, an absence, half its “rom” - it’s as sound a representation of “The Closet” as I’ve seen

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) May 17, 2018

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Anyway one of the things they've released to whet your appetite is a deleted scene that features Colton Haynes hitting on Nick Robinson at a bar, and I think it's safe to say that several people just had to close their browsers and go change their pants after I typed that so let's just watch...
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New video 🎥 Deleted Bar Scene from #LoveSimon starring Nick Robinson. pic.twitter.com/5qLJxCDSBQ

— Nick Robinson Updates (@dailynickrob) May 29, 2018

Good Morning, World

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Good morning, everyone! I'm currently a little confounded that a quick search here on the site turns up nada zilch zippo on Bigger, the forthcoming bio-pic of the Weider brothers, the so-called "grandfathers of the fitness craze." I didn't even mention it this past Tuesday when I did the big gratuitous Aneurin Barnard post and he plays one of the brothers! I am terrible, Muriel. The other brother is played by Tyler Hoechlin, seen above in the movie's first official picture (good choice) with Julianne Hough, who's playing his wife. Also in the cast: Steve Guttenberg, who I think is playing their father, and Colton Haynes, who's playing fitness legend Jack Lalanne. One reason why I'm so surprised...

... I haven't posted anything before is I knew I had this batch of pictures of Tyler in a speedo on the set ages ago and how in the ever-loving heck did I never end up posting them? What the hell, me? Oh well we're making up for it today, hit the jump for a couple dozen such speedo-clad things...

Do Dump or Marry: Rough Knights

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While Rough Night is mostly about the ladies (and what ladies to be about) there are a couple of fellas in the film, and fellas worth a glance or two or three even at that. And when I shared that picture of Colton Haynes in his stripper-appropriate garb earlier I noticed these two shots also on his Instagram - above that's him with model-turned-actor Ryan Cooper (you will want to check his Instagram here) and in the middle Paul W. Downs (who you probably know from Broad City). So what better time to do a "Do Dump or Marry" contest? Gimme your answer in the comments!

And to see a fun interview with the
ladies of Rough Night click right here!
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Colton Haynes Is Not All There Is

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I checked IMDb earlier to see what movies are out this weekend (besides Rough Night, which I reviewed yesterday, and which yes does indeed co-star Colton Haynes in a thong) and it's kind of a desert? I mean okay I might want to see Mandy "Cock-chuggin!" Moore get mauled by a shark as much as the next guy, but I literally had no idea that Cars 3 had even been made already, much less was out this weekend. 

Sorry Armie, all I see is you! Anyway IMDb is telling me that Ken Loach's last-year Cannes winner I, Daniel Blake is coming out finally and... well, that seems insane (how the hell is that only coming out now?) but I recommend that film. Here's my review from last fall's NYFF. It's some Super Depressing Counter Summer Programming, but worth seeing.  Dave Johns and Hayley Squires are amazingly good in the two lead roles.

If you do happen to be in NYC though there is a ton playing this weekend at the smaller movie-houses; here's just a taste -- BAM's annual CinemaFest just started last night in Brooklyn and they're showing some things that look excellent (You Must See A Ghost Story!) and The Quad has a series timed to Gay Pride called "Quadrophilia" and they're screening films by Ira Sachs, Gregg Araki, and Luchino Visconti among others. I'm keeping myself busy!

Toot Toot Hey Beep Beep

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Anybody who's seen her host SNL or was able to peel their eyes off of Joseph Gordon Levitt's biceps in Don Jon knows that Scarlett Johannsson can be a brilliant comedian. I don't often have the opportunity to work "marble columns" into a day's conversation but if I can find a way, I will, and I will always and forever be amused. Sadly it's a skill she's not been called on to use much in her Big Movie Star Career, where the dudes making the movies have more often than not preferred to make like Isaac Mizrahi and grab her by the boobs instead. 

But like that infamously awkward moment (which actually gets tweaked here with a terrific sight gag for those paying quick attention) she's taken it in stride and come out on its better side (its under-boob?) - 16 years after Ghost World she's as good as she's ever been and more popular than ever, and so she gets to headline a Big Dumb Comedy in the mold of The Hangover (a movie starring Bradley Cooper in 2009, the same year he also starred in He's Just Not That Into You opposite... wait for it... Scarlett Johannsson.) 

And as a chance to hang out with ScarJo, being goofy alongside a goofy gaggle of game gals (sorry my alliteration key got stuck for a second there), Rough Night often delivers. Its best moments are the ones where it lets slide its need for 80s-era plot mechanisms (Diamond thieves? Really?) and just allows Johannson and Ilana Glazer and Zoe Kravitz and Jillian Bell and of course the current world's greatest scene-stealer Kate McKinnon, to be free as their freaky selves can be, riffing on joyous nonsense like they do. There's one bit of physical comedy from McKinnon in particular, momentarily suffering from a high-larious bout of brain damage, that had me in my own sort of stitches.

But the plot, a melange of Very Bad Things and Weekend at Bernie's dolled up in Bachelorette party dresses, does get in the way, mostly because the multiple strands keep feeling unformed and discarded. The ideas are there but the follow-through keeps trailing off, like a drunk in a doughnut factory, leaving a string of half-gnawed crullers in their wake. Delicious for them maybe, but kind of frustrating for us to stare at for almost two hours. Finish the damn doughnut, son!

And to bring it full circle, in the bad full circle kind of way, Johannsson is sadly, and atypically, the weak link - in the immortal words of Tyra Banks I was rooting for her, we were all rooting for her, but she approaches the material tepidly, nervously, and I think it might be that inclination that keeps the film from flying off its hinges like it really needed to. Everybody else was certainly game but Scarlett keeps biting her lip and tripping over every gag, playing a straight man's idea of The Straight Man - her self-conscious performance erases much of the stakes of shaking off the serious person shackles and the night, for all its murder sex and mayhem, ultimately feels about as rough as a single Appletini too many.

The Mad Case of the Face Fuzzed Male Stripper

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If you've seen the first trailer for Rough Night, Scarlett Johansson's upcoming ensemble comedy with Kate McKinnon, Jillian Bell, Ilana Glazer and Zoë Kravitz, then you know the gist -- it's Very Bad Things plus Weekend At Bernie's multiplied by Bachelorette. A bunch of bad-acting humans being of the female kind accidentally murder a stripper and then lug his corpse around for both tomfoolery and shenanigans, perhaps not in that order. Well a new trailer dropped today and it's showing off more of the tomfoolery and the shenanigans (perhaps not in that order) but there's one quick blip that really caught my eye...

I don't think I am going blind but hey anything's possible, I do turn 40 in a couple of months and I have done a lot of drugs in my life. Anyway you tell me if I'm nuts or not -- the dude high-kickin' in that powder blue thong has his face blurred out right? That's not just a case of movement blurring things - his face is actually intentionally obscured? Here I zoomed in a little:

How strange! It's a mystery! I'm pretty sure that's not the stripper we see buy it, because that stripper's wearing jeans when he buys it, and (I've got my Sherlock cap on) he's got a pierced nipple...

(Sidenote: this whole ridiculous post was worth it just to make that gif of Jillian Bell leap-frogging on that man) Anyway Blurred Man and Stripper Man appear to have pretty different bodies, to my trained eye. So who is the Blurred Guy? And why is he blurred? Looking through the cast list my guess is that's...

... Colton Haynes (who we see in the trailer dressed as a cop) in the thong. There's no way Colton Haynes is playing a real cop. Colton Haynes is a Stripper Cop if ever there was a Stripper Cop. And that looks like Colton's body type to me. So are there multiple strippers? And why would they blur Colton Haynes' face??? Whatever the answer is at this point I clearly have spent too much time thinking about this - I'm treating this Thong Footage like it's the Zapruder film for fuck's sake; Colton Haynes' Bulge On The Grassy Knoll! So I have to stop. Here's the trailer. Y'all figure it out yourselves. 

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Rough Night is out on June 16th.

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Which is Hotter?

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Well isn't this just a hilarious coincidence -- both Luke Evans and Colton Haynes, professional confirmed bachelors, have revealed that they've had their nipples pierced within the past week. Colton posted that shot on his Instagram and Luke was seen at the beach (hanging out with his speedo friend again to boot). Somebody should really get these two together -- they can go be confirmed bachelors with each other, nipple-playing to their hearts content.

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Good Morning, Colton Haynes

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I post some Colton Haynes every so often for you people since he does very little for me personally (the sacrifices, the sacrifices!) -- he's even more of a Ken Doll to me than Matt Bomer is; I just get nothing off of him. I can register, "That is a handsome thing," but that's about it. These are some handsome thing pictures, though. 

I was thinking about Mr. Haynes this week though because San Andreas hit blu-ray and I don't think I ever properly reviewed it... not that it's a movie that you can really review. You can describe the plot and the action sequences and to what degree of dumb the characters act and the people, they'll make up their own damn minds. I had fun with San Andreas but as y'all know I am a total sucker for Disaster Movies. It was what it was, it is what is is, etc.

But I was thinking of Colton specifically because I remember seeing so much of him in the press as the movie came out and when I was finished watching the movie I realized he was in what, the first five minutes? I suppose these are spoilers -- but come on, who cares -- but they use the opening scene of the film to set up this working relationship between The Rock (who waited until this week to show his butt, what a waste) and his fellow helicopter heroes, played by Colton and some other dude I'm blanking on, and then we never see the other two again after that! It kind of defies the logic of disaster movies -- why set up these characters if you're not going to give us dramatic death scenes? I am owed seeing Colton Haynes swallowed by a gigantic hole dammit! (Admittedly I could probably just go to WeHo any weekend and see some version of that.) Anyway hit the jump for a few more Colton pics...

I Am Link

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--- Queer Pioneer - There are a couple of great series coming up at movie-houses here in New York City that I feel the need to mention, even if only briefly. First, MoMA is doing a retrospective of queer-punk Bruce La Bruce's films (stuff like Hustler White and Raspberry Reich) at the end of April - the most awkward movie-going experience of my life was in college sitting between my best friend and this guy I had a huge crush on while watching the X-rated version of Skin Flick, which is basically skinhead porn. I know I put on an aggressive front here at the blog but in real life I'm kind of a wallflower and I was not comfortable in that place! Point being I probably won't go to any of these movies because I'm too shy but I do think BLB can be interesting. Behind closed doors. (I really like Otto, or Up With Dead People.)

--- Slasher Up - The other exciting movie series coming up here in New York is Anthology Film Archive's second Giallo series - the first one a couple of years ago was a trip and a half and they've got some great titles lined up for this sequel, including stuff by Argento and Bava and Lenzi and Fulci and all the big names in Italian yellow. Anthology's website is still stuck in the dark ages so read this piece at Fangoria, it's easier to rifle through the titles that way.

--- Maxwell Man - I considered doing this as a "Quote of the Day" but it's actually kind of vague a quote when I looked at it so we'll just stick it here instead - Queerty has a nice little interview with 70s and 80s stud Maxwell Caulfiend (I guess he's doing some play right now) and he talks about the experience of being a hot piece of ass in New York City before AIDS wrecked everything and oh, such wistful thoughts, thinking about sleeping with Maxwell Caulfield in 1978 or so. (See some fine pictures of vintage Maxwell here.)

--- Big Beasts - Yeah yeah I know this news is like a week old but I haven't done one of these link round-ups since it broke so sue me - Cary Fukunaga's flick with Idris Elba, the African child-soldier drama Beasts of No Nation, was bought by Netflix for 12 million smackeroos. They plan on gunning for Oscar gold with it too - we'll see how well the movie-theaters comply; they're already grumbling about Netflix's release plans, which will probably include a quick switch-over to online after a theatrical run.

--- Pratt & Chan - So apparently the news about the Dude Ghostbusters movie with Channing Tatum last night was slightly bungled by Sony - it's not about an alternate Male Team of Busters, but rather it's going to spin off of Feig's movie and be about Channing and Chris Pratt (!!!), who are friends or something in the same universe that Melissa McCarthy & Friends are fighting the ghosts in. And there are plans for a third movie where everybody teams up, Avengers-style. Studios really just aren't even pretending to try anymore, are they?

--- Deep Water - I love it when somebody else does all the work for me - DH rounded up a few new images from movies of interest and there actually are several shots of interest to us for good (well gratuitous reasons) - there's the first picture of Taron Egerton, recently seen as the hot lead piece in Kingsman: The Secret Service, buddying up with his new co-star Hugh "Hands On A Hard Twink" Jackman while wearing ski-spandex. There's a picture of Luke Evans in a wet wifebeater for High Rise, Ben Wheatley's daptation of JG Blallard's book. And there's a picture of Garrett Hedlund doing what he do, being beautiful. Oh and Chiwetel Ejiofor in a suit.

--- Find Me A Find - I haven't properly linked up to The Film Experience's annual "We Can't Wait!" series yet so let's do that - here's the newest entry: coming in at #12 is The Dressmaker, which stars Kate Winslet and Judy Davis and that's all you need to know before you buy your ticket, really. There are links therein for the earlier couple of entries, which include the new Tarantino (yes) and the new Malick (no!).

--- The Faceless Man - I s'pose this is spoilery but who cares, it's great news - German hot-piece Tom Wlaschiha (see just how hot he is in this gratuitous post) is definitely returning to A Game of Thrones; he hasn't been on since the second season, but it would appear that Arya want his hotness back in her life, as do we. She's grown so super wise. Anyway we'd heard this rumored but now it's for sure. Given the nature of his character he could've been recast so phew, bullet dodged!

--- And Finally here is the latest trailer (via) for San Andreas, aka that earthquake movie starring The Rock. (See previous trailer here.) I love disaster movies so so much and I am so on-board for this, especially if they keep highlighting Carla Gugino running around in five-inch heeled boots and jeans it took four people to get her into. (Pictures of Colton Haynes getting gang-banged by firemen also don't hurt.) Bring on the ridiculousness!!!
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Colton Haynes Is On Fire

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Somebody put him out! (via)

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Good Morning, World

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I have a doctor's appointment this morning so you'll just have to entertain yourselves with this pictures of Colton Haynes and Tyler Hoechlin presumably taking a hot bath together. You might think I am presuming a lot from that picture about what we can't see, and you'd be right. As a wise poet once said, it's my prerogative, I can do what I wanna do, it's my prerogative... I'm really not zooped, ego trips is not my thang!

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Colton Haynes Six Times

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You can always count on photog Steven Klein to give us something fetishistically militaristic. (thanks Mac) I do love that hair-cut.

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Pics of the Day

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Oh my god look at this picture of Victor Garber and his tremendously attractive husband Rainer Andreeson (see our gratuitous post for Rainer here) swooping in on Colton Haynes at a fashion show on Monday! Actually I wouldn't be surprised if it was the other way around and Colton was swooping in on Rainer. I wouldn't be surprised and I would not blame him one bit. Oh, Rainer. Pictured below the threesome's joined by Bryan Greenberg (mmm Bryan Greenberg) and Geoff Stults. I shoulda been at this thing's after-party, dammit.

I Am Link

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--- Rock A Boy - Pretty, gay block-of-wood Colton Haynes just got cast alongside The Rock and Carla Gugino (hooray) in that giant 3D earthquake movie called San Andreas; I wonder if the fault line will crack him into little wooden shards? Anyway the film just started filming, and Dwayne Johnson tweeted out a picture of him being him on the set. Big Man!

--- Kid Napping - The trailer for Atom Egoyan's new movie called The Captive, which stars Ryan Reynolds (trying his hand at seriousness these days) and Scott Speedman and Rosario Dawson can be seen over at The Playlist; it will be showing at Cannes too. You've got to wonder if Prisoners might've stolen some of its momentum though; it feels very similar. But that's a good cast.

--- The Missing E - Everything about the movie Sx_Tape - from its silly title to its found-footage gimmick to its Paranormal Activity by way of porn poster to its very story (a couple films a sex tape inside a haunted mansion!) - screamed derivative Skinemax crap at me... so why do I care? Because its directed by Bernard effin' Rose, that's why - Rose directed Candyman yes but even more importantly he directed Paperhouse, the 1988 kid-scare flick that's amongst my all-time favorites. He has me for life. I will watch your sex tape movie.

--- Raising Hell - Saving this for lunch-time reading - the director of the interesting horror flick Proxy, which I reviewed a few months ago and is out on demand now, got interviewed by the New York Times (thanks Mac), which seems to me a pretty big deal for a dude who made a low-budget horror-flick, so a round of applause for him.

--- Doling Out - The Playlist has another picture from Xavier Dolan's next movie which is called Mommy, and which will be showing at Cannes. That's Antoine-Olivier Pilon as the troubled son at the center of the film's drama. Speaking of Cannes though, the entire list of what's playing there was just released, see that here. They're showing the long delayed Ruffalo-Tatum jockstrap movie!

--- Drive By Fruiting - My first thought when I read the news that there is going to be a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel was, "What will Mara Wilson say?" She played the little girl in that movie and she's established somewhat of an online presence via Twitter lately; I saw her at a show talking about it a couple of years ago and she is a smart lady. Anyway she does indeed have things to say!

--- Wet All Over - It's April which means Nathaniel's been running his "April Showers" series over at The Film Experience which means sexytimes because he always picks good showers scenes... like last night he devoted a post to the scene with Bruce Willis in the shower in Pulp Fiction, which besides just for giving us naked Bruce Willis is also the best scene in the whole movie for many other reasons. (But then I've never been the world's biggest Pulp fan; it took Jackie Brown to get me on board with Tarantino.)

--- Also Thanks to Nat for reminding me of this interview with Anthony Mackie from a couple of weeks ago where he goes on and on about Chris Evans' tight little ass, I somehow forgot to post that. That's the sort of thing you don't want to forget! NEVER FORGET.

Colton Haynes Fourteen Times

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(via) Okay okay, I give in. Photographer Tony Duran's taken several of my favorite male beefcake pictorials (this one of Jason Behr springs immediately to mind; probably because it's never far from it) and these here are some very fine pictures of a dude that I generally find really boring to look at. 

Whaaaa? I know, I know. I think some people feel the way about Matt Bomer that I do about Mr. Haynes - it's like he was created in a lab or something. It's just too generic pretty. Anyway Duran manages to project some shiny fetishistic sleaze, some personality, onto him here, and it's welcome. Hit the jump for all of the pics (and make sure to click them, they embiggen a whole bunch)...