Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

Magic Mike (2012)

Dallas: Fact is, the law says you cannot touch!

But I think I see a lotta lawbreakers up in this house tonight.

Magic Mike came out ten years ago today! Isn't that nuts?

I'm sorry but that's nuts. Soon enough (I would guess next

summer) we'll have a third movie. But we'll always have this:

And this:

And this:

People like to pretend this movie didn't offer up 

the goods but those people are no good.

I think those people need to be punished...

Back It Up, Channing Tatum

The "it" I speak of is the dump-truck (ass) full of cash to Channing and Steven Soderbergh's houses, because the duo have just announced a third Magic Mike movie! To be titled Magic Mike's Last Dance, Tatum posted a photo of the script cover on his Twitter (see down below) this morning, and I have to admit I'm not super surprised? Happy yes, obviously, but not surprised given how ripped Channing's been seen getting lately -- see here for an example. His abs were like a flare shot into the sky -- I sensed this coming! Anyway there's not a lot of info, besides Soderbergh (no doubt with tongue firmly in cheek) saying, "Mike Lane’s dream of connecting people through dance must be realized," so stay tuned. I can't imagine that we won't see some familiar faces (and you know what comes down below those faces) showing back up for the third round. Personally I'm really hoping they bring Alex Pettyfer back -- I know he was an asshole, but... he put the "ass" in "asshole." He really did.

Well world, looks like Mike Lane’s tapping back in. @hbomax pic.twitter.com/V9Ce62n710

— Channing Tatum (@channingtatum) November 29, 2021

Good Morning, World

I don't know if Joe Manganiello wants to be taken "seriously" as an "actor" or what, but his Instagram account is not the Instagram account of a person who looks like Joe Manganiello, and for that we all suffer. Oh sure with some digging you might find a hint of an elbow or shoulder here or there like he's a particularly refined Victorian lady -- anyway when this snap popped up over the weekend it felt like a full buffet. Enjoy it while it lasts and maybe he'll actually have an acting role soon and he can flew something (i.e. everything) for a Men's Health cover again, dare to dream...

5 Off My Head: Siri Says 2012

Three weeks right in a row has got to be some sort of record for our "Siri Says" series -- it's been awhile since I haven't let my attention slip in between. But here we are, for the third time in as many weeks, asking the little woman inside of my telephone to give me a number between 1 and 100 and then name my favorite five movies from the corresponding year. Today, on the second try, Siri said the number 12, and so today we will skip ourselves back not too far, just to The Movies of 2012.

This year is of course recent enough that I already did this once -- you can check out our so-called "Golden Trousers" awards for 2012 at this link. Those were some substantial Pantys! 2012 represents the peak of my awards-posting -- I posted a ton that year, more than any before or since. What I remember about that is it blew me the fuck out. There's no need for almost 70 posts! I've learned to condense them, thankfully -- my sanity thanks me anyway. 

I was curious to see if my original list of favorite 2012 movies had shifted at all in the past nine years and lo, it has, although not a ton. What surprised me the most is how few 2012 movies I've re-watched since 2012? Ones that placed rather high at the time I just haven't seen since. So there's some shuffling off my head today, mostly due to my memory being hazy, but truth be told if I haven't had the desire to re-watch the movie in eight years that might say something about my love for the movie, right? Right. Anyway, the list as it stands today...

My 5 Favorite Movies of 2012

1. Moonrise Kingdom

(dir. Wes Anderson)

-- released on June 29th 2012 --

2. Holy Motors

(dir. Leoz Carax)

-- released on July 4th 2012 --

3. ParaNorman

(dir. Chris Butler & Sam Fell)

-- released on August 17th 2012 --

4. The Master

(dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

-- released on September 21st 2012 --

5. Rust and Bone

(dir. Jacques Audiard)

-- released on May 17th 2012 --

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Runners-up: Amour (dir. Michael Haneke), The Cabin in the Woods (dir. Drew Goddard), Cosmopolis (dir. David Cronenberg), Lincoln (dir. Steven Spielberg), Magic Mike (dir. Steven Soderbergh), The Paperboy (dir. Lee Daniels), Compliance (dir. Craig Zobel), Take This Waltz (dir. Sarah Polley), The Impossible (dir. JA Bayona)...

... Wuthering Heights (dir. Andrea Arnold), Killing Them Softly (dir. Andrew Dominik), The Perks of Being a Wallflower (dir. Stephen Chbosky), Dark Horse (dir. Todd Solondz), Bullhead (dir. Michael R. Roksam), The Wise Kids (dir. Stehen Cone), The Bay (dir. Barry Levinson), Zero Dark Thirty (dir. Kathryn Bigelow)

Never seen: Hysteria (dir. Tanya Wexler), Goon (dir. Michael Dowse), Jiro Dreams of Sushi (dir. David Gelb), Hyde Park on Hudson (dir. Roger Michell), Quartet (dir. Dustin Hoffman)

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What are your favorite movies of 2012?

13 Rats of Halloween #9

My pal Stacie Ponder of Final Girl fame has branded this "The Rumpelstiltskin Effect" (actually she maybe hasn't used those exact words, but I am) -- where you keep going back to a movie you know is awful because some deranged lever snaps inside your brain and whispers to you that hey, you, maybe it's not so awful. For Stacie that movie is the 1995 Leprechaun rip-off Rumpelstiltskin -- and if you're already ripping off a rip-off like Leprechaun then you know you're in trouble. But for me, at this exact moment, that movie is the 2018 video-game adaptation Rampage. Oh my god it's bad! I know it's bad! But Marley Shelton fights a gigantic mutant rat in outer space! 

How can I not be suckered in by that time and time again? Am I not human? Do I not bleed? Speaking of you know who else bleeds? Gigantic mutant rats in outer space, that's who!

And looking back at my previous post on this movie I see so much else to love. Joe Manganiello eaten by a giant wolf? Okay! Malin "Baby Girl" Akerman eaten by a gorilla? Sure! That gorilla then flipping the bird? Why not? Is Rampage actually perfect? Who am I to say it's not perfect? I'm nobody, that's who -- there is no Jason, only Rampage now.

Good Morning, Joe

All that Alan Ball talk yesterday got me thinking about True Blood, and True Blood got me thinking about Joe Manganiello, and Joe Manganiello got me thinking... well, I won't say. It might still be illegal in some states. Anyway good morning! (click to embiggen)

Magic Mike XXL is now...

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... a carefree relic of the pre-COVID era.

How did the world ever Florida so hard?

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Joe Manganiello Wants To Give Us the Fist

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I find Joe Manganiello's post-True-Blood career, or lack thereof, slightly confounding. I know he was tied up with DC's super-mess for awhile -- he was meant to play the villain Deathstroke but Justice League turned into, well, Justice League, and all of that turned to ash in our mouths. But I feel like just relegating him to the love interest in a Pee-wee Herman movie (as awesome as all that was), a male stripper with like ten lines over the course of two films (as double awesome as all that was), and a baseball player in a movie nobody saw, well, is that all there is? He's not a terrible actor, he's charming and funny and he looks like Joe Manganiello... there should be more to speak of.

Well now there might be. There might be something very interesting. He's attached to a flick called Archenemy (thx Mac), which is about a "dubious superhero" called Max Fist (no I'm not making that up) -- dubious because he says he's from another dimension where he was a super-powered stud but here on Earth he has no superpowers... so he's just a big muscly dude that looks like Joe Manganiello saying crazy things. Honestly if a dude who looked like Joe told me was a superhero I'd believe him pretty easily, but in the world of this movie only one teenager, a kid named Hamster (no I'm not making that up), believes him. I guess that makes me a Hamster.

That all sounds goofy I admit, but the interesting thing is who's writing and directing this film -- his name is Adam Egypt Mortimer, and that's a name you should probably familiarize yourselves with. He has a horror flick called Daniel isn't Real that is out in some theaters on December 6th after playing several film fests including Fantasia (it's playing the Anomaly Film Fest in my hometown of Rochester NY tomorrow!) and DIR is a reeeeal interesting movie. I'll have more to say about it closer to its release date but it's one everybody should be paying attention to. Here's its trailer:

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Anyway Mortimer is (rightfully) making a name for himself off that flick -- there have even been whispers that he might be the person hired to get the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise out of mothballs -- and so keeping our eyes on what's he's trying to get made is now a thing. The studio he's teamed up with is SpectreVision, aka Elijah Wood's company, and they've made a hell of a name for themselves with edgy material in the past several years -- they have given us A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night, Cooties, The Greasy Strangler, and Mandy, and they're behind that Nicholas Cage meets HP Lovecraft flick Color Out of Space coming out in January that sounds too goo to be true. (Nicholas Cage + Lovecraft = too good to be true.) And speaking of, that literally just got a trailer yesterday...

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Joe Manganiello's Baseball Bottom

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I'm a little bit hesitant to post this trailer for Joe Manganiello's Baseball Movie because man, it looks way more skippable than anything I'm calling "Joe Manganiello's Baseball Movie" should look. Anything I am able to call "Joe Manganiello's Baseball Movie" oughta look promising for the locker-room scenes alone! But there's nary a whiff of a jockstrap to be seen!

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BEAT ME TO DEATH, JOE MANGANIELLO pic.twitter.com/dLIfQVk4pa

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) May 22, 2019

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That said I am posting it anyways because the movie has "bottom" in the title, and Joe in a baseball uniform is still, all on its own, enough of a fetish object to gawk at for at least a minute or two. Watch:

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Bottom of the Ninth (heh yup still funny) is hitting VOD and such on July 9th. And the rest of us can hit the jump for a couple of gifs and images I took from that trailer, along with a couple of new pictures of Joe in Men's Health magazine...

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Rampage (2018)

One of our briefest "Ways Not To Die" posts in ages thanks to the dumb brute simplicity of this year's monster movie Rampage -- what a refresher! I watched Rampage this weekend while I was sick (it is a perfect Sick Movie) after seeing Malin "Baby Girl" Akerman proudly offer up this scene for, uh, consumption...

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View this post on Instagram

Yeah 😵 #proudmoments #2018 #memories #spoileralert #rampagemovie

A post shared by Malin Akerman (@malinakerman) on Jan 5, 2019 at 11:13am PST

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I mean... how could I resist that? I had forgotten this movie even had even out this year - which is weird, given what a staple the video-game was of my childhood - but I'm glad I went back and watched it... while sick and weak in the head, at least. It was all the big dumb fun it promised to be. I got to see the above happen - Aunt Sassy does need to see that! And I got to see the rehabilitated were-man Joe Manganiello eaten by a gigantic wolf...
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... I got to see a city block dropped on Jake Lacy, of all people.
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I mean who the hell wants to hurt Jake Lacy, of all people??? 

Rampage does, and... sure, why not?
Hit the jump for links to all the Ways Not To Die...
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Joe Can It Be Now, Joe Can It Beeeeee Now

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What the heck has happened to Joe Manganiello, you guys? Doesn't it seem as if he's just vanished? I know he got caught up in the gears of DC's shit-the-bed (the list of "Deathstroke" projects announced without a date on his IMDb is long) but still, dude is losing out on prime hotness days, months, years, here... 

Like, I thought this photo-shoot seen here was brand new, and I was thrilled he was ramping up the PR maybe, for something maybe, but it turns out this shoot's from 2016 and I'd just missed it. Come on, Joe! Help us out here, man. Well until then, let's hit the jump for these oldies but goodies...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can elarn from:

Pee-wee's Big Holiday (2016)

Pee-wee: Aren't we going to the party?
Joe Manganiello: Pee-wee, we are the party.

Truth. A happy 66 to Paul Reubens today!

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The Family That Spoils Together

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Well that's that - another four-day work-week in the can, another goodbye to you people until the weekend's dead as a dead dog laying in a ditch. It's a big weekend at the multiplexes - I haven't seen Ocean's 8 yet (I do plan on it) but there are two movies I have seen and reviewed that are kinda sort one hundred thousand percent cannot miss.

There is the horror film Hereditary starring the forever and ever amen Toni Collette - I reviewed that right here but don't read the review until you've seen the movie. And there is the documentary Won't You Be My Neighbor? about Mister Rogers and his legacy - I reviewed that earlier today, right here if you missed it. I say you see Hereditary first and then you see the doc, which will ease some of the despair the former will fill you with. Or maybe you're like me and you like horror movie despair, in which case do it the other way. I don't own you. Do whatever, man!

Oh and since we're wrapping up MNPP's birthday week too - a deeply heartfelt thanks to everybody who donated. Y'all marvelous, y'all magic. Thank you! And if you haven't donated yet... ahem, cough cough. Hey, respect what little hustle I have...
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Armie Hammer & Joe Manganiello's Wedding

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I was going to ask, "Who the hell do you have to be in order to get Armie Hammer and Joe Manganiello at your wedding," but it turns out the answer is "the editor of People Magazine" so nevermind. People's Jess Cagle got married to his fella Matt Whitney over the weekend in the Hamptons and Armie & Joe both showed... not as dates, unfortunately; their respective ladies were around too.

Although I suppose it's not totally unfortunate because both of those ladies were responsible for posting more pictures of Armie & Joe on their Instagrams so I suppose we'll allow it. Also in attendance (as pictured above) - Sarah Jessica Parker and Andy Cohen, who seem to travel as one these days, and that Matthew Broderick hanger-on too. I'm sure there were plenty more names but I'm not a fucking gossip magazine, I just want to look at Armie & Joe, thank you very much.

I Am Link

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--- Jock Joe - Joe Manganiello is going to be filming a movie here in New York this summer! And it's set in the Bronx so I better start scouring the Bronx. It's called Stano and it's about a kid who was a baseball star who made a criminal mistake and got sent to prison for 17 years returning home et cetera et cetera you can probably write the script yourself already. It's from the director of City Island, which did give us this, so keep hope alive.

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--- Killer Queen - Ever since Sacha Baron Cohen bailed on the Freddie Mercury movie because the living members of Queen were interfering with it I've worried that we might be getting a sanded-down version of Freddie's life that omits all the interesting train-wreck stuff about him in order to make the usual "Hey we're singing a song you like!" generic hits-parade thing, and this story here cements all my fears, saying it won't focus on Mercury's personal life at all. What a waste. Do Freddie better, Bryan Singer.
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--- Now With Extra Tower - Apparently the folks behind the Dark Tower movie are still planning on making the TV series attached to the film(s), and now we know a little bit more about it - it will be a prequel focused on Idris Elba's gunslinger, and it will be based on the fourth book of Stephen King's series called Wizard and Glass. And yes their intention is for it to star Idris, who I guess will have to shave and moisturize or something. But hey the more Idris the better! And the less McConaughey the even more better!
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--- Better Happy Than Late - Can you believe I've gone all week without posting - hell without even watching - the trailer for Michael Haneke's new film? You can see the trailer for Happy End right here, if you want to be more thorough than me. I think I'm going to not watch it myself - Haneke's films rely so hard on tone and an accumulation of images that if the trailer flashes anything I'm looking for when I actually watch the film in December I'll just be annoyed.
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--- Greta Is Great - The greatest studio in town ("town" meaning "the world") these days is A24 and they just picked up the first movie from the greatest... well, person. The greatest person named Greta Gerwig. Her first directorial effort called Ladybird which stars Saoirse Ronan and that we told you about right... wait a second!! I just did a search and I've never mentioned this movie on here before! WTF. Well it's a thing, and A24 is releasing it. There, now that that's done...
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--- Snow Balls - Listen, I am looking forward to The Snowman, even if I ragged a little bit on the trailer yesterday. (And not just because the lead is named Harry Hole, either.) Tomas Alfredson directed Let the Right One In and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and those are terrific beautiful movies, and a cast including Michael Fassbender and Rebecca Ferguson and Charlotte Gainsbourg and Toby jones and on and on is a dream. But I am still a little worried that the ominous snow-people shown in the trailer will end up goofy instead of scary, and this ranking of them in The Guardian today is seconding my fears. We will see! I hope in context they work.
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--- Divine Women - I haven't read this myself yet but I think it's a safe bet that as soon as I am done typing this endless post I will be doing just that - Interview Magazine had Laura Dern interview Holly Hunter. A million exclamation points! (thanks Mac) There's also a lovely photo-shoot of Holly there too. I'm super excited to see Holly get lots of love this year after a too long absence from movie screens. We need her!
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--- Snatch Again - A fifth movie version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers is in the works - the dude who wrote The Conjuring 2 just got the writing gig. The Conjuring 2 was decent, so sure, okay. What's your favorite of the movie versions? If you said anything other than the 1978 one, you're wrong. Actually more accurately if you said anything besides the 2007 one, you're right? But I maintain this mostly:

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I don't need another Body Snatchers movie
What I NEED is a second goddamned season of BrainDead

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) July 20, 2017

--- Does The Carpet Match - I've been forgetting to correct this information all week - that hot guy that I told y'all was gonna play Aladdin? Yeah he's not the one. Never listen to a damnw ord I say, people. Disney announced the cast and it's a dude named Mena Massoud who is playing the street rat turned prince. You can read more about it here. Mena is a real looker though! (pic via, thanks Mac)
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--- And Finally the trailer for Todd Haynes' new film Wonderstruck (which reunites him with his eternal muse Julianne Moore - don't go getting any ideas, Blanchett!) has arrived and it's lovely. This movie is the Centerpiece film at the New York Film Festival in October, so I guess I will be seeing it then. I am aware that the reactions in Cannes were mixed but Todd's had all year to rework it, and it looks gorgeous...
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