Take a Bite Outta Count

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Okay so sure here in 2020 we've seen the Carpathian Count more times than we can, you know, count, but I'm forcing myself to shrug off my shrugs about a new movie version of Dracula this morning because of who's been hired -- The Invitation and Jennifer's Body director Karyn "fuckin'" Kusama, that's who. She's a big who! We love her! Maybe we didn't love her last movie so much -- that'd be Destroyer with Nicole Kidman -- but everybody's allowed a whiff now and then, and it's not like Destroyer's not an interesting experiment with structure and tone even if I don't think it ultimately worked. 

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Okay but hear me out what if Karyn Kusama made a Lesbian Vampire Movie instead

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) March 11, 2020

Anyway back to the bloody business at hand -- this is the studio called Blumhouse doing this, who just let Leigh Whannell reimagine The Invisible Man in a way that really worked and made that nearly hundred year old franchise feel fresh, so let's keep hope alive. (Also props to Jason Blum for hiring another female filmmaker after his jackass comments from a couple of years back.) And I mean after all it's not like Plague Times aren't the exact right time for a Dracula resurgence...

Oh I seriously might have to watch Werner Herzog's Nosferatu the Vampyre tonight, I might. That sounds perfect. (And it's on Amazon Prime to boot!) Anyway the conversation now of course turns towards the casting department. I personally think they need to stay far far away from the Count being played by a white man with black hair, as that's been done to literal death at this point -- there's one on Netflix right now, and Claes Bang is pretty damn good at it too. That said I don't know what ideas Kusama & Co. have got in mind for their take -- they could go the route of The Invisible Man and make Dracula a supporting character in his own story, focus on Mina or Lucy, who knows. Thoughts from y'all?

Great Moments In Movie Shelves #40

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"We decided to get a copy of Sidney Poitier's auto-biography.

So, we go down to the Strand Bookstore. Eight miles of books!"

"Five Sherlock Holmeses."

Everybody thought it was the Strand in that bookstore scene I posted from Once Bitten at the start of this week but no, that was some bookstore in Los Angeles, where that film was set. Six Degrees of Separation however is a New York movie through and through...

... and so yes, this here's the real deal. If you follow me on Twitter then you know I was re-watching this film for the hundred millionth time last night...

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GOD I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH I could just watch this movie every fucking night, it has all the sustenance necessary pic.twitter.com/7H2cDNFZAh

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) November 20, 2015

... inspired by Donald Sutherland's awesomeness in the final Hunger Games movie, I was. But I really can watch this movie over and over and over (and have) so it always surprises me when I see or hear something I'd never noticed before, and Flan's line up top -- "Five Sherlock Holmses" is something I don't think I've ever heard before.

I honestly think this movie is the first time I'd heard of the Strand, and lord knows how many hours of my life I've spent wandering its eight miles of books by now. Six Degrees is one of those movies that made New York "New York" to me and convinced me this was where I had to be. Sadly I'm still waiting to be a human extra in Cats...
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Great Moments In Movie Shelves #39

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Robin: Could one of these lady vampires actually bite a guy? 

You know, like a teenage guy? 
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Bookseller: Well how old would he be? 

Robin: Like, 18. 

Bookseller: Well I seriously doubt it. You see the 

female vampire needs the blood of a virgin, 

and an 18-year-old boy would hardly be a virgin, 

now would he?
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Robin: Well just hypothetically, what if he was a virgin?
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Bookseller: Well then I think he has a lot bigger problems 

to worry about than female vampires. [chuckles]
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One more moment from Once Bitten, which just turned 30, because as I skimmed through it for the previous post I saw this scene and chuckled - how could I not? That sketch of the vampire bites with the fig leaf is too funny. And man I had such a pubescent crush on Karen Kopins. She's adorable right? Never understood why she didn't have a better career.

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Once Bitten (1985)

Jamie: How'd you like to have your crotch set on fire? 

Sebastian: Ooooh! Rough trade! 

One of my most favorite shitty movies, the Jim Carrey vampire comedy Once Bitten, turned 30 years old yesterday! It was released on November 15th 1985, another one of those weird after-Halloween horror releases, although this movie's about as scary as a bungled Brazilian wax. I've posted about this movie several times over the years but I realized this morning that I've never spent words upon...

... Sebastian, the mincing gay stereotype played by actor Cleavon Little. He's the sidekick to the Countess, the ancient vampiress played by Lauren Hutton, and he's there to make sure her make-up is on good and to hiss out little bon-mots like the above.

This scene is especially strange, with that mirror-less mirror contraption, making it text all I just said. He's there to reflect back at his lady companion.

But he is actually a character, and he is openly proudly gay (when he wafts out of the Countess' closet in the opening scene we get an "out of the closet" joke because this movie is anything but subtle.) And I've seen this movie enough times that I have come to pretend that those sexy twin vamps are his playthings.

Plus he taught me Little Me about phrases like "Rough Trade" so how can I not love him? This movie's chock-full of Gay Panic (see this previous post about two of its gayest scenes) and flouncing Sebastian is its stopped-beating heart, bless him.

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

American Gigolo (1980)

Michelle: How many languages do you speak? 

Julian: Five or six. 

Michelle: Plus the, uh, international language? 

Julian: That's right. 

Okay so I'm just using Lauren Hutton's 71st birthday

as an excuse to post Richard Gere pictures, so sue me.

Hutton was also in my beloved Once Bitten, 

so probably deserves better... nah, more Richard Gere.

13 Phones of Halloween #4

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Welcome to the Phone-A-Date Club from Once Bitten!

When I was ten years old...

... this place seemed like the height of worldly sophistication.

Every table has a phone (lips, of course - I love the 80s) and a number, and you'd just call up the lady or gentleman that caught your eye across the room - voila, instant love connection!

Our hero Mark (Jim Carrey) is out partying with his friends Jamie and Russ (more about their weird queer relationship here), trying to mend a busted heart. Russ dives right into the scene...

"Hi there! Number 17? I'm Russ and I'm a Sagittarius. 

I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoy."

"Look. I'm a mature person, 

and you're a mature person, so..."

"She said come on over!

You got it, honey!"

"Hi there, Russ. Sit down. A Sagittarius? Dynamite! 

I'm a Gemini. Hey man, you know what that means?"

"Like... H2O!"

 "Are you... a guy?"

"Does it matter?"

What is it about the 80s and Gay Panic? Gay Panic be all up in everything, but especially anything having to do with teenage boys. I suppose it was just the growing pains of gay visibility being played out - anyway Mark's pals Jamie and Russ are constantly confronted with gay stuff (get a load of the shower scene where they basically sexually assault Mark played as comic misunderstanding...

... being the constant butts of the joke will do that to ya.

"We might as well move in together

 and get His & His towels."

What I love about this scene though is the squeal and prissy little huff that Russ storms away with. It's even too much for Number 17...

"Sissy."

Price Be Dropping (Vincent Price, That Is)

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Deal of the Day -- Amazon has Shout Factory's spectacular set of six Vincent Price films on blu-ray going for under 40 bucks right now! These aren't crappy ones scraped off Vinnie's boot either, these are the gems, some of the Vinciest Priciest ones - Fall of the House of Usher, The Haunted Palace (see a Thursday's Way Not To Die for that movie here), The Masque of the Red Death, The Pit and the Pendulum, Witchfinder General, and The Abominable Dr. Phibes (see a Thursday's Way Not To Die for that movie here). Honestly there's not a bad apple amongst those six, I love them all.

I mentioned this on Twitter yesterday but Shout Factory also just announced they're releasing one of my favorite movies from when I was a kid, the 1985 vampire-comedy Once Bitten with Jim Carrey. It'll be a double-feature with George Hamilton's Love at First Bite. It hits the street in February, but I'll make sure to let you know when it's for sale.

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Who Wore It Best?

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Vamp Drag?

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poll by twiigs.com

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I know you play a vampire on television, Alexander Skarsgard, but I don't think you actually have to dress like one in real life. Maybe it's written in your contract? If the powers that be had the power to write that into your contract then it's obscene they only just got you properly naked, then - it should have been a full-time full-nudity clause, dammit.

My Favorite Thing Ever Of All-Time

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Because this just came up in the comments of the last post (that is, I brought it up) and because it's my birthday (note: I will find a way to say "it's my birthday" in every post I write today, apparently) I am now posting this dance sequence from 1985's teen vampire classic (note: I am the only person that considers this movie a classic) Once Bitten, and there's nothing you can do about it!

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You guys have no idea what a big part of my adolescence this scene was. I had this shit memorized. I probably still do, somewhere in my brain, and if I ever happen to be at your house and you happen to play the song "Hands Off" I just might happen to clear the center of the dance floor and act out all three characters routines at once in an impossible feat of time-and-space manipulation the likes of which you have never seen before and will never see again, the latter because it will tear apart the very fabric of the universe with its sheer fucking awesomeness. Just sayin.

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5 Off My Head - Carrey the Day

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I've talked about my preteen obsession with the 1985 horror-comedy (alright both of those are a stretch) Once Bitten before, but let's trot it out once more here for Jim Carrey's 49th birthday. Carrey became a superstar in the early 90s thanks to his insane rubber-man antics on In Living Color and Ace Ventura, but I'd been familiar with him for several years already thank to Once Bitten. It's one of those films we all have that we watched a billion times over when we were young - I could quote it from start to finish. I've no idea why it hit my sweet spot...


But it did... and it still does to be honest. From a critical standpoint I know it's just terrible. Awful. But it makes me feel so warm inside. Point being I've had Jim Carrey in my life longer than you people, for better and for worse (so much worse), so I should be deferred to as an expert. Here are my five favorite performances of his. These shift around depending on my mood - ask me tomorrow and I'll quote a bunch of Dumb and Dumber at you - but for today, these reign. But the first oughtn't surprise anybody...

Joel Barish, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed.
I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd...
I wish I'd stayed... I do. "

Chip Douglas, The Cable Guy

"Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man!"

Count Olaf, Lemony Snicket

"Hello, I'm looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.
My name is Stephano, I am an Italian man."

Truman Burbank, The Truman Show

"Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!"

Steven Russell, I Love You Phillip Morris

"Fucking Texas."

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