Do Dump or Marry: The New Beatles

Last night at CinemaCon Sam Mendes unveiled the four actors he's cast to play The Beatles in four yes four seperate movies, each one focusing on a single member -- there's Joseph Quinn as George Harrison, Barry Keoghan as Ringo Starr, Harris Dickinson as John Lennon, and Paul Mescal as Paul McCartney. Love all these actors -- you'll see Quinn in Warfare soon enough but that was when I finally decided I am a fan of him -- but as I've probably said on this site a few times over the past twenty years I just do not give a shit about The Beatles. And I don't say that to posture myself as Too Cool or above anything; I recognize that they were an earthquake in music and they have some perfectly good songs but JFC I cannot be bothered. Put their music catalogue or Radiohead's in front of me and I think you can guess where I'll wander. Anyway this will probably turn out to be an interesting expiriment -- telling their story from each point of view -- so if for no other reason we'll be watching. But for right now I invite you to "Do Dump or Marry" these four actors (and as always when there's four feel free to double up on one of those choices) in the comments! (And "Do" = spend one night with; "Dump" = spend zero nights with, and "Marry" equals "spend all the nights with" of course.)

One Week To Get Your Ho On!

Hope your hollies are ready to get jollied y'all.

Great Moments in Movie Shelves #200

It's out 200th "Great Moments in Movie Shelves" post! So why not celebrate with something we all love -- namely Wes Bentley standing butt naked in front of some bookshelves in American Beauty. I know the love affair with this film has crumbled over the past two decades but I think we can all still agree that Wes Bentley could get it. Even if he wanted to ramble about the existential thrill of plastic bags or what-the-fuck-ever. That infamous plastic bag speech was actually what got this movie onto my brain this week -- I re-watched Todd Solondz' movie Storytelling a few days ago and that movie has a great joke at that speech's expense that I got a chuckle out of. Timely stuff! Anyway in summation you should re-watch Storytelling because it rules and you should hit the jump to see Wes Bentley's butt because it also rules...

Holly Jolly Heave Ho Ho

Well that is that -- I'm off for the holidays, as forecasted in last evening's mention. MNPP proper will most likely be stock-still quiet til January 3rd... I always say I might post and I am always a big fat dumb liar. I'll surely be active on the social medias all linked in the right-hand column though, and I will have a couple of reviews hitting Pajiba over the next week (you can keep track of me there in particular at this link)...

... like my take on Babylon goes up tomorrow, you won't want to miss that. I asked my editor's permission to swear a lot! And two old reviews for movies I saw at film festivals will be re-upped as the films get released, including Living (with a career best Bill Nighy) right here and Noah Baumbach's White Noise, which hits Netflix next week and which I talked about here. Both of those are terrific and 100% worth seeking out.

Other than that I just wish you all a happy holiday and a happy New Years and let's see if we can make 2023 a year to remember for good reasons. If anybody wants to make a donation to MNPP's coffers out of appreciation for my annual nonsense efforts, you can do so right here -- every penny's and nice comment is appreciated. Hell even the nasty comments are appreciated -- just pay attention to me dammit! In all seriousness I love my readers, y'all rule, thanks for coming back all these many years. I would still do this without you because my brain is chaos but y'all make it easier! Thank you!

Empire of Colman

This went up last Friday after I'd already logged off for the weekend, but if you click here I promise you you can still read my review of Sam Mendes' latest film Empire of Light starring Olivia Colman. Yes even here these three days later. The internet is magic! And so is Olivia Colman but then you knew that already. I'm mixed on the movie but not on her. Never her!

5 Off My Head: Sister Maggie May I

Today we wish the sister Gyllenhaal a happy 45th birthday! Maggie, that is. We tend to lavish all the attention on her brother but we're quite fond of her too -- beyond all of her terrific turns in front of the camera she proved herself a fantastic screenwriter and director last year as well with her fabulous debut film The Lost Daughter. Crazy that The Lost Daughter is a first film, quite honestly -- very much hope she's keen to direct again. As long as she keeps acting -- directing has stolen our Sarah Polleys and for the most part our Greta Gerwigs already; we can't lose every brash and intelligent presence on-screen.

That said going through her filmography just now I've realized there are a surprising number of her most praised turns that I've never seen -- I've never seen Crazy Heart, I've never seen The Kindergarten Teacher. I've only seen the first season of The Deuce. What the fuck have I been doing with my life? Anyway I do want to give some love to the ones I have seen, so we made a list!

My 5 Favorite Maggie Gyllenhaal Performances

Elizabeth, Donnie Darko (2001)

"You can go suck a fuck."

Sherry, Sherrybaby (2006)

"I'll suck your dick if you give me the job I want."

Lee, Secretary (2002)

"Just a scoop of creamed potatoes,
one slice of butter, and four peas."

Clara, Frank(2014)

"Stay away from my fucking theremin.."

LN, Away We Go (2009)

"If I could I would lay my eggs in your brood pouch."

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What are your favorite Maggie performances?

Light the Way, Olivia Colman

Olivia Colman's acting ascendancy has been one of the brightest truest bright-spots from the past few years -- to be reminded that genuine talent can be appreciated, sought out, and rewarded in its day... well sometimes the world feels empty, vacuous I mean, and she makes the world seem a little less so; bless her for it. (Relatedly I'd be totally fine with her winning another Oscar for The Father, in which she is once again tremendously good -- here's my review of that movie.) So anyway I'm happy to report she's got another good-sounding project lining up today -- Sam Mendes wrote the script and will direct the movie, called Empire of Light, which Deadline says "is [a] love story, set in and around a beautiful old cinema, on the South Coast of England in the 1980s." I'm glad he's making something small and character-based -- I enjoyed 1917 just fine, but I think Mendes thrives a bit better with character than he does with spectacle, and with Olivia Colman in the lead he's already won 98% of that battle. Oh and Deadline is saying that Roger Deakins will be shooting the film, so there's the other 2% right there.

And With That, Happy 40 to Jake Gyllenhaal

After a full week of celebrating Jake Gyllenhaal, this is it and it is here, folks -- it's his 40th birthday today! We've come so far! You shoulder never ever underestimate my ability to stretch my Jake Gyllenhaal obsession unto total annihilation for all parties involved. On that note, even though I recapped the entire week as it went along, it just feels right to give us a round-up of everything in one final post. So here be links to all of Jake Week!

Day 1: Jake's Finest Nutters

Day 2: Jake's Best Costumes

Day 3: Jake's Best Nudity

Day 4: Jake's Best Partners

Day 5: Jake's Best Movies, Ranked!

I also included some bonus content in the Twitter thread I kept up all week for this series, so make sure you click over and check that out. There are very important pieces of the puzzle to be seen therein. Very important! 

I truly should have made this holy rectangle of space the site's banner for this week pic.twitter.com/OmHOGO68oa

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) December 18, 2020

Anyway I live in abject terror every day of my life that my fanboying over Jake will ever be seen by his own big beautiful eyeballs so god forbid he read this message himself, but we here at MNPP truly do wish him the best 40th birthday. He's been my favorite actor for 19 years and counting, and I don't foresee that changing any time soon. He continues to challenge himself and do strong, interesting work, and the projects he's got lined up on IMDb (all of which we've covered in minute detail already, of course) all sound like shit I wanna watch. Good work, and Happy Birthday, You.

And now a bonus! Because I am incapable of ever stopping. And also y'all deserve a treat after all this rambling. I noticed when I worked on the nudity list on Wednesday that Jake has a nude scene I've somehow never posted here on the site, which... well, that is a truly, wildly inexplicable thing. It's from Velvet Buzzsaw, he does the cutest little "hey here's my butt" waddle, and I've got the whole thing giffed right on after the jump...

10 Off My Head: Jake the Top

If you haven't been here all week... what, you have something better to do? You know we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? We're in the middle of a pandemic, it's literally life or death out there, and you still can't come to MNPP before Friday? I mean, I am trying to not be offended here. Trying, but failing. It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'll carry on. So like I was saying, if you haven't been here all week to see it, because you've been, I don't know, preferring to stare at the wall then read all my hard work or whatever, then you've missed that I've spent all week celebrating the 40th birthday of the actor Jake Gyllenhaal, which is tomorrow. 

I've been celebrating with lists! Ridiculous lists! Monday I did his best nutbag roles, Tuesday I did his greatest costumes, Wednesday I went lascivious and stared at his bum a bunch, and yesterday I picked his best screen partners. For today, our final day, I figured I'd better go big or go home. I mean I'd love to go home. Did I mention the pandemic? We should all be home. But I digress. Here on our last day of list-making I challenged myself to a most painful proposition. I have decided to not just pick my ten favorite Jake movies... BUT TO RANK THEM. Oh my god this one hurt, you guys. I am bloody, my brains are battered, and all for your entertainment. Enjoy!

My 10 Favorite Jake Gyllenhaal Movies... Ranked!!!

10. Jarhead (dir. Sam Mendes)

9. Okja (dir. Bong Joon-ho)

8. Source Code (dir. Duncan Jones)

7. The Sisters Brothers (dir. Jacques Audiard)

6. Zodiac (dir. David Fincher)

5. Wildlife (dir. Paul Dano)

4. Donnie Darko (dir. Richard Kelly)

3. Nightcrawler (dir. Dan Gilroy)

2. Enemy (dir. Denis Villenueve)

1. Brokeback Mountain (dir. Ang Lee)

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That number one was obvious from outer space, I'm sure.

Now tell me yours in the comments...

5 Off My Head: Jake Shows Off

And Jake Week continueth! In case you've had your head up the backend of a super-pig all week let me explain -- the actor Jake Gyllenhaal is turning 40 this Saturday! We -- in case you hadn't noticed the 1100+ posts we've posted here at MNPP over the past 15 years -- kinda like Jake Gyllenhaal. And so we're celebrating by posting a new Top 5 every single day this week, leading up to the most blessed event. On Monday I listed my 5 favorite crazy-person performances of his. And then yesterday I posted my 5 no make that my 10 favorite costumes that we's worn. 

Well today is Wednesday, the middle of the week, also occasionally known by some as Hump Day. And so it only seems right that today I list something I hinted at during yesterday's post about clothing, which is... the exact opposite of clothing. This should lift everybody's "spirits."

My 5 Favorite Jake Gyllenhaal Nude Scenes

Group shower, Jarhead

Googling whilst gay, Velvet Buzzsaw

Forgot the camera in Love & Other Drugs

Sad suds in Southpaw

Washing by the river, Brokeback Mountain

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Runners-up: Listen I could have listed half of Love and Other Drugs, as Edward Zwick was proper decent to us in that respect (if only the movie had been better). Bless that film.

And I did a compilation post once about Jake's many many many "naked in the bathroom" scenes -- see here -- so there are several more exciting choices as far as those are concerned. I mean he literally seems to spend half of the movie Demolition in the bathroom -- see here.

And he spends a lot of time showing off his manscaping in Enemy. And then, for historical sake, there's this shot in Jarhead, which beat Brokeback to the punch giving us our first glimpse of Jake's butt:

A true milestone, if you ask me! There are also the coulda-been scenes that we have been entirely denied -- I can't even post the caps of Jake papped naked-on-the-set of Everest because the studio freaked out about them and will send letters if one posts them, but if you google that shit it's out there. In the end the scene got inexplicably, hatefully cut from the final film, which went on to deservedly flop for that alone. Fuck you, Everest!

And then there is the most upsetting absence of all -- Jake chickening out and turning down Michael Pitt's role in Bernardo Bertolucci's 2003 hornt-up The Dreamers, opposite Louis Garrel & Eva Green. Can you imagine? I still weep myself to sleep at night over that loss...

Anyway I could go on and on and on. And on. And on! This is probably the lone topic in all of the world which I am the foremost expert on. My Film Studies degree put to excellent use! Ain't ya proud, Mom???

So what's your favorite Jake Gyllenhaal nude scene?